Arthur Thought – The Holy Spirit of the Staircase

June 30, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Arthur Thought, the holy spirit of the staircase, is the god of perfect ripostes that you think of approximately 5 minutes too late. He was the youngest of the seven offspring of Catatonica – The Celtic Goddess of Speechlessness. He was born a full century after his youngest sibling.

The temples of Arthur Thought always take the form of a small original building which has been extended multiple times with a complex of additional lean-tos. It seems that as soon as one extension is finished, they find that their numbers of followers have grown, so that they need to start planning yet another. This gives his temples a very distinctive, slightly drunken, look.

Being a god of staircases, there are a plethora of them installed in his temples. None of these staircases actually go anywhere, but are beautifully designed and decorated as meditation spaces. They are known as the “Flights of Fancy”. If you tour the temple you will see the acolytes, each sat on their own step, deep in contemplation about what they would’ve, could’ve, should’ve said. Practising “Thoughtians” will also sit of the Flights of Fancy to plan what they will say in upcoming potentially difficult social encounters. To the outside observer, this may seem like a fruitless endeavour, as these meetings will almost never play out as one imagines.

Should you attend a ritual at the temple, you may find the homily or sermon from the priest or priestess a little unusual. At this point of the rite the presiding member of the clergy will stand before the massed, expectant faithful and make silent gaping fish motions with their mouth for a few minutes. Then they will make a high pitched whine and run from the altar, in tears, with their robes over their head. Don’t worry, this is a traditional part of the proceedings, and their fellow priests are standing by to stop them from burying themselves under a rock. The Thoughtian priesthood are renowned for practicing a rare form of martial art where one beats oneself up. This is said to so confuse and terrify one’s attacker that they end up leaving you alone. The High Priest or Priestess is the one who can descend the fewest steps before thinking of a cutting come back when insulted at the top of the stairs (and are therefore literally the highest of the clergy).

The church of Arthur Thought publishes a popular almanac which retro-predicts what you should have said last year. It also reports barely believable, miraculous cases where “La mot juste” came to someone at exactly the right time, against all the odds. If you visit the home of a devout follower, you will find they have several editions of “The Thoughtian Times” on their bookshelves. They will also often be found listening to the excellent album by the gothic band “The Way of All Flesh” called “Espirit d’Escallier”, which they consider to be a sacred musical work.

Arthur Thought has many equivalent avatars in different cultures around the world. Known as Æfterwitt to the Saxons, Treppenwitz to the ancient Germanic tribes, Retractus to the Ancient Romans and Metametis to the Ancient Greeks. Which only goes to show that the phenomenon he embodies is universal to the human condition.

I am sure that I will recall loads more hilarious facts about this deity approximately five minutes after I have sent this to press.

Thank you to a new Hive Mind member, Alan Boyce, for suggesting Arthur Thought. Welcome to the club!

Idol Scribblings Volume Two
Coming out 30th November 2020

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Idol Scribblings Volume One

A collection of 52 deities, ancient and modern, for all occations from Idol Scribblings. Produced in 2019-2020.

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Thank you for reading. If you have enjoyed this deity, please feel free to share it with your friends. New deities are published weekly. You can get alerted to new deities via Facebook through the Idol Scribbling Page or on Twitter by following @IdolScribblings . Catch up on the Pantheon so far here.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Butterman – God of Super Heros

June 25, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Butterman is not the first hero, but he does have a strong claim to be the first superhero. We know of his exploits from original Roman frescoes, mosaics and murals. Unusually for the period, the stories are told over several sequential pictures and are captioned with little Latin inscriptions in speech bubbles.

Like most Superheros, Butterman has something unusual in his genetic make-up. His beautiful mortal mother Lactea was seduced by both Jupiter and his cup bearer Catamitus at the same time in a mythic menage a trois. Unlike Danae’s experience of being impregnated by a golden shower, this was more like two Olymians, one churn. Lactea raised her son to be as normal as possible, but this was not to be. His demi divine parentage meant he excelled in the mortal world. By his late twenties he had become a distinguished Roman General and Statesman. After a highly successful campaign he was féted as the cream of Rome with a triumphal procession.

As tradition dictated, throughout the parade an Auriga slave stood by his ear repeatedly whispering, “Remeber you are but a man” for the whole day. (They do this to stop the celebrated person from milking it too much). Now he romes Rome by night fighting crime and injustice as “Butterman!”.

