candles – Idol Scribblings

Mascara is an anthropomorphic personification of darkness and degradation with flawless eyeliner. Mascara is more Goth than thou will ever be. They are said to have originated in the mysterious forests and mountains of north eastern Europe, the offspring of Captain Sensible (God of the Damned) and Siouxsie (Goddess of backcombing and singing on the roof).

Mascara’s temple is a macabre confection of pointed arches and carved skulls in a secret location near Whitby. It is a Temple of Love. It shines like thunder and cries like rain. Dribbly candles flutter in sconces on the walls casting deep, mysterious shadows. The only well illuminated part of the temple is the sacred mirror. All their furniture is designed by the Bauhaus school. In the heart of the Temple is a large console with hundreds of push switches. They don’t do anything. The Emos just like to sit at it and depress the buttons. The structure of the temple is supported by a frame of steel girders. Recently, the temple required major restoration. When they consulted an expert structural steel engineer from Sheffield, he looked at the girders and said “Hey now! Hey now now! Look at this corrosion sithee!”

The priesthood wear black at all times, (well, until find a darker colour). Subtle differences in dress denote membership of different orders such as; The Perkies, The Cybers, The Mopies, The Romantics, The Phetishists and The Steamers. Many wear the “corset of penance”. They haven’t done anything particularly bad, they just like it. Each priest carries a ceremonial “wand” (which is in fact more like a conical brush on a stick). During rituals of Mascara, the priesthood adopt a strange facial expression, eyes wide and mouth hanging agape as they gaze into the scared mirror.

Worshippers of Mascara were hunted and persecuted throughout much of history. In crueller times, heathen mobs (or “Townies”) would attempt to trap and castrate the male members of the faith. They would then hang the testes up in their wardrobes as a charm to off ward cloth eating vermin. This is why, in days of yore, Townies tended to smell of Goth Balls.

Before attending worship at Mascara’s temple for the first time, it is wise to practice the four key ritual dance moves to avoid scorn from the initiated. They are called; “The Big Fish”, “The Little Fish”, “The Cardboard Box” and the “Yoyo Trick-Shot”.

The first and only commandment of Mascara is, “Don’t make me cry!”.

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Mandle is the tealightful God of any and all products which are unnecessarily “gender customised” for men. There was once talk that simple products such as soap, pens and candles could be universally designed for all genders. However, such an ideas really get on Mandle’s wick. He won’ tallow such nonsense.

Following the path of Mandle is said to be spiritually illuminating. An advent-ture for the soul. Although the faith of some may taper off over the years, if you stick with it, you will eventually become enlightened. Actually, their literature says “lit”. One hopes this is metaphorical.

Every item in Mandle’s temple is specifically formulated “FOR MEN”. From the camo pattern sandpaper toilet roll in the bathroom to the He-lights on the altar. An impressive display of relics and sacred artefacts are lovingly displayed on the Mandlepiece. Perhaps the most revered of these are the Holy Packet of McCoys, the Blessed Yorkiebah and a box of giant tissues.

When visiting the temple, worshippers are encouraged to make a donation, light a small candle and pray to be more self assured. This is called the votive confidence. Whilst visiting, do take the time to try one of their “Bronuts”, a deep fried dough delicacy made and sold by the clergy.

His priests are called “Lu-menz” and the high priest is called “The Candelabro”. They are flambeauant in their worship, and attending one of their rituals is said to be guaranteed to brighten your day. Given the slightest invitation they will wax lyrical about Mandle for hours.

Followers of Mandle will look asconce at any man using a candle that is not scented with “Man Scents” such as Swarfega, guitars, gunpowder or the sweat of Chuck Norris. In fact if they see a bloke use a plain or girly scented candle they will be very put out, nae quite de-lighted.

Mandle’s divine consort is the deity Jillette, who is the best Mandle can get. (Jillette known for being a little unstable. They will reveal the goddess in you, but is also likely to cut you.)

Mandle was suggested by Sarah Shepton @afishoutofwtf

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Tag: candles

Mascara – The Gothic Deity

Mandle – God of Unnecessarily Gender Specified Products