Wigan – God of Pi and Pie

March 14, 2021 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Wigan, the deity of Pie and Pi, is without pier amongst the gods. He, and his divine consort Ashet exist in a pattypantheon of their own. Beloved by mathematicians, bakers and gourmets alike, who see him as the sauce of all goodness (mint sauce to be precise). He is the only god who has managed to calculate the circumference, surface area and volume of the celestial spheres. His followers have no time for other religions, they believe that only their god is pukka. They believe that Wigan created the first man from pastry dough, and then crafted the first woman from one of the man’s kidneys. Later in the tale, the woman is tempted to eat the Apple Pie of Knowledge by a serpent. This is known as the Snake and Kidney theory of creation.

The cult of Wigan is divided into two sects. The high church for the upper crust, and the low church (affectionately known as Greggs) for everyone else. What all followers of Wigan agree on is their violent opposition to anyone calling some stew with a little puff pastry hat a “pie”. According to them, this dish should more correctly be called an “Anathema”. They also strive to reject and thwart the upstart false idol “Tau” at every turn. (Tau thinks he’s twice as good as the God of Pi).

The priesthood of Wigan are renowned for their great pie-ety. A neophyte must study baking and mathematics for many years before being accepted into this circle. Their final assessment hinges on writing a scholarly paper about pies with sweet fillings, known as a “dessertation”. Many lay folk think that someone must be irrational to want to train as a priest of Wigan. In truth, they are just really turned on by geometry or, as the Wiganites describe, it “pisexual”. The priesthood are led by a triumvirate, currently these leaders are Sir Cumference (also known as Number 3), Ms Di Ameter (Number 1) and Mr Ray Deus (Number 4). They are the three significant figures of the faith. Other important figures in the cult are Pontius Pielot (whose job it is to make sure worshippers wash their hands before breaking a crust together), Magnum Pi (who is their head of temple security or “crustodian”), the Pied Piper (head of music) and Crustifex Maximus (the chef de cuisine). In their quest to push the boundaries of human knowledge, the priesthood of Wigan divided the circumference of the moon by its diameter, and the circumference of the earth by its diameter. They were disappointed to discover that there was absolutely no difference between Earth Pi and Moon Pi.

Circus clowns are considered to be paladins of the faith, and a custard pie fight is a holy war. Many famous painters have been inspired to depict the devastation that ensues. So at least it puts t’art on t’walls.

The temple of Wigan is similar in shape to the Royal Albert Hall. Unlike the Albert Hall, an elegant ceramic chimney pot rises from the centre of its roof which is styled to look like a singing bird. When the priests are baking, the smoke of their ovens rises from its upstretched beak. The architecture is decorated throughout with little fleur de lys motifs. As you enter you will see a sign by the door that says, “No Pies Are Left in This Temple Overnight”. Once inside you will see that the interior is dominated by a large statue of Wigan which urinates hot, rich gravy. This holy work of art is known as the “Mannequin Pi”. In front of this fountain stands the altar. A two legged stone table, with one leg straight and the other elegantly curved. If you plan to visit the temple, be advised that all worshippers are required to leave an offering on the altar in a small disposable foil tray. You are also strongly advised to wear a wipe clean hat as the temple is also home to Wigan’s flock of four and twenty sacred blackbirds.

The great festival of Wigan is celebrated on the 14^th of March every year. This involves a rite where many pies are brought forth to be shared by the congregation. Before they are eaten, the officiating priest chops 1 and 1/3 of the pies into square chunks (in other words, 4/3 Pie are cubed). This is all done to the accompaniment of a choir singing the holy number (a performance which never ends). The ritual ends with the priest declaring, “Rejoice! Crust is risen! Go in mushy peas.”

Happy Pi Day everyone!

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Houmous – God of Dips

November 3, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Houmous is the deity to get your party started on a Saturday night. As you enter his temple you will see niches to either side of the door holding bowls of Tzatziki. Use some of this to make the sign of the Benevolent Breadstick on your forehead as you cross the threshold.

In the Temple grounds a plethora of sesame, chick peas and garlic are lovingly grown. Just beyond the grounds is the ranch where the sacred herd of yoghurt cows roam and graze a lush paddock. The temple itself is made of cut crystal, and is divided into sections to house different flavours of the faith.

Inside the beat is always dropping and the lights are always low. Worshippers may be reclining on chaise, performing ritual dances or be engaged in deep theological discussion about the nacho versus the crisp. All the while the neophytes circle the room bearing laden platters of nibbles and bowls of delicious sauces.

