Mana Mana – The Great Earwyrm

October 20, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Mana Mana is just one of the many deities of music. Their provinces are hooks, jingles, and catchy tunes. Unlike most other deities, Mana Mana is known to regularly possess the minds of mortal humans. They enter minds via the airwaves and set up home near the auditory nerve. Once installed they will repeatedly sing the last catchy song you heard. Unfortunately, they rarely know all the words, and usually only know the chorus, or even just the bit that goes “diddly qua qua, diddly qua qua”. Thanks to the miracle of modern broadcasting technology their powers of possession are prolific. They are capable of possessing thousands or even millions of human minds at any one time. Affecting believers and non-believers alike.

If you are possessed by Mana Mana the experience can last for anything from a couple of hours to a week. For a non-believer his possession may, at first, be merely mildly irritating, but after an extended period possession has been known to drive even strong minds to insanity. Many methods of shortening a possession by Mana Mana have been suggested and tried. These include listening to the particular tune Mana Mana is singing to you properly, chewing gum, naked dancing with ritual chanting and listening to Radio 4. However, the only known sure-fire method to end a possession is to drive a railroad spike through your head.

Far from trying to banish possessions prematurely, acolytes of Mana Mana cherish the experience of possession and will seek to maintain an earwyrm for as long as possible. There is a fundamentalist sect who fast for long periods, denying themselves all corporeal sustenance. In order to achieve this they enter a trance-like state of meditative communication with Mana Mana. Using this method, they are able to spend several weeks at a time living on a prayer. The High Priest of Mana Mana is Joe Pasquale. He was appointed as he knows a lot of songs that will get on your nerves.

The sect of Mana Mana may be the most prolific and most gregarious of all religions. Once you enter the faith, you will quickly get to know everyone. In fact, you are likely to run into a fellow worshipper almost anywhere you may go. It’s a small world after all. Every year followers of Mana Mana gather for a great festival. They celebrate with a great masquerade ball where the celebrants dress as infant sea creatures and dance the night away. This shindig is known as “The Baby Shark Doo”. The following day they observe their “Day of the Dead (Ringer For Love)” and hold a ceremony where the priesthood will form a circle in a graveyard. The high priest will then solemnly chant the words “Sweet Caroline”. If you listen closely, from beneath the soil, one will hear thousands of withered voices respond “Da Da Daaaaaah”.

The Blessed Gloria Gaynor is celebrated for almost becoming a martyr to the faith of Mana Mana. After belting out one catchy anthem too many she was cruelly beaten by a mob of heretics just outside the North Yorkshire town of Knaresborough. Then she was bodily thrown into Mother Shipton’s well. First she was affrayed, then she was petrified. After that she had to go and live in Ambleside. I would tell you then rest of the story, but you all already know that she will survive.

The Temple of Mana Mana is located on Bennie Hill and has a large aerial on the roof which broadcasts “Mana Mana Gold FM – Infuriating Classic Pop Hits 24/7”. The DJ priests diligently ensure Mana Mana comes into the ears of the nation daily. Why not tune in for their famous, long-running, “Sick of the Pops” show? The mascot of the radio station is a mighty lion.

The temple doorbell, when rung, gives you a short blast of Kylie’s “I Just Can’t Get You Out of My Head” played on a synthesizer chip made from fingernails and blackboards. As you enter, you will see that the hall of the temple has a glass ceiling and a mirrored floor. This is so that when worshippers enter on a nice day it creates the optical illusion that they are walking on sunshine. In the temple yard is the enclosure where the lion will sleep tonight.

Mana Mana is a deity who is going to be in your life, whether you like it or not. So, don’t stop believing.

Thank you to Robin Lawrence for suggesting Mana Mana.

Idol Scribblings Volume Two
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A collection of 52 deities, ancient and modern, for all occations from Idol Scribblings. Produced in 2019-2020.

