Irs – Goddess of Tax Returns

February 20, 2022February 20, 2022 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Drawn in the red-on-black style of Ancient Greek pottery. The goddess Irs is wearing a pleated robe and carries a tally stick. In the other hand she carries a sack of coins, which is leaking into the mouth of a fat cat. Irs has wings shaped like a portcullis and she bears a resemblance to Queen Elizabeth II. — Irs © H.Hudson-Lee 2022

Irs was not born from a union of between Gods, Elementals or even Mortals, but of political expediency. She originated during the Old Kingdom Period of Ancient Egypt. In order to fund the building of royal tombs, the Pharaoh established her sect and appointed priests to raise revenue from his subjects. They were under immense pressure to complete this task for their king, for without a generous income, H.M. got arsey. This was a massive undertaking. So, these priests recruited a team of collectors who would gather the payments on their behalf, each keeping a small percentage of the revenue raised as payment. These collectors were overwhelmed with the magnitude of the task of visiting every household in Egypt, and so themselves recruited teams of underlings who pocketed an even smaller percentage. Thus both taxation and the literal pyramid scheme were invented simultaneously.

The concept of taxation gradually spread around the world, and the worship of Irs alongside it. She was readily adopted by the nascent democracy of Athens to help them fund their military campaigns and elegant public buildings. Eventually, the world’s population grew to the point where it was not possible to individually judge what every person should pay. This led to a seismic theological shift in the faith of Irs. Their religious philosophy became one of self assessment and honest judgement of one’s own worth. This goddess doesn’t judge you. You judge yourself, and then she decides whether you did it right. This is why, when they die, her followers are buried with their accounts, receipts and bank statements from the last five years, and an anxiety attack. Hopefully, all will be in order, and their soul will be allowed to fly west to the Isle of Tax Haven. Some scholars of mythology believe that the legends of the Isle of Tax Haven grew out of early seafarer’s tales of Isle of Man.

When a young person is inducted into the sect of Irs they undergo a ritual similar to baptism. Only, instead of using a font, they use a VAT. Many years of study lie ahead for the neophyte. First they must become familiar with the Book of Acts and the Tax Codex. These are anthologies of the scriptures which outline the rules for calculating what each citizen should pay, but they are written in an arcane language, comprehensible only to the cognoscenti. The Book of Acts has chapters with mysterious titles like, “The Income Tax Act 2007”. These students must also master the skill of tax-calculus, a branch of mathematics so fiendishly difficult that it is reported to have reduced students of Kabbalah, theoretical physicists and Carol Vordeman to tears. Tax Calculus is used to derive the assets under the mattress. Finally, they must develop a perfect perpendicular posture by going around with a pile of ledgers precariously perched on top of their polls. Being able to balance the books is the most important skill of all. Eventually Irs’s worthy acolytes graduate to become Chartered Priests. A few of the more esoteric types will join “Outland” sub-sect, who mainly concern themselves with excising ancient customs and enjoy the privilege of being religious duty free when they travel abroad. The most gifted students go on to be appointed to the highest echelon of her cult, the Inspectors. Those who fail their final exams are considered to be a write-off.

The temples of Irs are known as “Treasuries”. They are recognisable by their portcullis entrances with the Crown of Irs carved into the stonework above (known as The Government Gateway). The floors inside were originally tiled with black and white flagstones in a chequer pattern, but this has now fallen out of fashion, so they are now ex-chequers. The temple cats of Irs are renowned for being phenomenally fat felines. Heckin’ chonks. Absolute units. They live by skimming off as much cream as they can from the temple’s milk supply before getting caught. Each temple is presided over by a high priest or “Chancellor”. Irs has two major and four minor “quarter” festivals each year. Their most important festival occurs on January 31st, the sacred day of Self Assessment. It is traditional for Irsians to send one another greetings cards with the message, “Many Happy Returns”. On April 5th they celebrate their New Years festival by closing their books.

Some folks mistakenly think that they can win the favour of the goddess by paying their taxes with a smile. They are incorrect. Taxes must be paid with cash. The adversary of Irs is a demon who gets people out of paying their full taxes in return for a piece of their soul. Lou Pole and his wealthy followers, “The Evaders” are to be feared and thwarted at every turn. They are the origin of the old Irsian saying, “It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle, than it is to get a rich man to pay his taxes.” He is aways depicted in sacred art snatching school dinners from hungry children and medicine from the sick. Irsians believe that Lou Pole can be banished by loudly singing the, “Audit Domine”.

Whilst the existence of many deities is open for debate. Irs is one we can be certain of. For there are but two inevitable things in life. Death and Taxes. Unless you’re Queen Elizabeth II, who does not pay tax and, so far, appears to be immortal.

