Justha Wan – God of Impromptu Drinking Sessions

August 25, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 1 Comment

At five o’clock all across the world (and it’s always five o’clock somewhere), Justha Wan’s call to prayer begins. “Got time for a pint?” This god watches over all those who give the doomed response, “Okay, but just the one. It’s a school night”.

Justha Wan is closely associated with beer and brewing. He is the God of all those occasions when a swift jar turns into a legendary all-night bender. All people have “that one friend” who is a devout follower of this faith (and if you can’t think who it is, it’s YOU). They will frequently try to lead their friends astray to the righteous path of Justha Wan. If you know such a person, you have probably learned to accept invitations to join their religious devotions with trepidation. Especially as last time you worshipped with them you achieved divine communion with 6 pints, three doubles, a kebab and the floor.

Justha Wan’s has three notable divine powers. First is his ability to make time jump from 5.30pm to last orders seemingly instantaneously. Secondly he has the ability to turn a swift half into a swift half dozen. Thirdly, he can defend his faithful from spousal ire in the early hours by making a bunch of petrol station flowers appear in their hand as if by magic. Be warned though, Justha Wan’s protection will abruptly desert you when the alarm sounds the following morning and you have to rise for work.

Justha Wan’s sacred animals are the infamous “Beer Monkeys”. They are said to see the tired and emotional worshipper safely to their doorstep after each service. However, in payment they will take all your cash, your keys, your phone and possibly your trousers. You will know whether it is the Beer Monkeys who have guided you home, as you will be left with a distinctly unpleasant aftertaste in your mouth that you can’t seem to get rid of.

Temples of Justha Wan are conveniently situated on the route between worshippers’ places of work and their homes. Enabling them to worship daily, should they desire to be so devout. The older established temples are often majestic buildings, belonging to one of the recognised sects (such as the Whitbreads or the Spoons). Nowadays there is a big boom in the popularity of non-conformist artisan micro temples. These micro temples are instantly recognisable by the sandwich boards stood outside baring their pun-based name and some nugget of wit and wisdom (such as “Welcome to the Blame & Claim – No Gin, No Fee”). Each temple has a tiny fragment of neutron star buried in its foundations. This artificially increases the gravity field in the vicinity. Once you enter a temple, it requires a feat of superhuman strength to leave. At closing time this artificial enhanced gravity field is turned off, and worshippers will find themselves forcibly, but quietly*, ejected.

Services typically commence at five (or whenever the working day ends in that region) and last until just after eleven. Throughout the priests will stand behind the bar and deliver homilies, liquor and dubious advice. The priesthood are highly trained to deliver the service. They will pump away enthusiastically for you, and guarantee that you will get perfect head. They will also distribute bags of sanctified potato wafers, pious mini ploughman’s in plastic pouches and (if you are really lucky) the priest may let you have a handful of his hot nuts. All this is to suitably prepare you for the extended conversation you will have with the deity via the porcelain telephone later that night.

Worshippers are requested to maintain a merry demeanour whilst in the temple. Those who are in a maudlin mood are gently removed to a special chapel, known as the Whine Bar. Here they can consume consecrated chasers and have a good moan to a specially trained Counsellor / Bartender / Priest. Consuming these consecrated chasers won’t necessarily solve your problems, but it’s worth a shot.

The current high priest of Jutha Wan is Oliver Notherwan. He is a well-qualified cleric. He studied brewing at university and got a thirst. He alone prepares the secret beer that allows the oracles of the faith to glimpse the future. This strange elixir is know as the Dejá Brew. The future they see almost always involves a blinding headache and a longing for death.

*For the sake of our neighbours.

Thank you to Adam Broadhurst, master of the impromptu sesh for suggesting Justha Wan. Please enjoy worshipping Justha Wan responsibly.

Idol Scribblings Volume Two
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Eureka – Goddess of Inspiration

July 13, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Just because she spends all her time in an overflowing bath and has a bubbly personality, do not make the mistake of assuming that she’s a flake!

Where are our minds most open to ideas and original thoughts? Where do we most often find the answers to life’s problems? Where are our ears opened to their widest to the background whispering of the universe? Why! In the bath of course. Eureka is the patron of artists, writers and philosophers as well as those who need a good scrub up.

“Heureka” was originally a human female who lived deep in the mists of pre-history. She had a penchant for bathing in natural hot springs to ease the aches of her body. However, the nearest natural hot springs were a full day’s travel from her settlement. During one visit, whilst sat in the soothing sulphurous waters, she thought “I wonder if I could build something like this at home?” This was the first ablution based inspiration to occur to any of humankind. On her return she set to work, and a hut, a hypocaust and a hydrotherapy pool later she had created the first bath. The popularity was immediate, and her tribe began to worship her after her death in gratitude.

