Latrine – Goddess of Music Festivals

June 9, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Latrine is principally a summer Goddess. Many think she originated in the 1960s, but in fact she is much, much older. It is said she was formed from the wet earth churned by the feet and spilled beer of the first humans to gather and entertain each other with turns around the campfire. She has no permanent temple, all music festivals are her sacred spaces. Latrine has the power to maintain good spirits in any weather. No matter how much it rains, she’s never a stick in the mud.

Attending a ritual of worship for Latrine can be a full on and taxing (at 20%), though worthwhile experience. Whilst there are many small and family friendly services around the country every year, the most famous are bewilderingly huge. She is such a widely loved deity that, in order to attend the most popular gatherings, one must first engage in either a multi million pound auction, have a top notch internet connection and the fastest “refresh key finger” in the west or be prepared to throw down in a vegan street-fight. Following this one must muster one’s survival equipment and journey to try and find a patch of field big enough for your tent within a miles walk of the main stage.

Latrine has been said to apparate at honoured music festivals. There is even a photograph of the crowd watching R.E.M. play “Losing My Religion” at Glastonbury 1999 which is said to have captured one of her visitations. If you look carefully, that’s her in the corner. She seems to be divinely illuminated by a heavenly spotlight. Latrine has been known to work miracles for the musicians, performers and crew who strive to stage her rites. One legendary tale, told in revered tones in green rooms around the world, is of how she came to the rescue of The Who. Their minibus ran out of petrol on the way to the Reading Festival in 1966 on a remote country road where they could see for miles and miles with no sign of civilization. The band were just thinking “We won’t get fuelled again!” when Latrine appeared to them with a full Gerry can. They asked “Who are you?” but she just smiled and kept her secrets behind blue eyes. Henceforth this blessed vehicle has become known as The Magic Bus.

The most holy sanctuary within the festival site is the Port-a-Loo. Visiting one is an essential necessity of the proper order of worship. Inside one will receive enlightenment into the full spectrum of the human condition. If Latrine is smiling upon you, your visit will be timed just after her angels in biohazard suits with the sludge-gulper have refreshed the cubicle. For the 0.0956 nanoseconds following their visit, there will be toilet paper and a slightly less pungent odour.

The priests and priestesses of Latrine can be identified by their “Crew” wristbands and AAA laminates. Each festival their role begins as one of organisation, transitions into damage limitation, and ends as a disaster area clean up operation. Worshippers who leave a mess are not considered to be the true faithful by the inner circle. Blessed are those who use a bin. Some clergy are trained specifically as healers to man the first aid tent. They are said to be highly skilled medics as they know the difference between Placebo and The Cure. The security priests have health and safety as their paramount concern. This is why they insist that everybody looks at their hands whilst dancing. Latrine’s greatest powers are her ability to open your mind to new experiences, to create happy memories and the feeling that it was all worth it. She is also known to the Romans as “Domum Stercore”.

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Yahtzee – God of Rainy Caravan Holidays

May 27, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Yahtzee originated circa 1945 when the family caravan holiday began to grow in popularity. Picture the scene: you have driven 200 miles to spend a week living in a biscuit tin on wheels and peeing in a bucket. All because the surroundings are marginally prettier than the surroundings at home. However, said bucolic idyll is obscured from view by fog and you are made a prisoner by a maelstrom. In the mind-crushing desperation of boredom, you turn to the board games chest under the couch/bed. To your horror, you discover that Scrabble has no S’s, Monopoly only has £5 in the bank and Kerplunk has lost its marbles. But lo! Great joy! The divine salvation of Yahtzee came in answer to your prayers. From the depleted detritus of lesser games, five dice are salvaged and pen and paper found.

Following the way of Yahtzee is traditionally a summer vocation. The temples of Yahtzee are tin tabernacles on wheels of varying sizes, scented with the burning of the sacred Calor Gas stove and smouldering toast incense. The faithful tow their own temple for many miles with underpowered cars on unsuitable roads to gather in groups in fields with a few basic facilities. Large gatherings of Yahtzeeites are often a cause of rage amongst locals and motorists, and have been known to be the victims of hate crime.

