Karenken – Blond Bobbed Abyssal Beast

November 30, 2020November 30, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

The Karenken – A Blond Bobbed Abyssal Beast.
© H. Hudson-Lee 2020

The Karenken is a hyper-privileged abyssal beast that wants to speak to everyone’s manager. It takes the form of a tangle of seething, entitled tentacles, lurking in the depths of ocean trenches. The Karenken can be distinguished from other marine behemoths by its celebrated asymmetrical blond coiffure (a style known to the French as the “bob a feté”) and the flushed pink hue of its skin. If this wasn’t recognisable enough, you can be in no doubt that you are in the presence of the Karenken once you hear its distinctive call. This sounds a lot like, “DOYOUKNOWWHOIAM!” It is not clear exactly how much sway the Karenken has over hearts and minds of mankind, but they certainly consider themselves to be an influencer.

The cult of Karenken is an extremely dark religion, known to regularly practice human sacrifice. They find a ready supply of victims by regularly advertising minimum wage retail jobs. When a rite to appease the Karenken takes place, the unfortunate victim is taken out to sea on a temple ship, where they will first cast some material offerings into the waves to try and appease the Karenken. The Karenken will then erupt from beneath the spume with boiling ire, expressing violent displeasure about the quality of the material offerings, how long they took to be delivered and the general attitude of the assembled priests. At this point, the High Priest or “Manager” comes forward and performs the sacrifice by firing the victim. Very, very literally. The Karenken then retreats beneath the brine, sated for now. This ritual is known as “The Customer Service”. Students of comparative religion have concluded that this just goes to prove that what the Karenken truly feeds on is drama, attention, and the souls of junior workers who just want to earn enough to eat today. (The victim is not always doomed, very occasionally one manages to escape by hiding in the toilets and crying.)

The acolytes of the Karenken have a wider holy mission, making sure the online presence of the Karenken can always be felt via the ethernet. Much of their time online is spent writing scathing reviews and comments about innocent businesses. Preferably companies small enough that they wont have the spare capital to sue for libel and defamation. The church have a helpful website to teach neophytes how to take down a social media manager in one easy comment, known as “Rip Advisor”. Using the religious guidance on this website enables a new member of the religion to learn how to make people in ecommerce yell and yelp in a few easy steps. When not incinerating “menial employees” or leaving negative feedback, worshippers of Karenken have a tendency to support dubious political movements. A recent example being their backing of the insidious “Make Atlantis Great Again” campaign. To fund the upkeep of their temples and their works, worshippers of Karenken hold an annual amateur variety show called “The One Star Revue”. This may be the only known theatrical event where all the critics are on the stage.

Throughout history, followers of other deities have been known to attempt to summon and channel the power of the Karenken to do their bidding. Most recently, the priests of Tantrump who sought to harness the power to overturn an election result. This course of action is very unwise, as the Karenken only ever serves the Karenken. What they think will be an awesome force of nature on their side always turns out to be a damp squid.

If you encounter the Karenken, it is possible to banish it. Just tell it you ARE the manager, and repeatedly chant the ancient protective mantra, “Fou Kovf.”

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Loadin’ Skypefather – God of Video Calls

March 22, 2020October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

He has hovered around in the background for a few years as a very minor deity. Now current events have thrust Loadin’ Skypefather into the theological limelight. He looks set to be a major player in the modern international pantheon for some time to come. A boon to mankind, helping us to reduce direct social contact. This year even Santa Claus is thinking of using a Virtual Presents Device.

Loadin’ Skypefather is the god of virtual communication that enables you to stay connected with your family and colleagues. This is considered by many to be a marvel of the modern age, and by others to be a real step back in human development. The critics argue that video calling destroys 90% the fun of working from home. As it forces you to brush your hair and be properly dressed (at least from the waist up). The first time non-believers see themselves on screen, they realise why Hollywood spends millions on hair, make up and lighting. What few people know is that, unless you have offered the correct prayers to the Skypefather, your webcam will be infested with a psychic filter that makes your face look like a smashed thumb and any breathing near the microphone sound like an punctured accordion being played by a two year old.