Although, in later antiquity, she was not considered a major deity, we can still find historical examples of famous historical figures praising her name when they have a great idea. The most famous example of this is perhaps Archimedes. Whom, without her divine inspiration, would have been screwed. In fact, she was so synonymous with serendipity that her name actually came to mean “I found it!” in Ancient Greek. Sadly, Archimedes had a habit of dropping his aitches, and so she was constantly mispronounced thereafter. Gradually “Eureka” became the accepted modern form of her name.

Eureka’s sacred animal is the Rubber Duck. On being confirmed into the faith, each neophyte will receive their own Rubber Duck. This duck will be their cherished lifetime meditation companion. Whilst they contemplate the cosmos from their steaming bath, they will discuss the ideas that come to them with their Rubber Duck. The arch enemies of Eureka, Clogg (a shapeless, hairy demon who lurks in the plug hole and is summoned by the washing of long hair and the spring shaving of legs) and Scum (son of Sodium and Lauryl Sulphate), try to give bathers bad ideas. Talking things through with the Rubber Duck acts as a kind of “bad ideas filter” and is known as Rubber Ducking.

Eureka’s temples are steam filled stews containing a complex of pools of warm, scented water. The baths are lined with the rare metallic alloy Umahia. This is made by mixing Umium (Um), the element of contemplation with Ahthatsitium (Ah) the element of inspiration. This is said to sanctify the waters they contain and give them the power to stimulate the mind. The temple constantly rings with voices of varying quality raised in songs of praise. Singing in the bath is actively encouraged. As is consuming wine, chocolate, and eating fibrous foods in order to create one’s own hot tub effect. One can tell the seniority and holiness of her followers by how wrinkly they are. Each temple keeps a large flock of fluffy owls from Yorkshire which waft their wings to dispel drops of water from the faithful when they arise from their bath. When you are wet t’owls will get you dry.

If you attend a service of prayer at the temple, be ready to join in with the traditional congregational chorus of “Yes it does, doesn’t it.” When the High Priestess says “Where’s the soap”. At the conclusion of the rite the High Priestess will bless each member of the congregation in turn with a little tap on the head.

The sacred texts of Eureka are a bibliophile’s nightmare. They are all wrinkly and have broken spines because they always being perused in the bath.

Once monotheistic religions began to take over, there were efforts by the Christian church to discredit Eureka by branding her the Floozy in the Jacuzzi, the Slag in the Spa, the Bint in the Bath and the Tart in the Tub. This had the effect of eventually sending the whole religion down the drain, and for centauries mankind went unwashed and uninspired. Many temples were looted, with the thieves making a clean get away. Fortunately Eureka has gained a resurgence in more enlightened and sanitary modern times.

The largest and principle surviving Temple of Eureka is (perhaps unsurprisingly) in Bath in the United Kingdom. This temple houses a shop where one can purchase a plethora of sanctified bath products, heavily scented with aromas said to open the mind. Even if you have never visited the temple, you have probably smelt it. The waft of patchouli is said to be detectable from the Chippenham Services on the M4. The name of this emporium is “Gert Lush”. Here, one can even purchase water from High Priestess Delphine’s private bath. This is considered so holy that devotees will actually pay thirty quid a pop for a small bottle of the stuff.

Thank you to Kieron Philips for suggesting Eureka.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Glandula – Goddess of Electrical Connections

May 23, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Glandula is a highly charged and energetic deity with a short fuse who generates a huge following. Glandula’s temple is a well insulated building, securely bonded to the earth. The grounds are planted with lovingly grown power plants. Three bronze towers rise above the roof (one slightly taller than the other two).

Following the way of Glandula will certainly change your life. She is something of a transformer and will help keep your spirit level. A key aspect of spiritual development is believed to be the mastering of certain physical exercises. These include Ladder Balancing, the SWArpent Dance and daily acrobatic volting. These exercises are accompanied by meditations on the question “Watt is Love”. Persons who severely err in following the way of Glandula sometimes punish themselves using a CAT5 O’Nine Tails until they are poe faced.

Sight-seers visiting the temple must have 10p for the meter to enter. On certain holy days they lose this charge and the tourists are ex-static. It surprises most visitors to discover that her temple contains a tavern known as “The Bus Bar”. In the bar the song “Can’t Touch This” plays on repeat, there are a pair of strippers and one can get a really good screwdriver. Sometimes there is even a three way.