Needing to conceal his true identity, he developed the first incognito super hero costume. Wearing his subligaculum* over his tunic may not have been the best “look”, but it certainly started something. After a few years as a solo crime fighter, he was recruited a mysterious side kick known only as Ghee-Whiz who was said to be from a land far to the east. Together they destroy those who’s actions are beyond the pail and rewards the virtuous with a little pat on the head.

Unlike later superheroes, Butterman could not fly. However, he had the ability to slide through the streets of Rome at high speed on his buttered sandals. In times of dire need the Vigiles could summon Butterman by lighting the beacon which projects the “Butt Signal” into the night sky. On busy nights he could end up spread very thin.

Butterman has averted wide scale disaster on many occasions. When Hannibal and his herd of elephants came over the alps he helped save thousands of Romans from drowning. His super arch enemy is a snack chariot driving demon called Marge.

Even in his own mortal lifetime, Butterman inspired copy-cat have-a-go heroes. One went as far as to have the temerity to pretend to be Butterman himself. He made a poor show of it though, and the plebians sarcastically nicknamed him “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butterman”. In the end this obsessed wretch was arrested for Storking.

The only people who knew his true identity were his wife Flora and Alfredus the Butterler (who maintains the Butt Cave). He was also said to have been romantically linked to the notorious courtesan Kerry Gold. Much as he loves the city of Rome, he secretly prefers the country life, and likes to get away now and again to roll in clover.

Having two fathers, Butterman is worshipped by many same sex couples. Those embarking on the journey to become parents will often make sacrifices of dairy products at the temple together. In fact he is so popular with the LGBTQ+ community that each of his temples has a little Pride themed charity gift shop called “Momento Homo”.

Temples of Butterman have impressive frontages with elegant columns shaped like milk churns. The windows of the temple are made of paper rubbed with grease until they became transparent.

Priest and Priestesses of Butterman alwsys carry a symbolic replica of Butterman’s weapon “The Butter Knife” to represent defending the vulnerable. For special occasions a full size reproduction is worn. For more convenient everyday wear, they can opt for the smaller, retractable “Stan Lee Knife”. The High Priestess is known as the Shea-Rah. The motto of the priesthood is, “Look after one an udder.”

Oh, and if you were wondering how Butterman achieved full immortality. Before a mighty battle of the Gods, he applied butter to Jupiter’s thunderbolts for him. Thus inventing the much faster and deadlier “greased lightning”. In recognition of this great deed, he was granted apotheosis and ascended to Olympus. Butterman was no longer but a man.

*That’s a loincloth to you.

Thank you to Dave Redford and Nicky Bailey for your help with Butterman.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

RaRaRa – God of Cheerleaders

June 19, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Need a little motivation to get you through Hump Day? Then Ra Ra Ra could be the deity for you. He’s the God that’s always cheering you on to be your best.

The Temple of RaRaRa is built around the blessed “Hand Spring” and close to the summer salt mines. The compound is planted with an impressive orchard of a unique variety of apple tree. These grow an unusual “double apple” fruit known as Pomme-Pommes. The temple building has four wings with a rectangular central courtyard, known as the Squadwrangle, where larger scale worship takes place. Its roof is adorned with many decorative aerials.

His temples have (possibly) the most entertaining services, which always follow a strict routine. The priesthood will guide you in waving your offerings of sacred pomme-pomme fruits in the air and lead you in a rousing chorus of “Give Him an Ankh!” Conducting the worship is arduous for the clergy. So, before they commence they will traditionally drink some root beer to get them rootin’. At the most hallowed part of the ritual, worshippers will share the Holy Hot Dog and all partake of a sip of soda from the JumboMegaCup. After a short break, a guest speaker will usually deliver a half time show sermon. This sermon will often be a subject of furious online debate amongst the worshippers,. Afterwards, as you leave, be sure to pick up a souvenir from the “Tuck Shop”.

There is a large seminary college where postulates are trained for religious service. The first thing they learn is that cheering is a serious athletic endeavour. They must be prepared to exceed those they support in gymnastic prowess. They are also taught to expect and forbear low wages and a general lack of respect. Students are kept company by a friendly ghost who inhabits the building, known affectionately as “The School Spirit”. The college uniform colour is yeller.

The church of RaRaRa rarely involves itself in politics. When they have ventured into the hustings, their candidates have been known to flip flop.