A huge thank you to @ladysixa for suggesting Irs, for being a loyal supporter of Idol Scribblings and for being one of the loveliest humans on Twitter. I am sorry it took so long, but I had to do your excellent concept justice.

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Thank you for reading. If you have enjoyed this deity, please feel free to share it with your friends. New deities are published weekly. You can get alerted to new deities via Facebook through the Idol Scribbling Page or on Twitter by following @IdolScribblings . Catch up on the Pantheon so far here.

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Chilly Sanders – God of the Nesh

January 31, 2021January 31, 2021 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Everyone knows at least one person who is always complaining that they feel cold. These folk are known as, “The Nesh*”. Chilly Sanders is the god who watches over these perpetually parky people. You don’t have to be cool to worship him, but it helps. If, whilst on the beach on a scorching summers day, you spy someone bundled up in a duffle coat and tartan travel rug, they are very likely to be a disciple of Chilly Sanders. If you were to say, “Winter is Coming” to his acolytes they would look at you askance. For them, winter is already here. Despite their sensitivity to the slightest chill, you will still find his followers out and about at all the big events. They like to feel the freeze and do it anyway.

Chilly Sanders’ mythology is said to originate all the way back in the last ice age, which his sacred texts refer to as “The Age of Shivery”. He is said to be the progeny of the Arthrites the God of Aches and Stiffness and Zephbrrrr the Goddess of Cold Drafts. Sadly, his parents’ relationship did not last long following Chilly’s conception. The deal breaker was that Zephbrrrr kept putting her cold feet on Arthrites whilst they were in bed. Statues of Chilly Sanders always show him to be (like Theseus) hypolispos, or “buttockless”. This is said to symbolically represent the fact that he is always freezing his arse off.

The temple of Chilly Sanders is in Burrrrrrrlington, Vermont. When a non-believer enters the temple of Chilly Sanders their face will instantly melt. This is not due to any Indiana Jones style ancient curse. It is simply because the temple is always maintained at a toasty 38^oC by the gargantuan five jet Robinson-Willey gas fire, in which burns their sacred eternal flame. On entering the temple, each worshipper is greeted by the priests with a rousing chorus of, “Put the wood in the hole! Were you born in a barn?” The worshipper will then hang their cap on one of the impressive temple hat pegs. The priesthood can be recognised by the sacred giant knitted mittens which they must wear at all times. The church undertakes lots of good works in the community. These include supplying hot meals daily to the vulnerable. They fund this endeavour by manufacturing much sought after t-shirts bearing the image of the god.

Whilst worshippers of Chilly Sanders may be of any age. However, the majority of the flock are either of the venerable persuasion or hail from warmer climes. The only people excluded from the faith are teenagers who whinge about being cold but won’t put a sweater on. People from Newcastle-upon-Tyne are technically welcome to join. It’s just that none of them ever have.

Members of the faith who are still of working age are afflicted by a terrible curse which follows them throughout their careers. In any office where they are employed, they will always somehow end up sat at the desk next to someone who is menopausal. The most common cause of premature death amongst Sanderians is touching the thermostat.

The faith of Chilly Sanders has many famous philosophical proverbs. Perhaps the best known is, “Cast ne’er a clout. Period.”

* Nesh = A norther dialect word meaning someone who is susceptible to feeling cold. There is no other synonym for this word in English! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nesh

Idol Scribblings Volume One

A collection of 52 deities, ancient and modern, for all occations from Idol Scribblings. Produced in 2019-2020.

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NEW!
IDOL SCRIBBLINGS COMMISSIONS

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Thank you for reading. If you have enjoyed this deity, please feel free to share it with your friends. New deities are published weekly. You can get alerted to new deities via Facebook through the Idol Scribbling Page or on Twitter by following @IdolScribblings . Catch up on the Pantheon so far here.

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Jolly Saint Prick – God of Vaccination

December 13, 2020December 13, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

The great midwinter festival is a time when ancient beliefs take on a modern incarnation, and Jolly Saint Prick is a prime example of this phenomenon. He is a genial spirit who protects mankind from the ravages of disease, especially during those dark pestilent months. Jolly Saint Prick is said to reside the South Pole where he has a celestial pharmaceutical lab staffed by a dedicated team of research elves. This location provides the perfect conditions to keep the phials of sacred vaccines that they produce below the required -70^oC. (Also, it’s actually on a solid continental land mass, so he got a much better real estate deal than Santa). He files across the world in his magical medical sleigh to deliver vaccines to all the good and bad children alike (Jolly Saint Prick does not judge). The reindeer who pull his sleigh are all kept fully up to date on their shots to ensure herd immunity. Unfortunately, Jolly Saint Prick does not have the power to deliver his gift to everyone in the world in just one night. This is partly because two doses are required a few weeks apart.

