Candida – Goddess of Itchy Privates and Plain Speaking

April 25, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Candida is a goddess with a very pale complexion and a constant expression of torment. If you are visited by Candida, unlike other deities, she will deliver her directions in no uncertain terms. She can sometimes be a little rash. You won’t get vague portents or metaphors from this goddess!

In her origin mythology she is said to have originally have been simply the Goddess of Blunt Truths. She was laid low by an attack from the furious Demon Bacterium (because the truth hurts). She was saved by the Goddess Penicillin, but was left with a sense of constant irritation and pH imbalance.

Her principle temple is located near Scratchy Bottom on the South Coast. Possibly due to the proximity to the sea, there is a distinct piscine aroma to the place. Her clergy move around the compound using the ceremonial walk, short steps with knees held together and fingers clenched. Any priest or priestess caught walking normally will be given a dishonourable discharge.

Throughout her services her devotees will sit on their hands with their legs crossed as they listen to a forthright sermon. The temple houses a particularly ornate mighty organ, which is decorated with an intricate relief depicting cavorting crabs. It is played at every service and the congregation must loudly applaud. The organist tends to get upset if they don’t get the clap every week. For some reason, peas are usually served at temple meals. One should never attempt to steal peas from a priestess’s plate. Those are her peas. Yogurt is also regularly served. Just not at meal times.

Candida is also known as “Throssel”, “The Beast from the Yeast” and “Lady Chalk of Billingsgate”. She was assimilated by the early Celtic church and Christianised as Saint Albicans. Thrushes are her sacred animals.

Thank you to Sarah Shepton @Afishoutofwtf for suggesting Candida.

Idol Scribblings Volume Two
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Thank you for reading. If you have enjoyed this deity, please feel free to share it with your friends. New deities are published weekly. You can get alerted to new deities via Facebook through the Idol Scribbling Page or on Twitter by following @IdolScribblings . Catch up on the Pantheon so far here.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Cancelle – Goddess of Public Transport

April 6, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Cancelle watches over all those who chose to take their spiritual journey in close communion with others from all walks of life. She is appealed to by those who wait in the rain or stand in the aisles. Some say that worship of Cancelle is the preserve of the less financially fortunate. However, she also has affluent devotees who believe following her way has benefits for the whole planet. The way of Cancelle is considered by many to be the most environmentally friendly method of getting to the afterlife. Devotees of Cancelle believe that, when they die, they will travel to the next world on a brand new, clean Omnichariot. (The Omnichariot is a high occupancy vehicle which will always move twice as fast when you are trying to catch it as when you are in it). The scriptures say that (for the righteous) it will arrive on time and will be of the correct operating company to accept the Day-Mega-Soul-Saver ticket you purchased earlier. If one has lived an especially devout life, one will travel to the afterlife without having to share a seat or hold a conversation with a fruitcake.

In antiquity her temples used to be known as “Stations”. However, in the 21st Century they have been trendily rebranded as “Interchanges”. They are cavernous halls filled with the aromas of the traditional diesel fume and urine scented incense. The readings and sermon are delivered in an ethereal echoic voice through a crackly P.A. system. Although delivered at great volume and in Received Pronunciation, it is impossible to decipher any useful information. As a back-up, the key points of the homily and scriptures are displayed on electronic screens (when they are working). The service will begin with a cry of “Hold tight please” and will end with the ringing of a small bell. There is almost always inadequate seating in the temples, to ease this issue one should move to the back of the temple on entering. In getting to the back of the temple one can fall over 50 feet with only minor injuries. You should not attempt to sit in one of the “priority seats” at the front unless you have genuine need of them. They are reserved for the elderly and infirm of the congregation. Transgressors of this rule will be condemned to die the “Death of a Thousand Walking Sticks”.

There are some strict rules you must abide by if you wish to visit one of Cancelle’s houses of worship. Unlike many other faiths, consumption of alcohol is forbidden within the temple. Also loud music, skateboarding and keep your feet off the seats. Worshippers are constantly reminded not to leave baggage unattended and are advised to report suspicious packages. So it’s advised not to wear budgie smugglers when visiting. The largest and most famous of Cancelle’s temples is located in Hull. It is considered to be the Paragon of temples. In order to visit one will need to purchase a ticket to Hull and back. If you are in need of refreshment during your visit, most of her temples feature a café serving tea and coffee, the price of which is inversely proportional to the quality. They also serve the customary holy trinity of foods; the Pious Pasty, the Sacred Sausage Roll and the Transcendental Teacake. They do try to keep the temples maintained. If a statue of Cancelle gets broken, they have a replacement bust service.

The High Priest of each temple is known as the “Driver”, and they are assisted by their deputy, known the “Conductor”. (In the higher Maglev Temples, this post is called the “Superconductor”.) As one leaves the temple after your visit, one must express one’s thanks to the priest or be considered a mannerless oaf by all other worshippers. In the south-west the traditional expression of gratitude is “Cheers Drive!” but this varies from region to region. Smaller shrines and chapels are known as “Stops” or “Halts” and may consist of little more than a holy sign on a chewing gum encrusted pole. These are often situated in bleak and isolated places, serving the homesteads of a few remote faithful.

