If you thought the dietary rules of Halal, Kashrut or the Bhagavad Gita were hard to follow, you haven’t tried following the way of Quinoa. He is an underground deity who goes against the grain. In the story of his origin, he was a mortal man who drowned in the mainstream but was resurrected and elevated to god-hood by…
…well, you’ve probably never heard of him.
The first person to follow the way of Quinoa did it, “About, like 100 years before anyone else did, man”. The rest say they are doing it ironically. Followers of Quinoa always have burnt tongues because they ate their food before it was cool. They can be distinguished by their excessively product laden, obsessively groomed facial hair, heavy framed glasses with plain glass in them and their red trousers. They often ride to the temple on Penny-farthing bicycles.
There are regular rites held in Quinoa’s temples. These are mainly long winded lectures on artisanal food production based on tenuous science. The cult of Quinoa encourages the use of microwaves. They don’t like conventional ovens. The section of the service that would be called the “sermon” in other churches, is known as the “Quinoa-Oat” address. There are occasionally live performances of sacred music on sackbut, glockenspiel and didgeridoo. However, more often, music is provided from recordings on VINYL, ALWAYS VINYL!
At Quinoa’s temple one can also purchase a cup of refreshing coffee that is made from locally sourced ingredients and is free from dairy, sugar, coffee and the dreaded dihydrogen monoxide. Though, it does come with vegan, organic sprinkles. When you hear how much it costs, you’ll say ” ‘kin wha’ ?!”
Quinoa can be a wrathful god. Referring to him as a “Hipster Deity” is the ultimate blasphemy and will incur an immediate smiting.
Thank you to Adam Broadhurst for suggesting Quinoa.
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