Whenever a legend dies and leaves a musical legacy, Elvish will send one of his followers to keep their memory alive. His followers believe that, if they devote their lives to honouring their chosen bard, after their own death they will go to heaven, known to them as Graceland. They try to pursue their spiritual journey whilst defending their faith against suspicious minds. Neophytes begin their journey as members of the “Tribute Audience” for the higher ranking acolytes.
Followers are welcomed from all walks of life. Perhaps remembering that Elvish himself had unusually humble beginnings. His parents were lowly Hearth Gods of Baking, and he was born in the gateaux.
The Temples of Elvish have brightly lit, attention grabbing, frontages with neon signboards. His largest and chief Temple is located in Las Vegas. This temple houses many sacred relics such as the original “Jailhouse Rock”, the holy Teddy Bear and a huge collection of Good Luck Charms. The Temple is actually built around an ancient tree which forms the wooden heart of the structure.
If you visit his Temple you may get to hear a rendition of one of Elvish’s most well known hymns, it goes “Sing Hosanna to the King, Baby.” On your visit you may also get the honour of meeting current High Priest of Elvish, Mr Amaal Shoukup. If you need guidance you can consult the Pelvic Oracle who also resides in the temple. You won’t find Elvish himself there though. Elvish has left the building.
The Priesthood can be recognised by their distinctive white vestments adorned with precious gems of Rhine Zirconia. They move softly around the compound in their blue suede shoes. Every day they devote many hours to vocal training, dressmaking and pelvic exercises.
The priesthood run a wide range of eateries to raise funds for their church and costumes. These range from the humble “Ain’t Nothin’ but a Hotdog”* and “The Wonder of Stew” to the Michelin Starred “Art Steak Hotel**”. All provide excellent quality fare, and are recommended to those who love meat tender. All these eateries celebrate an annual festival of Elvish where they give away free fruit. So be sure to visit one on “Unchained Melon Day”. Not all catering ventures are run by the priesthood though, some chefs fraudulently claim membership. There’s a guy works down our chip shop who swears he’s Elvish, but he’s a liar.
Be sure to welcome Elvish into your life. Thanks to his followers he is available for Birthdays, Weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. Oh yeah. Uh huh huh. Thankyouverymuch.
Thank you to Jerome Perks for suggesting Elvish (and to STP who also made that joke, but in another way***).
*If you want to be cryin’ all the time, onions are extra.
** Why yes! It IS down at the end of a lonely street.
*** And in tribute I am cramming in as many footnotes as I can.
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