Latrine – Goddess of Music Festivals

June 9, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Latrine is principally a summer Goddess. Many think she originated in the 1960s, but in fact she is much, much older. It is said she was formed from the wet earth churned by the feet and spilled beer of the first humans to gather and entertain each other with turns around the campfire. She has no permanent temple, all music festivals are her sacred spaces. Latrine has the power to maintain good spirits in any weather. No matter how much it rains, she’s never a stick in the mud.

Attending a ritual of worship for Latrine can be a full on and taxing (at 20%), though worthwhile experience. Whilst there are many small and family friendly services around the country every year, the most famous are bewilderingly huge. She is such a widely loved deity that, in order to attend the most popular gatherings, one must first engage in either a multi million pound auction, have a top notch internet connection and the fastest “refresh key finger” in the west or be prepared to throw down in a vegan street-fight. Following this one must muster one’s survival equipment and journey to try and find a patch of field big enough for your tent within a miles walk of the main stage.

Latrine has been said to apparate at honoured music festivals. There is even a photograph of the crowd watching R.E.M. play “Losing My Religion” at Glastonbury 1999 which is said to have captured one of her visitations. If you look carefully, that’s her in the corner. She seems to be divinely illuminated by a heavenly spotlight. Latrine has been known to work miracles for the musicians, performers and crew who strive to stage her rites. One legendary tale, told in revered tones in green rooms around the world, is of how she came to the rescue of The Who. Their minibus ran out of petrol on the way to the Reading Festival in 1966 on a remote country road where they could see for miles and miles with no sign of civilization. The band were just thinking “We won’t get fuelled again!” when Latrine appeared to them with a full Gerry can. They asked “Who are you?” but she just smiled and kept her secrets behind blue eyes. Henceforth this blessed vehicle has become known as The Magic Bus.

The most holy sanctuary within the festival site is the Port-a-Loo. Visiting one is an essential necessity of the proper order of worship. Inside one will receive enlightenment into the full spectrum of the human condition. If Latrine is smiling upon you, your visit will be timed just after her angels in biohazard suits with the sludge-gulper have refreshed the cubicle. For the 0.0956 nanoseconds following their visit, there will be toilet paper and a slightly less pungent odour.

The priests and priestesses of Latrine can be identified by their “Crew” wristbands and AAA laminates. Each festival their role begins as one of organisation, transitions into damage limitation, and ends as a disaster area clean up operation. Worshippers who leave a mess are not considered to be the true faithful by the inner circle. Blessed are those who use a bin. Some clergy are trained specifically as healers to man the first aid tent. They are said to be highly skilled medics as they know the difference between Placebo and The Cure. The security priests have health and safety as their paramount concern. This is why they insist that everybody looks at their hands whilst dancing. Latrine’s greatest powers are her ability to open your mind to new experiences, to create happy memories and the feeling that it was all worth it. She is also known to the Romans as “Domum Stercore”.

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Cholesterolia – Goddess of Fry-Ups

April 13, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

The saviour of the manual worker and the hung-over. She is usually considered to be a Goddess of the morning, but is actually welcome at any time of day. Cholesterolia is particularly popular in Scotland, Ireland and Gibraltar.

In the early days of her church, two distinct orders emerged. The “Red Saucers” and the “Brown Saucers”. The “Brown Saucers” then schismed further into the “HPs” and the “Daddies”. In South Yorkshire there is a heretical break away sect called the “Hendos”.

Her temples are known as “Dicula Pinguia”. Inside worshippers can partake of the service and shared meal sat on plastic chairs at Formica tables. The Priests and Priestesses are typically surly and robed in symbolically stained vestments. Religious literature is freely available, in tabloid format. On her altar stands a display of condiments, crisps, chocolate and cans. Adjacent to this is the offertory jar hopefully labelled “Tips”. The walls are adorned with scriptures listing the permitted foods, with no regard to the correct usage of any known human language. If you pass the door you might hear the sound of a meditation chant drifting out on the breeze “Ooooooooommmmmlette”.