Loadin’ Skypefather has no designated temples or meeting places. Instead each worshipper will have a small shrine in their own home. This takes the form of a dedicated clean and tidy area amid the usual chaos. This provides a socially acceptable backdrop for video calls that won’t invite judgement on their living arrangements. This space is used for dialling into Video Conference Prayer Meetings, which is this sect’s preferred modem of worship.

There is an awkward initial stage to every prayer meeting, when only two worshippers have joined the call and are waiting for everyone else to join. They will invariably be the two members of the group who know each other least well, and they will be forced to make excruciatingly awkward small-talk until the others dial in. The prayer meeting formally begins with each worshipper reciting the traditional greeting, “Can everybody see me?” as they dial in. Next, the weather in each worshipper’s location will be discussed. One person will then interrupt by joining the meeting late. At which point, the congregation will chorus “Who just joined?” and the whole start of the ritual must be repeated.

One worshipper will be designated to take notes of the prayer meeting. They do this in the traditional manner, by typing with lump hammers on a keyboard full of crisps. When the first worshipper to leave signs off at the end of the meeting, the whole congregation will chorus, “Byeeeeeeee!” so loudly that everyone’s speakers distort.

Should you chose to join one of their virtual meetings, you should be aware that there are certain sins that, if committed, will get you booted off the call. These sins include; eating or drinking without muting your microphone, looking at your own image on the screen rather than the camera, sitting under the air conditioner and being the only one to get a word in edgewise. Sinners will be punished by Loadin’ Skypefather making them question absolutely everything about themselves. Particularly, “Do I really sound like that?”

A few of the Skypefather’s early adopters have now ascended to full priesthood. You may be forgiven for thinking they have taken a vow of silence. In truth, they have just accidentally left their mute function on. The high priest Monty Zoomer once tried to videocall the Skypefather himself, in the hope of receiving some words of wisdom. Unfortunately, all he said was, “Oh hello. I’ll get your mother.” before vanishing off screen.

Loadin’ Skypefather has a divine nemesis, the demon Feedbacchus. Feebacchus is a mythical prankster who lives in the ethernet and makes the audio drop out on the ——— words in every ——–. He also enjoys tormenting the righteous followers of Skypefather by whistling loudly in their ears until their brains explode. Although this sounds scary, he is not really a major threat, as Feebacchus can be defeated simply by turning him down.

The young are somehow mystically drawn to the majesty of Loadin’ Skypefather. When someone makes an important video call, any small children in the house will be lured into the field of view to see what’s going on. Animals are similarly entranced. Cats, particularly, will be overcome with an urge to flop down between the caller and the camera and start performing some anal grooming.

In addition to the virtual prayer meetings, Loadin’ Skypefather worshippers will engage in a ritual known as “Video Calling the Parents”, which is practised at least once a week. This ritual begins with an obligatory preliminary ordinary phone call, to provide tech support. This will often take longer than the actual rite itself. It is traditional for the parents of Loadin’ Skypefather’s followers to carefully write down the entire video call invitation link in their address book, so they can use it again next time. This whole shebang may all sound like a lot of hassle, but it’s worth it just to see ~~their faces light up~~ right up their noses.

May Loadin’ Skypefather watch over you, as you remotely watch over your loved ones.

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Thaw – God of Broken Freezers

July 3, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Wherever the constant background hum falls silent, Thaw is there. A visitation from Thaw can end up costing you a lot of lolly.

Thaw’s association with broken appliances probably derives from his tendency to try and mend things with his “mighty hammer”. In mythology, Scampi (the God of Seafood and Mischief) grew fed up with Thaw’s percussion engineering and not having any ice for his mead. Also, he “Had a whole box of Magnums in there man!”. Enraged, Scampi forced a Crown of Prawns onto Thaw’s head.

