Elvish – God of Tribute Acts

April 12, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Whenever a legend dies and leaves a musical legacy, Elvish will send one of his followers to keep their memory alive. His followers believe that, if they devote their lives to honouring their chosen bard, after their own death they will go to heaven, known to them as Graceland. They try to pursue their spiritual journey whilst defending their faith against suspicious minds. Neophytes begin their journey as members of the “Tribute Audience” for the higher ranking acolytes.

Followers are welcomed from all walks of life. Perhaps remembering that Elvish himself had unusually humble beginnings. His parents were lowly Hearth Gods of Baking, and he was born in the gateaux.

The Temples of Elvish have brightly lit, attention grabbing, frontages with neon signboards. His largest and chief Temple is located in Las Vegas. This temple houses many sacred relics such as the original “Jailhouse Rock”, the holy Teddy Bear and a huge collection of Good Luck Charms. The Temple is actually built around an ancient tree which forms the wooden heart of the structure.

If you visit his Temple you may get to hear a rendition of one of Elvish’s most well known hymns, it goes “Sing Hosanna to the King, Baby.” On your visit you may also get the honour of meeting current High Priest of Elvish, Mr Amaal Shoukup. If you need guidance you can consult the Pelvic Oracle who also resides in the temple. You won’t find Elvish himself there though. Elvish has left the building.

The Priesthood can be recognised by their distinctive white vestments adorned with precious gems of Rhine Zirconia. They move softly around the compound in their blue suede shoes. Every day they devote many hours to vocal training, dressmaking and pelvic exercises.

The priesthood run a wide range of eateries to raise funds for their church and costumes. These range from the humble “Ain’t Nothin’ but a Hotdog”* and “The Wonder of Stew” to the Michelin Starred “Art Steak Hotel**”. All provide excellent quality fare, and are recommended to those who love meat tender. All these eateries celebrate an annual festival of Elvish where they give away free fruit. So be sure to visit one on “Unchained Melon Day”. Not all catering ventures are run by the priesthood though, some chefs fraudulently claim membership. There’s a guy works down our chip shop who swears he’s Elvish, but he’s a liar.

Be sure to welcome Elvish into your life. Thanks to his followers he is available for Birthdays, Weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. Oh yeah. Uh huh huh. Thankyouverymuch.

Thank you to Jerome Perks for suggesting Elvish (and to STP who also made that joke, but in another way***).

*If you want to be cryin’ all the time, onions are extra.
** Why yes! It IS down at the end of a lonely street.
*** And in tribute I am cramming in as many footnotes as I can.

Idol Scribblings Volume Two
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A collection of 52 deities, ancient and modern, for all occations from Idol Scribblings. Produced in 2019-2020.

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Thank you for reading. If you have enjoyed this deity, please feel free to share it with your friends. New deities are published weekly. You can get alerted to new deities via Facebook through the Idol Scribbling Page or on Twitter by following @IdolScribblings . Catch up on the Pantheon so far here.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Quinoa – God of Faddy Diets

April 10, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 1 Comment

If you thought the dietary rules of Halal, Kashrut or the Bhagavad Gita were hard to follow, you haven’t tried following the way of Quinoa. He is an underground deity who goes against the grain. In the story of his origin, he was a mortal man who drowned in the mainstream but was resurrected and elevated to god-hood by…
…well, you’ve probably never heard of him.

The first person to follow the way of Quinoa did it, “About, like 100 years before anyone else did, man”. The rest say they are doing it ironically. Followers of Quinoa always have burnt tongues because they ate their food before it was cool. They can be distinguished by their excessively product laden, obsessively groomed facial hair, heavy framed glasses with plain glass in them and their red trousers. They often ride to the temple on Penny-farthing bicycles.

There are regular rites held in Quinoa’s temples. These are mainly long winded lectures on artisanal food production based on tenuous science. The cult of Quinoa encourages the use of microwaves. They don’t like conventional ovens. The section of the service that would be called the “sermon” in other churches, is known as the “Quinoa-Oat” address. There are occasionally live performances of sacred music on sackbut, glockenspiel and didgeridoo. However, more often, music is provided from recordings on VINYL, ALWAYS VINYL!

At Quinoa’s temple one can also purchase a cup of refreshing coffee that is made from locally sourced ingredients and is free from dairy, sugar, coffee and the dreaded dihydrogen monoxide. Though, it does come with vegan, organic sprinkles. When you hear how much it costs, you’ll say ” ‘kin wha’ ?!”

Quinoa can be a wrathful god. Referring to him as a “Hipster Deity” is the ultimate blasphemy and will incur an immediate smiting.

