Wella Didwarnya – Goddess of “I Told You So”

October 4, 2020October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Who could have foreseen that a Premier who wouldn’t wear a face mask during a global pandemic would wind up in hospital? If you did, then Wella Didwarnya is the deity for you!

Wella Didwarnya spontaneously came into existence within 15 minutes of the first human marriage. She grew in power as quickly as their first offspring grew into teenagers. She is also known as “The Lady of the Lake of Tears” and Icalledit. She walks the mortal world, watching for that potent combination of ignorance and hubris. When she finds it (and it never takes long), she can deliver devastating poetic justice faster than Karma can pull its socks on. Wella is always depicted with a slightly self-congratulatory countenance, described as a “resting smug face”. She is sometimes inaccurately described as “doe eyed”. In fact, what she has is hind sight.

Wella Didwarnya’s following is mainly comprised of historians, medical professionals, scientists, climate change activists, teachers, and exasperated parents. They are not prophets in the traditional “mystical vision” sense. They make their predictions using a combination of careful scrutiny of past events, experience, scientific method and analysis of firm data. This makes them 96.25% more accurate than your average oracle, and 99.9% less popular. Their predictions are almost never heeded due to Johnson’s Razor, which states that, “He who hates smart arses, is in the greatest need of smart arses.” One mystery of the universe her scholars have never been able to solve is why fascists call themselves the “Far Right” when they are so-far wrong.

When a follower of Wella has a particularly momentous prediction come true the whole congregation will celebrate with set of ceremonies known as, “The Gloating Rites”. These rituals commence all the worshippers retweeting the original prediction which proved to be correct, followed with the dancing of the “I Told You So” dance. The whole shebang concludes with the poignant “Minute’s Silence with an Old-Fashioned Look.”

The priestesses and priests of Wella Didwarnya work as dedicated archivists to maintain a library of literature and social media posts by notable people. Especially quotes from those folks who have a tendency to hold forth on subjects they have little knowledge of, (so mainly politicians and tabloid columnists). This prodigious resource is made accessible to all followers for quoting in #ThatAgedWell situations. They are led by a High Priestess who focuses on predictions with potentially global consequences, such as climate change. She is known by the title, “The Inconvenient Ruth”.

The worshippers of Wella Didwarnya don’t always get everything right. A recent effort to be more magnanimous in victory, which involved sending a freshly baked pie to every person they repudiated, was very badly received. One virtue of followers of Wella is that they do try to learn from their mistakes. They deduced that the problem was using Spheniscus humboldti penguins as a filling. After all. No one likes eating Humboldt Pie.

Idol Scribblings Volume Two
Coming out 30th November 2020

Even more deities for every eventuality with a foreword by Gary Brannan of the Technical Difficulties ( TechDiff.co.uk )
Pre order before November 14th 2020 for a special early-bird discount and to get your name included in the book as a patron.

Pre order here https://idolscribblings.blog/the-book

Idol Scribblings Volume One

A collection of 52 deities, ancient and modern, for all occations from Idol Scribblings. Produced in 2019-2020.

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https://idolscribblings.blog/the-book/

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IDOL SCRIBBLINGS COMMISSIONS

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Thank you for reading. If you have enjoyed this deity, please feel free to share it with your friends. New deities are published weekly. You can get alerted to new deities via Facebook through the Idol Scribbling Page or on Twitter by following @IdolScribblings . Catch up on the Pantheon so far here.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Dom Estos – God of Leaving the Toilet Clean and Usable

September 13, 2020October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Dom Estos is essentially the god of being considerate to those who have to follow you into the stalls of life. He is also known as “The Toilet Attendant of the Gods”. His mythology begins during the Aphedronomachy*. This unfortunate incident started when some bad meat was burned in sacrifice to the Gods. Poor Zeus was loose and Hera never felt queerer. Following this harrowing battle of the bowels, the King and Queen of the Gods decided that there should be a deity responsible for ensuring that the divine derrieres always had a clean throne to sit on.

Dom Estos, who had been a humble naiad of the water closet, was selected for promotion. Hephaestus dutifully forged two weapons to aid him in his duties. Unfortunately for the Olympians, who expected to avoid domestic labour, Dom Estos achieved his aim by ensuring every deity cleaned up after themselves. Any God or Goddess leaving havoc in their wake was threatened with “The Toilet Brush of the Gods”. Particularly stubborn celestial entities were chastised with the dreaded “Plunger of the Gods”.

