Tequila – Goddess of Regret

When life gives you lemons, then you need to find Tequila… …and salt. Originating amongst the ancient Mayan civilisation, Tequila may be the only holy spirit you can bottle. It is a very friendly religion. Every other follower is your besht mate in the whole damn world and you love them man.

Tequila (or Mescal in the ancient Mayan religion), was appropriated by the Catholics as Santa Margarita, her feast coinciding with Shrove Tuesday, (as in don’t forget the Jiff Lemon on Santa Margarita Day). Her sacred animal is the Tequila Mockingbird.

Her temple houses a large distillery surrounded by picturesque gardens of spiky agave plants. The air is filled with the sound of the faithful chanting the mantra “Lick, Swallow, Suck”. Visitors can obtain (in return for an offering) a bottle of Tequila’s sacred libation. The floor is pocked with innumerable dents from where thousands of pilgrims have passed out over the centuries. As the saying goes, “One Tequila, two Tequila, three Tequila, FLOOR!”.

It is said that the spirit of Tequila has many mystical powers. These include the ability to turn a dog into a fox and to make you believe that you are an Adonis when naked. Each bottle contains what appears to be a dead worm. However, it is said that after three shots of sacrament the worm will speak to you, but it will only speak utter bollocks.

The Tequilan’s have an ancient calendar but it is incomplete. Her scholars figured it wouldn’t be the end of the world if they never finished it. 

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