Members of this faith will often save all their lives to be interred in the largest human pyramid possible after death. Followers will often involve themselves in the study of astronomy throughout life. They believe that after death, the journey to the afterlife takes us to become one with the heavens and it is best to know the route in advance. They believe that potentially we are All-Stars.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Octopussy – God of Nuclear Power

June 15, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

The original atomic kitten, Octopussy was created when Schroedinger and Einstein were watching their figures, declared that they couldn’t possibly eat a whole atom each, and decided to split one. Using the get-out claws on the ends of each of its eight limbs, Octopussy fought its way painfully out of Schroedinger’s box (settling that thought experiment once and for all). The tentacle tailed feline of nightmares set forth to shower it’s radiance upon the world. A relatively modern god, dating only from the last century, the genesis of Octopussy is already used to mark the start of a new age. Members of the faith will refer to the time before as “Before Octopussy” or “B.O.” as it was also before the invention of Right Guard.

The clergy of Octopussy are divided into the ranks of Alpha, Beta and Gamma. Gamma priests are those who have penetrated furthest into the ranks of the church and are allowed into the most hallowed parts of the temple. The most sacred of these is the dungeon where the Holy Higgs Bosons are kept. They are absolutely essential to the faith and they cannot have a mass without them. They are carefully guarded by the Dungeoness who watches over them.

As can often be the case in faiths around the world, there is always a danger that the movement may run away with itself. Therefore the faith is governed as a Diocracy, with two leaders to balance one another. One has a duty to drive the word of Octopussy forward and is known as the “Fuel”. The other serves to consider and check progress to a reasonable rate of change and is known as the “Control”. Both the current incumbents of the role are called Rodney. The current Control, Rod, is a usually a very absorbing gentleman, but he can tend to boron sometimes.

The outer temple complex is vast and houses several businesses run by the clergy. You can dine in their highly successful restaurant where they serve fusion foods drawing on the cuisines of all the countries of the world where there are followers of Octopussy. They always receive glowing reviews and are particularly famed for their fission chips. (Sadly the “Cold Fusion Foods” buffet is no longer available. Some say it never was and is but a myth.) One can also stop for a pint in the “Duck and Cover” an olde style English pub. They serve beers from their own microbrewery which include their famous heavy “Water”. Whilst they have grown recently, in the past these revenue raisers were not always enough to fund the temple upkeep. Originally the complex was surrounded by miles of farm land that they held. This has now dwindled to a few acres, as every time they hit at tight patch they been forced to sell a field.

The holy texts of Octopussy are comprised of several separate books by different prophets. Whilst the book of Deuterium is said to be heavy going, I have heard that the Book of Protium is un-put-down-able.

If you should meet a follower of Octopussy at a party, don’t be surprised if they overheat and have a bit of a meltdown on the dance floor if Diana Ross’s Chain Reaction comes on. They can be a little unstable at their core.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Piccaeolus – God of Flautists

June 13, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Piccaeolus is a musical deity with equivalent avatars in the pantheons of many cultures. He is also known as Kazooka, Flautulus, Djethro and Flautingale. He watches over all wind musicians, particularly the little baby piccolo players. The story of his origin states that he was a mortal war child (yes, he was living, in the past) from Rock Island. He shot to fame with his musical performance in a benefit Passion Play. Whilst out one night on storm watch, he was wearing the crest of a knave and a broadsword. This attracted a lightning strike which scorched him and the tree he was stood under from roots to branches. He was resurrected by a remorseful thunder god and elevated to the godhood to serve as minstrel to the gods. Initially the thunder god wanted to keep this under wraps, but Piccaeolus couldn’t wait to stand up and was soon bursting out.

The Temple of Piccaeolus is located in Galway. It is a tall, narrow, cylindrical stone tower with nine ovoid windows. It is carved from silvery andesite and features elegant fluted columns. It, perhaps sensibly, does not have any glass in the windows. At all times within the temple there will be two flutes being played by a minstrel in the gallery. They play the sacred music of Piccaeolus in unison with a minor second interval. There are no temple cats. If there were any they fled long ago. The temple has never ever been cleaned inside, although the outside is very shiny. Hidden to the rear is a constantly dripping outflow tap from which a clear, slimy substance drips constantly.

At the Temple flautists can partake in lessons from the priests. The priesthood are renowned experts in tonging and you will marvel at their fingering technique. You cannot help but improve under their tutelage. They can even teach you the techniques of “Survival Musicianship”. For example making emergency flutes carved from cucumbers. These makeshift instruments are known as Pickle-os. The sacred text of Piccaeolus “Songs from the Wood” will form the core of your syllabus. Be sure to be attentive and keep up in lessons. You don’t want them to think you’re thick as a brick. (Sadly Piccaeolus himself is illiterate. He doesn’t reed at all.)