Followers of Dom Estos are known for their pithy sayings which sum up their philosophies. These include, “Take nothing but your relief. Leave nothing but a warm seat”, “Stand close to thy faith, for thy sword be shorter than thou knowest,” and “To give thanks, scrub your Armitage Shanks”. They believe that, if they live a considerate and hygienic life, they will go to the blessed Elsan Fields in the afterlife.

Any privy, crapper, garderobe or dunny is automatically a sacred space of Dom Estos. However, there are also a few dedicated shrines around the world. In the UK this is located in a scented glade near Looe on the south coast. (Readers in the USA can find their nearest temple in Flushing Meadows, NY.) These shrines are functional yet beautiful buildings, entirely clad in porcelain tiles inside and out and decorated with bubbling fountains. The grounds are dotted with sunny yellow marigolds which wave gently in the breeze. (To be clear. The gloves, not the flowers.) These sanctuaries also usually have a café. Thankfully, housed in a separate building. However, they do not serve coke floaters, chocolate logs, Mississippi mudslides or anything with sprinkles.

Devout worshippers making a pilgrimage to a sanctuary of Dom Estos will, upon arrival, make a small offering, typically a urinal cake, a bar of sanctified scented soap, a triple ply quilted sacred scroll or a phial of blessed bleach. Then the worshipper is free to spend some time at the temple in quiet, solitary meditation, seated on an elegant porcelain throne. The visit concludes with a through ritual cleansing of both the throne and the hands, and the lighting of a sacred scented candle (or at very least, a match). Those who prefer to stand as they meditate, must also complete the rite of “The Lowering of the Seat”. (Failure to carry out this ritual will lead to the pilgrim being pursued by an angry, wet arsed priestess with a bruised coccyx.)

Priests of Dom Estos are well known for their community outreach work as toilet attendants. They primarily prevent gents from splashing their stream everywhere by lurking by the sinks and making all but the most desperate piss shy. There are also sacred music collectives dedicated to Dom Estos. Amongst the best know of these are the Bloo Man Group and the Cisterns of Mercy. The clergy are led by a High Priest who holds the title of the Pope Pourri. He is supported and advised by a Privy Council.

Whilst being primarily concerned with lavatorial facilities, Dom Estos also covers campsites, beauty spots and beaches. His arch nemesis is the demon Pooperscooper. Who, according to folklore, comes in the night to decorate the trees with bags full of dog shit. His divine consort is Princess Charmin, Goddess of Knitted Dollies with a Toilet Roll Under their Skirt. Hi sacred animal is the Toilet Duck. A mischievous creature known for attacking the unclean from behind. Such an ambush is to be feared. That fowl beast can really get under your rim.

*Lit. “Latrine War”

This deity was suggested by Kay Barnes. Thank you for a great idea and for your continued support for Idol Scribblings. Welcome to the Idol Scribblings Hive Mind!

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Matricula – Goddess of Exam Results

August 23, 2020October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Matricula is the Goddess of Exam Results, a youthful deity who personifies hard work and integrity. She watches over those people who face opening “that” envelope, the contents of which decides one’s future. The envelope that contains the culmination of months or even years of blood, sweat and tears. She always has a sympathetic ear for the prayers of students who have done their best, but is somewhat deaf to those who know, in their heart of hearts, that they could have tried harder. She can be a wrathful deity and has been known to vigorously smite ignorant people who say things like, “Of course, the exams are getting easier these days.”

Matricula is primarily worshipped by people in their late teens who are completing their further education. Other followers include the educators and parents who are supporting these young people through their coming of age. The youth element of the faith are known as the “Candidates”. The priesthood of Matricula is comprised of highly qualified adults and has several levels of seniority. At the entry level are the dutiful Invigilators who run the temples and maintain a revered hush within. Invigilators may be the lowest rung of the clergy, but they still have significant powers, such as the ability to wipe your calculator memory. Invigilators are supported and presided over by the Markers, Moderators and Examiners who maintain the sect’s rigorous standards. There is also a mystic group of prophetic priestesses, known as the Syllabi Sisterhood, who cryptically predict what may be on the test next year.