Jolly Saint Prick has a dedicated team of medically trained priests who administer his blessings and protection to the masses. Whenever this blessing is bestowed the priest will recite a short prayer. The modern version of this prayer is, “You’ll feel a sharp scratch.” Traditionalists are still campaigning for a return to the original version, “You’re going to feel a little prick.” Their chief argument is that the polite, modern version deprives a nervous patient of the little dose of double entendre that can help get them through the experience.

They say you should never look a gift reindeer in the mouth, but despite all the evidence to the contrary, some people are sceptical of, and even violently hostile towards, the good works of Jolly Saint Prick (usually worshippers of Teflonata). One concern voiced, is that modern vaccines may be being used to insert microchips into people. All I can say, is that it is a big improvement on vaccines in the 1980’s when there was a whole 5¹/₄inch floppy disc in every tetanus shot. I jest, of course. Jolly Saint Prick’s rigorous safety procedures ensure that the only chips inside us this winter are the ones we’re filling our faces with over the holiday. Fortunately, Mr William Shakespeare of Warwick bravely set an example by becoming the first person in England to receive the new vaccine. He knows that uneasy likes the head that wears the corona. In Northern Ireland, when they were selecting the first person to receive the vaccine, they chose a keen ‘un.

I will leave you with a short extract from the famous sacred psalm “A Visit from Saint Prick”.

Now Astra! Now Zeneca! Now Oxford and Pfizer!
On Moderna! On BioNTech! On Janssen and Sputnik!
So hopefully we won’t get the bloody bug after all,
Vaccinate! Vaccinate! Vaccinate all!

I would like to thank Larry Brennan for kindly agreeing to be my model for Jolly Saint Prick. Thank you for lending your awesome Santa energy to this deity!

Thank you for reading. If you have enjoyed this deity, please feel free to share it with your friends. New deities are published weekly. You can get alerted to new deities via Facebook through the Idol Scribbling Page or on Twitter by following @IdolScribblings . Catch up on the Pantheon so far here.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Karenken – Blond Bobbed Abyssal Beast

November 30, 2020November 30, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

The Karenken – A Blond Bobbed Abyssal Beast.
© H. Hudson-Lee 2020

The Karenken is a hyper-privileged abyssal beast that wants to speak to everyone’s manager. It takes the form of a tangle of seething, entitled tentacles, lurking in the depths of ocean trenches. The Karenken can be distinguished from other marine behemoths by its celebrated asymmetrical blond coiffure (a style known to the French as the “bob a feté”) and the flushed pink hue of its skin. If this wasn’t recognisable enough, you can be in no doubt that you are in the presence of the Karenken once you hear its distinctive call. This sounds a lot like, “DOYOUKNOWWHOIAM!” It is not clear exactly how much sway the Karenken has over hearts and minds of mankind, but they certainly consider themselves to be an influencer.

The cult of Karenken is an extremely dark religion, known to regularly practice human sacrifice. They find a ready supply of victims by regularly advertising minimum wage retail jobs. When a rite to appease the Karenken takes place, the unfortunate victim is taken out to sea on a temple ship, where they will first cast some material offerings into the waves to try and appease the Karenken. The Karenken will then erupt from beneath the spume with boiling ire, expressing violent displeasure about the quality of the material offerings, how long they took to be delivered and the general attitude of the assembled priests. At this point, the High Priest or “Manager” comes forward and performs the sacrifice by firing the victim. Very, very literally. The Karenken then retreats beneath the brine, sated for now. This ritual is known as “The Customer Service”. Students of comparative religion have concluded that this just goes to prove that what the Karenken truly feeds on is drama, attention, and the souls of junior workers who just want to earn enough to eat today. (The victim is not always doomed, very occasionally one manages to escape by hiding in the toilets and crying.)

The acolytes of the Karenken have a wider holy mission, making sure the online presence of the Karenken can always be felt via the ethernet. Much of their time online is spent writing scathing reviews and comments about innocent businesses. Preferably companies small enough that they wont have the spare capital to sue for libel and defamation. The church have a helpful website to teach neophytes how to take down a social media manager in one easy comment, known as “Rip Advisor”. Using the religious guidance on this website enables a new member of the religion to learn how to make people in ecommerce yell and yelp in a few easy steps. When not incinerating “menial employees” or leaving negative feedback, worshippers of Karenken have a tendency to support dubious political movements. A recent example being their backing of the insidious “Make Atlantis Great Again” campaign. To fund the upkeep of their temples and their works, worshippers of Karenken hold an annual amateur variety show called “The One Star Revue”. This may be the only known theatrical event where all the critics are on the stage.