Whispers speak of secret orgiastic rites, held in the inner sanctum, where the participants paint their naked bodies with taramasalata and engage in wild salsa dancing.

The 5 Commandments of Houmous are;
1. Thou shall not double dip.
2. Thou shall not dip meat products when there are vegetarians at the party.
3. Thou shall not buy long life dips in jars unless thou art already really drunk or thy fridge be broken.
4. Thou shall wash thy hands.
5. Thou shall use a cover during fly season.

Worshippers of Houmous believe that if they live a life of virtue according to these commandments, when they die they will go to an eternal paradise known as “The Thousand Islands”. If you transgress the commandments you will be damned to eternity in a dismal underworld where the only things to eat are low fat plain yoghurt and celery. The high priest of Houmous is called the Baba Ghanoush.

Houmous is known amongst his pantheon as a particularly foul mouthed deity. He is always coming out with loads of crudités. He is accompanied everywhere by “The Cheesehog”, a terrifying minor deity of children’s birthday parties.

Thank you to Ken Page for suggesting Houmous.

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Pondus Custoda – Goddess of Diet Clubs

May 4, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Pondus Custoda is the Goddess of those who seek a slimmer figure and of couples that have decided that “We” are going on a diet. In reality, she is more efficient at taking Pounds off you than at taking pounds off you. Worship of Pondus Custoda is incredibly popular for about three weeks every January, but then tails off throughout the year. There is often a brief resurgence of popularity in May. Groups of neophytes who join at this time are known as “The Summer Body”. Her divine consort is Jim – God of Memberships Which are Only Used Once.

Pondus Custoda does not have any dedicated temples. Instead groups of her followers will gather at a set time every week in a hired space. These spaces are sometimes within the temples of other Deities! The priestess brings with her the accoutrements of the ritual, including the Scales of Judgement, The Banner of Corporate Identity (bearing her motto “Numquam Relinquere”), and the Stall of Sacred Foods.

Should you attend a ritual of Pondus Custoda, it is advisable to drop any children you may have with you off at the pool first, and to wear light clothing. This will grant you the inner space and lightness of being required to fully appreciate the proceedings. As you enter, you first have to pass over the Scales of Judgement and be counted. Once one has completed this ordeal, one must then run the gauntlet of the Stall of Sacred Foods for sale. These are produced by the clergy. Due to their holy and blessed nature, these treats command a premium price. Each food is carefully calorie counted. Here you can purchase a chocolate bar that is only 90 calories. It is only 90 calories because it’s f***ing minuscule. However, since it is only 90 calories, you can probably have two. If one requires something fractionally more substantial, they also have their famous “Sawdust Bars”, “Salt and Vinegar Polystyrene Flakes” and “Bags of Dust – Teriyaki Flavour”. Should you miss this stall as you enter, do not fret. Your attention will be directed to it frequently though out the rest of the service.

Once the brief social period is concluded, the worshippers will gather on hard plastic chairs for a sermon by the High Priestess. This will contain highly questionable dietary advice and clumsy use of amateur psychology. Subtle erosion of the self-confidence of the congregation will also take place, to try and ensure they are not too successful in achieving their goals, and so keep coming back. Then the worshippers will form a “non-judgemental circle of judgement” and confess their syns to one another in a group therapy style. At the end of the service, the congregation usually stampedes to the nearest curry house or chip shop (the faster they run, the more points they earn to be consumed on arrival). These souls live in hope that they can expunge the effects of this “treat day” by the time of next week’s service.

One aspect of the rite, much loathed by followers, is the compulsory sacrifice of a piece of fruit to the acolyte who has lost the most body mass that week. This practice is so derided that, at one chapter in Yorkshire, they have been exchanging the same tin of Lidl Plum Tomatoes every week for over a year in protest.

Should an acolyte be spectacularly successful in achieving their goal weight against these odds, they will be lauded and feted by the church, and accede to a status akin to saint-hood. They will often be turned into a life sized cardboard cut-out icon (literally) and exhibited to inspire the flock.

In theory, religious service to Pondus Custoda is open to all genders. However, I have only ever seen priestesses. All priestesses are former acolytes who have gone through the programme and previously been successful, even though that success is not always well maintained. This is considered adequate training, and formal qualifications in nutrition, psychiatry and health care are not required. One tradition of the clergy of Pondus Custoda is their quirky pronunciation of the word “alcohol” as “alker-roll”.