Temples of Matricula are known as “Centres”. They do not have names, instead they are identified by a five-digit Centre Number. Each Centre is approached by a narrow bridge which leads to the main entrance. On this bridge stands an elderly, bearded man in a long grey hooded robe. As each Candidate goes to pass over the bridge to the temple he bangs his staff upon the ground and declares, “If you have not studied, YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”
If you have done your revision, and are allowed inside, you will see rows upon rows of rigidly arranged desks and chairs. There will be exactly 1.25m from the centre of each chair to the centre of the next. They face the front of the room where you will see a large clock and an altar, behind which you must leave your coat, bag and mobile phone (turned off) for the duration of the service. The service will typically last between two and three hours. Don’t worry the presiding Invigilator Priest will give you ten minutes warning when the end of the service is approaching. Interestingly, services of the Church of Matricula are the only known religious ceremony in the world where you have to be accompanied if you need to go to the toilet. (It is considered the height of bad manners to ask your Invigilator for extra paper at this time.) Candidates will often bring a small offering of cough sweets or mints to the temple. These must be presented unwrapped and in a clear plastic bag.

The most famous annual ritual of Matricula is the late summer festival of “Results Week”. It begins at 8am on the second Thursday in August, when the eighteen year old Advanced Level worshippers will gather at their Centre, often with their parents, for the rite of “The Opening of the Envelopes”. It is traditional for the young worshippers to arrive for the ceremony bathed in nervous sweat, and to leave at the end bathed in tears. Either joyous or of bitter disappointment. Although, officially, students cannot open their envelope until 8am, there always seems to be at least one lucky worshipper who gets to jump the gun, just so that they can be filmed opening their envelope for the TV Breakfast News. The next six days are known as “The Clearing”. A time of either celebration or frantic worship of Matricula’s divine father Ucas, God of University Places.

Some erroneously believe that a U is the lowest grade you can possibly get in an exam. In fact, the lowest possible mark is when the exam moderation committee share your answer on their WhatsApp group for a laugh. The sacred writings of Marticula, first transcribed by the prophet Marcus Schemius, are always produced by hand in blue or black ink (attach extra pages if needed). Sadly, unlike other ancient documents, there is no quirky marginalia to be found hiding in the borders of these sacred texts. The margin is strictly for the examiner’s use only.

This strange year we are living through has caused serious disruption to the routines of Matriculans. For a short while it looked like the evil algorithm might spell disaster for the Candidates of the Covid year. Somehow OFQUAL seemed to have been hijacked by the Foundation for United Kingdom Qualifications (or FUKQ). Thankfully Matricula moved in her mysterious ways and appeared to the Secretary of State for Education in a dream to shout at him and call him an elitist whomperpizzle until he frantically u-turned (i.e. turned the Us into Es). The only good thing to come out of this situation was that, for a moment, we had a government that believed that all teachers gave 100%.

This deity is dedicated to all the UK students affected by this year’s exams upheaval. I truly hope everything works out for you to be able to follow the dreams you have been working towards. Special mention to my Godchild “B”, we are very proud of you.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Commissions and News Update

August 20, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Hello Idollers everywhere! I hope you are all managing to stay safe, well and reasonably sane out there. My apologies for the unannounced break last weekend, but I was somewhat under the weather, but I am now on the mend. I have a couple of bits of news for you today.

Commissions

What do you get the person who has everything? Deification! Not since the Caesars apotheosised their uncles has it been this easy to confer godhood on your loved one. In other words, I am now offering commissions!

For a consideration, I can turn your friend, family member, colleague (or even your pet) into an Idol Scribblings deity. The picture can be themed around their hobbies, interests, pets, career, favourite food, or whatever you like!

To give you an idea of what you would be getting if you ordered a commission from me, here is an Idol Scribbling of my sainted (now deified) aunt that I produced for her as a Birthday present. In case you hadn’t guessed, she likes champagne and bunnies.