Throughout history, followers of other deities have been known to attempt to summon and channel the power of the Karenken to do their bidding. Most recently, the priests of Tantrump who sought to harness the power to overturn an election result. This course of action is very unwise, as the Karenken only ever serves the Karenken. What they think will be an awesome force of nature on their side always turns out to be a damp squid.

If you encounter the Karenken, it is possible to banish it. Just tell it you ARE the manager, and repeatedly chant the ancient protective mantra, “Fou Kovf.”

Thank you for reading. If you have enjoyed this deity, please feel free to share it with your friends. New deities are published weekly. You can get alerted to new deities via Facebook through the Idol Scribbling Page or on Twitter by following @IdolScribblings . Catch up on the Pantheon so far here.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Tantrump – God of Sore Losers

November 7, 2020November 9, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 1 Comment

Tantrump is the god of people who petulantly wail, “That’s not fair! I want a do-over!” whenever they don’t win. He is a deity of denial that Ancient Egypt wants nothing to do with. Tantrump was born the son of the Juan Perscent, God of Obscene Wealth, and Privilegina the Goddess of Entitlement. Despite his august parentage, after the age of 13 Tantrump was raised by schools. That is so much worse than being raised by wolves (at least wolves have been known to show affection). As an adult god he turned a strange shade of orange when he became the first painted idol to use creosote. It is thought that this came about because he wanted to emulate Croesus, but badly misread the name. Tantrump resides in a towering celestial Palace made entirely and tastelessly of gold. (If you think that sounds nice, stop for a moment to imagine how cold his toilet seat is.) It is situated in the centre of a large golf course, encircled by a huge wall. Who payed for the wall? Everyone paid for the wall… …to keep him in.

Tantrump’s priests and priestesses are all said to be descendants of the God, fathered on an unfortunate succession of mortal supermodels, known as the “Mama Lagos”. The high priest is always the eldest of the god’s children and is known by the title “Junior”. They don’t sing any hymns in this religion, because nothing rhymes with orange.

The festival of Tantrump officially begins on the 3rd of November with a vote to select a new chief of the Gods. The following four days are known as the Schrödinger’s President’s Days. When Tamtrump is in a metaphysical state of being both victorious and not victorious, and remains a quantum uncertainty until all the ballot boxes are opened. On the first two days Tantrump’s worshippers will claim success and celebrate before the race is fully run, whilst the rest of the world sits nervously wearing out their F5 key. On the third day, when things are no longer going their way, worshippers of Tantrump will start crying foul without any evidence of untoward shenanigans. On this day the priests will conduct a ritual to summon the asymmetrically blonde bobbed abyssal beast known as “The Karenken”. The Karenken, once summoned, demands to speak to the poll managers, the Supreme Court, and failing that screams into the void of social media. It can be recognised by its distinctive cry of “Stop the Count” and its vicious attacks on Usps the messenger of the gods.

Finally, on the fourth day, news of Tantrump’s defeat arrives. At first he refuses to accept the result, but not even Four Seasons Total Landscaping can fix this landslide. At the climax of the festival, Tantrump’s head explodes in an apoplexy of hubris and bile. This makes America gay again and the people of the wider world rejoice with them. Redefining the term a “Grand Old Party”. Together they see off the shell of the defeated deity with cheerful cries of “Bi den!” The last rite of the festival takes place two years later, when Nevada finally delivers its results. This delay is thought to be due to the “What happens in Vegas” effect. Officially the festival is meant to take place every four years, but right now everyone feels a bit like that would be a bit too soon to go through all this again.

Thank you to Gareth Wilden for suggesting Tantrump.

Idol Scribblings Volume Two
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Pre order before November 14th 2020 for a special early-bird discount and to get your name included in the book as a patron.

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Thank you for reading. If you have enjoyed this deity, please feel free to share it with your friends. New deities are published weekly. You can get alerted to new deities via Facebook through the Idol Scribbling Page or on Twitter by following @IdolScribblings . Catch up on the Pantheon so far here.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Ouboboross – God of Painting Joyfully

October 24, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

The divine demi-beast Ouboboross is worshipped as a symbol of the eternal endurance of art and the joy it brings to humanity. He did not intend to swallow his own tail. However, he decided that this had not been a mistake, just a happy little accident, and he stuck with it. (Although some jealous minor deities accused him of doing it to try and make his ars longa). He is a deity of enormous power. He has the ability to move trees, rivers and even mountains with the stroke of a pallet knife. He also has the power to magically transform human errors into beautiful flocks of birds or lazy waterfalls. Ouroboross is also famed for ability to miraculously cure insomnia. His low sultry voice is said to be capable of lulling a caffeinated two year old to a restful slumber.

