Yahtzee – God of Rainy Caravan Holidays

Yahtzee originated circa 1945 when the family caravan holiday began to grow in popularity. Picture the scene: you have driven 200 miles to spend a week living in a biscuit tin on wheels and peeing in a bucket. All because the surroundings are marginally prettier than the surroundings at home. However, said bucolic idyll is obscured from view by fog and you are made a prisoner by a maelstrom. In the mind-crushing desperation of boredom, you turn to the board games chest under the couch/bed. To your horror, you discover that Scrabble has no S’s, Monopoly only has £5 in the bank and Kerplunk has lost its marbles. But lo! Great joy! The divine salvation of Yahtzee came in answer to your prayers. From the depleted detritus of lesser games, five dice are salvaged and pen and paper found.

Following the way of Yahtzee is traditionally a summer vocation. The temples of Yahtzee are tin tabernacles on wheels of varying sizes, scented with the burning of the sacred Calor Gas stove and smouldering toast incense. The faithful tow their own temple for many miles with underpowered cars on unsuitable roads to gather in groups in fields with a few basic facilities. Large gatherings of Yahtzeeites are often a cause of rage amongst locals and motorists, and have been known to be the victims of hate crime.

Worship takes place in small groups of 1-8 players. The rite is comprised of 13 symbolic rounds. Tea is traditionally drunk throughout to sustain the faithful. However, moderation is recommended as it is considered impolite to interrupt the proceedings for a tea-pee. The other sovereign rule that must be adhered to during worship is that the dice must remain in the holy chalice. Persons who transgress and drop the sacred dice will be sent on a guilt trip to refill the water reservoir.

Although worship usually takes place in family units, Yahtzeeites will often visit other groups for a session of prayer. This usually occurs when they can no longer bear the company of their own kin without murder occurring. Through this practice the children of the followers of Yahtzee form new lifetime friendships for a fortnight each year. Excursions for the worship of Yahtzee are usually a carefully planned annual event, but may also be a hasty retreat in times of spiritual crisis.

The priesthood of Yahtzee practice Astragalomancy, and one can obtain a reading in return for an offering of nibbles and snackies. What they invariably divine is that one will experience approximately an hour of being mildly entertained before one must again contemplate the bleakness of existence. Physical perfection and health is not required of the clergy. In fact the current High Priest, Roland Bones, is said to perform his out-of-offices despite suffering from a wet weak end.

Sadly, the popularity of Yahtzee began to wane slightly from the 80s onwards with the introduction of campsite games-rooms and arcades. The followers of Yahtzee abhor these, and the practice of having televisions in caravans, as they distract from the proper practice of regular worship.

Yahtzeeites believe that when they die they will go to the “Last Resort” where there is eternal sunshine…
…and a 5 star hotel.

Thank you to Adam Broadhurst for suggesting Yahtzee.

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