Moira – Goddess of Champagne and Bunny Rabbits

Prices will depend on whether you want black and white or colour, and how many things you want going on in the picture. So it is really hard to give you an idea here, but prices start at around £50 for a black and white character with a witty blurb (unframed). If you are interested, contact me via the contact page to discuss your loved ones ascension to the pantheon https://idolscribblings.blog/contact/

Schedule

I can’t believe it’s August already. This means it is more than time for me to start putting together my second book, Idol Scribblings 2 – The Revenge of the Gods (or something like that, working title). Which I am aming to have on sale at the end of November in time for your Christmas / Hanukkah / Yule / Dies Natalis Sol Invictus shopping. Also, as previously mentioned, I have come to realise that Idol Scribblings is a marathon, not a sprint, and as such I need to start factoring in some time off so I don’t burn out. With this in mind, until the release of the second book, I will be doing two weeks on, one week off. In other words, a deity week, a beast week and then a weekend working on preparing the book.

I will keep you posted about news of the upcoming book launch, including the date and how to pre-order to be assured of getting your copy. Loyal fans who pre-order before the cut off date will be able to get their names in the book!

Remember, the first collection of deities from 2018-19 are still available, but I now only have 5 copies left! So if you haven’t got one yet, don’t delay. They are only available new directly from me. You can snaffle your copy here https://idolscribblings.blog/the-book/

Wayheyup – God of the West Riding

August 1, 2020October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 1 Comment

Wayheyup is the patron deity of that other Eden, that demi paradise, which stretches from Emley to Ilkley. He is a jovial deity with strong Wayheykfield energy. His origins run deep into the mist of prehistory, to the time when the majestic Brontesaurus roamed the wild moors. Today he holds sway over the hearts and minds of approximately 2.4 million dedicated followers, who will go to Elland back for their faith. They often refer to their god as “T’Big Light of t’World”. Suitable piety and devotion to Wayheyup throughout your life can secure you a place in Hebden when you die. Wayheyup is often prayed to in times of drought as he is believed to have the divine power to bring that fine rain which really wets you.

Wayheyup’s home is said to be a celestial castle made entirely from sandals. Much of his mythology involves tales of his bitter struggles against Sithee (God of South Yorkshire). In 1974 Sithee covetously stole a huge chunk of Wayheyup’s territory. This diabolical sacrilege occurred on April 1^st, and Wayheyup and his followers still haven’t seen the funny side yet. Whatever you do, NEVER utter the term “West Yorkshire” within earshot of a devout Wayheyupian.

The head of the church of Wayheyup is known as the Pontefract Maximus. He presides over the principle temple, which is located on a quality street somewhere between Upper Heaton and Hanging Heaton. (The building is always freezing cold because there is no Central Heaton.) The interior is decorated with horse brasses, beaten copper tables, novelty tea pots and grand old Yorkshire sayings painted on the walls in copperplate script. This style of décor is known as “Ilkley Moor Bar Tat”. Other historic Wayheyupian temples of note include the one located in Horbury (which houses a cemetery dedicated to former sex-workers), the one located by the Yorkshire Sculpture Park (considered by many to be the main artery of the faith), and that farm in the middle of the M62. Sadly, their outreach Mission in Batley has now closed and been converted into a gym. This means they are no longer really pushing the frontiers of the faith, and considerable variety has been lost.

The church has several sub-sects. The most famous of which, is a highly mystical coterie, who spend much of their time meditating, singing and providing free fish and chip suppers to the needy. The Hare Ramsdens. There used to be a fundamentalist sect called the Nostellians, but they have been excommunicated for numerous priory offences. These included practicing the Durkar Arts, which caused their victims experience a Terrorvision. Their souls are now newmillerdamned.

When a child of a Wayheyupian family comes of age, they undergo a unique initiation ritual where their parents ceremonially chase them from their home, down the ginnel and into the temple. It’s a rite of passage. Once they arrive at the temple, prayers are said the traditional offerings of a plate of “Shit wi’Sugar On” and a glass of the last of the summer wine are presented to the altar. Music for the ceremony is provided by the kids on the street (because they never miss a beat). Following this, the extended family will celebrate with a slap-up tea of pie and peas with mint sauce, and a pint of local ale. (This customary meal often leads to a morning-after effect known as “Wuthering Bottoms”).

People from outside the region can tend to view the Wayheyupians as quite old fashioned and a little behind the times. To try and overcome this, some important improvements are planned in 2020. Their much loved but fatigued Pacer trains are being retired this year and replaced with the new “Black Lace” service. (The Black Lace Service involves the passengers forming a line behind Colin Gibb and dancing the Conga along the tracks from Wakefield Westgate to Wakefield Kirkgate.) The other major planned change is that Halifax is to be renamed Haliemail.

