Trangia – Goddess of Outdoor Cookery

Trangia is an ancient Norse deity, who ensures a hot meal for Vikings on the go. Trangia was the daughter of the primordial elemental deity “Sausage God of Fire”. She was readily adopted by the former followers of Sausage. Sausage, demands a whole item of meat product to be cast into the fire in sacrifice every time a meal is cooked. Indeed, Sausage will often take this whether it is freely offered or not. Trangia, on the other hand, only requires a thin layer of food to be burned to the bottom of the pan (and even then she only demands this of inexperienced alfresco chefs).

Trangia is often described as a majestic beauty with flaming blue hair and a light physique. She resides in Asgard where she drinks only the strange, violet, Spirit of Methyl and dines on tablets of Hexamine. (In some traditions she is said to be a blind deity.) Trangia does not have a consort. She has met many potential matches. Sadly, although they struck it off well, each time things burned out too quickly.

Temples of Trangia are fully portable. Their graceful silver domes can be packed down to nest tightly together so they can be easily carried to the location of the next ritual. They are transported by the Temple Guard, who are a tough bunch despite their camp demeanour. Rites are usually held atop mountains, by lakes and at other sites of outstanding natural beauty. Occasionally they may be held at an outdoor event, festival or during a power cut. The great annual festival of Trangia is “The Beanfeast”, when followers of Trangia assemble in a great tent city. The church of Trangia took a pole of their follower’s during the last festival, and 100% of worshippers where upset when their tent collapsed.

A Trangian rite of worship commences with the ignition of the sacred flame. The priest will then put the kettle on, and whilst they wait for it to boil, the congregation will raise their voices in singing hymns. Perhaps the most well known of these is the haunting sacred motet “Ging-gang-goolie”. The assembled will then pass around a communal white, blue rimmed, enamel chalice of tea made with Ultra Holy Trangia milk. Then they anoint their blistered lips with sanctified unguent. At the end of the service, the officiating priest will ceremonially drop the divine brass disc to extinguish the sacred flame until next time. If is considered a bad omen should the disc fall incorrectly, requiring nudging into the correct position with the pan grip. Due to the liquids consumed, worshippers often hurry out at the end, and nip around the back for an urgent tea-pee.

Trangia protects her faithful from of bits of wood or charcoal ash invading their food. If a follower of Trangia finds a black bit in their dinner, they can rest assured that it is the remains of a suicidal insect, and therefore full of protein.

Followers of Trangia practice transcendental sexual meditation, and are said to be intents lovers. It can be hard to pin down a firm date-night with them though, as they only ever make tentative arrangements.

Trangia was suggested by Wesley Perriman, Rebecca Stothard, Erica Madelin and Dave Redford whilst we waited for the kettle to boil in a field in Derbyshire.

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