Banksia – Goddess of Modern Art

July 20, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

The Goddess Banksia was created when the Green Fairy of the Bohemian Revolution was splattered against the windscreen of Jackson Pollock’s speeding car. Banksia watches over all Modern, Contemporary and Conceptual Art and Artists. If you have to ask whether or not it is art, then it falls under the province of Banksia.

No one, in fact, really knows what Banksia looks like. Artists that have glimpsed her running through the corners of their drug induced nightmares have tried to record their impressions, but the results are very varied. Banksia is only the name we know her by. Her true name is a sacred secret held only by the High Priest. Unlike other gods (which you may be encouraged to “find”), NO ONE WANTS YOU TO FIND BANKSIA. The mystery will always be more enigmatic than the answer.

The first time you see a temple of Banksia the radical, conceptual,
brutalist architecture of the exterior may make you wonder whether the building is a ground-breaking work of art or just still under construction. Above the main entrance the letters W.T.F. are carved into the stonework. The rooms inside the temple are mostly either light, airy galleries or studios. The galleries are the only areas where the general public are allowed. (The Avant Security Guards control access.) They are painted in 38 different shades of white and are almost bare but for the sacred works displayed and the occasional pew. By contrast the studios are cluttered rats nests that “are exactly the way we like it so don’t you dare touch a thing”.

Each temple of Banksia also has a room where devotees can go for comfort when they are drowning in depressive thoughts that their art is contrived, unoriginal and valueless. This is called the Negative Space. There is also a tea room. By day this may seem a pleasant and innocent place, somewhere to sit and cogitate on creativity, but dark rumours circulate about Banksia’s tea rooms. By night they are said to be used to carry out a horrendous torture on transgressors of the faith. The victim is said to be cruelly force fed scones. They are made to munch until they scream.

The final room you might visit in the temple is the smallest one. A post-modernist bathroom installation known as the Po-Mo (by R. Mutt). Whatever you do, do not actually use it. It’s not plumbed in and it has a price tag which means it will be the most expensive penny you ever spend. If you are a neophyte artist, as you leave the temple, feel free to help yourself from the box of goodwill donated art materials. These were originally given to the higher echelons priesthood as gifts by well-meaning friends who didn’t realise that they would have been happier with a donation of half a pint of menstrual blood and a cup of population paste to paint with.

The Priesthood of Banksia are seen by outsiders as somewhat… …well let’s use the kind term “eccentric”. They have either come to the faith at a young age and been driven mad by the relentless pursuit of artistic perfection, or they were a bit nutty to begin with and were advised to join the faith as a form of therapy. They proudly wear their official robes of office, which look like paint streaked old shirts. They always have unruly manes of hair, for of the hundred or so brushes that each priest owns, not one of them is a hairbrush. (Or a sweeping brush.) When one stands within about 50 meters of a priest of Banksia, one can detect their distinctive perfume, a blend of linseed oil and turpentine. The current High Priest in residence is Mr Art Majors.

Because an artist’s work tends to increase in value after the artists death. The thing a Banksian dreads most is seeing their doctor coming into the temple gallery and buying all of their paintings. When the mortal coil finally ends, the church of Banskia offers unconventional funerary services, open to all who wish to achieve a kind of aesthetic immortality. Their firm of funeral directors Van Hagens & Hirst are amazingly popular. You can be your own beautiful memento mori! If you attend a Banksian funeral, it is important to show the proper respect for the deceased by speaking in dead pantones.

