Garnish – God of Superfluous Vegetables

Garnish is a purely decorative deity. He is particularly associated with any fruit or vegetable one would never normally eat on its own, such as parsley, lemons and radishes carved into the shape of roses. He crops up in slight variations in many pantheons, but is thought to have originally been a Romaine God.

In all traditions his consort is the Goddess Dirti Martini. She is a little salty. However, he is said to not always be faithful, and to have pursued mortal lovers. You will know if Garnish has amorous intentions towards you as he will send you a dick pickle.

Garnish’s temple is instantly recognisable by the paper parasol, pineapple wedge and sparkler sticking out of the chimney. It is always artfully presented and kept in mint condition. Adjacent to the Temple is a cemetery where the distinguished followers of Garnish are berried. Inside the temple, tiny offerings of artfully arranged foodstuffs are placed on the altar daily. They joke that one should never eat an offering to Garnish oneself, and it may be that many a true word spoken is ingest. Or maybe Garnish actually doesn’t grately carrot all.

Followers of Garnish will acknowledge one another with the greeting “Olive you!”. Every rite in his temple begins with the line, “Lettuce pray”. A common meditative aid used by followers of Garnish is to draw intricate Mandalas on oversized white plates using “jus” or “coulis”.

The current High Priest is called Elvis Parsley, his consort Rosemary serves as High Priestess. Together they are responsible for spreading good chives and delivering sage advice. They always make thyme for their congregation and love grows where Rosemary goes. Sadly, despite serving him with relish, all the clergy of Garnish have their wages deducted slightly each month.

One specialist sect of Garnish’s priesthood are researchers in Molecular Biology. They have succeeded in engineering several new species. The most popular of these may be the “Pimento Olive”. The genes of a pepper were spliced into a green olive tree so that a tiny piquant pepper grows inside each olive in place of the stone.

The first commandment of Garnish is: Avacadon’t.

Thank you to Kris Hudson-Lee @nomenloony for suggesting Garnish.

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