The church of Pondus Custoda is often perceived as something of a cult. Join for a free trial, and you’ll soon be weigh in to it. Try to stop going, and you will receive an avalanche of post cards saying “wish you were here”, to send you on a guilt trip back to the true path. On return, you will have to pay a fine for your absence, the amount increasing for each week you were away (holiday weeks must be booked in advance). They take religious attendance even more seriously than Queen Elizabeth I did in 1558, and the fine is much higher than 12 pence a week. If you really want to leave, it is probably just easiest to move house.

Pondus Custoda was suggested by Di and Garth Oxley-Wilden. Thank you for this genius idea and for all your contributions to her development.

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Madhur – Goddess of the Great British Curry

April 30, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 1 Comment

Gentle Goddess of British Curries, Writers, Travellers and Actresses, Madhur is a Jack of all trades and a Master of Naan.

She originated when the people of 20th century Britain realised that their food was monotonous bland crap and they desperately needed “Some of that foreign muck” to stave off the culinary ennui. Madhur was their saviour from the east, from the silver screen to the soup tureen. Now she is truly taken into their hearts.

You will almost certainly be first drawn to Madhur’s temple (or Dawat) by the delicious cooking aromas. Any visitor knocking at her temple door is warmly invited to cumin. (You may want to wear an extra layer of clove-ing, it can be a little chilli inside.) It is traditional for visitors to her temple to leave an offering of Biryani, known as the “Sacrifrice”.

Madhur is served by both priests and priestesses, known as “Madhur’s Dhalings”. The priesthood usually live in the temple where they each have a madras to sleep on with a pilau to rest their head. Priests traditionally wear tiny tight swimming trunks beneath their vestments, known as “Bhaji Smugglers”. This is why they always sit down gingerly. When the High Priestess is feeling a little down, the other priestesses will play some of the music of Karnataka to pep her up.

This is a religion characterised by a positive attitude to life amongst its devotees. In fact, they see positivity the ghee to success. They also believe in the balance of energy in the universe, or “Korma”. Followers of Madhur will cheerfully greet each other with a warm “Aloo!”. When something needs doing, they do it raita way, it is frowned upon to just sit around on your anise. When under stress they do their best to keep calm and karahi on.

(All jokes and puns above are homage and intended indiabsolute nicest possible way.)

Thank you to Adam Broadhurst for suggesting Madhur.

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Garnish – God of Superfluous Vegetables

April 20, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Garnish is a purely decorative deity. He is particularly associated with any fruit or vegetable one would never normally eat on its own, such as parsley, lemons and radishes carved into the shape of roses. He crops up in slight variations in many pantheons, but is thought to have originally been a Romaine God.

In all traditions his consort is the Goddess Dirti Martini. She is a little salty. However, he is said to not always be faithful, and to have pursued mortal lovers. You will know if Garnish has amorous intentions towards you as he will send you a dick pickle.

Garnish’s temple is instantly recognisable by the paper parasol, pineapple wedge and sparkler sticking out of the chimney. It is always artfully presented and kept in mint condition. Adjacent to the Temple is a cemetery where the distinguished followers of Garnish are berried. Inside the temple, tiny offerings of artfully arranged foodstuffs are placed on the altar daily. They joke that one should never eat an offering to Garnish oneself, and it may be that many a true word spoken is ingest. Or maybe Garnish actually doesn’t grately carrot all.

Followers of Garnish will acknowledge one another with the greeting “Olive you!”. Every rite in his temple begins with the line, “Lettuce pray”. A common meditative aid used by followers of Garnish is to draw intricate Mandalas on oversized white plates using “jus” or “coulis”.

The current High Priest is called Elvis Parsley, his consort Rosemary serves as High Priestess. Together they are responsible for spreading good chives and delivering sage advice. They always make thyme for their congregation and love grows where Rosemary goes. Sadly, despite serving him with relish, all the clergy of Garnish have their wages deducted slightly each month.

One specialist sect of Garnish’s priesthood are researchers in Molecular Biology. They have succeeded in engineering several new species. The most popular of these may be the “Pimento Olive”. The genes of a pepper were spliced into a green olive tree so that a tiny piquant pepper grows inside each olive in place of the stone.

The first commandment of Garnish is: Avacadon’t.

Thank you to Kris Hudson-Lee @nomenloony for suggesting Garnish.

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