The priests and priestesses of Piccaeolus also often act as trusted, secure couriers of valuable and sensitive items. They place the items in their care into flute cases, as this means they will never, ever get stolen. However, should you attempt to intercept them, beware! They practice a deadly martial art which involves firing darts from transverse blow-pipes whist standing on one leg to confuse the enemy. The priesthood and more devout followers of Piccaeolus can be recognised by the wearing of the traditional “Soul Stice” prayer bells around the feet. The most devout sect of all go everywhere riding heavy horses and wearing aqualungs.

The followers of Piccaeolus are renowned for all being a little eccentric. In truth every one’s a fruit and nut case. Within the faith of Piccaeolus it is possible to marry one’s musical instrument. In fact, many senior priests do this as an act of devotion. This unusual wedding ritual is very beautiful and moving. Guests will often tear up when the High Priest says “I now pronounce you Man and Fife”. The faith of Piccaeolus is for life. You are still welcome in their community when you’re too old to rock and roll.

Piccaeolus is a joint effort between Wendy Barrows, Pascal Harper, John Kennard, Carey Anne Boyce and Ju Haynes. Thank you for your puntastic assistance. We would jointly like to send our humble apologies to Mr Ian Anderson for the liberties we have taken.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Latrine – Goddess of Music Festivals

June 9, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Latrine is principally a summer Goddess. Many think she originated in the 1960s, but in fact she is much, much older. It is said she was formed from the wet earth churned by the feet and spilled beer of the first humans to gather and entertain each other with turns around the campfire. She has no permanent temple, all music festivals are her sacred spaces. Latrine has the power to maintain good spirits in any weather. No matter how much it rains, she’s never a stick in the mud.

Attending a ritual of worship for Latrine can be a full on and taxing (at 20%), though worthwhile experience. Whilst there are many small and family friendly services around the country every year, the most famous are bewilderingly huge. She is such a widely loved deity that, in order to attend the most popular gatherings, one must first engage in either a multi million pound auction, have a top notch internet connection and the fastest “refresh key finger” in the west or be prepared to throw down in a vegan street-fight. Following this one must muster one’s survival equipment and journey to try and find a patch of field big enough for your tent within a miles walk of the main stage.

Latrine has been said to apparate at honoured music festivals. There is even a photograph of the crowd watching R.E.M. play “Losing My Religion” at Glastonbury 1999 which is said to have captured one of her visitations. If you look carefully, that’s her in the corner. She seems to be divinely illuminated by a heavenly spotlight. Latrine has been known to work miracles for the musicians, performers and crew who strive to stage her rites. One legendary tale, told in revered tones in green rooms around the world, is of how she came to the rescue of The Who. Their minibus ran out of petrol on the way to the Reading Festival in 1966 on a remote country road where they could see for miles and miles with no sign of civilization. The band were just thinking “We won’t get fuelled again!” when Latrine appeared to them with a full Gerry can. They asked “Who are you?” but she just smiled and kept her secrets behind blue eyes. Henceforth this blessed vehicle has become known as The Magic Bus.

The most holy sanctuary within the festival site is the Port-a-Loo. Visiting one is an essential necessity of the proper order of worship. Inside one will receive enlightenment into the full spectrum of the human condition. If Latrine is smiling upon you, your visit will be timed just after her angels in biohazard suits with the sludge-gulper have refreshed the cubicle. For the 0.0956 nanoseconds following their visit, there will be toilet paper and a slightly less pungent odour.

The priests and priestesses of Latrine can be identified by their “Crew” wristbands and AAA laminates. Each festival their role begins as one of organisation, transitions into damage limitation, and ends as a disaster area clean up operation. Worshippers who leave a mess are not considered to be the true faithful by the inner circle. Blessed are those who use a bin. Some clergy are trained specifically as healers to man the first aid tent. They are said to be highly skilled medics as they know the difference between Placebo and The Cure. The security priests have health and safety as their paramount concern. This is why they insist that everybody looks at their hands whilst dancing. Latrine’s greatest powers are her ability to open your mind to new experiences, to create happy memories and the feeling that it was all worth it. She is also known to the Romans as “Domum Stercore”.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Heinie – The Moon(ing) Goddess

June 5, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Heinie is a Goddess you can really get behind. She is an exuberant and cheeky deity who knows good Craic. She’s too high, going too far, too soon. And that’s why there is every chance that you may see the hole of the Moon. Should Heinie appear to you, you will be able to really see her tranquillity. Should you capture a photo of her apparition, it’ll be one for the al-bum. Heinie always appears as the same avatar. She never apollo guises.

