Mana Mana is just one of the many deities of music. Their provinces are hooks, jingles, and catchy tunes. Unlike most other deities, Mana Mana is known to regularly possess the minds of mortal humans. They enter minds via the airwaves and set up home near the auditory nerve. Once installed they will repeatedly sing the last catchy song you heard. Unfortunately, they rarely know all the words, and usually only know the chorus, or even just the bit that goes “diddly qua qua, diddly qua qua”. Thanks to the miracle of modern broadcasting technology their powers of possession are prolific. They are capable of possessing thousands or even millions of human minds at any one time. Affecting believers and non-believers alike.
If you are possessed by Mana Mana the experience can last for anything from a couple of hours to a week. For a non-believer his possession may, at first, be merely mildly irritating, but after an extended period possession has been known to drive even strong minds to insanity. Many methods of shortening a possession by Mana Mana have been suggested and tried. These include listening to the particular tune Mana Mana is singing to you properly, chewing gum, naked dancing with ritual chanting and listening to Radio 4. However, the only known sure-fire method to end a possession is to drive a railroad spike through your head.
Far from trying to banish possessions prematurely, acolytes of Mana Mana cherish the experience of possession and will seek to maintain an earwyrm for as long as possible. There is a fundamentalist sect who fast for long periods, denying themselves all corporeal sustenance. In order to achieve this they enter a trance-like state of meditative communication with Mana Mana. Using this method, they are able to spend several weeks at a time living on a prayer. The High Priest of Mana Mana is Joe Pasquale. He was appointed as he knows a lot of songs that will get on your nerves.
The sect of Mana Mana may be the most prolific and most gregarious of all religions. Once you enter the faith, you will quickly get to know everyone. In fact, you are likely to run into a fellow worshipper almost anywhere you may go. It’s a small world after all. Every year followers of Mana Mana gather for a great festival. They celebrate with a great masquerade ball where the celebrants dress as infant sea creatures and dance the night away. This shindig is known as “The Baby Shark Doo”. The following day they observe their “Day of the Dead (Ringer For Love)” and hold a ceremony where the priesthood will form a circle in a graveyard. The high priest will then solemnly chant the words “Sweet Caroline”. If you listen closely, from beneath the soil, one will hear thousands of withered voices respond “Da Da Daaaaaah”.
The Blessed Gloria Gaynor is celebrated for almost becoming a martyr to the faith of Mana Mana. After belting out one catchy anthem too many she was cruelly beaten by a mob of heretics just outside the North Yorkshire town of Knaresborough. Then she was bodily thrown into Mother Shipton’s well. First she was affrayed, then she was petrified. After that she had to go and live in Ambleside. I would tell you then rest of the story, but you all already know that she will survive.
The Temple of Mana Mana is located on Bennie Hill and has a large aerial on the roof which broadcasts “Mana Mana Gold FM – Infuriating Classic Pop Hits 24/7”. The DJ priests diligently ensure Mana Mana comes into the ears of the nation daily. Why not tune in for their famous, long-running, “Sick of the Pops” show? The mascot of the radio station is a mighty lion.
The temple doorbell, when rung, gives you a short blast of Kylie’s “I Just Can’t Get You Out of My Head” played on a synthesizer chip made from fingernails and blackboards. As you enter, you will see that the hall of the temple has a glass ceiling and a mirrored floor. This is so that when worshippers enter on a nice day it creates the optical illusion that they are walking on sunshine. In the temple yard is the enclosure where the lion will sleep tonight.
Mana Mana is a deity who is going to be in your life, whether you like it or not. So, don’t stop believing.
Thank you to Robin Lawrence for suggesting Mana Mana.
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(To anyone who feels that I may have trespassed on a timeless and beloved puppet character: Please allow me to assure you that Mana Mana is only a little bit of an animal.)