Followers of Ouboboross believe that there is an artist hidden at the bottom of every single one of us, and that the secret to doing anything is believing that you can do it (although practice helps). They also believe that Ouboboross is a guiding hand in the evolution of the universe. According to them, it is he who ensures that each of the little things are individuals – all of them special in their own way. The underlying philosophy of the Ouroborossian way of life is to do something every day that will make you happy. For most this involves painting, because every day is a good day when you paint. However, some of them simply like to beat the brush. Upon death, Ouboborossians believe that their souls will released from their mortal shells to become as free as clouds and they will just lay around in the sky all day long.

The cult of Ouboboross may be the most loving, welcoming and inclusive of all religions. Accessible to all. Even the colour blind can join and learn to create majestic snow scenes. The flock are a happy bunch, they may paint an umber bridge, but they’ll never take umbridge. Because the sect brings together like-minded people, devotees often meet the love of their life through the church. The traditional Ouboborossian chat-up line goes, “Is that a squirrel in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?”

The temple of Ouboboross is built up in a happy little tree which stands alone. (There used to be crooked tree next to it, but they sent that one to Washington). When you arrive at the temple, it is customary to talk to the tree and make friends with it, (there is nothing wrong with having a tree as a friend). Once inside you will be able to marvel at the main gallery, which is hung with thousands of almighty paintings. Visitors to the tree temple are invited to go out on a limb, because that’s where the fruit is.

A ritual to honour Ouboboross always lasts for half an hour. Worshippers will congregate dressed in old shirts and clutching their brushes to paint along with one of Ouboboross’ 403 sacred video recordings. The service ends with the congregation chanting the prayer, “So from all of us here, happy painting and Ouboboross bless, my friend.” There are said to be other rites. Strange sensuous rites, held in the temple’s inner studio sanctuary. Acolyte armature artists will anoint themselves with linseed oil and make love to a sacred canvas. It is said to be a highly liberating experience, many of the faithful have found freedom on the canvas. If you get invited to observe one of these rituals, remember, there’s no pressure. Just relax and watch it happen.

If you have been converted to the way of Ouboboross, you can show your devotion by purchasing Ouboboross t-shirts, garments and gifts through my RedBubble Shop.

**For Ouboboross tailored for light garments and items, click here** https://www.redbubble.com/shop/ap/60718828

**For Ouboboross tailored for dark garments, click here** https://www.redbubble.com/shop/ap/60719336

Thank you for reading. If you have enjoyed this deity, please feel free to share it with your friends. New deities are published weekly. You can get alerted to new deities via Facebook through the Idol Scribbling Page or on Twitter by following @IdolScribblings . Catch up on the Pantheon so far here.

Wella Didwarnya – Goddess of “I Told You So”

October 4, 2020October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Who could have foreseen that a Premier who wouldn’t wear a face mask during a global pandemic would wind up in hospital? If you did, then Wella Didwarnya is the deity for you!

Wella Didwarnya spontaneously came into existence within 15 minutes of the first human marriage. She grew in power as quickly as their first offspring grew into teenagers. She is also known as “The Lady of the Lake of Tears” and Icalledit. She walks the mortal world, watching for that potent combination of ignorance and hubris. When she finds it (and it never takes long), she can deliver devastating poetic justice faster than Karma can pull its socks on. Wella is always depicted with a slightly self-congratulatory countenance, described as a “resting smug face”. She is sometimes inaccurately described as “doe eyed”. In fact, what she has is hind sight.

Wella Didwarnya’s following is mainly comprised of historians, medical professionals, scientists, climate change activists, teachers, and exasperated parents. They are not prophets in the traditional “mystical vision” sense. They make their predictions using a combination of careful scrutiny of past events, experience, scientific method and analysis of firm data. This makes them 96.25% more accurate than your average oracle, and 99.9% less popular. Their predictions are almost never heeded due to Johnson’s Razor, which states that, “He who hates smart arses, is in the greatest need of smart arses.” One mystery of the universe her scholars have never been able to solve is why fascists call themselves the “Far Right” when they are so-far wrong.

When a follower of Wella has a particularly momentous prediction come true the whole congregation will celebrate with set of ceremonies known as, “The Gloating Rites”. These rituals commence all the worshippers retweeting the original prediction which proved to be correct, followed with the dancing of the “I Told You So” dance. The whole shebang concludes with the poignant “Minute’s Silence with an Old-Fashioned Look.”