The church of Banksia is not typically a wealthy one. The principal revenue raiser is the sale of Modern and Conceptual Artworks produced by the clergy. A very few of the higher clergy can demand exorbitantly high prices for their work. It is just as well, as they are needed to subsidise the rest of the clergy. Who, when they do sell a piece, usually make less profit than the person who framed it. The Monochromist sect are the only acolytes to actually generate a reliable, regular income for the faith. As a side-line they make those paint colour cards you can pick up at the DIY warehouse. They also sometimes name new colour shades using the rejected working titles for their own artwork. This is why there is a shade of bluish green non drip gloss called Poseidon’s Vomit. If any surplus income remains after the maintenance of the temple and the clergy, then it is invested in public arts. Their next planned project is the building of a giant steel protractor at the side of the A1 near Gateshead (working title “The Angle of the North”). Following this there is a plan to build an enormous statue of the Hamburglar overlooking the M1 near Sheffield (working title “The Man of Steal”).

Should you decide to visit a temple of Banksia for a little enlightenment one rainy Sunday afternoon, be very careful what you say whilst inside. If anyone is heard to utter the blasphemous words “Huh! I could have done that.” in her temple, one of the priests will thwack them around the head with a large, heavy marble tablet inscribed with the words “Yeah. But you didn’t!”

A note:
There are references to 15 Modern and Contemporary artists / art works in this picture. Have fun finding
them all. If you get stuck, I will do a little post with the answers next weekend.

Thank you to James R Turner (@JRTwrites) for suggesting Banksia.

Idol Scribblings Volume Two
Coming out 30th November 2020

Even more deities for every eventuality with a foreword by Gary Brannan of the Technical Difficulties ( TechDiff.co.uk )
Pre order before November 14th 2020 for a special early-bird discount and to get your name included in the book as a patron.

Pre order here https://idolscribblings.blog/the-book

Idol Scribblings Volume One

A collection of 52 deities, ancient and modern, for all occations from Idol Scribblings. Produced in 2019-2020.

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https://idolscribblings.blog/the-book/

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Thank you for reading. If you have enjoyed this deity, please feel free to share it with your friends. New deities are published weekly. You can get alerted to new deities via Facebook through the Idol Scribbling Page or on Twitter by following @IdolScribblings . Catch up on the Pantheon so far here.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Eureka – Goddess of Inspiration

July 13, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Just because she spends all her time in an overflowing bath and has a bubbly personality, do not make the mistake of assuming that she’s a flake!

Where are our minds most open to ideas and original thoughts? Where do we most often find the answers to life’s problems? Where are our ears opened to their widest to the background whispering of the universe? Why! In the bath of course. Eureka is the patron of artists, writers and philosophers as well as those who need a good scrub up.

“Heureka” was originally a human female who lived deep in the mists of pre-history. She had a penchant for bathing in natural hot springs to ease the aches of her body. However, the nearest natural hot springs were a full day’s travel from her settlement. During one visit, whilst sat in the soothing sulphurous waters, she thought “I wonder if I could build something like this at home?” This was the first ablution based inspiration to occur to any of humankind. On her return she set to work, and a hut, a hypocaust and a hydrotherapy pool later she had created the first bath. The popularity was immediate, and her tribe began to worship her after her death in gratitude.

Although, in later antiquity, she was not considered a major deity, we can still find historical examples of famous historical figures praising her name when they have a great idea. The most famous example of this is perhaps Archimedes. Whom, without her divine inspiration, would have been screwed. In fact, she was so synonymous with serendipity that her name actually came to mean “I found it!” in Ancient Greek. Sadly, Archimedes had a habit of dropping his aitches, and so she was constantly mispronounced thereafter. Gradually “Eureka” became the accepted modern form of her name.

Eureka’s sacred animal is the Rubber Duck. On being confirmed into the faith, each neophyte will receive their own Rubber Duck. This duck will be their cherished lifetime meditation companion. Whilst they contemplate the cosmos from their steaming bath, they will discuss the ideas that come to them with their Rubber Duck. The arch enemies of Eureka, Clogg (a shapeless, hairy demon who lurks in the plug hole and is summoned by the washing of long hair and the spring shaving of legs) and Scum (son of Sodium and Lauryl Sulphate), try to give bathers bad ideas. Talking things through with the Rubber Duck acts as a kind of “bad ideas filter” and is known as Rubber Ducking.

