dice – Idol Scribblings

Eric, the God of Pub Games is an extremely Ancient Deity. He is known to predate the founding of the Olympic Games in 776 BCE. He was the patron deity of the earlier and now forgotten Olympub Games. The date that the Olympub games were founded is now lost to antiquity, but they may have begun the first time the Mesopotamians gathered and competed to throw a loop of string over a stick whilst consuming dangerous quantities of proto-ale. The religion spread rapidly, and the first temple to Eric was built as a simple circle of tall, dark, rectangular standing stones, each bearing a pattern of white dots, stood on their ends. This design was soon copied many times across the ancient world in what seems to have been a kind of domino effect.

The worship of Eric centres around developing the mind, body and character through the playing of social games of skill and chance. These are also believed to bond communities, families and friends together through communal worship. Some detractors say that the religion of Eric is a load of Bulls Hit, but his faithful will tell you he’s okey.

Eric’s modern places of worship are less like Temples and more like Saloons. The interior décor of the temple trends heavily towards dark green leather, baize and wood panelling. It is divided into 9 different chapels, each dedicated to one of the 9 Sacred Sports; darts, pool, billiards, poker, cribbage, skittles, dice, ring toss and shove ha’penny. His temples often have quirky colloquial names such as “The Ham and Cheese”, “The Shuffle and Board” and “The Curly Cue”. Outside the main structure is an over spill marquee for special festivals. It is in the shape of two large adjoined circus tents. This structure is known as the “double top”. Every temple also has a small crowd of bored children sat outside on some broken swings. Each one forlornly clutches a bottle of Vimto with a straw and a bag of crisps.

The Chapel of Darts is great, smashing and super. However, it can be a risky place to enter. Some people see the flying projectiles inside and immediately do a 180 and leave. Competitions are held here and even if you are not successful in these, they will still give you a chance to look at what you could have won. If you do succeed… …well bully for you! Those worshippers who are “Knowers” rather than “Throwers” come to try and overcome their “Projectile Dysfunction” through therapy and prayer. Treatments at the temple can be expensive, so most only resort to it when they are in the throws of despair. The Chapel of Darts also contains a confessional where one can gain spiritual solace and atonement by divulging ones darty secrets. If you are travelling to visit the Chapel of Darts, it is best to avoid cheap flights. Don’t worry about your return journey, as you will always, at least, leave with your bus fare home… …or a speed boat. Which will be handy for making your way back to Wolverhapton.

The Chapel of Pool is perhaps the tensest place in the temple. Here worshippers stare one another out to see who will break first. The corridor to the chapel has a lengthy line of 50p’s laid along it’s length. Anyone arriving and arbitrarily deciding that “winner stays on” will be forced to eat a hundred cubes of blue chalk. The Chapel of Pool is particularly popular with younger members of the faith. They often study there in hopes of being professional pool players when they grow up. Until they realise they can’t have it both ways. Worshippers are welcome to stay all day, but are asked to pop outside if they need to pot a brown or get the urge to sink the pink.

The Priests and Priestesses of Eric organise and arbitrate all the games within the temple. They each have 4 suits of vestments, two red and two black, which each have their own symbolism. The High Priestess is renowned for her stern and unemotional visage. However much you are tempted, you are advised not to poke her face to see if it’s real.

Thank you to Adam Broadhurst for suggesting Eric.

Idol Scribblings Volume Two
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Yahtzee originated circa 1945 when the family caravan holiday began to grow in popularity. Picture the scene: you have driven 200 miles to spend a week living in a biscuit tin on wheels and peeing in a bucket. All because the surroundings are marginally prettier than the surroundings at home. However, said bucolic idyll is obscured from view by fog and you are made a prisoner by a maelstrom. In the mind-crushing desperation of boredom, you turn to the board games chest under the couch/bed. To your horror, you discover that Scrabble has no S’s, Monopoly only has £5 in the bank and Kerplunk has lost its marbles. But lo! Great joy! The divine salvation of Yahtzee came in answer to your prayers. From the depleted detritus of lesser games, five dice are salvaged and pen and paper found.

Following the way of Yahtzee is traditionally a summer vocation. The temples of Yahtzee are tin tabernacles on wheels of varying sizes, scented with the burning of the sacred Calor Gas stove and smouldering toast incense. The faithful tow their own temple for many miles with underpowered cars on unsuitable roads to gather in groups in fields with a few basic facilities. Large gatherings of Yahtzeeites are often a cause of rage amongst locals and motorists, and have been known to be the victims of hate crime.

Worship takes place in small groups of 1-8 players. The rite is comprised of 13 symbolic rounds. Tea is traditionally drunk throughout to sustain the faithful. However, moderation is recommended as it is considered impolite to interrupt the proceedings for a tea-pee. The other sovereign rule that must be adhered to during worship is that the dice must remain in the holy chalice. Persons who transgress and drop the sacred dice will be sent on a guilt trip to refill the water reservoir.

Although worship usually takes place in family units, Yahtzeeites will often visit other groups for a session of prayer. This usually occurs when they can no longer bear the company of their own kin without murder occurring. Through this practice the children of the followers of Yahtzee form new lifetime friendships for a fortnight each year. Excursions for the worship of Yahtzee are usually a carefully planned annual event, but may also be a hasty retreat in times of spiritual crisis.

The priesthood of Yahtzee practice Astragalomancy, and one can obtain a reading in return for an offering of nibbles and snackies. What they invariably divine is that one will experience approximately an hour of being mildly entertained before one must again contemplate the bleakness of existence. Physical perfection and health is not required of the clergy. In fact the current High Priest, Roland Bones, is said to perform his out-of-offices despite suffering from a wet weak end.

Sadly, the popularity of Yahtzee began to wane slightly from the 80s onwards with the introduction of campsite games-rooms and arcades. The followers of Yahtzee abhor these, and the practice of having televisions in caravans, as they distract from the proper practice of regular worship.

Yahtzeeites believe that when they die they will go to the “Last Resort” where there is eternal sunshine…
…and a 5 star hotel.

Thank you to Adam Broadhurst for suggesting Yahtzee.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Tag: dice

Eric – God of Pub Games

Yahtzee – God of Rainy Caravan Holidays