Thank you to Adam Broadhurst for suggesting Quinoa.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Low Key – God of Bassists

April 9, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 1 Comment

In the beginning there were twin brothers born to the All-Father by the goddess Gittern, and named Ego and Low Key. On their coming of age they were each gifted with an exquisite stringed musical instrument by the artisan deity Warwick God of Thumbs. They were commanded by their parents to perform a duet for the amusement of the other divine beings. At the end of this first of all gigs, Low-Key became enraged that, of the two girls that came, his brother went home with both of them. In his jealous rage he tore one (some say two) strings from his instrument and with them bound Ego down in the underworld so tightly that he was flat-wound. His brother was later freed by one of his groupies, who discovered that the way to break the binding string was with a particularly forceful slap. The young Low-Key, now left with a depleted instrument, reconciled himself to the fact that he would grow up to become a bassist. Until his parents broke the news to him that he couldn’t do both. The brothers eventually re-united and now work together as gods of music under an uneasy truce. Sadly Low Key developed a touch of rickets because Ego kept stealing all the light.

As a method of teaching of the brother’s story from the mythos of Low-Key, the temple offers relationship mediation services. People whose relationship communication has broken down are subjected to a thumping Acid-Jazz-Funk Fusion bass solo until they are forced to start talking to each other. Married couples who can sustain icy silence through more than 30 minutes of this are instantly granted a divorce.

His consort is Caritas Goddess of Soft Touches. Low Key loves Caritas for her formidable divine strength. She can lift a bass amp onto a van with one hand. Caritas soon discovered that, you are sleeping with the bass player from one band, then you will be automatically sleeping with the bass players from at least two other bands. It turns out this does not mean you will be making whoopee three times as often*. All may not be well between the lovers. It is said that every time Low-Key touches Caritas intimately, she complains that Midi the God of Keyboard Players can do it better with his left hand.

The Shrine of Low-Key is housed within the spare bedroom of the Temple of Caritas. The Shrine is stacked high with amps, flight cases, racks and cables. There is no space to hold large rites of worship here. There is only just enough room to house the sacred artefacts and for four members of the clergy to squeeze in-between to rehearse the holy beats. The sacred artefacts include an impressive collection of legendary instruments. Such as the “Manual Analogue Pitch Approximater” or “Fretless”. Perhaps the most dangerous of these is an instrument made entirely from Sodium Hydroxide. This Base Guitar will literally melt your face. All these instruments are brought out at least once a year for the annual festival of “Tuning”.

Priests of Low Key are called Bassists. Which is confusing, because those prejudiced against the lower frequencies are also known as Bassists. Each Bassist is assisted by a young neophyte technician or “Squier”. In order to graduate to full priesthood, each Squier must perform a gig at the Lee Offender’s Institute. In order to be successful, the performance must be so tremendous that the audience break their handcuffs clapping. Some brave and foolish neophytes will attempt their first gig after just two lessons.

Their current High Priest and leader is Ernie Ball. (High priesthood is level 42 of their hierarchy.) He took office when the previous High Priest, Hofner, was said to have perished when he fell over the Rickenbacker Falls. If you commit a serious offence, the High Priest will personally excommunicate and cast you out from the faith by declaring the words, “I banez you”. Bassists believe that the way the blessed get into heaven when they die is around the back, up 2 floors of fire escape, through the kitchen and across the dancefloor.

Incidentally, Latin name of the genus of fish commonly known as Bass is “Morone”. That is not a joke, but it is funny.

Thank you to Bryony Nightingale and Adam Broadhurst for each suggesting Low Key separately (Obviously two great minds that think alike). Thank you to Kris Hudson-Lee for modelling.

*Or that they are three different people

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Dodocanese – God of Ornithologists

April 8, 2019May 11, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Dodocanese is a winged deity who watches over those who love all things avian. Like all gods, his blood is ichor-ous. When he was born, his father Crownus feared one day being usurped by him. He had the infant god exposed on a mountainside to be eaten by his crows. However, only a single corvid came. Therefore it was only an attempted murder. The crow pecked him free, and he was adopted and nursed to adulthood by a nice pair of Tits. Dodocanese now battles against the demons of habitat destruction. In this he uses his mythic weapon, a pair of mighty fat balls in a net which he swings at his enemies.

Dodocanese was said to be the divine father of the half mortal hero Oddiepus. The most notable event in the tales of the labours of Oddiepus was when he met the Sphinx at the top of a cliff and tossed it off. Due to the unfortunate events in his later life, Oddiepus is perceived by some as a villain. In truth he was originally one of the goodies.

The Shrines of Dodocanese are humble wooden huts nestled within extensive grounds of stunning protected, wild countryside. Each has a row of wooden pews in front of narrow horizontal shuttered windows. These allow worshippers to meditate upon nature without disturbing the creatures around them. There may be numerous shrines on any one site, supported by a more substantial Temple building housing workspace for the priesthood, a gift shop and tea room. (It is customary to end a visit to a Temple of Dodocanese with a slice of seed cake.) Silence must be observed at all times whist in the shrines. The temple has a more convivial atmosphere, but even so the conversation volume is rarely above a murmuration. The principle Temple of Dodocanese (in Swansea) houses an amazing water clock. This timepiece is driven by the flow of water from a natural artesian well, and is known as the “Spring Watch”.

Anyone may visit a Shrine of Dodocanese for a small fee, and full members of the faith have unlimited access. The faith is hugely popular and at services they regularly Packham in. You can also claim sanctuary from persecution in a Shrine of Dodocanese. If you ever find yourself in trouble, they are a good place to hide. Should you ever receive a special invitation to an event at a Temple of Dodocanese, don’t forget to RSPB.