Followers of Wayheyup may be the people least upset by the coronavirus travel restrictions. There’s nowhere else worth bloody going anyway.

I would like to thank the very gracious @garybrannan of the Technical Difficulties for agreeing to be the face of Wayheyup. (If you have never come across their work, check them out on YouTube, you will lose hours.) I would also like to thank the wonderful people of @Visit_Wakefield for being a constant source of inspiration. Happy Yorkshire Day everyone!

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Androxylos – God of Cartoonists Who Need a Break

July 5, 2020October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Androxylos is the son of the Stressica the goddess of anxious exhaustion. He was not gestated and born in the conventional way. Instead he rose phoenix-like from the ashes of her first burn out. He became the god of people who normally work very hard, but occasionally need and unscheduled, impromptu break for the sake of their sanity. He is the god of phoning it in, of chucking a sickie and of wagging it. Androxylos will help protect the secret of your stolen day. A nice tin of souvenir biscuits is traditionally brought back to place on his altar in order to thank the god for helping you get away with it.

In theory, the worshippers of Androxylos gather twice a year carry out their rites and rituals. In practice no one shows up at the temple on the appointed day, but according to their superiors and spouses they were there! The temple itself is made of sticks, to reflect the nature of this stick deity. It’s not the greatest architecture in the world, but it does. Similar to many other religions, it is forbidden to keep pigs in the temple of Androxylos. This is not, however, because they consider pigs to be unclean. It is merely a measure to prevent big bad wolf attacks. Priests of Androxylos do not wear any special robes or symbolic accoutrements. Instead they can be recognised bu the stick figure family decals on the back of their cars.

You may think this means that Androxylos is a God for the lazy or the slack. Nothing could be further from the truth! In fact he is a guardian of the mental health of the servery frazzled. However, if you play hookey in his name too often, Androxylos will move in mysterious ways to drop you in “it” with your boss, teacher or partner from a celestial height. Trust me. You don’t want to know what “it” is. Let’s just call “it” the remains of the food of the Gods.

Prayers to Androxylos should always be said in a dry, scratchy voice with occasional coughing between words. This is in order to help worshippers develop the correct telephone manner for calling in sick.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Atmos – God of Steam Enthusiasts

June 21, 2020October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Atmos the God of Steam Enthusiasts can be recognised by his distinctive copper rimmed top hat which conceals a shiny dome beneath, and by the jets of steam gushing from each side of his head (these are the exhausts from his engine ears). Unlike the more wrathful deities, Atmos has a safety valve. When angered he is more likely to harmlessly blow off steam than to explode with vengeful rage. You will know if you have received a visitation from Atmos by the scent of coal dust and traces axle grease left behind. His consort, Forbearine the goddess of long-suffering spouses, always makes him sit on a sheet of old newspaper when he comes into their celestial house. Atmos’ sacred animal is a supernaturally fast flying Mallard.

One would be forgiven for mistakenly assuming that Atmos is a deity of the Industrial Revolution. In fact, he had a small sect of worshippers in 1^st Century Alexandria, who wore boiler togas and steel toe capped sandals. In his mythological tales he is the son of Aeolus and a heron. Modern historians believe this may be a misinterpretation of the philosopher Heron demonstrating the first Aeolipile engine. Actually, he’s Stephen’s son. Atmos is said to have two sons, Mamod and Hornby, who are minor gods of junior steam enthusiasts and railway modelers. (Hornby is an especially n-gauging young deity).

Atmos may have some of the most fanatical and dedicated worshippers around. If they are unable to practice their faith as much as they would like, they develop a serious medical condition known as “wet steams”. This disorder can be both prevented and cured by draining your cocks regularly. (Please remember to do this discretely, as draining your cocks may frighten small children and animals.) This can be an extremely costly faith to be a member of, especially if one embarks on a holy restoration quest. Being able to afford to get your boiler re-tubed seems like a distant pipe dream to many. Most members would prefer the sect of Atmos to be open and inclusive. Unfortunately, some fundamentalists tend to deride anyone they perceive as being insufficiently knowledgeable about engineering history. This effect is known as “The Great Train Snobbery”.

