Beroccas – God of Vitamins

May 29, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Beroccas is always depicted as the buffed epitome of health and vitality, and he’s really, really proud of it. He is the twin brother of Dioralyte – God of Minerals and Electrolytes.

A typical rite at Beroccas’ temple begins with the chanting of the RDAs, followed by a 30 minute sermon about Beroccas gym and running regime. There will be singing of sacred songs such as the well known favourites “Amazin’ Riboflavin” or “Thiamin be the Glory”. At the climax of the ritual, the officiating priest will drop the fizzy tablet into the water to make it holy, and then it is shared by his followers as libation.

The air of the temple hangs thick with a mist of perspiration. Three of the walls are lined with wall to ceiling mirrors, the fourth is a plate glass window which onto the street. This way, any unbelievers walking past will be awed by the majesty of physiques of the faithful at prayer. The aisles are filled with rows of exercise bikes which spin prayer wheels. Each worshipper carries a small prayer towel, which must be used to wipe the seat clean of their pious perspiration.

Members of the cult of Beroccas are required to attend a form of confessional every week where they must download their fitbit data for scrutiny by the High Priest. Those who have earned an insufficient number of badges are punished by being picked last for all team games for the next week.

The Beroccan Games are held every four years in a different city around the world. At these games believers compete in athletic events to win a place in the Priesthood. Only the finest specimens of health and prowess are admitted. They compete naked. Even though no one asked them to.

Beroccas is sometimes prayed to by the hungover, desperately promising lifestyle reform in exchange for relief. It is said by his true acolytes that these prayers will fall on deaf ears and they would do better praying to Cholesterolia – Goddess of Fry-Ups.

Followers of Beroccas believe that when they die, they’ll be over 100 and still look HOT.

Beroccas was suggested by James R Turner. (This was actually a very early cartoon from the Idol Scribblings series, sorry that I hadn’t posted it until now).

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If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Mandle – God of Unnecessarily Gender Specified Products

May 18, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Mandle is the tealightful God of any and all products which are unnecessarily “gender customised” for men. There was once talk that simple products such as soap, pens and candles could be universally designed for all genders. However, such an ideas really get on Mandle’s wick. He won’ tallow such nonsense.

Following the path of Mandle is said to be spiritually illuminating. An advent-ture for the soul. Although the faith of some may taper off over the years, if you stick with it, you will eventually become enlightened. Actually, their literature says “lit”. One hopes this is metaphorical.

Every item in Mandle’s temple is specifically formulated “FOR MEN”. From the camo pattern sandpaper toilet roll in the bathroom to the He-lights on the altar. An impressive display of relics and sacred artefacts are lovingly displayed on the Mandlepiece. Perhaps the most revered of these are the Holy Packet of McCoys, the Blessed Yorkiebah and a box of giant tissues.

When visiting the temple, worshippers are encouraged to make a donation, light a small candle and pray to be more self assured. This is called the votive confidence. Whilst visiting, do take the time to try one of their “Bronuts”, a deep fried dough delicacy made and sold by the clergy.

His priests are called “Lu-menz” and the high priest is called “The Candelabro”. They are flambeauant in their worship, and attending one of their rituals is said to be guaranteed to brighten your day. Given the slightest invitation they will wax lyrical about Mandle for hours.

Followers of Mandle will look asconce at any man using a candle that is not scented with “Man Scents” such as Swarfega, guitars, gunpowder or the sweat of Chuck Norris. In fact if they see a bloke use a plain or girly scented candle they will be very put out, nae quite de-lighted.

Mandle’s divine consort is the deity Jillette, who is the best Mandle can get. (Jillette known for being a little unstable. They will reveal the goddess in you, but is also likely to cut you.)

Mandle was suggested by Sarah Shepton @afishoutofwtf

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Philtrum – God of Things That Are Right Under Your Nose

May 7, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Philtrum is normally associated with Monday mornings, but he also does post bank holiday Tuesdays. He is especially worshipped by persons over the age of forty and stressed people. Philtrum specialises in keys, pens, phones and anything you just put down a moment ago. He also does glasses on foreheads. One time when he couldn’t find his laurels, he was resting on them.

