Senna – Goddess of Regular Occurrences

March 31, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Consistency is the watchword of this goddess. Her followers will visit her temple daily without fail, sometimes more often.

Her temple is divided into individual stalls or “Meditation Pods” where worshippers will cogitate in companionable solitude. Each pod is equipped with it’s own throne of contemplation, sacred scroll and library of faith reading such as “Oh Wally, Where Art Thou?” and “The Garfield Philosophy”. Her sacred scrolls are soft, strong and very, very long (and perforated).

The rows of Meditation Pods open out onto a space equipped with basins for ritual cleansing. Unlike other faiths where one ablutes before attending a shrine, worshippers of Senna will wash as they leave.

If you are in need and wrestling to achieve the desired ruminative state, the priests or priestess will give you a chalice of sanctified prune juice, to ease the passing of your spiritual suffering.

Her temple is gloriously decorated by the art, verse and musings of thousands of pilgrims. Such as the famous lines:

“There I sat, broken hearted,
I’d paid a penny and only farted,
My tightened lips in prayer a-quivered,
and Praise be to Senna! I was delivered.”

Thank you to Carrie-May Mealor for suggesting Senna.

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If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Patella – Goddess of Dodgy Knees

March 30, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Some philosophers say that faith is a crutch, but the philosophy of the followers of Patella is to put their faith in a crutch.

Patella has numerous Temples around the world, including ones in; Stepney (UK), Krzywe Kolanois (Poland) and Stiffknee Knob (NC – USA). There are no stairs in Patella’s temples. Every comfortable pew is accompanied by it’s own soft pouffé for the elevation of aching limbs. Hot and cold compress hassocks are available to borrow for a small donation. All prayers are offered from a seated position. Repeated standing and kneeling for prayer is not required. Patella understands.

Patella’s Sabbath day is Saturday. The rites of Patella can induce a euphoria in her worshippers which makes them weak at the knees, known as “Saturday Night Femur”. Other faiths experience “the rapture”, followers of Patella experience “the rupture”. During services “Groaning Hymns” are sung by her choirs, accompanied by trom-bones, in perfect harmon-knee. (One of the most famous of her sacred works is Mike Oldfield’s “Tubular Bandages”.) A sacrament of rubbing alcohol and ibuprofen is shared by the congregation during the service. You are advised to partake sparingly, or you may get inkneebriated. At the close of a ritual, instead of applause, the gathered faithful will crack their joints as they rise to make a clickophony of appreciation.

They are a very benevolent religion. The faithful will always hop to it if they see an opportunity to help the kneedy. They often co-ordinate multi agency disaster relief aid, as they are really good at managing a joint effort. In addition they are big believers in justice and fairness and her church provides free legal representation to accused persons who cannot afford a legal counsel. Especially those hop less cases who don’t have a leg to stand on. Beneficiaries will confirm that they are highly skilled barristers, and have often described them as “the bee’s knees”.

Her clergy can be identified by their distinctive official headwear known as the “Knee Cap”. In countries where religions are suppressed and they must act in secret, her followers will identify themselves to one another via the secret “Limp Handshake”. The mystics of Patella, are said to be able to predict the weather via their aching joints. When a new member is inducted into the priesthood they are ceremonially anointed with Deep Heat.

Patella was Christianised as the Cornish Pre-congregation saints, the twin sisters St Fibula and St Tibia. In the Ancient Greek pantheon her equivalent is Dodgyknees, who lived in a barrel. (If you find the puns in this one too painful, just try to appreciate the iron knee.)

Thank you Rebecca Stothard for suggesting Patella

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Miiiiiiiss – Goddess of Teachers

March 29, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 1 Comment

Shortly after the dawn of time, the earliest two primordial deities were delivered of their first progeny. Being a divine child, it was a matter of minutes before the precocious babe opened it’s lips and asked it’s parents “Why?”. By the end of the day they had been asked this 3,045,867 times. In frustration these first parents took white chalk from the earth, formed it, and poured into it all the knowledge and withering sarcasm they could muster. Then finally they imbued it with a cursed immortal life. Her unique powers are being able to work for 80 hours a week whilst surviving on just coffee and biscuits, and the ability to freeze a miscreant 14 year old at 90 paces with the one word.