Eureka’s temples are steam filled stews containing a complex of pools of warm, scented water. The baths are lined with the rare metallic alloy Umahia. This is made by mixing Umium (Um), the element of contemplation with Ahthatsitium (Ah) the element of inspiration. This is said to sanctify the waters they contain and give them the power to stimulate the mind. The temple constantly rings with voices of varying quality raised in songs of praise. Singing in the bath is actively encouraged. As is consuming wine, chocolate, and eating fibrous foods in order to create one’s own hot tub effect. One can tell the seniority and holiness of her followers by how wrinkly they are. Each temple keeps a large flock of fluffy owls from Yorkshire which waft their wings to dispel drops of water from the faithful when they arise from their bath. When you are wet t’owls will get you dry.

If you attend a service of prayer at the temple, be ready to join in with the traditional congregational chorus of “Yes it does, doesn’t it.” When the High Priestess says “Where’s the soap”. At the conclusion of the rite the High Priestess will bless each member of the congregation in turn with a little tap on the head.

The sacred texts of Eureka are a bibliophile’s nightmare. They are all wrinkly and have broken spines because they always being perused in the bath.

Once monotheistic religions began to take over, there were efforts by the Christian church to discredit Eureka by branding her the Floozy in the Jacuzzi, the Slag in the Spa, the Bint in the Bath and the Tart in the Tub. This had the effect of eventually sending the whole religion down the drain, and for centauries mankind went unwashed and uninspired. Many temples were looted, with the thieves making a clean get away. Fortunately Eureka has gained a resurgence in more enlightened and sanitary modern times.

The largest and principle surviving Temple of Eureka is (perhaps unsurprisingly) in Bath in the United Kingdom. This temple houses a shop where one can purchase a plethora of sanctified bath products, heavily scented with aromas said to open the mind. Even if you have never visited the temple, you have probably smelt it. The waft of patchouli is said to be detectable from the Chippenham Services on the M4. The name of this emporium is “Gert Lush”. Here, one can even purchase water from High Priestess Delphine’s private bath. This is considered so holy that devotees will actually pay thirty quid a pop for a small bottle of the stuff.

Thank you to Kieron Philips for suggesting Eureka.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

From the Idol Scribbler – The Strangefish Project

July 7, 2019 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Hello Idollers everywhere! Today I am here to tell you about one of my other art projects. Before I start, however, a quick PSA about Idol Scribblings.

From this week onward Idol Scribblings will be posting new deities weekly. I am aiming for these to be posted on Sundays. I have now almost caught up on sharing the earlier cartoons. I have a few in reserve so I can have the odd week off if needed.

The Strangefish Project

Over the last six weeks I have been working on another project for the superb Prog Rock Band Strangefish. They are celebrating 30 years together as a band this year, and I have been a fan for about 18 of those. Even more so since Kris (my sparring partner) joined them on bass guitar last year. Their music innovative, intricate and whimsical, and is that rare and beautiful combination of both cleverly complex, yet thoroughly pleasurable. They are also one of the most entertaining bands I have ever seen live. Every show has immense energy and lots of silly shenanigans. You can find out more about them here https://strangefish.band .

This project started as a silly caricature of one of the band members, and developed into a set of six portraits to celebrate their anniversary. It was great fun unlocking each band member’s inner strange fish. They are drawn using pointillism technique, and each one took about 15 hours to produce. That is considerably longer than I can afford to take on my deity cartoons.

There are a limited number of sets of 6, 6×4 prints of these pictures for sale. They will be going on the band’s merchandise page shortly.

I hope you enjoy the pictures and also discovering the music of Strangefish. If you are in a band or other creative project, and would like to commission some artwork from the Idol Scribbler, please drop me a message via the contact page .