Temples of Philtrum are designed on a theme of “Lost Halves of Pairs”. The floor is carpeted with a quilt of odd socks, and the curtains are made from a textile collage of lost gloves. It is illuminated by chandeliers made from single earrings and cufflinks. There are many comfortable sofas upholstered with a fabric woven from shoelaces. The defences around the temple are fortified against infidels by having thousands of lost, single knitting needles set into the top of the wall pointing skywards.

The correct procedure for visiting a Temple of Philtrum is to walk in, stare blankly into space for a moment, meditate upon what it was you went in for, and then leave again quietly with the minimum possible embarrassment. If you do decide to stay a while, take a seat on one of the comfy sofas and contemplate what you are searching for. Then try reaching down the back of said sofa. Seek and ye may find if Philtrum sees fit to answer your prayers.

The priests of Philtrum are known as “Searchers”. They aspire to achieve vagueness in all things. The idea being that if you don’t know where anything is anyway, do you ever truly lose something? This only applies to the personal life of a devoted acolyte though. The priests also serve to help the lay congregation find what they have mislaid.

The sacred Book of Philtrum is called “The Libro de Claris”. The original copy has not been seen in years. They may have lent it to someone. The following is a short extract from the text:

Perdue, a man of the town, cried in his torment, “Oh mighty Philtrum! Have you seen my wallet? I know I had it only a moment ago.” And Philtrum replied, “Well, where did you last have it?”. Perdue said, “I put it down on the kitchen table, oh Lord, but it isn’t there now.” In his wisdom Philtrum spake, “Have you tried looking in the fridge?”. Perdue looked in the fridge, and by a divine miracle against all the physical laws of the universe, lo there was his wallet by the sausages. He cried, “Praise be to Philtrum! For now I shall be on time for my date and I am on a promise.”

Followers of Philtrum indicate their membership of the faith by carrying extra large ceremonial handkerchiefs… …which they can never find when they need them.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Teflonata – Goddess of Dangerous Ignorance

April 29, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 1 Comment

In the early days of the universe, the God Oafish imposed himself upon kindness of the Goddess Vacuous and to them the Goddess Teflonata was born. As a child Teflonata was shielded from any communal education that might contain dangerous ideas. Such as the notion that her parents might not have created the universe and everything in it, that there might be more than two genders or that the earth may be spherical. This careful upbringing left her powerfully impervious to reasoned argument.

The dogma of Teflonata is not so much a list of things you must believe, as a rule about whether or not you should believe any new information you encounter. This basically boils down to believing it if it comes from a man in the pub, a tabloid, Fox News, a click-bait article or alternative health website. If it comes from a reputable source then DON’T TRUST A WORD OF IT!

Followers of Teflonata are useful self-operating propaganda for the oligarchy. Say a miserly company owner does not wish to fork out for expensive safety precautions. All they need do is to inform the followers of Teflonata amongst the workforce that this would be “Health and Safety gone mad”. They will obediently repeat this mantra over and over until the entire workforce wants their role to have “MORE DANGER DAMMIT”! The sacred text of Teflonata is a dictionary with the word “Gullible” removed.

The church of Teflonata seeks to have a very loud say over how people live their lives, even those outside the faith. Especially if you are a woman. They know best what you should be doing with your body and how you should behave, not you! Perhaps the most notable sub-sect of Teflonata are the Antivaxxers. They follow and preach the writings of Andrew of Wakefield (which have been discredited by everyone else) slavishly and with blind devotion. Growing up in the Antivaxxer sect is perilous as they have parenting theories that would make a Spartan say, “Wow! That’s a bit harsh.” According to their beliefs it is better to have a child that can’t walk (or show vital signs) as long as they aren’t autistic*.

