Nacreosa is the goddess for people who turn the tiny motes of irritation in their lives into a load of shiny balls. Her worshippers tend to be people who have so few problems in their lives that they have to go looking for things to be offended by, often over their neighbour’s fence with a pair of binoculars. She appears in several mythologies around the world, most notably in the Ancient Norse pantheon as the goddess Prigg.
Nacreosa does not have a corporeal body in the normal sense, with buttocks, thighs or breasts. Her anatomy is composed entirely of Ha-Haas, Ta-Taas, Ya-Yaas and Fou-Foos. She refuses to have anything to do with any of the other Gods and Goddesses, because she has seen the kind of things they get up to. Her one association is with her consort Anprogynist, the God of Misogynistic Prudery, whoes followers believe it’s fine to do or say anything, no matter how offensive, as long as, “There are no ladies present.”
When someone joins the church of Nacreosa they must first train for years to develop a perpetually astonished and horrified countenance. This involves rigorous drills such as eyebrow weightlifting and arduous lip puckering exercises (used to develop the perfect “cats bum mouth”). During their training, the neophyte will have already been wearing their knickers with at least two twists in them. Once they are ready to be inducted, they can finally don the knitted twin set and ceremonial pearls of a full acolyte*. At the initiation ceremony the leading priestess will present them with a penny, which they must grip tightly between their knees for the rest of their natural existence (which explains their distinctive gait). Thus begins a lifetime of service attempting to uphold standards, whether folks want them held up or not. The priesthood of Nacreosa also have a mission to police peoples’ reactions to newsworthy events. Demanding that the appropriate level of mandatory mournfulness or merriment is displayed by everyone, with cattle prods if necessary.
The Temple of Nacreosa is an imposing structure of shining, pearlescent marble known as “The Mary Whitehouse” which sits atop the tallest peak of the Moral Highlands. The temple precinct is encircled by a white picket fence, because there is no better defence against moral turpitude than a white picket fence. Rising from the roof is an array of flagpoles, from which a variety of colour coded pennants are flown to signal the virtue of the occupants. Inside, the main hall you will find a large altar which is elegantly draped with a floor length cloth to decently cover the legs it stands on. Here you will also find the temple’s sacred flame, which is kept well fuelled by burning erotic publications, sex toys and liberal media. All the temple windows are dressed with gossamer like curtains. A priest or priestess stands on duty by each window, ritualistically twitching the net curtains every thirty seconds. The temple also houses a scriptorium where thousands of strongly worded letters of complaint are penned daily. As one leaves the temple, you will see a large sign above the exit which reads, “PARENTAL ADVISORY—Explicit Content Beyond This Point”.
The weekly Rite of Nacreosa begins when the Sunday newspapers drop through the temple letterbox. At this cue the worshippers will read the headlines, drop their toast and Marmite and splurt out their mouthful of tea. Then they form a circle, clutch their ceremonial pearls and loudly denounce whichever alternative lifestyle, colour-blind casting decision or leftie popular trend has upset them this time. When they cannot find a genuine justification for their own sense of outrage, they will transfer the perceived offence to any group of people not able to speak for themselves, such as “the children”, a practice known as “Cogita Filios”. The ritual ends with the congregation chorusing the mantra, “Disgusted! Tunbridge Wells”.
The beautiful irony is, that although followers of Nacreosa like to be perceived as pure and virtuous, a true innocent would never take offence like they do. After all, one has to have a dirty enough mind to get a joke before one can be offended by it.
*If they ever found out what “pearl necklace” is actually a euphemism for, they would probably faint.
Thanks to Janet Hudson for suggesting Nacreosa.
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