Candida – Goddess of Itchy Privates and Plain Speaking

Candida is a goddess with a very pale complexion and a constant expression of torment. If you are visited by Candida, unlike other deities, she will deliver her directions in no uncertain terms. She can sometimes be a little rash. You won’t get vague portents or metaphors from this goddess!

In her origin mythology she is said to have originally have been simply the Goddess of Blunt Truths. She was laid low by an attack from the furious Demon Bacterium (because the truth hurts). She was saved by the Goddess Penicillin, but was left with a sense of constant irritation and pH imbalance.

Her principle temple is located near Scratchy Bottom on the South Coast. Possibly due to the proximity to the sea, there is a distinct piscine aroma to the place. Her clergy move around the compound using the ceremonial walk, short steps with knees held together and fingers clenched. Any priest or priestess caught walking normally will be given a dishonourable discharge.

Throughout her services her devotees will sit on their hands with their legs crossed as they listen to a forthright sermon. The temple houses a particularly ornate mighty organ, which is decorated with an intricate relief depicting cavorting crabs. It is played at every service and the congregation must loudly applaud. The organist tends to get upset if they don’t get the clap every week. For some reason, peas are usually served at temple meals. One should never attempt to steal peas from a priestess’s plate. Those are her peas. Yogurt is also regularly served. Just not at meal times.

Candida is also known as “Throssel”, “The Beast from the Yeast” and “Lady Chalk of Billingsgate”. She was assimilated by the early Celtic church and Christianised as Saint Albicans. Thrushes are her sacred animals. 

Thank you to Sarah Shepton @Afishoutofwtf for suggesting Candida.

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