The clergy of Teflonata are known as “Trolles”. They are ranked in seniority based on how orange they are. The majority of their preaching work is carried out online. There is one branch of the priesthood solely engaged in incorrecting Wikipedia articles. The only branch which practice an active vocation are the “Homeopaths”. Their clinic advertises that cures for cancer which do not involve surgery, chemotherapy or radiotherapy. There the infirm can pay a fortune to relax in pleasant surroundings, sipping their “Memory Water” whilst gazing through the window at the large and picturesque cemetery outside.

If you wish to petition the Goddess Teflonata for something, it is said one should make a pilgrimage to the edge of the world and throw an offering of a packet of Orbit chewing gum into the void of space.

Should you pass a temple of Teflonata, look upwards, and you will see the Union flag proudly flying upside down. (They do not have planning permission for this flagpole, nor are they aware that they need it.) Above the entrance the motto “In Volumen Veritas” is carved into the stonework. Do not visit her temple if you are actually knowledgeable on any subject. Teflonites have an abject terror of “Experts”. Should you accidentally let slip that you have an IQ to a Teflonite, they will probably throw salt at you. They believe this is the best way to ward off snowflakes. This is why I cannot tell you anything about the inside of the temple. I have never been allowed in.

*I asked once. They didn’t actually know what autism is.

Thank you to Ju Haynes for suggesting Teflonata and to Dave Redford, Nigel Harper for chipping in some top pun suggestions. Kudos to Dave for punning in Latin.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Brabantia – Goddess of Tidiness

April 27, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Brabantia has the most immaculate temples, which have a place for everything and everything in its place. The walls are lined floor to ceiling with shelves of storage caddies full of utensils. The grounds are gaily adorned with rotary prayer airers, which spin gently in the wind. Perhaps the most striking feature of the temple is the collection of 288 waste bins.

Followers of Brabantia believe that carrying out mundane household chores induces a transcendental meditative state through which wisdom and insight may be gained. Sacred music is used to accompany these tasks, and help achieve the desired state of mind. Her most famous hymns are “Another One Fights the Dust” and “Killer Clean”.

Upon death followers of Brabantia have their cremated remains neatly stored within the temple. Families can choose between a Roll Top or Fall Front “Dead Bin” in Metallic Mint, Passion Red, Clay Pink or Daisy Yellow.

The vestments of the clergy are always immaculately laundered and pressed. Their cleanliness is inspected before each ritual by a group of 3 senior priests known as “The Ironing Board”. They’d better wear them right, a priest who fails to meet the standards will do penance on the “Dish Rack”. Despite the threat of this, many youngsters aspire to be priests of Brabantia. One key duty of a priest is to clean the temple mirrors, and this is something a lot of young people can see themselves doing.

There are various sub-sects of Brabantia. One notable order is a desert dwelling group who practice abstinence from alcohol. They are known as “The Dry Cleaners”. All the various groups are overseen by the current High Priest, the Most Hygienic Bruce Springclean. He has absolute authority amongst his flock, everyone knows he’s the boss.

Should you transgress in the faith of Brabantia, you may be put on trial. In these trials, the priest or priestess will hold up the accused for the assembled congregation to see and say, “Does this still spark joy?”. Should you be found guilty the congregation will reply “NO!”, and you will be sold in a charity shop.

Brabantia resides in the mythical citadel of King’s Laundering where she sits on the “Ironing Throne”. (When you play this game of thrones you spin or you dry).

The motto of Brabantia is “Don’t put it down, put it away.”

Thank you to Ken Page for suggesting Brabantia.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Chardonnay – Goddess of Awkward Work Socials

April 26, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Shortly after the concept of employment began, way back in human prehistory, the excruciating torture of the work social began. In answer to a million desperate glances at watches, Chardonnay rose fully formed from the ashes of a barbecue to watch over all those hiding in the shrubbery and sobbing into their fourth cocktail. Chardonnay is always dressed smart-casual but is constantly desperate to take off her bra and slip into her pyjamas.

