Flatula – Goddess of Girl Farts

Not the most popular deity, and rarely worshipped in confined spaces. The ethos of Flatula is “Wherever you be, let your wind blow free”. She is considered uncouth by approximately 50% of people, the rest find her hilarious. The Flatula mythology contains a devil figure called “Yakult” who continually seeks to destroy Flatula’s divine wind. Her consort is “Throu” God of Digestion. It is generally considered to be better to follow Flatula than to follow Throu.

Followers of Flatula traditionally greet each other with their index finger outstretched and the words “Digitus meus trahere”. They adhere to a strict diet of only beans, mushy peas, cauliflower and eggs in order to ensure a constant production of poius maft.

The vestments of her clergy are designed to lift and waft humorously at the slightest zephyr. At their initiation into the priesthood they will be given a tattoo of a stylised gust of wind on their arms. This is known as “wearing your fart on your sleeve”. The priestesses of Flatula are renowned as skilled physicians. Should you consult them, they will perform a thorough diagnosis which will include taking your fart rate.

The temples of Flatua have elegant, sculpted frontage supported by shapely columns, topped by a fringed pelmet. There are many unglazed windows, to ensure adequate ventilation. Inside the walls are decorated with aesthetic airbrushed murals. These are created by the artist blowing paint the onto the wall using their bottom breath. This distinctive style is known as Pop Fart. There is no limit to the time one may remain in her temple and admire the paintings, you can stay to your fart’s content.

The temple musicians play throughout the day in her honour. Her best known pieces of sacred music include “Fanfare for the Common Woman”, “There Goes the Elephant” and “Shoot that Duck”. The only instruments permitted to be played in her temple are the Kazoo, the rattle and the sackbutt.

Flatula is closely associated with the Viking Goddess Queef. She has many variants in pantheons across the world, she seems to be a deity who resonates with many people. Ironically, should Flatula appear to you, you should not break wind before her. It’s her turn.

Flatula was suggested by Kris Hudson-Lee

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