The priestesses and priests of Wella Didwarnya work as dedicated archivists to maintain a library of literature and social media posts by notable people. Especially quotes from those folks who have a tendency to hold forth on subjects they have little knowledge of, (so mainly politicians and tabloid columnists). This prodigious resource is made accessible to all followers for quoting in #ThatAgedWell situations. They are led by a High Priestess who focuses on predictions with potentially global consequences, such as climate change. She is known by the title, “The Inconvenient Ruth”.

The worshippers of Wella Didwarnya don’t always get everything right. A recent effort to be more magnanimous in victory, which involved sending a freshly baked pie to every person they repudiated, was very badly received. One virtue of followers of Wella is that they do try to learn from their mistakes. They deduced that the problem was using Spheniscus humboldti penguins as a filling. After all. No one likes eating Humboldt Pie.

Thank you for reading. If you have enjoyed this deity, please feel free to share it with your friends. New deities are published weekly. You can get alerted to new deities via Facebook through the Idol Scribbling Page or on Twitter by following @IdolScribblings . Catch up on the Pantheon so far here.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Dom Estos – God of Leaving the Toilet Clean and Usable

September 13, 2020October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Dom Estos is essentially the god of being considerate to those who have to follow you into the stalls of life. He is also known as “The Toilet Attendant of the Gods”. His mythology begins during the Aphedronomachy*. This unfortunate incident started when some bad meat was burned in sacrifice to the Gods. Poor Zeus was loose and Hera never felt queerer. Following this harrowing battle of the bowels, the King and Queen of the Gods decided that there should be a deity responsible for ensuring that the divine derrieres always had a clean throne to sit on.

Dom Estos, who had been a humble naiad of the water closet, was selected for promotion. Hephaestus dutifully forged two weapons to aid him in his duties. Unfortunately for the Olympians, who expected to avoid domestic labour, Dom Estos achieved his aim by ensuring every deity cleaned up after themselves. Any God or Goddess leaving havoc in their wake was threatened with “The Toilet Brush of the Gods”. Particularly stubborn celestial entities were chastised with the dreaded “Plunger of the Gods”.

Followers of Dom Estos are known for their pithy sayings which sum up their philosophies. These include, “Take nothing but your relief. Leave nothing but a warm seat”, “Stand close to thy faith, for thy sword be shorter than thou knowest,” and “To give thanks, scrub your Armitage Shanks”. They believe that, if they live a considerate and hygienic life, they will go to the blessed Elsan Fields in the afterlife.

Any privy, crapper, garderobe or dunny is automatically a sacred space of Dom Estos. However, there are also a few dedicated shrines around the world. In the UK this is located in a scented glade near Looe on the south coast. (Readers in the USA can find their nearest temple in Flushing Meadows, NY.) These shrines are functional yet beautiful buildings, entirely clad in porcelain tiles inside and out and decorated with bubbling fountains. The grounds are dotted with sunny yellow marigolds which wave gently in the breeze. (To be clear. The gloves, not the flowers.) These sanctuaries also usually have a café. Thankfully, housed in a separate building. However, they do not serve coke floaters, chocolate logs, Mississippi mudslides or anything with sprinkles.

Devout worshippers making a pilgrimage to a sanctuary of Dom Estos will, upon arrival, make a small offering, typically a urinal cake, a bar of sanctified scented soap, a triple ply quilted sacred scroll or a phial of blessed bleach. Then the worshipper is free to spend some time at the temple in quiet, solitary meditation, seated on an elegant porcelain throne. The visit concludes with a through ritual cleansing of both the throne and the hands, and the lighting of a sacred scented candle (or at very least, a match). Those who prefer to stand as they meditate, must also complete the rite of “The Lowering of the Seat”. (Failure to carry out this ritual will lead to the pilgrim being pursued by an angry, wet arsed priestess with a bruised coccyx.)

Priests of Dom Estos are well known for their community outreach work as toilet attendants. They primarily prevent gents from splashing their stream everywhere by lurking by the sinks and making all but the most desperate piss shy. There are also sacred music collectives dedicated to Dom Estos. Amongst the best know of these are the Bloo Man Group and the Cisterns of Mercy. The clergy are led by a High Priest who holds the title of the Pope Pourri. He is supported and advised by a Privy Council.

Whilst being primarily concerned with lavatorial facilities, Dom Estos also covers campsites, beauty spots and beaches. His arch nemesis is the demon Pooperscooper. Who, according to folklore, comes in the night to decorate the trees with bags full of dog shit. His divine consort is Princess Charmin, Goddess of Knitted Dollies with a Toilet Roll Under their Skirt. Hi sacred animal is the Toilet Duck. A mischievous creature known for attacking the unclean from behind. Such an ambush is to be feared. That fowl beast can really get under your rim.

