Madhur – Goddess of the Great British Curry

April 30, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 1 Comment

Gentle Goddess of British Curries, Writers, Travellers and Actresses, Madhur is a Jack of all trades and a Master of Naan.

She originated when the people of 20th century Britain realised that their food was monotonous bland crap and they desperately needed “Some of that foreign muck” to stave off the culinary ennui. Madhur was their saviour from the east, from the silver screen to the soup tureen. Now she is truly taken into their hearts.

You will almost certainly be first drawn to Madhur’s temple (or Dawat) by the delicious cooking aromas. Any visitor knocking at her temple door is warmly invited to cumin. (You may want to wear an extra layer of clove-ing, it can be a little chilli inside.) It is traditional for visitors to her temple to leave an offering of Biryani, known as the “Sacrifrice”.

Madhur is served by both priests and priestesses, known as “Madhur’s Dhalings”. The priesthood usually live in the temple where they each have a madras to sleep on with a pilau to rest their head. Priests traditionally wear tiny tight swimming trunks beneath their vestments, known as “Bhaji Smugglers”. This is why they always sit down gingerly. When the High Priestess is feeling a little down, the other priestesses will play some of the music of Karnataka to pep her up.

This is a religion characterised by a positive attitude to life amongst its devotees. In fact, they see positivity the ghee to success. They also believe in the balance of energy in the universe, or “Korma”. Followers of Madhur will cheerfully greet each other with a warm “Aloo!”. When something needs doing, they do it raita way, it is frowned upon to just sit around on your anise. When under stress they do their best to keep calm and karahi on.

(All jokes and puns above are homage and intended indiabsolute nicest possible way.)

Thank you to Adam Broadhurst for suggesting Madhur.

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Garnish – God of Superfluous Vegetables

April 20, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Garnish is a purely decorative deity. He is particularly associated with any fruit or vegetable one would never normally eat on its own, such as parsley, lemons and radishes carved into the shape of roses. He crops up in slight variations in many pantheons, but is thought to have originally been a Romaine God.

In all traditions his consort is the Goddess Dirti Martini. She is a little salty. However, he is said to not always be faithful, and to have pursued mortal lovers. You will know if Garnish has amorous intentions towards you as he will send you a dick pickle.

Garnish’s temple is instantly recognisable by the paper parasol, pineapple wedge and sparkler sticking out of the chimney. It is always artfully presented and kept in mint condition. Adjacent to the Temple is a cemetery where the distinguished followers of Garnish are berried. Inside the temple, tiny offerings of artfully arranged foodstuffs are placed on the altar daily. They joke that one should never eat an offering to Garnish oneself, and it may be that many a true word spoken is ingest. Or maybe Garnish actually doesn’t grately carrot all.

Followers of Garnish will acknowledge one another with the greeting “Olive you!”. Every rite in his temple begins with the line, “Lettuce pray”. A common meditative aid used by followers of Garnish is to draw intricate Mandalas on oversized white plates using “jus” or “coulis”.

The current High Priest is called Elvis Parsley, his consort Rosemary serves as High Priestess. Together they are responsible for spreading good chives and delivering sage advice. They always make thyme for their congregation and love grows where Rosemary goes. Sadly, despite serving him with relish, all the clergy of Garnish have their wages deducted slightly each month.

One specialist sect of Garnish’s priesthood are researchers in Molecular Biology. They have succeeded in engineering several new species. The most popular of these may be the “Pimento Olive”. The genes of a pepper were spliced into a green olive tree so that a tiny piquant pepper grows inside each olive in place of the stone.

The first commandment of Garnish is: Avacadon’t.

Thank you to Kris Hudson-Lee @nomenloony for suggesting Garnish.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Quinoa – God of Faddy Diets

April 10, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 1 Comment

If you thought the dietary rules of Halal, Kashrut or the Bhagavad Gita were hard to follow, you haven’t tried following the way of Quinoa. He is an underground deity who goes against the grain. In the story of his origin, he was a mortal man who drowned in the mainstream but was resurrected and elevated to god-hood by…
…well, you’ve probably never heard of him.

The first person to follow the way of Quinoa did it, “About, like 100 years before anyone else did, man”. The rest say they are doing it ironically. Followers of Quinoa always have burnt tongues because they ate their food before it was cool. They can be distinguished by their excessively product laden, obsessively groomed facial hair, heavy framed glasses with plain glass in them and their red trousers. They often ride to the temple on Penny-farthing bicycles.

There are regular rites held in Quinoa’s temples. These are mainly long winded lectures on artisanal food production based on tenuous science. The cult of Quinoa encourages the use of microwaves. They don’t like conventional ovens. The section of the service that would be called the “sermon” in other churches, is known as the “Quinoa-Oat” address. There are occasionally live performances of sacred music on sackbut, glockenspiel and didgeridoo. However, more often, music is provided from recordings on VINYL, ALWAYS VINYL!

At Quinoa’s temple one can also purchase a cup of refreshing coffee that is made from locally sourced ingredients and is free from dairy, sugar, coffee and the dreaded dihydrogen monoxide. Though, it does come with vegan, organic sprinkles. When you hear how much it costs, you’ll say ” ‘kin wha’ ?!”

Quinoa can be a wrathful god. Referring to him as a “Hipster Deity” is the ultimate blasphemy and will incur an immediate smiting.

Thank you to Adam Broadhurst for suggesting Quinoa.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.