The most popular holy drink enjoyed by worshippers of Atmos is strong tea with sweetened condensed milk, brewed on the little ledge above the firebox door. This is sometimes fortified with juniper flavoured spirits, a tipple known as Gin Tea.

Generally speaking, Atmosians like their romantic relationships to be more than a brief encounter. When an Atmosian wedding takes place the bride and groom are coupled by joining hands, vacuum brake pipe, power cable, signal cable, and steam heating pipe. It is vital that both bride and groom belong to the same subsect of Atmos. For example, if one party is a Buckeye and the object of their affections is a Linkanpin it is very difficult to get hitched. If you attend an Atmosian wedding reception, I advise avoiding the punch at all costs. It often gets railroad spiked.

In order to become a Priest of Atmos, one must undergo a complex and gruelling initiation ritual of fire and water. First the neophyte is anointed with Hallett Oil and has their nipples thoroughly greased to prepare them. Then they are deluged with the holy water tower. Finally they must undergo the baptism of firing. For this they must fuel a large locomotive up a long, steep incline. (Not everyone survives this ordeal, weaker candidates have met a Lickey End this way). When they have successfully completed this ritual they are given a ceremonial coal dust tattoo to mark them as a priest of Atmos.

Most of the priesthood can be recognised by their distinctive blue boiler suits, but there are some specialised priests who dress differently for their roles. For example, the Station Master Priests wear incredibly thick soled shoes. (Unlike you and I, who might have “Left” and “Right” written on our shoes, on a Station Master Priest’s shoes it will say “Platform One” and “Platform Two”). There are female members of the priesthood, although they are usually fewer in number. They carry a wheel tapper’s hammer at all times to discourage misogynistic comments and behaviour. The sacred text of Atmos is “The British Railways Rules for Observance for Employees 1950”. Every priest keeps an oil stained copy tucked into the breast pocket of their boiler suit.

Atmos has a fleet of mobile temples. Each one comprises of a rake of specially designed Pullman coaches drawn by a handsome heritage locomotive. The worshippers will use these temple trains for religious day excursions. Each worshipper must bring an offering of a sack of high-quality steam coal, which is placed upon the locomotive’s sacred fire. During the tour, most religious offices will take place in the Observation Car. At each stop on the trip, the congregation will disembark to admire and photograph the locomotive. It is notoriously difficult to include yourself in any shots of these sacred trains as the lens of your camera will become fogged. However, if you are affected by selfie steam issues, you may be entitled to condensation. When not in use, these temple trains are housed one of the master “Round Temples”. Round Temples have a unique revolving high altar on a turntable at their centre. There will also be a delightful a miniature railway which runs around the temple grounds. This is for the welfare of the priesthood, who after a hard day working with trains, like to relax by playing with trains. Just outside the main temple building stands a white box-like outbuilding which houses the temple bell, this is also where distance signals from the universe are received. Should the temple bell ring once, it is the Great Atmos alerting you that a divine message is imminent. It is important to ring back once to let him know you’re listening. Religious tokens are also kept in and distributed from this box. You must hold a religious token in order to pray when under single line worshipping conditions. The Round Temples of Atmos were built by Navis (not the famous Irish and BAME labourers of the nineteenth century, those blue folk from Avatar).

This deity is dedicated to my chuffer-nutter Dad, Mike Lee, who will always be the OG Fat Controller to me. Happy Fathers Day with all my love.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Twometer – Goddess of Social Distancing

June 7, 2020October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Until 2020 Twometer was a minor deity of car park height barriers and low bridges. Before the Covid-19 pandemic, only the people of Finland had considered her aspect as a deity of social distancing. You can read the full story of her origins in the book of “Hygenesis”.

