Hippopotholemess – The Pot Hole Dragon

Hippopotholemess sits in the ambiguous territory between bestial deity and mythical beast. In the celestial pecking order they rank somewhere between Gods and Gremlins.

Many historians will try to tell you that the Romans never really made it into Scotland. They are not quite correct. The Romans made one ill-fated attempt to build a road across Scotland. They selected a typically straight route from east to west coast. During the construction, some poor hapless civil engineer disturbed the rest of a great primordial snake lying dormant beneath the green glen floor. Hippopotholemess awoke, and thrashed in ire. Destroying the engineer, the foundations of the road and the Legio IX Hispania. The writhing also gouged out great cavities in the earth which were filled by the ample rains to form a line of lochs. Then the great dragon sank beneath the waters and vowed eternal vengeance on all road makers everywhere.

When all was still once more, the terrified locals crept out to survey the destruction. Lost for words, they could only exclaim “Och! Mess!” Over time this became corrupted to the present day Loch Ness. Loch Ness is, in truth, the largest, longest, deepest and oldest pot hole of all, and Hippopotholemess is today known by a corruption of their original nick name “Messy”.

In pursuit of their vendetta against road builders, Hippopotholemess began to reproduce asexually. Dividing again and again to produce trillions of identical clones. Each one journeyed out to find its own spot under a busy carriageway somewhere. Here they burrow around and around as they grow and divide, until the road surface above collapses. Then the Hippopotholemess are released to move on to another spot. With the right climate conditions exponential reproduction could occur. Soon all the Ancient Britons were left with was some dangerous stretches of road surface between the abyssal deeps. Some think that the Romans left Britain as a result of rebellion and the actions of Constantine III. In fact they just couldn’t keep up with the repairs. As the occupation receded, the scourge of Hippopotholemess spread into mainland Europe and beyond.

Hippopotholemess is still very much with us today. Perhaps more so than ever. Whilst most sects associated with a deity praise, laud and promote their god, the only official cult associated with Hippopotholemess seeks to either bind or destroy them. The priest hood of the “Via Imperium Propellente” are very important priests. They watch over the highways and seek to thwart Hippopotholemess at every turn of their coils. They may be the only directly government funded religious order. Sadly, they number too few and are woefully ill equipped with just a rusty shovel and a bucket of tepid asphalt between them. The sigil of the Via Imperium Propellente is a black silhouette of a man opening an umbrella on a white back ground, framed by a red triangle. They always erect a sign baring this sacred sigil when they are out and about in the community undertaking their holy works. The priesthood can be recognised by their fluorescent orange weatherproof robes and cranial protection birettas.

A ritual to neutralise a Hippopotholemess goes as follows;
– On arrival at the site where a Hippopotholemess has been discovered, the first priest to arrive will bless the earth by scattering many blessed orange and white plastic cones all around the area.
– Then he or she will erect metal signs baring ancient spells to bind the wyrm. These are written in mysterious arcane tongues, such as “When thee reed lyte shineth, tarry herre”, “Clausit Viam” and “Die Version”.
– The senior priest will then arrive to ignite the sacred lamps at the north and south sides of the circle. Each of these lamps contains a red candle, an amber candle and a green candle. The lamps contain an automatic shutter mechanism to reveal the colours in turn. (This mechanism usually breaks down – so no change there then).
– Next the protective inner circle is cast to bind Hippopotholemess. This is done by erecting yellow plastic barriers which are specially designed to fall down at the first breath of wind.
– At the climax of the rite all the priests present will form a circle, leaning on the barriers. They will watch one lone priest attempt to dig out and destroy the serpent within. There various methods employed, but the most common is to give the beast a neuralgia with a numinous pneumatic drill before digging it out and drowning it with bitumen.
– The hole is then filled and lightly patted down with the rusty shovel.
– When the priests finally depart, they always leave behind a few stray signs and cones. This is so that when the tarmac blows out again a week later, you can reassure yourself that you were not imagining the whole thing. The priests really were there.

A visitation by the Via Imperium Propellente can never be predicted reliably. You might logically assume that they would target the worst Hippopotholemess infested streets first. However, somehow it always seems to be the streets with the houses in the highest tax band. Even though the terrace lined streets are literally holier than the tree lined avenues. Another reason to be slightly suspicious of this cult, is that they also run a chain of auto body shops called “Wreck Amended Repairers”. They may, in fact, have a vested interest in never completely vanquishing Hippopotholemess. On the plus side, they have produced an online guide to help pedestrians avoid pot holes in pavements. It’s called Trip Advisor.

In remote areas which the Via Imperium Propellente never get to, people have had to learn to love their long standing gaping chasms, and have even found creative uses for them. For example, there is a marvellous new Wetlands Reserve, right in the middle of the fast lane of the A630. Bitterns have even been sighted in the reed-beds on the pot hole shores. In Whipsnade, a particularly deep pothole has been pressed into service as a giraffe habitat. A pot hole which opened up on Her Majesty’s private golf course at the Balmoral Estate has been turned into a private gin palace called “The Hole in One”. Meanwhile, in Tunisia, an particularly spectacular ancient pot hole was preserved as a tourist attraction after it was used as the filming location for the Great Pit of Carkoon in Return of the Jedi.

There are whispers of a lost, water filled, “Schrödinger’s Pothole”. This apparent puddle is simultaneously two inches and four hundred meters deep. You cannot know until you drive through it.