Thaw’s temples are usually simple white box-like buildings which have a distressing smell and a large puddle of water outside the front door. Many are upright structures with a single, large front door. Some are low, long and squat and accessed via an opening roof. In the USA the temples have a distinct “double front door” style.

His priests are known for being a bit “snowflake”, in that they will frequently break down and lose their cool. Despite this, they usually maintain themselves in good physical condition. The Elder Priest is said to have the body of an 18 year old, or at least he did until his freezer broke. Nonetheless, they are a close knit college, and should you join them, you will make lots of cool friends.

The great annual festival of Thaw is called “Deliquesce” and it takes place on the day after the first eight hour long power cut of the year. Thawians will cook and eat every scrap of food in their stores in a frenzy “before it goes off”, (including that tub of mystery brown liquid and chunks that was probably a homemade soup once upon a time) and a great feast is shared. At Deliquesce Thawian parents will traditionally give their children gifts of brand new fridges. Many parents will sentimentally enjoy watching the little ones’ faces light up as they open them.

Many people have found enlightenment through the way of Thaw. The words “I was blind, but now icy.” are often repeated in his sacred texts and anthems. It is forbidden by Thaw to take a slice of lemon in your drink. When offered ice and lemon at a pub, a Thawian will cry for just ice.

When a Thawian passes away they will be given a traditional funeral by their family. For these events, professional mourners are always hired, known as the “Cry O’re Genics”. Then the deceased is frozen and interred in a sub-zero crypt. A Thawian crypt can be identified as the words “Icy Dead People” are always carved over the entrance.

People also pray to Thaw when the icebox is taking too frigging long to defrost.

Thank you to Janet Hudson for suggesting Thaw.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Trangia – Goddess of Outdoor Cookery

April 14, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Trangia is an ancient Norse deity, who ensures a hot meal for Vikings on the go. Trangia was the daughter of the primordial elemental deity “Sausage God of Fire”. She was readily adopted by the former followers of Sausage. Sausage, demands a whole item of meat product to be cast into the fire in sacrifice every time a meal is cooked. Indeed, Sausage will often take this whether it is freely offered or not. Trangia, on the other hand, only requires a thin layer of food to be burned to the bottom of the pan (and even then she only demands this of inexperienced alfresco chefs).

Trangia is often described as a majestic beauty with flaming blue hair and a light physique. She resides in Asgard where she drinks only the strange, violet, Spirit of Methyl and dines on tablets of Hexamine. (In some traditions she is said to be a blind deity.) Trangia does not have a consort. She has met many potential matches. Sadly, although they struck it off well, each time things burned out too quickly.

Temples of Trangia are fully portable. Their graceful silver domes can be packed down to nest tightly together so they can be easily carried to the location of the next ritual. They are transported by the Temple Guard, who are a tough bunch despite their camp demeanour. Rites are usually held atop mountains, by lakes and at other sites of outstanding natural beauty. Occasionally they may be held at an outdoor event, festival or during a power cut. The great annual festival of Trangia is “The Beanfeast”, when followers of Trangia assemble in a great tent city. The church of Trangia took a pole of their follower’s during the last festival, and 100% of worshippers where upset when their tent collapsed.

A Trangian rite of worship commences with the ignition of the sacred flame. The priest will then put the kettle on, and whilst they wait for it to boil, the congregation will raise their voices in singing hymns. Perhaps the most well known of these is the haunting sacred motet “Ging-gang-goolie”. The assembled will then pass around a communal white, blue rimmed, enamel chalice of tea made with Ultra Holy Trangia milk. Then they anoint their blistered lips with sanctified unguent. At the end of the service, the officiating priest will ceremonially drop the divine brass disc to extinguish the sacred flame until next time. If is considered a bad omen should the disc fall incorrectly, requiring nudging into the correct position with the pan grip. Due to the liquids consumed, worshippers often hurry out at the end, and nip around the back for an urgent tea-pee.

Trangia protects her faithful from of bits of wood or charcoal ash invading their food. If a follower of Trangia finds a black bit in their dinner, they can rest assured that it is the remains of a suicidal insect, and therefore full of protein.

