Karenken – Blond Bobbed Abyssal Beast

November 30, 2020November 30, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

The Karenken – A Blond Bobbed Abyssal Beast.
© H. Hudson-Lee 2020

The Karenken is a hyper-privileged abyssal beast that wants to speak to everyone’s manager. It takes the form of a tangle of seething, entitled tentacles, lurking in the depths of ocean trenches. The Karenken can be distinguished from other marine behemoths by its celebrated asymmetrical blond coiffure (a style known to the French as the “bob a feté”) and the flushed pink hue of its skin. If this wasn’t recognisable enough, you can be in no doubt that you are in the presence of the Karenken once you hear its distinctive call. This sounds a lot like, “DOYOUKNOWWHOIAM!” It is not clear exactly how much sway the Karenken has over hearts and minds of mankind, but they certainly consider themselves to be an influencer.

The cult of Karenken is an extremely dark religion, known to regularly practice human sacrifice. They find a ready supply of victims by regularly advertising minimum wage retail jobs. When a rite to appease the Karenken takes place, the unfortunate victim is taken out to sea on a temple ship, where they will first cast some material offerings into the waves to try and appease the Karenken. The Karenken will then erupt from beneath the spume with boiling ire, expressing violent displeasure about the quality of the material offerings, how long they took to be delivered and the general attitude of the assembled priests. At this point, the High Priest or “Manager” comes forward and performs the sacrifice by firing the victim. Very, very literally. The Karenken then retreats beneath the brine, sated for now. This ritual is known as “The Customer Service”. Students of comparative religion have concluded that this just goes to prove that what the Karenken truly feeds on is drama, attention, and the souls of junior workers who just want to earn enough to eat today. (The victim is not always doomed, very occasionally one manages to escape by hiding in the toilets and crying.)

The acolytes of the Karenken have a wider holy mission, making sure the online presence of the Karenken can always be felt via the ethernet. Much of their time online is spent writing scathing reviews and comments about innocent businesses. Preferably companies small enough that they wont have the spare capital to sue for libel and defamation. The church have a helpful website to teach neophytes how to take down a social media manager in one easy comment, known as “Rip Advisor”. Using the religious guidance on this website enables a new member of the religion to learn how to make people in ecommerce yell and yelp in a few easy steps. When not incinerating “menial employees” or leaving negative feedback, worshippers of Karenken have a tendency to support dubious political movements. A recent example being their backing of the insidious “Make Atlantis Great Again” campaign. To fund the upkeep of their temples and their works, worshippers of Karenken hold an annual amateur variety show called “The One Star Revue”. This may be the only known theatrical event where all the critics are on the stage.

Throughout history, followers of other deities have been known to attempt to summon and channel the power of the Karenken to do their bidding. Most recently, the priests of Tantrump who sought to harness the power to overturn an election result. This course of action is very unwise, as the Karenken only ever serves the Karenken. What they think will be an awesome force of nature on their side always turns out to be a damp squid.

If you encounter the Karenken, it is possible to banish it. Just tell it you ARE the manager, and repeatedly chant the ancient protective mantra, “Fou Kovf.”

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Thaw – God of Broken Freezers

July 3, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Wherever the constant background hum falls silent, Thaw is there. A visitation from Thaw can end up costing you a lot of lolly.

Thaw’s association with broken appliances probably derives from his tendency to try and mend things with his “mighty hammer”. In mythology, Scampi (the God of Seafood and Mischief) grew fed up with Thaw’s percussion engineering and not having any ice for his mead. Also, he “Had a whole box of Magnums in there man!”. Enraged, Scampi forced a Crown of Prawns onto Thaw’s head.

Thaw’s temples are usually simple white box-like buildings which have a distressing smell and a large puddle of water outside the front door. Many are upright structures with a single, large front door. Some are low, long and squat and accessed via an opening roof. In the USA the temples have a distinct “double front door” style.

His priests are known for being a bit “snowflake”, in that they will frequently break down and lose their cool. Despite this, they usually maintain themselves in good physical condition. The Elder Priest is said to have the body of an 18 year old, or at least he did until his freezer broke. Nonetheless, they are a close knit college, and should you join them, you will make lots of cool friends.

The great annual festival of Thaw is called “Deliquesce” and it takes place on the day after the first eight hour long power cut of the year. Thawians will cook and eat every scrap of food in their stores in a frenzy “before it goes off”, (including that tub of mystery brown liquid and chunks that was probably a homemade soup once upon a time) and a great feast is shared. At Deliquesce Thawian parents will traditionally give their children gifts of brand new fridges. Many parents will sentimentally enjoy watching the little ones’ faces light up as they open them.

