Pumpkin – Idol Scribblings

Tantrump is the god of people who petulantly wail, “That’s not fair! I want a do-over!” whenever they don’t win. He is a deity of denial that Ancient Egypt wants nothing to do with. Tantrump was born the son of the Juan Perscent, God of Obscene Wealth, and Privilegina the Goddess of Entitlement. Despite his august parentage, after the age of 13 Tantrump was raised by schools. That is so much worse than being raised by wolves (at least wolves have been known to show affection). As an adult god he turned a strange shade of orange when he became the first painted idol to use creosote. It is thought that this came about because he wanted to emulate Croesus, but badly misread the name. Tantrump resides in a towering celestial Palace made entirely and tastelessly of gold. (If you think that sounds nice, stop for a moment to imagine how cold his toilet seat is.) It is situated in the centre of a large golf course, encircled by a huge wall. Who payed for the wall? Everyone paid for the wall… …to keep him in.

Tantrump’s priests and priestesses are all said to be descendants of the God, fathered on an unfortunate succession of mortal supermodels, known as the “Mama Lagos”. The high priest is always the eldest of the god’s children and is known by the title “Junior”. They don’t sing any hymns in this religion, because nothing rhymes with orange.

The festival of Tantrump officially begins on the 3rd of November with a vote to select a new chief of the Gods. The following four days are known as the Schrödinger’s President’s Days. When Tamtrump is in a metaphysical state of being both victorious and not victorious, and remains a quantum uncertainty until all the ballot boxes are opened. On the first two days Tantrump’s worshippers will claim success and celebrate before the race is fully run, whilst the rest of the world sits nervously wearing out their F5 key. On the third day, when things are no longer going their way, worshippers of Tantrump will start crying foul without any evidence of untoward shenanigans. On this day the priests will conduct a ritual to summon the asymmetrically blonde bobbed abyssal beast known as “The Karenken”. The Karenken, once summoned, demands to speak to the poll managers, the Supreme Court, and failing that screams into the void of social media. It can be recognised by its distinctive cry of “Stop the Count” and its vicious attacks on Usps the messenger of the gods.

Finally, on the fourth day, news of Tantrump’s defeat arrives. At first he refuses to accept the result, but not even Four Seasons Total Landscaping can fix this landslide. At the climax of the festival, Tantrump’s head explodes in an apoplexy of hubris and bile. This makes America gay again and the people of the wider world rejoice with them. Redefining the term a “Grand Old Party”. Together they see off the shell of the defeated deity with cheerful cries of “Bi den!” The last rite of the festival takes place two years later, when Nevada finally delivers its results. This delay is thought to be due to the “What happens in Vegas” effect. Officially the festival is meant to take place every four years, but right now everyone feels a bit like that would be a bit too soon to go through all this again.

Thank you to Gareth Wilden for suggesting Tantrump.

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Gourdius was thought to have originally been a deeply unpopular mortal tyrant. Myths tell us that he had a very high opinion of himself and was something of a big-head. Upon his death he was “accidentally” embalmed with Sunny Delight, which brought about his apocolocyntosis. Despite having been an unpopular human and ruler, Gourdius somehow became a very popular deity. At the peak of his prominence, millions of people around the world followed the Lord Gourd Almighty.

Temples of Gourdius are often located in the seedy part of their town. A new temple is made every year on the site. First the priests will plant the seeds of the sacred cultivar Cucurbita ingenti. This plant will be carefully tended until it has grown to its impressive full size. The flesh of the fruit will then be hollowed out and the remaining rind is consecrated (hallowed out). Typically the doors and windows will be carved out in such a way that, when the temple is illuminated inside with candles on a dark night, when viewed from the outside it has the appearance of Gourdius’ face. The removed flesh is not wasted. It has its diameter divided by its circumference to make Pumpkin Pi for the inaugural festivities. If they have a poor year for rain, the resultant temple may be quite small. It will still be used until a new one can be grown next year. Even though it may be a bit of a squash. The congregation can usually contort themselves to fit in, as they all practice pie-lates.

The Priests rarely leave the temple and will spend much of their time in meditative skulking in its darker corners. Their motto is, “If you’ve got it, haunt it”. Do be careful to mind your language at the temple and generally around his followers. Exclaiming “Gourdon Bennet!”, even in a moment of great pain, is considered to be a terrible blasphemy. You are likely to be arrested, given a summary trial in their Squash Court, and turned into a fairy-tale carriage at midnight if found guilty. The current High Priest is Benedict Cucumberpatch VI. He was chosen for office because of his extreme pie-ty.

Every year, Gourdius’ main festival is held at the end of October. This festival celebrates Gourdius’ aspect of annual death and rebirth. The key ethos of the festival is to enjoy life while you have it. During these days his followers will eat, drink and be scary. It is also customary for them to “Trick or treat yo’ self” at this time.

The second coming of Gourdius has been predicted many times, but he has never materialised. His Prophets have now come to the conclusion that The Great Pumpkin is just fashionably latte.

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Tag: Pumpkin

Tantrump – God of Sore Losers

Gourdius – God of Pumpkins