The Temple of Heinie is located on cul de sac in a deep ravine between the rolling hills near Nether Wallop. The many reviews by tourists will tell you that the architecture of the temple is best admired from the backside. Be sure to take in the roof, which is supported by graceful moon-beams, and travel up the main staircase to the renowned “Moon Landing”.

The first recorded High Priestess was Lady Culo. She is reputed to have been a highly intelligent and well educated woman. A statue of her still bends over in the temple of Heinie to this day. There is a superstition that if one rubs the left buttock of the statue, three wishes will be granted. Her genie-arse is much revered. The other statue of note in the temple is a life sized bronze of Buzz Aldrin, who is regarded as a prophet. It’s plinth is inscribed with the words “Neil before me”.

If a young lady desires to enter the priesthood of Heinie she will prepare for several years. In addition to meditation, exercise and prayer, she will prepare a collection of skimpy thongs. These are laid away in her bottom draw ready for the day of her initiation. Once she graduates to full priestess-hood, she will wear them for the daily rite where the clergy bare their behinds and raise them to the heavens in prayer. This takes place every day as the dark cleft of the night turns to the crack of dawn. Sometimes the priestesses will moon competitively. They each try to win several victories in a row. Every priestess wants to have a winning streak. On rare and special occasions they will decorate their derrieres with wode, but this only happens once in a blue moon.

The French greet their friends by kissing each other on both cheeks. When the faithful of Heinie greet one another they kiss each other on all four cheeks. Followers of Heinie will find that their wealth waxes and wanes wildly throughout the month. One week their coffers can be full, and a couple if weeks later they’re down to their last quarter. They often have a philosophical and reflective attitude towards these strange tides of fortune.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Pathos – God of Internet Hugs

June 1, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Pathos is the God of remote love and good wishes sent when the going gets tough. He is the God of cute animal gifs, motivational quotes across photos of the sea and that cat that is “hanging in there baby”. The walls of the temple of Pathos are decorated with inspirational words superimposed on atmospheric images. The building of Pathos’ temples are funded entirely through online emotional blackmail campaigns. Pathos’ power is strengthened by his celestial familiar “Likeus”, who takes the form of an insatiable wolf.

Priests of Pathos are skilled cryptographers. They create elaborate, abstruse coded messages designed to generate masses of attention and sympathy. Some of the greatest examples (which have been recorded in Pathos’ sacred text “The Book of Faces) include;

“Can’t trust no one can you,”
“That’s it! Had enough!”
“At the hospital,”
“Sick of fake friends. It’s just me and the kids from now on,”
and the brief but poignant,
“FML”

Sadly, the “Book of Faces” can be hard to read for a neophyte, as the fluid approach to spelling and grammar can make things a little hard to follow. When they are not engaged in ciphering or leading worship, the Priests of Pathos generally like to go fishing. This provides both recreation and emotional sustenance. Whenever a catastrophe occurs somewhere in the world they will leave their recreation and leap to their keyboards to send thoughts and prayers.

Once a year a great festival of Pathos is held where epic theatrical productions are staged. The great writers compete to stage the best tragedy play. The performers comprise a few principal actors, who will deliver lines loaded with mysterious snippets of information from behind masks with frozen expressions. Behind them stands a chorus who beg for detail from the background. The plays are judged by a committee chosen by lot from the audience. The winning playwright is awarded a ceremonial stirring spoon carved from ivy wood. Perhaps the most famous playwright to honour Pathos with his work was S’upocles, best known for his play “Antagonize”.

(Most people won’t read this entry. However,
if you share the word of Pathos, I’ll know who really reads my blog. Please post an eggplant emoji as your status for the next hour to raise awareness of Pathos. When I see who does this I’ll know who really cares.)

P.S. You okay Hun? PM me.

Thank you to Sarah Shepton for suggesting Pathos. (Sarah, please note that the above does not apply to the pictures of cute otters I occasionally send you. Pictures of cute otters have been shown to be therapeutically effective in peer reviewed double blind studies and therefore are totes’ legit’.)

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.