Many people have found enlightenment through the way of Thaw. The words “I was blind, but now icy.” are often repeated in his sacred texts and anthems. It is forbidden by Thaw to take a slice of lemon in your drink. When offered ice and lemon at a pub, a Thawian will cry for just ice.

When a Thawian passes away they will be given a traditional funeral by their family. For these events, professional mourners are always hired, known as the “Cry O’re Genics”. Then the deceased is frozen and interred in a sub-zero crypt. A Thawian crypt can be identified as the words “Icy Dead People” are always carved over the entrance.

People also pray to Thaw when the icebox is taking too frigging long to defrost.

Thank you to Janet Hudson for suggesting Thaw.

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Trangia – Goddess of Outdoor Cookery

April 14, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Trangia is an ancient Norse deity, who ensures a hot meal for Vikings on the go. Trangia was the daughter of the primordial elemental deity “Sausage God of Fire”. She was readily adopted by the former followers of Sausage. Sausage, demands a whole item of meat product to be cast into the fire in sacrifice every time a meal is cooked. Indeed, Sausage will often take this whether it is freely offered or not. Trangia, on the other hand, only requires a thin layer of food to be burned to the bottom of the pan (and even then she only demands this of inexperienced alfresco chefs).

Trangia is often described as a majestic beauty with flaming blue hair and a light physique. She resides in Asgard where she drinks only the strange, violet, Spirit of Methyl and dines on tablets of Hexamine. (In some traditions she is said to be a blind deity.) Trangia does not have a consort. She has met many potential matches. Sadly, although they struck it off well, each time things burned out too quickly.

Temples of Trangia are fully portable. Their graceful silver domes can be packed down to nest tightly together so they can be easily carried to the location of the next ritual. They are transported by the Temple Guard, who are a tough bunch despite their camp demeanour. Rites are usually held atop mountains, by lakes and at other sites of outstanding natural beauty. Occasionally they may be held at an outdoor event, festival or during a power cut. The great annual festival of Trangia is “The Beanfeast”, when followers of Trangia assemble in a great tent city. The church of Trangia took a pole of their follower’s during the last festival, and 100% of worshippers where upset when their tent collapsed.

A Trangian rite of worship commences with the ignition of the sacred flame. The priest will then put the kettle on, and whilst they wait for it to boil, the congregation will raise their voices in singing hymns. Perhaps the most well known of these is the haunting sacred motet “Ging-gang-goolie”. The assembled will then pass around a communal white, blue rimmed, enamel chalice of tea made with Ultra Holy Trangia milk. Then they anoint their blistered lips with sanctified unguent. At the end of the service, the officiating priest will ceremonially drop the divine brass disc to extinguish the sacred flame until next time. If is considered a bad omen should the disc fall incorrectly, requiring nudging into the correct position with the pan grip. Due to the liquids consumed, worshippers often hurry out at the end, and nip around the back for an urgent tea-pee.

Trangia protects her faithful from of bits of wood or charcoal ash invading their food. If a follower of Trangia finds a black bit in their dinner, they can rest assured that it is the remains of a suicidal insect, and therefore full of protein.

Followers of Trangia practice transcendental sexual meditation, and are said to be intents lovers. It can be hard to pin down a firm date-night with them though, as they only ever make tentative arrangements.

Trangia was suggested by Wesley Perriman, Rebecca Stothard, Erica Madelin and Dave Redford whilst we waited for the kettle to boil in a field in Derbyshire.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Low Key – God of Bassists

April 9, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 1 Comment

In the beginning there were twin brothers born to the All-Father by the goddess Gittern, and named Ego and Low Key. On their coming of age they were each gifted with an exquisite stringed musical instrument by the artisan deity Warwick God of Thumbs. They were commanded by their parents to perform a duet for the amusement of the other divine beings. At the end of this first of all gigs, Low-Key became enraged that, of the two girls that came, his brother went home with both of them. In his jealous rage he tore one (some say two) strings from his instrument and with them bound Ego down in the underworld so tightly that he was flat-wound. His brother was later freed by one of his groupies, who discovered that the way to break the binding string was with a particularly forceful slap. The young Low-Key, now left with a depleted instrument, reconciled himself to the fact that he would grow up to become a bassist. Until his parents broke the news to him that he couldn’t do both. The brothers eventually re-united and now work together as gods of music under an uneasy truce. Sadly Low Key developed a touch of rickets because Ego kept stealing all the light.