The scriptures of Cancelle are revised at least once annually, changing the number and timings of services, in order to maintain the mystery of the faith. However, the tradition of having a long period of inactivity at some point in the day followed by three services back to back, is always preserved. The days on which the new scriptures are adopted are invariably days of chaos. Cancelle appears in numerous pantheons around the world and is also sometimes known as Schedula, Tramantha and in Wales as Bend-Y-Bus. She is also the Goddess of Monorails, but I couldn’t think of any one-liners about that.

Cancelle was suggested by Nigel Harper whilst on the 135 to Sheffield.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Ku-Klux-Nan – Goddess of Racist Biddies

April 5, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Ku-Klux-Nan is a truly ancient goddess. She’s 5987 you know, and she can remember a time before we had any of this nonsense. Much of what we know of the origin of this goddess come down to us through the surviving writings of the 4th BCE writer Xenophobe. In the days when there was but one pantheon known in the world, Ku-Klux-Nan was the Goddess of Quiet Lives. The first time she encountered a deity from another land, she was overcome by fear and jealousy. “How dare they come over here stealing our worshippers!”. This vitriol was so powerful that it warped her very form into that of a wizened hag with a mouth like a cat’s arse. It is said by some that she was rendered so hideous that she henceforth covered her fearsome visage with a white hood. Others say that she is wearing it because she just had a wash and set done and it’s drizzling. Ku-Klux-Nan has numerous Children and Grandchildren. They are all hideously embarrassed by her when she gets on about politics.

The religion of Ku-Klux-Nan, presided over by High Priestess Hatie Cockpins, is an isolationist one. They associate very rarely with those outside the faith, and then only for the purposes of trade. A highly judgemental sect, their disapproval is usually expressed through glares, snide comments, boycotting, marching and funding right wing politics. Occasionally they are driven to smite people with a flaming, rolled up copy of the Daily Fail. The clergy live on a strict diet of gammon and each other’s opinions. Followers of Ku-Klux-Nan believe that when the righteous die, they will go to a Utopian afterlife, which is just like what England wasn’t really like in the 1950s (See: Isle of White).

Surprisingly, amongst Ku-Klux-Nan’s followers you will sometimes find elderly members of the long-standing immigrant community. They are there to complain about the latest lot to arrive and how they are ruining everything. They may even win the grudging acceptance of the other church members, provided they can whip up a satisfactory Victoria Sponge for the Garden Fete and don’t have too strong an accent. Having them around proves that the other members of the faith are not racist but…

The Temple of Ku-Klux-Nan is essentially massive echo chamber. Amongst other things it houses a protest placard production workshop, but not a single dictionary. It can be found nestled in England’s green and pleasant land for 8 months of the year. Every November the Temple fully relocates to Benidorm for 4 months. They go well prepared with proper British provisions so that no foreign muck has to be consumed, and a proper cup of tea is assured. Whilst there they will entertain themselves by continually complaining about the locals. Every March they migrate back to the UK in a ritual pilgrimage known as “Taking Our Country Back”. (Outside observers often comment that it was a bit daft for them to leave it lying around unattended in the first place.)

(Shout out to Sarah Shepton, from whom I have shamelessly borrowed the “Hatie Cockpins” shtick.)

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Tequila – Goddess of Regret

April 4, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

When life gives you lemons, then you need to find Tequila… …and salt. Originating amongst the ancient Mayan civilisation, Tequila may be the only holy spirit you can bottle. It is a very friendly religion. Every other follower is your besht mate in the whole damn world and you love them man.

Tequila (or Mescal in the ancient Mayan religion), was appropriated by the Catholics as Santa Margarita, her feast coinciding with Shrove Tuesday, (as in don’t forget the Jiff Lemon on Santa Margarita Day). Her sacred animal is the Tequila Mockingbird.

Her temple houses a large distillery surrounded by picturesque gardens of spiky agave plants. The air is filled with the sound of the faithful chanting the mantra “Lick, Swallow, Suck”. Visitors can obtain (in return for an offering) a bottle of Tequila’s sacred libation. The floor is pocked with innumerable dents from where thousands of pilgrims have passed out over the centuries. As the saying goes, “One Tequila, two Tequila, three Tequila, FLOOR!”.

It is said that the spirit of Tequila has many mystical powers. These include the ability to turn a dog into a fox and to make you believe that you are an Adonis when naked. Each bottle contains what appears to be a dead worm. However, it is said that after three shots of sacrament the worm will speak to you, but it will only speak utter bollocks.

The Tequilan’s have an ancient calendar but it is incomplete. Her scholars figured it wouldn’t be the end of the world if they never finished it.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.