Worship takes place in small groups of 1-8 players. The rite is comprised of 13 symbolic rounds. Tea is traditionally drunk throughout to sustain the faithful. However, moderation is recommended as it is considered impolite to interrupt the proceedings for a tea-pee. The other sovereign rule that must be adhered to during worship is that the dice must remain in the holy chalice. Persons who transgress and drop the sacred dice will be sent on a guilt trip to refill the water reservoir.

Although worship usually takes place in family units, Yahtzeeites will often visit other groups for a session of prayer. This usually occurs when they can no longer bear the company of their own kin without murder occurring. Through this practice the children of the followers of Yahtzee form new lifetime friendships for a fortnight each year. Excursions for the worship of Yahtzee are usually a carefully planned annual event, but may also be a hasty retreat in times of spiritual crisis.

The priesthood of Yahtzee practice Astragalomancy, and one can obtain a reading in return for an offering of nibbles and snackies. What they invariably divine is that one will experience approximately an hour of being mildly entertained before one must again contemplate the bleakness of existence. Physical perfection and health is not required of the clergy. In fact the current High Priest, Roland Bones, is said to perform his out-of-offices despite suffering from a wet weak end.

Sadly, the popularity of Yahtzee began to wane slightly from the 80s onwards with the introduction of campsite games-rooms and arcades. The followers of Yahtzee abhor these, and the practice of having televisions in caravans, as they distract from the proper practice of regular worship.

Yahtzeeites believe that when they die they will go to the “Last Resort” where there is eternal sunshine…
…and a 5 star hotel.

Thank you to Adam Broadhurst for suggesting Yahtzee.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Trangia – Goddess of Outdoor Cookery

April 14, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Trangia is an ancient Norse deity, who ensures a hot meal for Vikings on the go. Trangia was the daughter of the primordial elemental deity “Sausage God of Fire”. She was readily adopted by the former followers of Sausage. Sausage, demands a whole item of meat product to be cast into the fire in sacrifice every time a meal is cooked. Indeed, Sausage will often take this whether it is freely offered or not. Trangia, on the other hand, only requires a thin layer of food to be burned to the bottom of the pan (and even then she only demands this of inexperienced alfresco chefs).

Trangia is often described as a majestic beauty with flaming blue hair and a light physique. She resides in Asgard where she drinks only the strange, violet, Spirit of Methyl and dines on tablets of Hexamine. (In some traditions she is said to be a blind deity.) Trangia does not have a consort. She has met many potential matches. Sadly, although they struck it off well, each time things burned out too quickly.

Temples of Trangia are fully portable. Their graceful silver domes can be packed down to nest tightly together so they can be easily carried to the location of the next ritual. They are transported by the Temple Guard, who are a tough bunch despite their camp demeanour. Rites are usually held atop mountains, by lakes and at other sites of outstanding natural beauty. Occasionally they may be held at an outdoor event, festival or during a power cut. The great annual festival of Trangia is “The Beanfeast”, when followers of Trangia assemble in a great tent city. The church of Trangia took a pole of their follower’s during the last festival, and 100% of worshippers where upset when their tent collapsed.

A Trangian rite of worship commences with the ignition of the sacred flame. The priest will then put the kettle on, and whilst they wait for it to boil, the congregation will raise their voices in singing hymns. Perhaps the most well known of these is the haunting sacred motet “Ging-gang-goolie”. The assembled will then pass around a communal white, blue rimmed, enamel chalice of tea made with Ultra Holy Trangia milk. Then they anoint their blistered lips with sanctified unguent. At the end of the service, the officiating priest will ceremonially drop the divine brass disc to extinguish the sacred flame until next time. If is considered a bad omen should the disc fall incorrectly, requiring nudging into the correct position with the pan grip. Due to the liquids consumed, worshippers often hurry out at the end, and nip around the back for an urgent tea-pee.

Trangia protects her faithful from of bits of wood or charcoal ash invading their food. If a follower of Trangia finds a black bit in their dinner, they can rest assured that it is the remains of a suicidal insect, and therefore full of protein.

Followers of Trangia practice transcendental sexual meditation, and are said to be intents lovers. It can be hard to pin down a firm date-night with them though, as they only ever make tentative arrangements.

Trangia was suggested by Wesley Perriman, Rebecca Stothard, Erica Madelin and Dave Redford whilst we waited for the kettle to boil in a field in Derbyshire.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.