Dave Whittaker – Drums

The Rocktopus’ eight prehensile limbs and unnatural rhythm make them ideal Prog Rock drummers and it’s three hearts make it quite bold (or in some cases, bald). It warms up using four of it’s eight arms and uses suction cups to hold onto sticks. If the stage is perfectly level, they will squirt ink from both sides of their mouth. Although they are of a naturally cheery disposition, don’t pick a fight with a Rocktopus. They are always well armed and will give you a good vibraslapping.

Joanne Whittaker – Vocals

Found in the waters off the west coast of the UK, this species of chelonian is so famed for it’s singing performances that its other common name is, “The Turn Turtle”. It lives on a diet of tropical cocktails. When not singing they have been observed schooling large groups of young fish.

Bob – Guitars

The most mysterious of all sea creatures, the Jellybob says little but expresses much through their guitar playing. In their natural habitat they have to patiently endure constant harassment from exuberant singing cuttlefish. Although mildly venomous, the Jellybob will only sting when it fancies having a good laugh watching someone try to wee on themselves.

Paul O’Neil – Keyboards

The male Keyhorse has a very small territory, about half a square metre. This is very useful when venues are small or other musicians want more stage. They are able to use their tail to hang on to things when faced with strong ocean currents or nutty singers. They can change colour almost instantly, during courtship or after playing a bum note.

Steve Taylor – Vocals

Scuttlefish are sometimes known as the chameleons of the sea due to their ability to rapidly alter the colour and pattern of their skin or, in this particular species, the colour and pattern of their shirt!

Kris Hudson-Lee – Bass

The Kristacean is a Rock Lobster, found off the shallows of the North East coast of England. It’s can often be found playing the Sea Bass. It’s never seen a Tuna though.

From the Idol Scribbler – Meet the Hive Mind

July 7, 2019 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Carrie-May Mealor

I first met Carrie-May in a muddy field some time in the later half of the fifteenth century. Well, not really, but we were doing a jolly good job of pretending. She is a woman of many passions and varied skills. She can serenade you on the cello, calligraphy a beautiful passive aggressive note to your neighbour, excavate the remains of your ancestors, massage your head or shoot you down like a mangy dog with a longbow with equal finesse. She is also a superb artist, you can check out her creative work at Closer to the Hedge.

Carrie-May suggested Senna – Goddess of Regular Occurrences and Wantoo – God of Sound Engineers.

If you were a deity, what would you be the god of?
God of Multiple Interests, Unfinished Projects and the Easily Distracted

What should your worshippers leave as an offering on your altar?
My worshippers should leave me half finished drawings and unused craft supplies. They might also play hymns on musical instruments they are not very good at.

What would your sacred animal be?
My sacred animal would be a magpie (make of that what you will!)

I challenge you to a duel! Choose your weapon!
My weapon of choice is a blunt craft knife and a badly played cello for ranged attacks.

Eric – God of Pub Games

July 7, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Eric, the God of Pub Games is an extremely Ancient Deity. He is known to predate the founding of the Olympic Games in 776 BCE. He was the patron deity of the earlier and now forgotten Olympub Games. The date that the Olympub games were founded is now lost to antiquity, but they may have begun the first time the Mesopotamians gathered and competed to throw a loop of string over a stick whilst consuming dangerous quantities of proto-ale. The religion spread rapidly, and the first temple to Eric was built as a simple circle of tall, dark, rectangular standing stones, each bearing a pattern of white dots, stood on their ends. This design was soon copied many times across the ancient world in what seems to have been a kind of domino effect.

The worship of Eric centres around developing the mind, body and character through the playing of social games of skill and chance. These are also believed to bond communities, families and friends together through communal worship. Some detractors say that the religion of Eric is a load of Bulls Hit, but his faithful will tell you he’s okey.

