Dodocanese is a winged deity who watches over those who love all things avian. Like all gods, his blood is ichor-ous. When he was born, his father Crownus feared one day being usurped by him. He had the infant god exposed on a mountainside to be eaten by his crows. However, only a single corvid came. Therefore it was only an attempted murder. The crow pecked him free, and he was adopted and nursed to adulthood by a nice pair of Tits. Dodocanese now battles against the demons of habitat destruction. In this he uses his mythic weapon, a pair of mighty fat balls in a net which he swings at his enemies.

Dodocanese was said to be the divine father of the half mortal hero Oddiepus. The most notable event in the tales of the labours of Oddiepus was when he met the Sphinx at the top of a cliff and tossed it off. Due to the unfortunate events in his later life, Oddiepus is perceived by some as a villain. In truth he was originally one of the goodies.

The Shrines of Dodocanese are humble wooden huts nestled within extensive grounds of stunning protected, wild countryside. Each has a row of wooden pews in front of narrow horizontal shuttered windows. These allow worshippers to meditate upon nature without disturbing the creatures around them. There may be numerous shrines on any one site, supported by a more substantial Temple building housing workspace for the priesthood, a gift shop and tea room. (It is customary to end a visit to a Temple of Dodocanese with a slice of seed cake.)  Silence must be observed at all times whist in the shrines. The temple has a more convivial atmosphere, but even so the conversation volume is rarely above a murmuration. The principle Temple of Dodocanese (in Swansea) houses an amazing water clock. This timepiece is driven by the flow of water from a natural artesian well, and is known as the “Spring Watch”.

Anyone may visit a Shrine of Dodocanese for a small fee, and full members of the faith have unlimited access. The faith is hugely popular and at services they regularly Packham in. You can also claim sanctuary from persecution in a Shrine of Dodocanese. If you ever find yourself in trouble, they are a good place to hide. Should you ever receive a special invitation to an event at a Temple of Dodocanese, don’t forget to RSPB.

The Priesthood of Dodocanese can be identified by the symbolic binocular medallions which they wear around their necks, their buffalo check shirts and green wellies. They train rigorously until they can sit in absolute stillness for hours on end so that no one will ever call them twitchers. The rest of their time is spent watching over and caring for their flock. Some priests practice falconry. It is a little known fact that eating meat caught by hunting birds can make you extremely flatulant. The resultant emissions are known as “Hawkwind”. (If it causes you to follow through, this occurrence is known as a “Turdus”.)

The High Priestess of Dodocanese is Jennifer Wren. She was recently implicated in the “Waterfowlgate Scandal” when she was found en flagrante delicto with a pair of Gallinula Chloropus. In her defence she said “That moorhenage a trois was the best night of my life.  Je ne egret rein.” She is now derided by the rest of the faith as a dirty old coot. This is a little unfair as, in truth, she is dedicated to sea bird conservation. She adores Boobies and will do anything for a Shag.

Thank you to Alex Smith for collaborating with me on Dodocanese.

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