Worship of Chardonnay tends to take place in hired venues or outdoors. Any service you attend will somehow always also be attended by the same people you’ve had to put up with all week. The rites typically commence with lighting a ritual charcoal fire an hour in advance and then burning some sacrificial sausages on it. There will then usually be either a set meal (where no one can remember what they ordered 2 months ago) or a dry and curly buffet. There will follow a lengthy address by the Priest(ess) or “Boss”, who will desperately try to be funny. Throughout wine and ale will flow freely and worshippers must attempt to consume enough to lubricate their tolerance for the rest of the congregation whilst avoiding vomiting, crying or paralysis. The service will conclude with a sacred dance, usually to music from about 10 years previous. No one knows the correct moves to this dance, so they just stand in cliquey circles and jig on the spot awkwardly.

At special festivals, worshippers will draw lots to make a small, anonymous gift to a fellow worshipper that they could not give the tiny furry crack of a dead rat’s behind about. There are a few permanent Temples of Chardonnay. Their interiors are decorated with thousands of photocopies of bare bottoms. As you leave the Temple of Chardonnay a drunken wasp will be waiting to challenge you to a fight.

There are a few strange people out there who are genuinely enthusiastic followers of Chardonnay. Most people attending her rites are merely doing so out of a sense of duty, in an attempt at career advancement or to try and get “better acquainted” with Mo from accounts. These endeavours rarely end well.

Thank you to Gareth Wilden for suggesting Chardonnay.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Euros – God of Money One Does Not Have

April 18, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

In his origin story Euros was created by Karma-Ron, who abandoned him shortly after his birth. He was picked up and raised by the mythical beast Mai-Botte, who tried to help him overcome his psychological issues of abandonment to grow up to be both strong and stable. However, despite her intentions, his guardian failed to take any real action to guide his development. In the end, hopelessly unprepared to face the world, Euros put off leaving home again and again.

Euros became a prodigal son who spurned his supportive wider family. He ambivalently rejected them when he was deceived into believing that the relationship cost him more than he gained from it by the demons Borriz and Gové. The argument over the terms of this separation continued for years, until the patience of his kin was exhausted and they threw him out with nothing. He was cast into isolation in the wilderness where he was taunted by the ignorant opinions of the three “Ghosts of Dreams that Never Were”. These three malevolent spirits are individually named “Pierced Organ”, “Hatie Cockpins” and “Jerkoff Greased-Hog”.

The temples of Euros ring with raised voices. They are of somewhat variable construction quality, and some wings are held together with strained red tape. Every time they try to conduct repairs, someone breaks it. On the altar sit 22 sealed and numbered red boxes which contain a deal of mystery.

During rituals at Euros’ temples, a libation of tea is poured in offering and then the remainder shared amongst the congregation. Tea is considered sacred to Euros because tea leaves. The liturgy will then be read out. This may seem to be nonsense at first, but don’t worry. The officiating priest will repeat it more and more slowly and increasingly loudly UNTIL YOU UNDERSTAND. At the end of the rite the priest will bid farewell to his flock with the words “See EU later”. His sacred texts were displayed on the sides of political campaign busses, until people realised they were bollocks.

You can only join the priesthood of Euros if you have a protruding navel. You must also have a stoic philosophy and be capable of cussedly sticking with a course of action, even when everyone else can see that it is a path to destruction. Priests can be recognised by their head wear. They will sport either a fried egg or a pineapple ring on their heads. Vestments are very important to the priests, and each will have a changing cabinet to facilitate the necessary sartorial standard. Debating is a key skill for a priest of Euros to have. They are capable of arguing for years with nothing resolved. When not on duty, they do enjoy kicking back with a game of chequers.

Be very wary of incurring the wrath of Euros. When angered he is capable of raining a ferment of acidic bile down on his hapless target. These tempests are known as “Farages”. Sadly, Euros is rarely a wise or fare judge, and has often wrongly attacked the victim of the situation.

Thank you to Jen Titley for suggesting Euros.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.