*Lit. “Latrine War”

This deity was suggested by Kay Barnes. Thank you for a great idea and for your continued support for Idol Scribblings. Welcome to the Idol Scribblings Hive Mind!

Thank you for reading. If you have enjoyed this deity, please feel free to share it with your friends. New deities are published weekly. You can get alerted to new deities via Facebook through the Idol Scribbling Page or on Twitter by following @IdolScribblings . Catch up on the Pantheon so far here.

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Matricula – Goddess of Exam Results

August 23, 2020October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Matricula is the Goddess of Exam Results, a youthful deity who personifies hard work and integrity. She watches over those people who face opening “that” envelope, the contents of which decides one’s future. The envelope that contains the culmination of months or even years of blood, sweat and tears. She always has a sympathetic ear for the prayers of students who have done their best, but is somewhat deaf to those who know, in their heart of hearts, that they could have tried harder. She can be a wrathful deity and has been known to vigorously smite ignorant people who say things like, “Of course, the exams are getting easier these days.”

Matricula is primarily worshipped by people in their late teens who are completing their further education. Other followers include the educators and parents who are supporting these young people through their coming of age. The youth element of the faith are known as the “Candidates”. The priesthood of Matricula is comprised of highly qualified adults and has several levels of seniority. At the entry level are the dutiful Invigilators who run the temples and maintain a revered hush within. Invigilators may be the lowest rung of the clergy, but they still have significant powers, such as the ability to wipe your calculator memory. Invigilators are supported and presided over by the Markers, Moderators and Examiners who maintain the sect’s rigorous standards. There is also a mystic group of prophetic priestesses, known as the Syllabi Sisterhood, who cryptically predict what may be on the test next year.

Temples of Matricula are known as “Centres”. They do not have names, instead they are identified by a five-digit Centre Number. Each Centre is approached by a narrow bridge which leads to the main entrance. On this bridge stands an elderly, bearded man in a long grey hooded robe. As each Candidate goes to pass over the bridge to the temple he bangs his staff upon the ground and declares, “If you have not studied, YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”
If you have done your revision, and are allowed inside, you will see rows upon rows of rigidly arranged desks and chairs. There will be exactly 1.25m from the centre of each chair to the centre of the next. They face the front of the room where you will see a large clock and an altar, behind which you must leave your coat, bag and mobile phone (turned off) for the duration of the service. The service will typically last between two and three hours. Don’t worry the presiding Invigilator Priest will give you ten minutes warning when the end of the service is approaching. Interestingly, services of the Church of Matricula are the only known religious ceremony in the world where you have to be accompanied if you need to go to the toilet. (It is considered the height of bad manners to ask your Invigilator for extra paper at this time.) Candidates will often bring a small offering of cough sweets or mints to the temple. These must be presented unwrapped and in a clear plastic bag.

The most famous annual ritual of Matricula is the late summer festival of “Results Week”. It begins at 8am on the second Thursday in August, when the eighteen year old Advanced Level worshippers will gather at their Centre, often with their parents, for the rite of “The Opening of the Envelopes”. It is traditional for the young worshippers to arrive for the ceremony bathed in nervous sweat, and to leave at the end bathed in tears. Either joyous or of bitter disappointment. Although, officially, students cannot open their envelope until 8am, there always seems to be at least one lucky worshipper who gets to jump the gun, just so that they can be filmed opening their envelope for the TV Breakfast News. The next six days are known as “The Clearing”. A time of either celebration or frantic worship of Matricula’s divine father Ucas, God of University Places.

Some erroneously believe that a U is the lowest grade you can possibly get in an exam. In fact, the lowest possible mark is when the exam moderation committee share your answer on their WhatsApp group for a laugh. The sacred writings of Marticula, first transcribed by the prophet Marcus Schemius, are always produced by hand in blue or black ink (attach extra pages if needed). Sadly, unlike other ancient documents, there is no quirky marginalia to be found hiding in the borders of these sacred texts. The margin is strictly for the examiner’s use only.

This strange year we are living through has caused serious disruption to the routines of Matriculans. For a short while it looked like the evil algorithm might spell disaster for the Candidates of the Covid year. Somehow OFQUAL seemed to have been hijacked by the Foundation for United Kingdom Qualifications (or FUKQ). Thankfully Matricula moved in her mysterious ways and appeared to the Secretary of State for Education in a dream to shout at him and call him an elitist whomperpizzle until he frantically u-turned (i.e. turned the Us into Es). The only good thing to come out of this situation was that, for a moment, we had a government that believed that all teachers gave 100%.