There are some informal and superstitious attempts to appease Hippopotholemess by the lay population. Such as a distinctive weaving folk driving style, thought to guard against vehicular damage (but not against getting pulled for a breath test). A common act of sacrifice to Hippopotholemess is to pour a pint of beer over a road surface whilst consuming one for yourself. This is the origin of the old saying, “An ale please Landlord, and one more for the road!”

Idol Scribblings Volume Two
Coming out 30th November 2020

Even more deities for every eventuality with a foreword by Gary Brannan of the Technical Difficulties ( TechDiff.co.uk )
Pre order before November 14th 2020 for a special early-bird discount and to get your name included in the book as a patron.

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Idol Scribblings Volume One


A collection of 52 deities, ancient and modern, for all occations from Idol Scribblings. Produced in 2019-2020.


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Drax – God of Power Stations

Drax is a huge, grey and imposing deity from Yorkshire. His most striking feature is that his skin is laced with and intricate web of blue-black coal dust tattoos. He is said to be one of the most powerful and efficient of all the gods. You might pray to him for the energy to cook your lunch, or for light to see your way in the dark. Initially he was not a very benevolent deity, raining his corrosive emissions on the just and the unjust alike. Then it was discovered that he could be somewhat pacified if they gave him plenty of scrubbers to help keep his flue nice and clean.

Drax was one of the later born deities and there was much speculation amongst the other gods about his paternity. They were all talking about his generation. Drax often thought of his unknown father and cried out to the heavens “Who are you? Who? Who? Who? Who?”.

The church of Drax is divided into two sects who work cooperatively. The Sect of Generation work to gain power for the organisation and the Sect of Transmission evangelise and spread the word. There are six levels of the hierarchy in the clergy of Drax, a structure that was established in the early days by the Viscount Weir-Wolfe. There is a single supreme head of the church “The 400kV” who ultimately joins all Draxians together. (The current 400kV is Daniel Ratcliffe, who succeeded Richard West-Burton.) The next step down are the 275kV High Voltage Priests or “Pylones”. They each serve a wide area and support and supply the lower grid of 132kV Priests who are responsible for serving smaller regions.

The lowest and largest order of the church are the faithful mass of domestic subscribers known as the 230V. Should you get the calling to serve Drax you have to complete three phases of training* as an AC-olyte and achieve harmonisation to become an 410V priest. If you are a powerful preacher, you might be “transformed” to become one of the 11kV priests who preach on an industrial scale. Recently, the Church of Drax was shocked by a scandal, when it was discovered that the AC-olytes from the Washington DC branch had been performing unsanitary acts for low remuneration.

There were many temples of Drax, but their numbers have dwindled to just seven in the UK. The principle, and largest of these temples is a mighty citadel called Khuling Towers, located conveniently just off the M62. Should you visit the temple to ask for a blessing, one must bring a sacrifice to burn. Skinflints might bring a sack of cheap lignite, but they should beware. Drax is likely to be displeased with this offering and make acidic emissions to show his chagrin. Should you be asking for something big, it is advised to not stint and bring a bag of finest anthracite (please don’t bring any coke, we don’t want him to develop a habit). For most everyday sacrifices, Drax is said to be happy with a nice bit of nutty slack. There have been recent moves towards sacrificing vegetable rather than fossil based offerings at rituals. These “Bio Masses” are increasingly taking over from the more traditional votives. During the rites one can enjoy the sacred music of Drax, much of which is composed by Brian Ferrybridge.

Temples of Drax are often surrounded by acres of Under-Glass horticultural industry. They use the second hand heat from the temple to ensure bumper crops. This agricultural anomaly is known as “The Greenhouse Effect”.

Occasionally Drax may do battle with the raging winds of the Sun God. The light from these battles sometimes illuminates the northern skies. Whilst he is engaged in battle, Drax may temporarily withdraw his power from our world. When these outages occur, worshippers of Drax will spontaneously light candles and engage in the impromptu fertility ritual called “Wellwehaventgotanythingbettertodo”.

The Sun God’s main weapon against Drax is Hydro the Renewable Dragon. Simultaneously a Water, Earth, Fire, Air dragon, it has multiple heads to accommodate this. It is said that the heads will regenerate if severed, making Hydro pretty much invincible. However, Hydro is not always around when you need them. Followers of Drax pessimistically believe that their God will eventually be defeated by Hydro, as his power will eventually run out before that of the Sun God. The previously mentioned Bio Mass experiments are an attempt to circumvent this prophecy and ensure Drax is there for years to come.

*you can complete these in any rotation.

Thank you to Pascal Harper for suggesting Drax and to Kate Karnage and John Kennard for further character development.

Idol Scribblings Volume Two
Coming out 30th November 2020

Even more deities for every eventuality with a foreword by Gary Brannan of the Technical Difficulties ( TechDiff.co.uk )
Pre order before November 14th 2020 for a special early-bird discount and to get your name included in the book as a patron.

Pre order here https://idolscribblings.blog/the-book

Idol Scribblings Volume One


A collection of 52 deities, ancient and modern, for all occations from Idol Scribblings. Produced in 2019-2020.


Order your copy here
https://idolscribblings.blog/the-book/

NEW!
IDOL SCRIBBLINGS COMMISSIONS


What do you get the person who has everything? Turn them into a God!

I can turn your friend, relative or even you pet into a humorous Idol Scribblings cartoon. They make a perfect gift!

Click this link to contact me for more information about how to deify your loved ones like a Roman Emperor of old!

Thank you for reading. If you have enjoyed this deity, please feel free to share it with your friends. New deities are published weekly. You can get alerted to new deities via Facebook through the Idol Scribbling Page or on Twitter by following @IdolScribblings . Catch up on the Pantheon so far here.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.