Hello you bunch of beautiful reprobates. As I originally promised to be back with a new Idol Scribblings deity this week, and that is now not happening, I though I ought to tell you all why.
We had a lot of thunderstorms around our parts this week. During one of these storms we ended up with an extra cat. They came in through our cat flap to take shelter, and haven’t left since! Instead of drawing my cartoons I have been trying to track down his humans and acting as referee between him and out two existing cats. So far, to no avail. If we can’t find his humans, and he settles down a bit with our girls, he may well end up becoming a member of the family. He certainly seems to want to be with us. (In addition to this feline drama, work has been really busy this week as the UK prepares for the next stage of lockdown easing.)
Our Mystery Cat VisitorMaking himself at home until we can find his home.
Some philosophers say that faith is a crutch, but the philosophy of the followers of Patella is to put their faith in a crutch.
Patella has numerous Temples around the world, including ones in; Stepney (UK), Krzywe Kolanois (Poland) and Stiffknee Knob (NC – USA). There are no stairs in Patella’s temples. Every comfortable pew is accompanied by it’s own soft pouffé for the elevation of aching limbs. Hot and cold compress hassocks are available to borrow for a small donation. All prayers are offered from a seated position. Repeated standing and kneeling for prayer is not required. Patella understands.
Patella’s Sabbath day is Saturday. The rites of Patella can induce a euphoria in her worshippers which makes them weak at the knees, known as “Saturday Night Femur”. Other faiths experience “the rapture”, followers of Patella experience “the rupture”. During services “Groaning Hymns” are sung by her choirs, accompanied by trom-bones, in perfect harmon-knee. (One of the most famous of her sacred works is Mike Oldfield’s “Tubular Bandages”.) A sacrament of rubbing alcohol and ibuprofen is shared by the congregation during the service. You are advised to partake sparingly, or you may get inkneebriated. At the close of a ritual, instead of applause, the gathered faithful will crack their joints as they rise to make a clickophony of appreciation.
They are a very benevolent religion. The faithful will always hop to it if they see an opportunity to help the kneedy. They often co-ordinate multi agency disaster relief aid, as they are really good at managing a joint effort. In addition they are big believers in justice and fairness and her church provides free legal representation to accused persons who cannot afford a legal counsel. Especially those hop less cases who don’t have a leg to stand on. Beneficiaries will confirm that they are highly skilled barristers, and have often described them as “the bee’s knees”.
Her clergy can be identified by their distinctive official headwear known as the “Knee Cap”. In countries where religions are suppressed and they must act in secret, her followers will identify themselves to one another via the secret “Limp Handshake”. The mystics of Patella, are said to be able to predict the weather via their aching joints. When a new member is inducted into the priesthood they are ceremonially anointed with Deep Heat.
Patella was Christianised as the Cornish Pre-congregation saints, the twin sisters St Fibula and St Tibia. In the Ancient Greek pantheon her equivalent is Dodgyknees, who lived in a barrel. (If you find the puns in this one too painful, just try to appreciate the iron knee.)
Idol Scribblings Volume Two Coming out 30th November 2020
Even more deities for every eventuality with a foreword by Gary Brannan of the Technical Difficulties ( TechDiff.co.uk ) Pre order before November 14th 2020 for a special early-bird discount and to get your name included in the book as a patron.
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