Euros – God of Money One Does Not Have

In his origin story Euros was created by Karma-Ron, who abandoned him shortly after his birth. He was picked up and raised by the mythical beast Mai-Botte, who tried to help him overcome his psychological issues of abandonment to grow up to be both strong and stable. However, despite her intentions, his guardian failed to take any real action to guide his development. In the end, hopelessly unprepared to face the world, Euros put off leaving home again and again.

Euros became a prodigal son who spurned his supportive wider family. He ambivalently rejected them when he was deceived into believing that the relationship cost him more than he gained from it by the demons Borriz and Gové. The argument over the terms of this separation continued for years, until the patience of his kin was exhausted and they threw him out with nothing. He was cast into isolation in the wilderness where he was taunted by the ignorant opinions of the three “Ghosts of Dreams that Never Were”. These three malevolent spirits are individually named “Pierced Organ”, “Hatie Cockpins” and “Jerkoff Greased-Hog”.

The temples of Euros ring with raised voices. They are of somewhat variable construction quality, and some wings are held together with strained red tape. Every time they try to conduct repairs, someone breaks it. On the altar sit 22 sealed and numbered red boxes which contain a deal of mystery.

During rituals at Euros’ temples, a libation of tea is poured in offering and then the remainder shared amongst the congregation. Tea is considered sacred to Euros because tea leaves. The liturgy will then be read out. This may seem to be nonsense at first, but don’t worry. The officiating priest will repeat it more and more slowly and increasingly loudly UNTIL YOU UNDERSTAND. At the end of the rite the priest will bid farewell to his flock with the words “See EU later”. His sacred texts were displayed on the sides of political campaign busses, until people realised they were bollocks.

You can only join the priesthood of Euros if you have a protruding navel. You must also have a stoic philosophy and be capable of cussedly sticking with a course of action, even when everyone else can see that it is a path to destruction. Priests can be recognised by their head wear. They will sport either a fried egg or a pineapple ring on their heads. Vestments are very important to the priests, and each will have a changing cabinet to facilitate the necessary sartorial standard. Debating is a key skill for a priest of Euros to have. They are capable of arguing for years with nothing resolved. When not on duty, they do enjoy kicking back with a game of chequers.

Be very wary of incurring the wrath of Euros. When angered he is capable of raining a ferment of acidic bile down on his hapless target. These tempests are known as “Farages”. Sadly, Euros is rarely a wise or fare judge, and has often wrongly attacked the victim of the situation.

Thank you to Jen Titley for suggesting Euros.

Idol Scribblings Volume Two
Coming out 30th November 2020

Even more deities for every eventuality with a foreword by Gary Brannan of the Technical Difficulties ( TechDiff.co.uk )
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Cancelle – Goddess of Public Transport

Cancelle watches over all those who chose to take their spiritual journey in close communion with others from all walks of life. She is appealed to by those who wait in the rain or stand in the aisles. Some say that worship of Cancelle is the preserve of the less financially fortunate. However, she also has affluent devotees who believe following her way has benefits for the whole planet. The way of Cancelle is considered by many to be the most environmentally friendly method of getting to the afterlife. Devotees of Cancelle believe that, when they die, they will travel to the next world on a brand new, clean Omnichariot. (The Omnichariot is a high occupancy vehicle which will always move twice as fast when you are trying to catch it as when you are in it). The scriptures say that (for the righteous) it will arrive on time and will be of the correct operating company to accept the Day-Mega-Soul-Saver ticket you purchased earlier. If one has lived an especially devout life, one will travel to the afterlife without having to share a seat or hold a conversation with a fruitcake.

In antiquity her temples used to be known as “Stations”. However, in the 21st Century they have been trendily rebranded as “Interchanges”. They are cavernous halls filled with the aromas of the traditional diesel fume and urine scented incense. The readings and sermon are delivered in an ethereal echoic voice through a crackly P.A. system. Although delivered at great volume and in Received Pronunciation, it is impossible to decipher any useful information. As a back-up, the key points of the homily and scriptures are displayed on electronic screens (when they are working). The service will begin with a cry of “Hold tight please” and will end with the ringing of a small bell. There is almost always inadequate seating in the temples, to ease this issue one should move to the back of the temple on entering. In getting to the back of the temple one can fall over 50 feet with only minor injuries. You should not attempt to sit in one of the “priority seats” at the front unless you have genuine need of them. They are reserved for the elderly and infirm of the congregation. Transgressors of this rule will be condemned to die the “Death of a Thousand Walking Sticks”.

There are some strict rules you must abide by if you wish to visit one of Cancelle’s houses of worship. Unlike many other faiths, consumption of alcohol is forbidden within the temple. Also loud music, skateboarding and keep your feet off the seats. Worshippers are constantly reminded not to leave baggage unattended and are advised to report suspicious packages. So it’s advised not to wear budgie smugglers when visiting. The largest and most famous of Cancelle’s temples is located in Hull. It is considered to be the Paragon of temples. In order to visit one will need to purchase a ticket to Hull and back. If you are in need of refreshment during your visit, most of her temples feature a café serving tea and coffee, the price of which is inversely proportional to the quality. They also serve the customary holy trinity of foods; the Pious Pasty, the Sacred Sausage Roll and the Transcendental Teacake. They do try to keep the temples maintained. If a statue of Cancelle gets broken, they have a replacement bust service.

The High Priest of each temple is known as the “Driver”, and they are assisted by their deputy, known the “Conductor”. (In the higher Maglev Temples, this post is called the “Superconductor”.) As one leaves the temple after your visit, one must express one’s thanks to the priest or be considered a mannerless oaf by all other worshippers. In the south-west the traditional expression of gratitude is “Cheers Drive!” but this varies from region to region. Smaller shrines and chapels are known as “Stops” or “Halts” and may consist of little more than a holy sign on a chewing gum encrusted pole. These are often situated in bleak and isolated places, serving the homesteads of a few remote faithful.

The scriptures of Cancelle are revised at least once annually, changing the number and timings of services, in order to maintain the mystery of the faith. However, the tradition of having a long period of inactivity at some point in the day followed by three services back to back, is always preserved. The days on which the new scriptures are adopted are invariably days of chaos. Cancelle appears in numerous pantheons around the world and is also sometimes known as Schedula, Tramantha and in Wales as Bend-Y-Bus. She is also the Goddess of Monorails, but I couldn’t think of any one-liners about that.

Cancelle was suggested by Nigel Harper whilst on the 135 to Sheffield.

Idol Scribblings Volume Two
Coming out 30th November 2020

Even more deities for every eventuality with a foreword by Gary Brannan of the Technical Difficulties ( TechDiff.co.uk )
Pre order before November 14th 2020 for a special early-bird discount and to get your name included in the book as a patron.

Pre order here https://idolscribblings.blog/the-book

Idol Scribblings Volume One


A collection of 52 deities, ancient and modern, for all occations from Idol Scribblings. Produced in 2019-2020.


Order your copy here
https://idolscribblings.blog/the-book/

NEW!
IDOL SCRIBBLINGS COMMISSIONS


What do you get the person who has everything? Turn them into a God!

I can turn your friend, relative or even you pet into a humorous Idol Scribblings cartoon. They make a perfect gift!

Click this link to contact me for more information about how to deify your loved ones like a Roman Emperor of old!

Thank you for reading. If you have enjoyed this deity, please feel free to share it with your friends. New deities are published weekly. You can get alerted to new deities via Facebook through the Idol Scribbling Page or on Twitter by following @IdolScribblings . Catch up on the Pantheon so far here.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.