This deity is dedicated to all the UK students affected by this year’s exams upheaval. I truly hope everything works out for you to be able to follow the dreams you have been working towards. Special mention to my Godchild “B”, we are very proud of you.

Thank you for reading. If you have enjoyed this deity, please feel free to share it with your friends. New deities are published weekly. You can get alerted to new deities via Facebook through the Idol Scribbling Page or on Twitter by following @IdolScribblings . Catch up on the Pantheon so far here.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Wayheyup – God of the West Riding

August 1, 2020October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 1 Comment

Wayheyup is the patron deity of that other Eden, that demi paradise, which stretches from Emley to Ilkley. He is a jovial deity with strong Wayheykfield energy. His origins run deep into the mist of prehistory, to the time when the majestic Brontesaurus roamed the wild moors. Today he holds sway over the hearts and minds of approximately 2.4 million dedicated followers, who will go to Elland back for their faith. They often refer to their god as “T’Big Light of t’World”. Suitable piety and devotion to Wayheyup throughout your life can secure you a place in Hebden when you die. Wayheyup is often prayed to in times of drought as he is believed to have the divine power to bring that fine rain which really wets you.

Wayheyup’s home is said to be a celestial castle made entirely from sandals. Much of his mythology involves tales of his bitter struggles against Sithee (God of South Yorkshire). In 1974 Sithee covetously stole a huge chunk of Wayheyup’s territory. This diabolical sacrilege occurred on April 1^st, and Wayheyup and his followers still haven’t seen the funny side yet. Whatever you do, NEVER utter the term “West Yorkshire” within earshot of a devout Wayheyupian.

The head of the church of Wayheyup is known as the Pontefract Maximus. He presides over the principle temple, which is located on a quality street somewhere between Upper Heaton and Hanging Heaton. (The building is always freezing cold because there is no Central Heaton.) The interior is decorated with horse brasses, beaten copper tables, novelty tea pots and grand old Yorkshire sayings painted on the walls in copperplate script. This style of décor is known as “Ilkley Moor Bar Tat”. Other historic Wayheyupian temples of note include the one located in Horbury (which houses a cemetery dedicated to former sex-workers), the one located by the Yorkshire Sculpture Park (considered by many to be the main artery of the faith), and that farm in the middle of the M62. Sadly, their outreach Mission in Batley has now closed and been converted into a gym. This means they are no longer really pushing the frontiers of the faith, and considerable variety has been lost.

The church has several sub-sects. The most famous of which, is a highly mystical coterie, who spend much of their time meditating, singing and providing free fish and chip suppers to the needy. The Hare Ramsdens. There used to be a fundamentalist sect called the Nostellians, but they have been excommunicated for numerous priory offences. These included practicing the Durkar Arts, which caused their victims experience a Terrorvision. Their souls are now newmillerdamned.

When a child of a Wayheyupian family comes of age, they undergo a unique initiation ritual where their parents ceremonially chase them from their home, down the ginnel and into the temple. It’s a rite of passage. Once they arrive at the temple, prayers are said the traditional offerings of a plate of “Shit wi’Sugar On” and a glass of the last of the summer wine are presented to the altar. Music for the ceremony is provided by the kids on the street (because they never miss a beat). Following this, the extended family will celebrate with a slap-up tea of pie and peas with mint sauce, and a pint of local ale. (This customary meal often leads to a morning-after effect known as “Wuthering Bottoms”).

People from outside the region can tend to view the Wayheyupians as quite old fashioned and a little behind the times. To try and overcome this, some important improvements are planned in 2020. Their much loved but fatigued Pacer trains are being retired this year and replaced with the new “Black Lace” service. (The Black Lace Service involves the passengers forming a line behind Colin Gibb and dancing the Conga along the tracks from Wakefield Westgate to Wakefield Kirkgate.) The other major planned change is that Halifax is to be renamed Haliemail.

Followers of Wayheyup may be the people least upset by the coronavirus travel restrictions. There’s nowhere else worth bloody going anyway.

I would like to thank the very gracious @garybrannan of the Technical Difficulties for agreeing to be the face of Wayheyup. (If you have never come across their work, check them out on YouTube, you will lose hours.) I would also like to thank the wonderful people of @Visit_Wakefield for being a constant source of inspiration. Happy Yorkshire Day everyone!

Thank you for reading. If you have enjoyed this deity, please feel free to share it with your friends. New deities are published weekly. You can get alerted to new deities via Facebook through the Idol Scribbling Page or on Twitter by following @IdolScribblings . Catch up on the Pantheon so far here.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.