Eric’s modern places of worship are less like Temples and more like Saloons. The interior décor of the temple trends heavily towards dark green leather, baize and wood panelling. It is divided into 9 different chapels, each dedicated to one of the 9 Sacred Sports; darts, pool, billiards, poker, cribbage, skittles, dice, ring toss and shove ha’penny. His temples often have quirky colloquial names such as “The Ham and Cheese”, “The Shuffle and Board” and “The Curly Cue”. Outside the main structure is an over spill marquee for special festivals. It is in the shape of two large adjoined circus tents. This structure is known as the “double top”. Every temple also has a small crowd of bored children sat outside on some broken swings. Each one forlornly clutches a bottle of Vimto with a straw and a bag of crisps.

The Chapel of Darts is great, smashing and super. However, it can be a risky place to enter. Some people see the flying projectiles inside and immediately do a 180 and leave. Competitions are held here and even if you are not successful in these, they will still give you a chance to look at what you could have won. If you do succeed… …well bully for you! Those worshippers who are “Knowers” rather than “Throwers” come to try and overcome their “Projectile Dysfunction” through therapy and prayer. Treatments at the temple can be expensive, so most only resort to it when they are in the throws of despair. The Chapel of Darts also contains a confessional where one can gain spiritual solace and atonement by divulging ones darty secrets. If you are travelling to visit the Chapel of Darts, it is best to avoid cheap flights. Don’t worry about your return journey, as you will always, at least, leave with your bus fare home… …or a speed boat. Which will be handy for making your way back to Wolverhapton.

The Chapel of Pool is perhaps the tensest place in the temple. Here worshippers stare one another out to see who will break first. The corridor to the chapel has a lengthy line of 50p’s laid along it’s length. Anyone arriving and arbitrarily deciding that “winner stays on” will be forced to eat a hundred cubes of blue chalk. The Chapel of Pool is particularly popular with younger members of the faith. They often study there in hopes of being professional pool players when they grow up. Until they realise they can’t have it both ways. Worshippers are welcome to stay all day, but are asked to pop outside if they need to pot a brown or get the urge to sink the pink.

The Priests and Priestesses of Eric organise and arbitrate all the games within the temple. They each have 4 suits of vestments, two red and two black, which each have their own symbolism. The High Priestess is renowned for her stern and unemotional visage. However much you are tempted, you are advised not to poke her face to see if it’s real.

Thank you to Adam Broadhurst for suggesting Eric.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Thaw – God of Broken Freezers

July 3, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Wherever the constant background hum falls silent, Thaw is there. A visitation from Thaw can end up costing you a lot of lolly.

Thaw’s association with broken appliances probably derives from his tendency to try and mend things with his “mighty hammer”. In mythology, Scampi (the God of Seafood and Mischief) grew fed up with Thaw’s percussion engineering and not having any ice for his mead. Also, he “Had a whole box of Magnums in there man!”. Enraged, Scampi forced a Crown of Prawns onto Thaw’s head.

Thaw’s temples are usually simple white box-like buildings which have a distressing smell and a large puddle of water outside the front door. Many are upright structures with a single, large front door. Some are low, long and squat and accessed via an opening roof. In the USA the temples have a distinct “double front door” style.

His priests are known for being a bit “snowflake”, in that they will frequently break down and lose their cool. Despite this, they usually maintain themselves in good physical condition. The Elder Priest is said to have the body of an 18 year old, or at least he did until his freezer broke. Nonetheless, they are a close knit college, and should you join them, you will make lots of cool friends.

The great annual festival of Thaw is called “Deliquesce” and it takes place on the day after the first eight hour long power cut of the year. Thawians will cook and eat every scrap of food in their stores in a frenzy “before it goes off”, (including that tub of mystery brown liquid and chunks that was probably a homemade soup once upon a time) and a great feast is shared. At Deliquesce Thawian parents will traditionally give their children gifts of brand new fridges. Many parents will sentimentally enjoy watching the little ones’ faces light up as they open them.

Many people have found enlightenment through the way of Thaw. The words “I was blind, but now icy.” are often repeated in his sacred texts and anthems. It is forbidden by Thaw to take a slice of lemon in your drink. When offered ice and lemon at a pub, a Thawian will cry for just ice.