Miiiiiiis has three avatars, and sometimes appears as a three headed conjoined deity. She has a Head, a Deputy Head and an Assistant Head. The youngest of these is the comely “Miiiiiiiss Tottey”. She is the embodiment of enthusiasm and idealism, and the favourite of all the boys. She carries the torch of the sacred flame of education and always has traces of glitter somewhere on her. The eldest “Miiiiiiiss Didactia” has been thoroughly desiccated over said flame of education. She carries an expression like a gamma knife and a stick which (you hope) she only uses to point things out on the board. This avatar is a guardian of “the old ways” of golden silence and copying it out again neatly. In the middle there is “Miss Miss Miss Miiiiiiiss” who watches over those with additional responsibility with a kindly professional eye.

Miiiiiiiss does not live on Olympus, Asgard or any of the usual homes of the gods. She is believed to live in a store cupboard in her temple from 3.30pm to 8.30am. For one month a year, in summer, Miiiiiiiss vanishes from this realm entirely. No one knows where she goes. On the rare occasions that she appears to the faithful outside of her temple, they will be overcome with a feeling of excruciating awkwardness and not know what to say to her.

The Temple of Miiiiiiiss is a large institution which smells faintly of fried spam. Be warned, mobile phones are banned here, and if you chew gum be sure to bring enough for everyone. There is a large, ornate clock hanging in each room. Around the bezel of each clock the words “Time shall pass, but will you?” are engraved. One should never actually gaze directly at the face of the Clock of Miiiiiiiss, it is there for her not for you. The Primary Temple of Miiiiiiiss houses a wise Oracle. An offering of chocolate for the staff room is required in order to ask them a question. Then one must raise one’s hand and wait patiently. Unlike every other oracle ever, the Oracle of Miiiiiiiss will ensure you fully and clearly understand their answer. They may even draw diagrams.

Miiiiiiiss is omnipresent and watches the actions of her faithful with interest. The faith of Miiiiiiiss is one of the few that rigorously still records attendance, and may fine a recalcitrant worshipper for their unauthorised absence. If you are using graph paper, the goddess will keep an especially close watch over you. Just in case you are plotting something. It is said that Miiiiiiiss is almost all powerful. She was once, however, overcome by the miasma of 15 teenage boys who had been playing football on a hot day, got rained on and then applied 15 cans of Lynx Africa. Fortunately she was revived by Matronia Goddess of School Nurses with an ice pack.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Flatula – Goddess of Girl Farts

March 10, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Not the most popular deity, and rarely worshipped in confined spaces. The ethos of Flatula is “Wherever you be, let your wind blow free”. She is considered uncouth by approximately 50% of people, the rest find her hilarious. The Flatula mythology contains a devil figure called “Yakult” who continually seeks to destroy Flatula’s divine wind. Her consort is “Throu” God of Digestion. It is generally considered to be better to follow Flatula than to follow Throu.

Followers of Flatula traditionally greet each other with their index finger outstretched and the words “Digitus meus trahere”. They adhere to a strict diet of only beans, mushy peas, cauliflower and eggs in order to ensure a constant production of poius maft.

The vestments of her clergy are designed to lift and waft humorously at the slightest zephyr. At their initiation into the priesthood they will be given a tattoo of a stylised gust of wind on their arms. This is known as “wearing your fart on your sleeve”. The priestesses of Flatula are renowned as skilled physicians. Should you consult them, they will perform a thorough diagnosis which will include taking your fart rate.

The temples of Flatua have elegant, sculpted frontage supported by shapely columns, topped by a fringed pelmet. There are many unglazed windows, to ensure adequate ventilation. Inside the walls are decorated with aesthetic airbrushed murals. These are created by the artist blowing paint the onto the wall using their bottom breath. This distinctive style is known as Pop Fart. There is no limit to the time one may remain in her temple and admire the paintings, you can stay to your fart’s content.

The temple musicians play throughout the day in her honour. Her best known pieces of sacred music include “Fanfare for the Common Woman”, “There Goes the Elephant” and “Shoot that Duck”. The only instruments permitted to be played in her temple are the Kazoo, the rattle and the sackbutt.

Flatula is closely associated with the Viking Goddess Queef. She has many variants in pantheons across the world, she seems to be a deity who resonates with many people. Ironically, should Flatula appear to you, you should not break wind before her. It’s her turn.

Flatula was suggested by Kris Hudson-Lee

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.