Twometer is always depicted wearing a gargantuan crinoline gown with a four-meter diameter. The bold yellow and back colours of her dress serve as a warning not to get too close. That voluminous skirt is hemmed with 5000V electric fence ribbon. If this proves to be an insufficient deterrent, she also carries a six-foot barge pole with a spear tip that you do not want her to be able to touch you with. Anyone managing to evade electrocution and impalement then comes into range of her deadly hairdo. This incorporates elements of elaborate braiding and the medieval chain mace. This style of unique coiffure is known as the “Pompadon’t”

Worshippers of Twometer mainly worship at home, but very occasionally it is absolutely essential to go out to the temple. These temples have a strict occupancy limit. At busy times they enact a “one in – one out policy”. (There is priority praying for keyworkers between 8am and 9am daily.) One can see the patiently waiting faithful lined up outside, safely spaced apart by the handy guide makers painted on the pavement. Everyone politely abides by this system (even the temple cats). When it is their turn to enter the temple, each worshipper will ritually sanitise their hands as they pass through the vaulted vestibule. A priest will also check their temperature, that they are wearing the mandatory face mask correctly. Anyone heard to have that distinctive dry cough known as the “Fur Cough” will be asked to leave immediately and self isolate.

Once inside a temple of Twometer, one must move around the building in a set pattern, following the guide arrows on the floor. It is a dreadful sin to go the wrong way or try to hurry others ahead of you. An attempt to push past another worshipper will earn you a sharp rebuke along the lines of, “Your hurry to get to the sacramental wine section is not more important than everyone else’s health,” or the earthier, “Do you want to stay six feet away or be six feet under Pal?”

The seating area of the temple has rows of pews, positioned much as they would be in any church or temple. However, most of these seats are blocked from use by stern signs and yellow tape, to ensure no one can be so rude as to sit directly next to anyone else. Prominent signs displayed in the temple read, “Please leave room between you for her Holy Spirit”.

It’s not all prayer and solitary contemplation being a worshipper of Twometer. Computer gaming is an especially popular pastime. The favourite game of most Twometerians is the retro classic “Personal Space Invaders”. The temples usually have spacious grounds which are marked out with a “picnic grid”. Worshippers can use an available square to catch a little sun or dine alfresco whilst being assured of sufficient elbowroom. (This is provided, of course that they take their rubbish home with them. Litterbuggers will be excommunicated.) For those that like something a bit more active, Zorbing is one of the few permitted social sports. Music lovers are catered for too, Twometer has many popular hymns including, “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” and “From a Distance”. However, all music is performed solo, or by a series of musicians taking it in turn to sing via video-link*.

One of the rules of the faith of Twometer is the observance of family planning. No one is allowed a family unit of more than 6. If they exceed this, they will be forbidden to leave the house together. Children in Twometerian families are often home-schooled for at least a portion of their education, and the sect provides a handy list of recommended reading and forbidden texts. The Famous Five books are fine, Secret Seven books are considered unholy.

Incidentally, Twometer has a sister called “Yoo”. In the past (when Twometer wasn’t watching over bent roof racks and dented double-deckers) they occasionally operated together as Goddesses of Removals People and Predictable Slapstick Children’s Entertainers. Their double act “Twometer – Yoo” hope to be back to their old light-hearted shenanigans when all this is over.

* These “pass the brush” recording of popular songs are the only known example in the universe of a whole being less than the sum of its parts.

The Goddess of Social Distancing has been suggested by just about every member of the Hive Mind (in some form or other) over the last 8 weeks. So, this one is for all of you.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Hughjanus – The “Do As I Say, Not As I Do” Demon

May 25, 2020October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 1 Comment

Hughjanus is an evil entity who hovers on the shoulders of those in positions of power and whispers, “…but it’s okay if you do it. You’re special.” He is also said to ride forth across the land spreading disease and pestilence wherever he goes.

It is said by some that Hughjanus son of Werentme, the God of Denial. Werentme will not confirm the paternity, but Hughjanus was spotted staying at his celestial barn conversion the other week.

Hughjanus has two faces, mounted back to back. His head is constantly spinning around Exorcist-style, so that each visage can try to defend and excuse the behaviour of the other in turn. The first face appears bluff and jovial, luring you in, the reverse has a sinister countenance and is known as, “The Glower Behind the Throne.” Statues of Hughjanus usually only depict the head, as the rest of his body is all arse.

Hughjanus loathed by most, and is only worshipped by those whom he as managed to lure into his thrall. Once you are under the spell, it is harder to get out of his sect that is is to get out of the mafia. Hughjanus looks upon all his acolytes as expendable herd beasts, unless they are momentarily useful. He does not consider mortals to be capable of true emotion. Any problem of his is more urgent than your problem, and grief he feels is more profound than your suffering. He will not hesitate to demand the sacrifice of one or even hundreds of lives for his gain or convenience.

