Perineum – God of the Middle World

Stuck Between Heaven and a Very Dark Place.

Neither one thing nor the other in all aspects. His followers believe that the path to true happiness is indecision. If you never resolve anything, no one will ask you to do anything ever again and inner peace will be achieved. Pain and suffering occur when others force you to choose. His most famous hymn is “Meh, meh, meh, meh, s’alright I ‘s’pose”.

Each temple of Perineum is of a similar and unassuming design. They each have two doors. One pink, one brown. The most profound act of worship in this faith is to hover around the two doors to the temple nervously for an hour but never go in. Once inside, there are no pews to sit on. Instead there are rows and rows of Theological Fences upon which one must perch. Perineum’s sacred animal is the common domestic cat. His temples always have a resident sanctified clowder. They display the epitome of indecisiveness as they stand at the temple door asking to go out, and come in, and go out, and come in, and go out and come in. The primary temple of Perineum is located by the bridge over the river Biffin, in the quaint town of Tinter, (Tinter can be found in Barseshire).

One of the roles of the Priesthood of Perineum is to dispense justice. Unfortunately, no trials are ever resolved. Every single one ends in a hung jury. Never go out for a restaurant meal with a group of Perineum worshippers. Firstly, your fellow diners may never make it to the restaurant, many casualties may be trapped in their dressing rooms trying to select the perfect outfit for infinity. Even if you do manage to arrive before 6pm, you still wont have ordered by midnight. (This is probably where the dark rumours about cannibalism in the distant history of the faith stem from.) Followers of Perineum never plan their lives, they just lurch from indecision to indecision.

The most famous ancient Perineal philosopher, Maybemonides, once said, “Indecision is preferable to the terror of a wrong decision.”

In mythology Perineum is a somewhat sensitive deity, that feels like they never get enough attention. Traditionally one has to be careful not to offend Perineum. One slip and you will be in the deep brown.

Thank you to Adam Tomlinson for suggesting Perineum.

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