Barclay Spank – Goddess of Financial Dominatrices

Barclay Spank is an extremely English deity. She is a goddess of finance and fantasy, and she always has a passion to perform. She came into her present form in the 1980’s amid the hedonistic days of Thatcher cuts and Yuppie excess. Originally a deity of public sector workers, she looked for a career move that would mean she got screwed less, and representing the sex industry seemed ideal. She was so popular with financial sector workers, that she is now irrevocably associated with them. He Temple, or should we say “Secure Vault”, is at a secret location somewhere beneath in the Square Mile.

The ethos behind the cult of Barclay Spank is that all powerful men in suits are just revolting, naughty little boys who need to be punished. That enlightenment and betterment of the soul can be achieved through total immersion role play and a good spanking. This is an exclusive church only for the affluent. If you wish to join the church of Barclay Spank, one must undergo financial scrutiny. The capital, number one question they will ask you is “What’s in your wallet?” If you pass this test, you must then invest in her “Bonds” to become a full member. You really do have to get into her stocks. Conversely, the richer you are, the lower you will rank within the faith. Billionaires can expect to be on shoe licking duty at the door.

There are a number of different types of “service” one can attend at a Temple of Barclay Spank. Each costs a differing fee to partake in. For the lowest fee, one can visit the temple for a little light humiliation and TSB until you say “Yes!”

The premium rate service involves being roughly picked up by a burly priest in black leather, restrained and transported to the temple in the back of an armoured van. They will collect you from anywhere in the world for a standard rate. (Except Halifax. That’s extra). Once at the temple, her priestesses and priests will restrain you on a St Howard’s Cross, tied at the ankles and wrists using metal bobble chains with pens on the end. Suspended here, one will have opportunity for meditation, being scourged of one’s sins by being beaten on the behind with a business banking chequebook, and begging the goddess for forgiveness / more. This rite climaxes when the officiating priests and priestesses pour a sack of sovereigns over your head. This part of the ritual is known as “The Golden Shower”.

Many worshippers have become slavishly devoted to Barclay Spank. Given the high fees demanded, they are regularly strapped for cash. If you are wondering where all the money went from the losses of the Noughties Banking Crisis, all I can say is that the goddess has bulging coffers.

It is important to remember that all practices in the cult of Barclay Spank are “HSBC” – Hopefully Sane, Bountiful and Consensual. If you need out, you just have to shout out “Equivoque”. This is the safe word pun.

Barclay Spank is accompanied everywhere by her consort Lloyd Spank – God of Bodyguards. (He is always by your side). Her most celebrated prophet was “Master Card”. He was a contortionist and founded the cult of Barclay Spank so that people could access her divine blessing. He was famously a Switch. He is often referred to as her “Flexible Friend”.

I would tell you more about Barclay Spank, but I think you’ve had enough pun-ishment for today.

Barclay Spank came about when we realised how many terms banking and kink shared. The puntential was too much to resist. Thanks to Pascal Harper for his excellent bankink pun suggestions.

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