Followers of Trangia practice transcendental sexual meditation, and are said to be intents lovers. It can be hard to pin down a firm date-night with them though, as they only ever make tentative arrangements.

Trangia was suggested by Wesley Perriman, Rebecca Stothard, Erica Madelin and Dave Redford whilst we waited for the kettle to boil in a field in Derbyshire.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Low Key – God of Bassists

April 9, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 1 Comment

In the beginning there were twin brothers born to the All-Father by the goddess Gittern, and named Ego and Low Key. On their coming of age they were each gifted with an exquisite stringed musical instrument by the artisan deity Warwick God of Thumbs. They were commanded by their parents to perform a duet for the amusement of the other divine beings. At the end of this first of all gigs, Low-Key became enraged that, of the two girls that came, his brother went home with both of them. In his jealous rage he tore one (some say two) strings from his instrument and with them bound Ego down in the underworld so tightly that he was flat-wound. His brother was later freed by one of his groupies, who discovered that the way to break the binding string was with a particularly forceful slap. The young Low-Key, now left with a depleted instrument, reconciled himself to the fact that he would grow up to become a bassist. Until his parents broke the news to him that he couldn’t do both. The brothers eventually re-united and now work together as gods of music under an uneasy truce. Sadly Low Key developed a touch of rickets because Ego kept stealing all the light.

As a method of teaching of the brother’s story from the mythos of Low-Key, the temple offers relationship mediation services. People whose relationship communication has broken down are subjected to a thumping Acid-Jazz-Funk Fusion bass solo until they are forced to start talking to each other. Married couples who can sustain icy silence through more than 30 minutes of this are instantly granted a divorce.

His consort is Caritas Goddess of Soft Touches. Low Key loves Caritas for her formidable divine strength. She can lift a bass amp onto a van with one hand. Caritas soon discovered that, you are sleeping with the bass player from one band, then you will be automatically sleeping with the bass players from at least two other bands. It turns out this does not mean you will be making whoopee three times as often*. All may not be well between the lovers. It is said that every time Low-Key touches Caritas intimately, she complains that Midi the God of Keyboard Players can do it better with his left hand.

The Shrine of Low-Key is housed within the spare bedroom of the Temple of Caritas. The Shrine is stacked high with amps, flight cases, racks and cables. There is no space to hold large rites of worship here. There is only just enough room to house the sacred artefacts and for four members of the clergy to squeeze in-between to rehearse the holy beats. The sacred artefacts include an impressive collection of legendary instruments. Such as the “Manual Analogue Pitch Approximater” or “Fretless”. Perhaps the most dangerous of these is an instrument made entirely from Sodium Hydroxide. This Base Guitar will literally melt your face. All these instruments are brought out at least once a year for the annual festival of “Tuning”.

Priests of Low Key are called Bassists. Which is confusing, because those prejudiced against the lower frequencies are also known as Bassists. Each Bassist is assisted by a young neophyte technician or “Squier”. In order to graduate to full priesthood, each Squier must perform a gig at the Lee Offender’s Institute. In order to be successful, the performance must be so tremendous that the audience break their handcuffs clapping. Some brave and foolish neophytes will attempt their first gig after just two lessons.

Their current High Priest and leader is Ernie Ball. (High priesthood is level 42 of their hierarchy.) He took office when the previous High Priest, Hofner, was said to have perished when he fell over the Rickenbacker Falls. If you commit a serious offence, the High Priest will personally excommunicate and cast you out from the faith by declaring the words, “I banez you”. Bassists believe that the way the blessed get into heaven when they die is around the back, up 2 floors of fire escape, through the kitchen and across the dancefloor.

Incidentally, Latin name of the genus of fish commonly known as Bass is “Morone”. That is not a joke, but it is funny.

Thank you to Bryony Nightingale and Adam Broadhurst for each suggesting Low Key separately (Obviously two great minds that think alike). Thank you to Kris Hudson-Lee for modelling.

*Or that they are three different people

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.