Philtrum – God of Things That Are Right Under Your Nose

Philtrum is normally associated with Monday mornings, but he also does post bank holiday Tuesdays. He is especially worshipped by persons over the age of forty and stressed people. Philtrum specialises in keys, pens, phones and anything you just put down a moment ago. He also does glasses on foreheads. One time when he couldn’t find his laurels, he was resting on them.

Temples of Philtrum are designed on a theme of “Lost Halves of Pairs”. The floor is carpeted with a quilt of odd socks, and the curtains are made from a textile collage of lost gloves. It is illuminated by chandeliers made from single earrings and cufflinks. There are many comfortable sofas upholstered with a fabric woven from shoelaces.  The defences around the temple are fortified against infidels by having thousands of lost, single knitting needles set into the top of the wall pointing skywards.

The correct procedure for visiting a Temple of Philtrum is to walk in, stare blankly into space for a moment, meditate upon what it was you went in for, and then leave again quietly with the minimum possible embarrassment. If you do decide to stay a while, take a seat on one of the comfy sofas and contemplate what you are searching for. Then try reaching down the back of said sofa. Seek and ye may find if Philtrum sees fit to answer your prayers.

The priests of Philtrum are known as “Searchers”. They aspire to achieve vagueness in all things. The idea being that if you don’t know where anything is anyway, do you ever truly lose something? This only applies to the personal life of a devoted acolyte though. The priests also serve to help the lay congregation find what they have mislaid.

The sacred Book of Philtrum is called “The Libro de Claris”. The original copy has not been seen in years. They may have lent it to someone. The following is a short extract from the text:

Perdue, a man of the town, cried in his torment, “Oh mighty Philtrum! Have you seen my wallet? I know I had it only a moment ago.”  And Philtrum replied, “Well, where did you last have it?”. Perdue said, “I put it down on the kitchen table, oh Lord, but it isn’t there now.” In his wisdom Philtrum spake, “Have you tried looking in the fridge?”. Perdue looked in the fridge, and by a divine miracle against all the physical laws of the universe, lo there was his wallet by the sausages. He cried, “Praise be to Philtrum! For now I shall be on time for my date and I am on a promise.”

Followers of Philtrum indicate their membership of the faith by carrying extra large ceremonial handkerchiefs… …which they can never find when they need them.

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