When a Thawian passes away they will be given a traditional funeral by their family. For these events, professional mourners are always hired, known as the “Cry O’re Genics”. Then the deceased is frozen and interred in a sub-zero crypt. A Thawian crypt can be identified as the words “Icy Dead People” are always carved over the entrance.

People also pray to Thaw when the icebox is taking too frigging long to defrost.

Thank you to Janet Hudson for suggesting Thaw.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Arthur Thought – The Holy Spirit of the Staircase

June 30, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Arthur Thought, the holy spirit of the staircase, is the god of perfect ripostes that you think of approximately 5 minutes too late. He was the youngest of the seven offspring of Catatonica – The Celtic Goddess of Speechlessness. He was born a full century after his youngest sibling.

The temples of Arthur Thought always take the form of a small original building which has been extended multiple times with a complex of additional lean-tos. It seems that as soon as one extension is finished, they find that their numbers of followers have grown, so that they need to start planning yet another. This gives his temples a very distinctive, slightly drunken, look.

Being a god of staircases, there are a plethora of them installed in his temples. None of these staircases actually go anywhere, but are beautifully designed and decorated as meditation spaces. They are known as the “Flights of Fancy”. If you tour the temple you will see the acolytes, each sat on their own step, deep in contemplation about what they would’ve, could’ve, should’ve said. Practising “Thoughtians” will also sit of the Flights of Fancy to plan what they will say in upcoming potentially difficult social encounters. To the outside observer, this may seem like a fruitless endeavour, as these meetings will almost never play out as one imagines.

Should you attend a ritual at the temple, you may find the homily or sermon from the priest or priestess a little unusual. At this point of the rite the presiding member of the clergy will stand before the massed, expectant faithful and make silent gaping fish motions with their mouth for a few minutes. Then they will make a high pitched whine and run from the altar, in tears, with their robes over their head. Don’t worry, this is a traditional part of the proceedings, and their fellow priests are standing by to stop them from burying themselves under a rock. The Thoughtian priesthood are renowned for practicing a rare form of martial art where one beats oneself up. This is said to so confuse and terrify one’s attacker that they end up leaving you alone. The High Priest or Priestess is the one who can descend the fewest steps before thinking of a cutting come back when insulted at the top of the stairs (and are therefore literally the highest of the clergy).

The church of Arthur Thought publishes a popular almanac which retro-predicts what you should have said last year. It also reports barely believable, miraculous cases where “La mot juste” came to someone at exactly the right time, against all the odds. If you visit the home of a devout follower, you will find they have several editions of “The Thoughtian Times” on their bookshelves. They will also often be found listening to the excellent album by the gothic band “The Way of All Flesh” called “Espirit d’Escallier”, which they consider to be a sacred musical work.

Arthur Thought has many equivalent avatars in different cultures around the world. Known as Æfterwitt to the Saxons, Treppenwitz to the ancient Germanic tribes, Retractus to the Ancient Romans and Metametis to the Ancient Greeks. Which only goes to show that the phenomenon he embodies is universal to the human condition.

I am sure that I will recall loads more hilarious facts about this deity approximately five minutes after I have sent this to press.

Thank you to a new Hive Mind member, Alan Boyce, for suggesting Arthur Thought. Welcome to the club!

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Butterman – God of Super Heros

June 25, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Butterman is not the first hero, but he does have a strong claim to be the first superhero. We know of his exploits from original Roman frescoes, mosaics and murals. Unusually for the period, the stories are told over several sequential pictures and are captioned with little Latin inscriptions in speech bubbles.