There are certain sins which are considered deadly to followers of Cholesterolia. Chief amongst these are; letting smashed avocado anywhere near your fry up, garnishing with anything green, asking for hippy teas, and serving said fry up on anything other than a proper plate. Transgressors will be beaten until they are scrambled. (White pudding, Lorne sausage, lava bread, potato cakes, oat cakes and soda bread are all accepted regional variations.)

Her holy day is Fry-day.

Cholesterolia was inspired by the photos of gargantuan weekend fry ups that Jake Cosford, Martin Thiselton and Keith Schofield kept posting. Cholesterolia must watch over them, for they are all still slim!

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Cannula – Goddess of Blood Donors

April 1, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Cannula is the goddess of blood donors, anaesthetists and re-hydration therapy. In mythology she was the consort of the God Apheresis until they were separated. Sadly, their love was in vein.

Whilst there are a few permanent temples to Cannula, most of her places of worship are temporary pop up affairs. They will often set up in schools, village halls and community centres. There are even a few mobile “Bus Temples” touring the country.

The temples of Cannula have a distinctive “green couch and screen” theme to the décor. Inside, the faithful will exchange donations of blood for a cuppa and a fig roll. As they enter the temple, worshippers will deposit a small drop of blood in a mysterious measuring cylinder. This test ascertains whether they will act with the level of specific gravity required whilst inside. If you are found to have “blod” in your veins, then it is because you are type-o.

Offerings of tea and biscuits are left at her temple by grateful benefactors to supply the donors.

Services of worship often continue all day with visitors coming and going, very much “going with the flow”. A typical call and response chant from one of Cannula’s rites goes,
Priest 1: Oh! Negative!
Priest 2: Oh! Positive
Priest 1: Hey, negative!
Priest 2: Hey, positive!
Priest 1: Be negative!
Priest 2: Be positive!
Congregation: ‘Eeey, be positive!

Following this there will usually be a short rhesus.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Patella – Goddess of Dodgy Knees

March 30, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Some philosophers say that faith is a crutch, but the philosophy of the followers of Patella is to put their faith in a crutch.

Patella has numerous Temples around the world, including ones in; Stepney (UK), Krzywe Kolanois (Poland) and Stiffknee Knob (NC – USA). There are no stairs in Patella’s temples. Every comfortable pew is accompanied by it’s own soft pouffé for the elevation of aching limbs. Hot and cold compress hassocks are available to borrow for a small donation. All prayers are offered from a seated position. Repeated standing and kneeling for prayer is not required. Patella understands.

Patella’s Sabbath day is Saturday. The rites of Patella can induce a euphoria in her worshippers which makes them weak at the knees, known as “Saturday Night Femur”. Other faiths experience “the rapture”, followers of Patella experience “the rupture”. During services “Groaning Hymns” are sung by her choirs, accompanied by trom-bones, in perfect harmon-knee. (One of the most famous of her sacred works is Mike Oldfield’s “Tubular Bandages”.) A sacrament of rubbing alcohol and ibuprofen is shared by the congregation during the service. You are advised to partake sparingly, or you may get inkneebriated. At the close of a ritual, instead of applause, the gathered faithful will crack their joints as they rise to make a clickophony of appreciation.

They are a very benevolent religion. The faithful will always hop to it if they see an opportunity to help the kneedy. They often co-ordinate multi agency disaster relief aid, as they are really good at managing a joint effort. In addition they are big believers in justice and fairness and her church provides free legal representation to accused persons who cannot afford a legal counsel. Especially those hop less cases who don’t have a leg to stand on. Beneficiaries will confirm that they are highly skilled barristers, and have often described them as “the bee’s knees”.

Her clergy can be identified by their distinctive official headwear known as the “Knee Cap”. In countries where religions are suppressed and they must act in secret, her followers will identify themselves to one another via the secret “Limp Handshake”. The mystics of Patella, are said to be able to predict the weather via their aching joints. When a new member is inducted into the priesthood they are ceremonially anointed with Deep Heat.

Patella was Christianised as the Cornish Pre-congregation saints, the twin sisters St Fibula and St Tibia. In the Ancient Greek pantheon her equivalent is Dodgyknees, who lived in a barrel. (If you find the puns in this one too painful, just try to appreciate the iron knee.)

Thank you Rebecca Stothard for suggesting Patella

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.