The Priesthood of Dodocanese can be identified by the symbolic binocular medallions which they wear around their necks, their buffalo check shirts and green wellies. They train rigorously until they can sit in absolute stillness for hours on end so that no one will ever call them twitchers. The rest of their time is spent watching over and caring for their flock. Some priests practice falconry. It is a little known fact that eating meat caught by hunting birds can make you extremely flatulant. The resultant emissions are known as “Hawkwind”. (If it causes you to follow through, this occurrence is known as a “Turdus”.)

The High Priestess of Dodocanese is Jennifer Wren. She was recently implicated in the “Waterfowlgate Scandal” when she was found en flagrante delicto with a pair of Gallinula Chloropus. In her defence she said “That moorhenage a trois was the best night of my life. Je ne egret rein.” She is now derided by the rest of the faith as a dirty old coot. This is a little unfair as, in truth, she is dedicated to sea bird conservation. She adores Boobies and will do anything for a Shag.

Thank you to Alex Smith for collaborating with me on Dodocanese.

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Perineum – God of the Middle World

April 3, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Stuck Between Heaven and a Very Dark Place.

Neither one thing nor the other in all aspects. His followers believe that the path to true happiness is indecision. If you never resolve anything, no one will ask you to do anything ever again and inner peace will be achieved. Pain and suffering occur when others force you to choose. His most famous hymn is “Meh, meh, meh, meh, s’alright I ‘s’pose”.

Each temple of Perineum is of a similar and unassuming design. They each have two doors. One pink, one brown. The most profound act of worship in this faith is to hover around the two doors to the temple nervously for an hour but never go in. Once inside, there are no pews to sit on. Instead there are rows and rows of Theological Fences upon which one must perch. Perineum’s sacred animal is the common domestic cat. His temples always have a resident sanctified clowder. They display the epitome of indecisiveness as they stand at the temple door asking to go out, and come in, and go out, and come in, and go out and come in. The primary temple of Perineum is located by the bridge over the river Biffin, in the quaint town of Tinter, (Tinter can be found in Barseshire).

One of the roles of the Priesthood of Perineum is to dispense justice. Unfortunately, no trials are ever resolved. Every single one ends in a hung jury. Never go out for a restaurant meal with a group of Perineum worshippers. Firstly, your fellow diners may never make it to the restaurant, many casualties may be trapped in their dressing rooms trying to select the perfect outfit for infinity. Even if you do manage to arrive before 6pm, you still wont have ordered by midnight. (This is probably where the dark rumours about cannibalism in the distant history of the faith stem from.) Followers of Perineum never plan their lives, they just lurch from indecision to indecision.

The most famous ancient Perineal philosopher, Maybemonides, once said, “Indecision is preferable to the terror of a wrong decision.”

In mythology Perineum is a somewhat sensitive deity, that feels like they never get enough attention. Traditionally one has to be careful not to offend Perineum. One slip and you will be in the deep brown.

Thank you to Adam Tomlinson for suggesting Perineum.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Grindr – God of Online Dating

April 2, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Let’s get one thing straight. He’s not. Grindr was a hugely popular deity amongst the seafaring Vikings during those long voyages.

It can be lonely on the fjords in winter, and the nearest booty call might be across 5 miles of sheer icy mountain. Grindr is the deity who brings lovers together to keep out the cold. Followers of Grindr carry his talisman, which will vibrate when another eligible follower comes within navigable distance. The pattern of vibration delivers important information about the potential hook up by Norse Code.

Grindr is the son of Blue Tooth. His origin story states that his mother, Nokia, gave birth to him in the closet to hide him from the evil Ice Giant Homophobe. Once fully grown he began to search for his sworn enemy, protecting his anonymity by appearing only as a disembodied torso. Once Homophobe was bound and rendered powerless, Grindr proudly left the closet and the rest of the pantheon had to get used to it. Grindr’s has a twin sister called Tinder.

Following the path of Grindr can be arduous. The standards of lifestyle, diet and dress are high. Many devotees pray assiduously and will check in with Grindr every few minutes. Even though there is nothing new. If Grindr blesses you with finding the perfect partner, it is traditional to celebrate that union until you are both Thor. In his temple, his priests or “Nerdics” tirelessly refine his holy algorithms to ensure appropriate matches. Once a year all followers of Grindr meet up and celebrate their Pride in their faith with parties and parades.

The Temple of Grindr are places where one can be one’s true self. The interiors are decorated with impeccable style taste. The sacred music played there is an ancient, traditional style, because there’s nowt so queer as folk. On the wall of the shady side of the temple, worshippers will often post saucy pictures of themselves in as offering to Grindr in hopes he will favour them with a match with Mr Right (or at least Mr Right Now). Parking is to the rear.

Grindr is, perhaps surprisingly, the only vegetarian Norse God. In fact he’s Norvegan. He is famous for his impressively large chopper and smooth shiny helmet. His sacred animals are a handsome bear with a powerful right swipe and a white swallow.

Thank you to Pascal Harper for suggesting Grindr.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.