Hipster – Idol Scribblings

Futon is the saviour of: gap year students, couch surfers, disgraced spouses, musicians on tour, inebriated post-party people, and guys who said something stupid and blew their chances after being invited in for coffee and the last bus. Also known as Zed, Camp or Murphy. He is also the God of Poor Compromises.

Futon is a deity who has wandered and explored the whole world with his jazz dot and djembe in search of himself. (Unless you have about three days to spare DO NOT ask him about it). He has absorbed aspects of many different cultures since his origin in Japan. Kind of like a collection of historic mattress stains from around the world. His appearance has become heavily westernised as his popularity has spread. He originally had two avatars “Shikifuton” and “Kakefuton”.

The way of Futon is a very fatalistic philosophy. They believe that; nothing really mattress, the way to achieve inner peace is to chair less and that flexibility in an uncertain world is key to being bedder than all the rest.

Futon’s temple is renowned for providing accommodation for the stranded and the needy day or night. If you attend a ritual or rite of worship at Futon’s temple you will be initially impressed at the seating provided for worshippers with it’s downy padding. However, this will somehow, magically become less and less pleasant over time. Unless you are under 25, you will leave the temple half crippled. In fact, if you are under 25 you will probably think Futon is pretty (sic.) sick, if you are over 25 you will probably find him to be a bit of a pretentious twat who makes you uncomfortable. However, when no other deity is available to give you spiritual rest, he is better than nothing. Just.

I strongly advise you not to heed the family planning guidance issued by Futon’s sect. It has been found to be woefully inaccurate. It is, in fact, still possible to get pregnant on a pull-out bed. (Although, Futon does have the power to make lovers disappear, and so may be effective in that way.)

There is a variation of Yoga associated with the worship of Futon. It only has two asanas “Sit” and “Lay”.

Thank you to Adam Broadhurst for suggesting Futon. As a touring musician with the excellent band Under a Banner, I believe he has a great deal of experience of this deity.

Idol Scribblings Volume Two
Coming out 30th November 2020

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A collection of 52 deities, ancient and modern, for all occations from Idol Scribblings. Produced in 2019-2020.

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If you thought the dietary rules of Halal, Kashrut or the Bhagavad Gita were hard to follow, you haven’t tried following the way of Quinoa. He is an underground deity who goes against the grain. In the story of his origin, he was a mortal man who drowned in the mainstream but was resurrected and elevated to god-hood by…
…well, you’ve probably never heard of him.

The first person to follow the way of Quinoa did it, “About, like 100 years before anyone else did, man”. The rest say they are doing it ironically. Followers of Quinoa always have burnt tongues because they ate their food before it was cool. They can be distinguished by their excessively product laden, obsessively groomed facial hair, heavy framed glasses with plain glass in them and their red trousers. They often ride to the temple on Penny-farthing bicycles.

There are regular rites held in Quinoa’s temples. These are mainly long winded lectures on artisanal food production based on tenuous science. The cult of Quinoa encourages the use of microwaves. They don’t like conventional ovens. The section of the service that would be called the “sermon” in other churches, is known as the “Quinoa-Oat” address. There are occasionally live performances of sacred music on sackbut, glockenspiel and didgeridoo. However, more often, music is provided from recordings on VINYL, ALWAYS VINYL!

At Quinoa’s temple one can also purchase a cup of refreshing coffee that is made from locally sourced ingredients and is free from dairy, sugar, coffee and the dreaded dihydrogen monoxide. Though, it does come with vegan, organic sprinkles. When you hear how much it costs, you’ll say ” ‘kin wha’ ?!”

Quinoa can be a wrathful god. Referring to him as a “Hipster Deity” is the ultimate blasphemy and will incur an immediate smiting.

Thank you to Adam Broadhurst for suggesting Quinoa.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Tag: Hipster

Futon – God of Temporary Sleeping Arrangements

Quinoa – God of Faddy Diets