It is a long road of practice, training and study spanning several years to become a priest or priestess of Glandula. Trainees will live at the temple, which becomes an ohm from home. In training they will pass through three phases. Phluorescentlytes (the starters), Incandescentlytes and Tracklytes. Tracklytes are the most senior, experienced and broad minded priests. Nothing shocks them anymore.

The Tracklytes then divide further into three “Cores”. The “Earth Core” are concerned with moral safety. They wear robes of green and yellow. The “Neutral Core” in their blue robes are mediators and negotiators. The “Live Core” wear brown and are concerned with preaching, teaching and sacred arts performance.

Her scripture is regularly revised and updated by the ten most senior priests (known as Glandula’s Upper Ten or the GU10). They are just about to release the 18th Edition of her holy book. This senior priesthood undergo constant moral scrutiny themselves, and have limited terms of office, as it is well known that power corrupts. They have to annually undergo a Priest Assessment Test (or PAT test) to ensure continued integrity.

Thank you to Pascal Harper for suggesting Glandula.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Candida – Goddess of Itchy Privates and Plain Speaking

April 25, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Candida is a goddess with a very pale complexion and a constant expression of torment. If you are visited by Candida, unlike other deities, she will deliver her directions in no uncertain terms. She can sometimes be a little rash. You won’t get vague portents or metaphors from this goddess!

In her origin mythology she is said to have originally have been simply the Goddess of Blunt Truths. She was laid low by an attack from the furious Demon Bacterium (because the truth hurts). She was saved by the Goddess Penicillin, but was left with a sense of constant irritation and pH imbalance.

Her principle temple is located near Scratchy Bottom on the South Coast. Possibly due to the proximity to the sea, there is a distinct piscine aroma to the place. Her clergy move around the compound using the ceremonial walk, short steps with knees held together and fingers clenched. Any priest or priestess caught walking normally will be given a dishonourable discharge.

Throughout her services her devotees will sit on their hands with their legs crossed as they listen to a forthright sermon. The temple houses a particularly ornate mighty organ, which is decorated with an intricate relief depicting cavorting crabs. It is played at every service and the congregation must loudly applaud. The organist tends to get upset if they don’t get the clap every week. For some reason, peas are usually served at temple meals. One should never attempt to steal peas from a priestess’s plate. Those are her peas. Yogurt is also regularly served. Just not at meal times.

Candida is also known as “Throssel”, “The Beast from the Yeast” and “Lady Chalk of Billingsgate”. She was assimilated by the early Celtic church and Christianised as Saint Albicans. Thrushes are her sacred animals.

Thank you to Sarah Shepton @Afishoutofwtf for suggesting Candida.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Cancelle – Goddess of Public Transport

April 6, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Cancelle watches over all those who chose to take their spiritual journey in close communion with others from all walks of life. She is appealed to by those who wait in the rain or stand in the aisles. Some say that worship of Cancelle is the preserve of the less financially fortunate. However, she also has affluent devotees who believe following her way has benefits for the whole planet. The way of Cancelle is considered by many to be the most environmentally friendly method of getting to the afterlife. Devotees of Cancelle believe that, when they die, they will travel to the next world on a brand new, clean Omnichariot. (The Omnichariot is a high occupancy vehicle which will always move twice as fast when you are trying to catch it as when you are in it). The scriptures say that (for the righteous) it will arrive on time and will be of the correct operating company to accept the Day-Mega-Soul-Saver ticket you purchased earlier. If one has lived an especially devout life, one will travel to the afterlife without having to share a seat or hold a conversation with a fruitcake.

In antiquity her temples used to be known as “Stations”. However, in the 21st Century they have been trendily rebranded as “Interchanges”. They are cavernous halls filled with the aromas of the traditional diesel fume and urine scented incense. The readings and sermon are delivered in an ethereal echoic voice through a crackly P.A. system. Although delivered at great volume and in Received Pronunciation, it is impossible to decipher any useful information. As a back-up, the key points of the homily and scriptures are displayed on electronic screens (when they are working). The service will begin with a cry of “Hold tight please” and will end with the ringing of a small bell. There is almost always inadequate seating in the temples, to ease this issue one should move to the back of the temple on entering. In getting to the back of the temple one can fall over 50 feet with only minor injuries. You should not attempt to sit in one of the “priority seats” at the front unless you have genuine need of them. They are reserved for the elderly and infirm of the congregation. Transgressors of this rule will be condemned to die the “Death of a Thousand Walking Sticks”.