Thanks you to @Canocola of Twitter for helping to create and name Hughjanus.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Amazonia – Goddess of Excessive Packaging

May 24, 2020October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Amazonia is the goddess of excessive and ridiculous packaging. She is a mystery wrapped in an enigma, sealed in a blister pack, swathed in bubble wrap, nestled in wotsits, and encased in a cardboard box. (Despite this outward appearance of robustness, like the rest of us, she’s still slightly broken inside.) Amazonia was not born or purposely created. Back in the dawn of time, a primordial proto-deity accidentally cut himself in an intimate area whilst trying to open a parcel of ambrosia with a sickle. His blood and seed was splattered across the polystyrene deluge that spilled forth. Amazonia rose spontaneously from this sea of packing peanuts and sailed to the shore in a clam-shell case.

Amazonia tried to take a consort, after she fell in love with the one eyed giant Polytheneus. Sadly, after eight hours of unsuccessfully trying to get one another’s kit off, they decided to wrap things up. Amazonia is now resigned to the fact that Nobody can get in her knickers. For company, Amazonia now goes everywhere with her sacred animal, a Marmoset monkey, better known as the Amazonian Primate. She also has a flock “Shipping Label Birds”, which she keeps in her celestial Avery.

Amazonia’s temples are constructed entirely from cardboard and resemble a child’s box fort gone mad. Either side of the entrance are two signs, one which says, “Fragile” and the other “Ԁ∩ ʎ∀M SIH⊥” The temples are always at least five sizes bigger than they need to be for their congregation. The cavernous voids of these sanctuaries ring with the voices of the priests performing the chants of their sacred “Wrap Music”. At one end of the otherwise empty space stands a small altar looking a bit lost and forlorn. Here, regular offerings are made to the goddess. The most popular, traditional, every-day offering is a shrink-wrapped orange. On special holy days more elaborate sacrifices are made, such as a gnat’s spaff of premium brand perfume in a 10lb lead crystal phial, or a memory stick in a steel shipping container. To raise funds for the upkeep of the temple (which requires major structural work after every shower of rain) the priesthood run a famously reliable courier service. You may have seen their adverts, “Lecter Logistics – We Always De-Liver!” The principle temple of Amazonia is located in the Lake District town of Kendal. The goddess is very popular here as the people of Kendal like to keep everything in mint condition.

The priesthood of Amazonia all wear robes constructed entirely from packaging materials and all have surprisingly long fingernails. The design of their garb varies greatly depending on which subsect the cleric belongs to. The more traditional and austere coteries wear cassocks made from brown paper and string. The more modern denominations opt for contemporary materials. Perhaps the most shocking are the controversial “Sisters of the Blister” with their semi rigid plastic vestments which are completely transparent! The high priestess wears an ancient sacred tie-wrap girdle, said to have once been worn by the goddess herself. Other mythic girdles have conferred invincibility on their wearers, in this case it is the girdle itself which is invincible. It has bent scissors, broken swords and even worn down angle grinders.

When a new initiate joins the sect of Amazonia, they undergo a special form of baptism. They will stand adjacent to the officiating priest, who will stab the little plastic straw violently into a juice box, liberally anointing the neophyte with Um Bongo. Following this ritual dousing, the neophyte will receive their own copy of Amazonia’s sacred text. This tome is sheathed in one hundred layers of interlaced sacred wrappings, sometimes known as “The Gordian Package”. The neophyte progresses to full acolyte level when they finally open it. There is a (possibly apocryphal) tale that Alexander the Great attempted to join the cult of Amazonia. Impatient to progress within the hierarchy of the faith, he immediately attacked his Gordian parcel with his legendary yellow sword “Stanley”, scoring a deep gouge into the codex inside. This caused great anger and upset amongst the senior priests, but in the end, no one was brave enough to tell Alexander that it didn’t count.

At the conclusion of their lives, worthy Amazonians are honoured by having their bodies subjected to an unusual form of mummification. The aim being that they will be safely delivered into the afterlife. After being carefully prepared and embalmed, the deceased is enshrouded in layer after layer of thin PVC film bandages and then heated with a hair dryer. The orders of service for Amazonian funerals are always printed on perforated card, allowing mourners to shed a tear across the dotted line.

Amazonia was suggested by Kieron Philips.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.