As a method of teaching of the brother’s story from the mythos of Low-Key, the temple offers relationship mediation services. People whose relationship communication has broken down are subjected to a thumping Acid-Jazz-Funk Fusion bass solo until they are forced to start talking to each other. Married couples who can sustain icy silence through more than 30 minutes of this are instantly granted a divorce.

His consort is Caritas Goddess of Soft Touches. Low Key loves Caritas for her formidable divine strength. She can lift a bass amp onto a van with one hand. Caritas soon discovered that, you are sleeping with the bass player from one band, then you will be automatically sleeping with the bass players from at least two other bands. It turns out this does not mean you will be making whoopee three times as often*. All may not be well between the lovers. It is said that every time Low-Key touches Caritas intimately, she complains that Midi the God of Keyboard Players can do it better with his left hand.

The Shrine of Low-Key is housed within the spare bedroom of the Temple of Caritas. The Shrine is stacked high with amps, flight cases, racks and cables. There is no space to hold large rites of worship here. There is only just enough room to house the sacred artefacts and for four members of the clergy to squeeze in-between to rehearse the holy beats. The sacred artefacts include an impressive collection of legendary instruments. Such as the “Manual Analogue Pitch Approximater” or “Fretless”. Perhaps the most dangerous of these is an instrument made entirely from Sodium Hydroxide. This Base Guitar will literally melt your face. All these instruments are brought out at least once a year for the annual festival of “Tuning”.

Priests of Low Key are called Bassists. Which is confusing, because those prejudiced against the lower frequencies are also known as Bassists. Each Bassist is assisted by a young neophyte technician or “Squier”. In order to graduate to full priesthood, each Squier must perform a gig at the Lee Offender’s Institute. In order to be successful, the performance must be so tremendous that the audience break their handcuffs clapping. Some brave and foolish neophytes will attempt their first gig after just two lessons.

Their current High Priest and leader is Ernie Ball. (High priesthood is level 42 of their hierarchy.) He took office when the previous High Priest, Hofner, was said to have perished when he fell over the Rickenbacker Falls. If you commit a serious offence, the High Priest will personally excommunicate and cast you out from the faith by declaring the words, “I banez you”. Bassists believe that the way the blessed get into heaven when they die is around the back, up 2 floors of fire escape, through the kitchen and across the dancefloor.

Incidentally, Latin name of the genus of fish commonly known as Bass is “Morone”. That is not a joke, but it is funny.

Thank you to Bryony Nightingale and Adam Broadhurst for each suggesting Low Key separately (Obviously two great minds that think alike). Thank you to Kris Hudson-Lee for modelling.

*Or that they are three different people

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Grindr – God of Online Dating

April 2, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Let’s get one thing straight. He’s not. Grindr was a hugely popular deity amongst the seafaring Vikings during those long voyages.

It can be lonely on the fjords in winter, and the nearest booty call might be across 5 miles of sheer icy mountain. Grindr is the deity who brings lovers together to keep out the cold. Followers of Grindr carry his talisman, which will vibrate when another eligible follower comes within navigable distance. The pattern of vibration delivers important information about the potential hook up by Norse Code.

Grindr is the son of Blue Tooth. His origin story states that his mother, Nokia, gave birth to him in the closet to hide him from the evil Ice Giant Homophobe. Once fully grown he began to search for his sworn enemy, protecting his anonymity by appearing only as a disembodied torso. Once Homophobe was bound and rendered powerless, Grindr proudly left the closet and the rest of the pantheon had to get used to it. Grindr’s has a twin sister called Tinder.

Following the path of Grindr can be arduous. The standards of lifestyle, diet and dress are high. Many devotees pray assiduously and will check in with Grindr every few minutes. Even though there is nothing new. If Grindr blesses you with finding the perfect partner, it is traditional to celebrate that union until you are both Thor. In his temple, his priests or “Nerdics” tirelessly refine his holy algorithms to ensure appropriate matches. Once a year all followers of Grindr meet up and celebrate their Pride in their faith with parties and parades.

The Temple of Grindr are places where one can be one’s true self. The interiors are decorated with impeccable style taste. The sacred music played there is an ancient, traditional style, because there’s nowt so queer as folk. On the wall of the shady side of the temple, worshippers will often post saucy pictures of themselves in as offering to Grindr in hopes he will favour them with a match with Mr Right (or at least Mr Right Now). Parking is to the rear.

Grindr is, perhaps surprisingly, the only vegetarian Norse God. In fact he’s Norvegan. He is famous for his impressively large chopper and smooth shiny helmet. His sacred animals are a handsome bear with a powerful right swipe and a white swallow.

Thank you to Pascal Harper for suggesting Grindr.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.