Gorgonzola – Goddess of Cheese Dreams

A terrifying ancient deity of the realm of nightmares, worshipped across five counties and beyond. Her popularity is inter-Comte-nental. One look at Gorgonzola is said to drive you crackers. Completely Emmental. Her snarling visage is webbed with blue veins and she carries a vicious hooked knife and cheese wire. Gorgonzola has spawned many lactic phantasm offspring known as “The Little Baby Cheeses”. She rides a mythical steed called the “Care-Filly” Her sacred animals are the Welsh Rabbit and the Laughing Cow, and the Primula is her holy flower.

Her cult is a shamanistic one. Her followers will ritualistically gorge on dairy products to induce a transcendental nightmare state. There are special preparation rites for making the “dark cheeses” where Edam is made backwards.

Every morning her followers must perform a ritual whereby they stand directly in front of a mirror, look into their own eyes, raise their right hand in a gesture of greeting and chant “Hallou me”. When on a ship, her followers partake in a ritual where they gather on one side and raise their hands to their heads in reverence. This is known as the Port Salut. Following Gorgonzola is a whey of life. The motto of Gorgonzola’s followers is, “Stilton is for life, not just for Christmas.”

The senior priest can be recognised by his great height. He is not, in fact, tall. He just always has his sacred stilt on. The priesthood wear muslin robes. They did experiment with making vestments from cheese slices, but it didn’t work. They discovered that fromage frays. The clergy call the faithful to prayer by ringing baby bells.

Her shrine is located near Wensleydale in a complex system of well-guarded natural caves. Meaning worshippers must pick their way past a rock fort and across a lot of de-brie to get to it. Then they must cross a lake of stringy molten cheese, known as the “Moatzarella”. Deep within the shrine is a statue of Gorgonzola. In order to make the statue survive the damp cave conditions the priests painted it. (In fact they double glossed her.) 

Gorgonzola was later Christianised as St. Agur.

Thank you to Pascal Harper for suggesting Gorgonzola (Sorry if all these cheese jokes are nacho cup of tea.)

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