Like most Superheros, Butterman has something unusual in his genetic make-up. His beautiful mortal mother Lactea was seduced by both Jupiter and his cup bearer Catamitus at the same time in a mythic menage a trois. Unlike Danae’s experience of being impregnated by a golden shower, this was more like two Olymians, one churn. Lactea raised her son to be as normal as possible, but this was not to be. His demi divine parentage meant he excelled in the mortal world. By his late twenties he had become a distinguished Roman General and Statesman. After a highly successful campaign he was féted as the cream of Rome with a triumphal procession.

As tradition dictated, throughout the parade an Auriga slave stood by his ear repeatedly whispering, “Remeber you are but a man” for the whole day. (They do this to stop the celebrated person from milking it too much). Now he romes Rome by night fighting crime and injustice as “Butterman!”.

Needing to conceal his true identity, he developed the first incognito super hero costume. Wearing his subligaculum* over his tunic may not have been the best “look”, but it certainly started something. After a few years as a solo crime fighter, he was recruited a mysterious side kick known only as Ghee-Whiz who was said to be from a land far to the east. Together they destroy those who’s actions are beyond the pail and rewards the virtuous with a little pat on the head.

Unlike later superheroes, Butterman could not fly. However, he had the ability to slide through the streets of Rome at high speed on his buttered sandals. In times of dire need the Vigiles could summon Butterman by lighting the beacon which projects the “Butt Signal” into the night sky. On busy nights he could end up spread very thin.

Butterman has averted wide scale disaster on many occasions. When Hannibal and his herd of elephants came over the alps he helped save thousands of Romans from drowning. His super arch enemy is a snack chariot driving demon called Marge.

Even in his own mortal lifetime, Butterman inspired copy-cat have-a-go heroes. One went as far as to have the temerity to pretend to be Butterman himself. He made a poor show of it though, and the plebians sarcastically nicknamed him “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butterman”. In the end this obsessed wretch was arrested for Storking.

The only people who knew his true identity were his wife Flora and Alfredus the Butterler (who maintains the Butt Cave). He was also said to have been romantically linked to the notorious courtesan Kerry Gold. Much as he loves the city of Rome, he secretly prefers the country life, and likes to get away now and again to roll in clover.

Having two fathers, Butterman is worshipped by many same sex couples. Those embarking on the journey to become parents will often make sacrifices of dairy products at the temple together. In fact he is so popular with the LGBTQ+ community that each of his temples has a little Pride themed charity gift shop called “Momento Homo”.

Temples of Butterman have impressive frontages with elegant columns shaped like milk churns. The windows of the temple are made of paper rubbed with grease until they became transparent.

Priest and Priestesses of Butterman alwsys carry a symbolic replica of Butterman’s weapon “The Butter Knife” to represent defending the vulnerable. For special occasions a full size reproduction is worn. For more convenient everyday wear, they can opt for the smaller, retractable “Stan Lee Knife”. The High Priestess is known as the Shea-Rah. The motto of the priesthood is, “Look after one an udder.”

Oh, and if you were wondering how Butterman achieved full immortality. Before a mighty battle of the Gods, he applied butter to Jupiter’s thunderbolts for him. Thus inventing the much faster and deadlier “greased lightning”. In recognition of this great deed, he was granted apotheosis and ascended to Olympus. Butterman was no longer but a man.

*That’s a loincloth to you.

Thank you to Dave Redford and Nicky Bailey for your help with Butterman.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

RaRaRa – God of Cheerleaders

June 19, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Need a little motivation to get you through Hump Day? Then Ra Ra Ra could be the deity for you. He’s the God that’s always cheering you on to be your best.

The Temple of RaRaRa is built around the blessed “Hand Spring” and close to the summer salt mines. The compound is planted with an impressive orchard of a unique variety of apple tree. These grow an unusual “double apple” fruit known as Pomme-Pommes. The temple building has four wings with a rectangular central courtyard, known as the Squadwrangle, where larger scale worship takes place. Its roof is adorned with many decorative aerials.