There are some strict rules you must abide by if you wish to visit one of Cancelle’s houses of worship. Unlike many other faiths, consumption of alcohol is forbidden within the temple. Also loud music, skateboarding and keep your feet off the seats. Worshippers are constantly reminded not to leave baggage unattended and are advised to report suspicious packages. So it’s advised not to wear budgie smugglers when visiting. The largest and most famous of Cancelle’s temples is located in Hull. It is considered to be the Paragon of temples. In order to visit one will need to purchase a ticket to Hull and back. If you are in need of refreshment during your visit, most of her temples feature a café serving tea and coffee, the price of which is inversely proportional to the quality. They also serve the customary holy trinity of foods; the Pious Pasty, the Sacred Sausage Roll and the Transcendental Teacake. They do try to keep the temples maintained. If a statue of Cancelle gets broken, they have a replacement bust service.

The High Priest of each temple is known as the “Driver”, and they are assisted by their deputy, known the “Conductor”. (In the higher Maglev Temples, this post is called the “Superconductor”.) As one leaves the temple after your visit, one must express one’s thanks to the priest or be considered a mannerless oaf by all other worshippers. In the south-west the traditional expression of gratitude is “Cheers Drive!” but this varies from region to region. Smaller shrines and chapels are known as “Stops” or “Halts” and may consist of little more than a holy sign on a chewing gum encrusted pole. These are often situated in bleak and isolated places, serving the homesteads of a few remote faithful.

The scriptures of Cancelle are revised at least once annually, changing the number and timings of services, in order to maintain the mystery of the faith. However, the tradition of having a long period of inactivity at some point in the day followed by three services back to back, is always preserved. The days on which the new scriptures are adopted are invariably days of chaos. Cancelle appears in numerous pantheons around the world and is also sometimes known as Schedula, Tramantha and in Wales as Bend-Y-Bus. She is also the Goddess of Monorails, but I couldn’t think of any one-liners about that.

Cancelle was suggested by Nigel Harper whilst on the 135 to Sheffield.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Ku-Klux-Nan – Goddess of Racist Biddies

April 5, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Ku-Klux-Nan is a truly ancient goddess. She’s 5987 you know, and she can remember a time before we had any of this nonsense. Much of what we know of the origin of this goddess come down to us through the surviving writings of the 4th BCE writer Xenophobe. In the days when there was but one pantheon known in the world, Ku-Klux-Nan was the Goddess of Quiet Lives. The first time she encountered a deity from another land, she was overcome by fear and jealousy. “How dare they come over here stealing our worshippers!”. This vitriol was so powerful that it warped her very form into that of a wizened hag with a mouth like a cat’s arse. It is said by some that she was rendered so hideous that she henceforth covered her fearsome visage with a white hood. Others say that she is wearing it because she just had a wash and set done and it’s drizzling. Ku-Klux-Nan has numerous Children and Grandchildren. They are all hideously embarrassed by her when she gets on about politics.

The religion of Ku-Klux-Nan, presided over by High Priestess Hatie Cockpins, is an isolationist one. They associate very rarely with those outside the faith, and then only for the purposes of trade. A highly judgemental sect, their disapproval is usually expressed through glares, snide comments, boycotting, marching and funding right wing politics. Occasionally they are driven to smite people with a flaming, rolled up copy of the Daily Fail. The clergy live on a strict diet of gammon and each other’s opinions. Followers of Ku-Klux-Nan believe that when the righteous die, they will go to a Utopian afterlife, which is just like what England wasn’t really like in the 1950s (See: Isle of White).

Surprisingly, amongst Ku-Klux-Nan’s followers you will sometimes find elderly members of the long-standing immigrant community. They are there to complain about the latest lot to arrive and how they are ruining everything. They may even win the grudging acceptance of the other church members, provided they can whip up a satisfactory Victoria Sponge for the Garden Fete and don’t have too strong an accent. Having them around proves that the other members of the faith are not racist but…

The Temple of Ku-Klux-Nan is essentially massive echo chamber. Amongst other things it houses a protest placard production workshop, but not a single dictionary. It can be found nestled in England’s green and pleasant land for 8 months of the year. Every November the Temple fully relocates to Benidorm for 4 months. They go well prepared with proper British provisions so that no foreign muck has to be consumed, and a proper cup of tea is assured. Whilst there they will entertain themselves by continually complaining about the locals. Every March they migrate back to the UK in a ritual pilgrimage known as “Taking Our Country Back”. (Outside observers often comment that it was a bit daft for them to leave it lying around unattended in the first place.)

(Shout out to Sarah Shepton, from whom I have shamelessly borrowed the “Hatie Cockpins” shtick.)

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Perineum – God of the Middle World

April 3, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Stuck Between Heaven and a Very Dark Place.

Neither one thing nor the other in all aspects. His followers believe that the path to true happiness is indecision. If you never resolve anything, no one will ask you to do anything ever again and inner peace will be achieved. Pain and suffering occur when others force you to choose. His most famous hymn is “Meh, meh, meh, meh, s’alright I ‘s’pose”.

Each temple of Perineum is of a similar and unassuming design. They each have two doors. One pink, one brown. The most profound act of worship in this faith is to hover around the two doors to the temple nervously for an hour but never go in. Once inside, there are no pews to sit on. Instead there are rows and rows of Theological Fences upon which one must perch. Perineum’s sacred animal is the common domestic cat. His temples always have a resident sanctified clowder. They display the epitome of indecisiveness as they stand at the temple door asking to go out, and come in, and go out, and come in, and go out and come in. The primary temple of Perineum is located by the bridge over the river Biffin, in the quaint town of Tinter, (Tinter can be found in Barseshire).

One of the roles of the Priesthood of Perineum is to dispense justice. Unfortunately, no trials are ever resolved. Every single one ends in a hung jury. Never go out for a restaurant meal with a group of Perineum worshippers. Firstly, your fellow diners may never make it to the restaurant, many casualties may be trapped in their dressing rooms trying to select the perfect outfit for infinity. Even if you do manage to arrive before 6pm, you still wont have ordered by midnight. (This is probably where the dark rumours about cannibalism in the distant history of the faith stem from.) Followers of Perineum never plan their lives, they just lurch from indecision to indecision.

The most famous ancient Perineal philosopher, Maybemonides, once said, “Indecision is preferable to the terror of a wrong decision.”

In mythology Perineum is a somewhat sensitive deity, that feels like they never get enough attention. Traditionally one has to be careful not to offend Perineum. One slip and you will be in the deep brown.

Thank you to Adam Tomlinson for suggesting Perineum.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Patella – Goddess of Dodgy Knees

March 30, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Some philosophers say that faith is a crutch, but the philosophy of the followers of Patella is to put their faith in a crutch.

Patella has numerous Temples around the world, including ones in; Stepney (UK), Krzywe Kolanois (Poland) and Stiffknee Knob (NC – USA). There are no stairs in Patella’s temples. Every comfortable pew is accompanied by it’s own soft pouffé for the elevation of aching limbs. Hot and cold compress hassocks are available to borrow for a small donation. All prayers are offered from a seated position. Repeated standing and kneeling for prayer is not required. Patella understands.

Patella’s Sabbath day is Saturday. The rites of Patella can induce a euphoria in her worshippers which makes them weak at the knees, known as “Saturday Night Femur”. Other faiths experience “the rapture”, followers of Patella experience “the rupture”. During services “Groaning Hymns” are sung by her choirs, accompanied by trom-bones, in perfect harmon-knee. (One of the most famous of her sacred works is Mike Oldfield’s “Tubular Bandages”.) A sacrament of rubbing alcohol and ibuprofen is shared by the congregation during the service. You are advised to partake sparingly, or you may get inkneebriated. At the close of a ritual, instead of applause, the gathered faithful will crack their joints as they rise to make a clickophony of appreciation.

They are a very benevolent religion. The faithful will always hop to it if they see an opportunity to help the kneedy. They often co-ordinate multi agency disaster relief aid, as they are really good at managing a joint effort. In addition they are big believers in justice and fairness and her church provides free legal representation to accused persons who cannot afford a legal counsel. Especially those hop less cases who don’t have a leg to stand on. Beneficiaries will confirm that they are highly skilled barristers, and have often described them as “the bee’s knees”.

Her clergy can be identified by their distinctive official headwear known as the “Knee Cap”. In countries where religions are suppressed and they must act in secret, her followers will identify themselves to one another via the secret “Limp Handshake”. The mystics of Patella, are said to be able to predict the weather via their aching joints. When a new member is inducted into the priesthood they are ceremonially anointed with Deep Heat.

Patella was Christianised as the Cornish Pre-congregation saints, the twin sisters St Fibula and St Tibia. In the Ancient Greek pantheon her equivalent is Dodgyknees, who lived in a barrel. (If you find the puns in this one too painful, just try to appreciate the iron knee.)

Thank you Rebecca Stothard for suggesting Patella

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.