His temples have (possibly) the most entertaining services, which always follow a strict routine. The priesthood will guide you in waving your offerings of sacred pomme-pomme fruits in the air and lead you in a rousing chorus of “Give Him an Ankh!” Conducting the worship is arduous for the clergy. So, before they commence they will traditionally drink some root beer to get them rootin’. At the most hallowed part of the ritual, worshippers will share the Holy Hot Dog and all partake of a sip of soda from the JumboMegaCup. After a short break, a guest speaker will usually deliver a half time show sermon. This sermon will often be a subject of furious online debate amongst the worshippers,. Afterwards, as you leave, be sure to pick up a souvenir from the “Tuck Shop”.

There is a large seminary college where postulates are trained for religious service. The first thing they learn is that cheering is a serious athletic endeavour. They must be prepared to exceed those they support in gymnastic prowess. They are also taught to expect and forbear low wages and a general lack of respect. Students are kept company by a friendly ghost who inhabits the building, known affectionately as “The School Spirit”. The college uniform colour is yeller.

The church of RaRaRa rarely involves itself in politics. When they have ventured into the hustings, their candidates have been known to flip flop.

Members of this faith will often save all their lives to be interred in the largest human pyramid possible after death. Followers will often involve themselves in the study of astronomy throughout life. They believe that after death, the journey to the afterlife takes us to become one with the heavens and it is best to know the route in advance. They believe that potentially we are All-Stars.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Octopussy – God of Nuclear Power

June 15, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

The original atomic kitten, Octopussy was created when Schroedinger and Einstein were watching their figures, declared that they couldn’t possibly eat a whole atom each, and decided to split one. Using the get-out claws on the ends of each of its eight limbs, Octopussy fought its way painfully out of Schroedinger’s box (settling that thought experiment once and for all). The tentacle tailed feline of nightmares set forth to shower it’s radiance upon the world. A relatively modern god, dating only from the last century, the genesis of Octopussy is already used to mark the start of a new age. Members of the faith will refer to the time before as “Before Octopussy” or “B.O.” as it was also before the invention of Right Guard.

The clergy of Octopussy are divided into the ranks of Alpha, Beta and Gamma. Gamma priests are those who have penetrated furthest into the ranks of the church and are allowed into the most hallowed parts of the temple. The most sacred of these is the dungeon where the Holy Higgs Bosons are kept. They are absolutely essential to the faith and they cannot have a mass without them. They are carefully guarded by the Dungeoness who watches over them.

As can often be the case in faiths around the world, there is always a danger that the movement may run away with itself. Therefore the faith is governed as a Diocracy, with two leaders to balance one another. One has a duty to drive the word of Octopussy forward and is known as the “Fuel”. The other serves to consider and check progress to a reasonable rate of change and is known as the “Control”. Both the current incumbents of the role are called Rodney. The current Control, Rod, is a usually a very absorbing gentleman, but he can tend to boron sometimes.

The outer temple complex is vast and houses several businesses run by the clergy. You can dine in their highly successful restaurant where they serve fusion foods drawing on the cuisines of all the countries of the world where there are followers of Octopussy. They always receive glowing reviews and are particularly famed for their fission chips. (Sadly the “Cold Fusion Foods” buffet is no longer available. Some say it never was and is but a myth.) One can also stop for a pint in the “Duck and Cover” an olde style English pub. They serve beers from their own microbrewery which include their famous heavy “Water”. Whilst they have grown recently, in the past these revenue raisers were not always enough to fund the temple upkeep. Originally the complex was surrounded by miles of farm land that they held. This has now dwindled to a few acres, as every time they hit at tight patch they been forced to sell a field.

The holy texts of Octopussy are comprised of several separate books by different prophets. Whilst the book of Deuterium is said to be heavy going, I have heard that the Book of Protium is un-put-down-able.

If you should meet a follower of Octopussy at a party, don’t be surprised if they overheat and have a bit of a meltdown on the dance floor if Diana Ross’s Chain Reaction comes on. They can be a little unstable at their core.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.