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Thank you for reading. If you have enjoyed this deity, please feel free to share it with your friends. New deities are published weekly. You can get alerted to new deities via Facebook through the Idol Scribbling Page or on Twitter by following @IdolScribblings . Catch up on the Pantheon so far here.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

(To anyone who feels that I may have trespassed on a timeless and beloved puppet character: Please allow me to assure you that Mana Mana is only a little bit of an animal.)

Piccaeolus – God of Flautists

June 13, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Piccaeolus is a musical deity with equivalent avatars in the pantheons of many cultures. He is also known as Kazooka, Flautulus, Djethro and Flautingale. He watches over all wind musicians, particularly the little baby piccolo players. The story of his origin states that he was a mortal war child (yes, he was living, in the past) from Rock Island. He shot to fame with his musical performance in a benefit Passion Play. Whilst out one night on storm watch, he was wearing the crest of a knave and a broadsword. This attracted a lightning strike which scorched him and the tree he was stood under from roots to branches. He was resurrected by a remorseful thunder god and elevated to the godhood to serve as minstrel to the gods. Initially the thunder god wanted to keep this under wraps, but Piccaeolus couldn’t wait to stand up and was soon bursting out.

The Temple of Piccaeolus is located in Galway. It is a tall, narrow, cylindrical stone tower with nine ovoid windows. It is carved from silvery andesite and features elegant fluted columns. It, perhaps sensibly, does not have any glass in the windows. At all times within the temple there will be two flutes being played by a minstrel in the gallery. They play the sacred music of Piccaeolus in unison with a minor second interval. There are no temple cats. If there were any they fled long ago. The temple has never ever been cleaned inside, although the outside is very shiny. Hidden to the rear is a constantly dripping outflow tap from which a clear, slimy substance drips constantly.

At the Temple flautists can partake in lessons from the priests. The priesthood are renowned experts in tonging and you will marvel at their fingering technique. You cannot help but improve under their tutelage. They can even teach you the techniques of “Survival Musicianship”. For example making emergency flutes carved from cucumbers. These makeshift instruments are known as Pickle-os. The sacred text of Piccaeolus “Songs from the Wood” will form the core of your syllabus. Be sure to be attentive and keep up in lessons. You don’t want them to think you’re thick as a brick. (Sadly Piccaeolus himself is illiterate. He doesn’t reed at all.)

The priests and priestesses of Piccaeolus also often act as trusted, secure couriers of valuable and sensitive items. They place the items in their care into flute cases, as this means they will never, ever get stolen. However, should you attempt to intercept them, beware! They practice a deadly martial art which involves firing darts from transverse blow-pipes whist standing on one leg to confuse the enemy. The priesthood and more devout followers of Piccaeolus can be recognised by the wearing of the traditional “Soul Stice” prayer bells around the feet. The most devout sect of all go everywhere riding heavy horses and wearing aqualungs.

The followers of Piccaeolus are renowned for all being a little eccentric. In truth every one’s a fruit and nut case. Within the faith of Piccaeolus it is possible to marry one’s musical instrument. In fact, many senior priests do this as an act of devotion. This unusual wedding ritual is very beautiful and moving. Guests will often tear up when the High Priest says “I now pronounce you Man and Fife”. The faith of Piccaeolus is for life. You are still welcome in their community when you’re too old to rock and roll.

Piccaeolus is a joint effort between Wendy Barrows, Pascal Harper, John Kennard, Carey Anne Boyce and Ju Haynes. Thank you for your puntastic assistance. We would jointly like to send our humble apologies to Mr Ian Anderson for the liberties we have taken.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Wantoo – God of Sound Engineers

April 17, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Wantoo is the sound engineer of the Gods. He sits amongst the mass of mortals and controls the volume and quality of the music of the spheres. He is the master of the gate to heavenly music. Legends tell of the origin of his golden mixing desk, which was touched by King Midas. Safe in Wantoo’s capable hands, the other deities can speakon with confidence that they will be clearly heard. Wantoo is assisted by his faithful roadie Jack Plug, who does the heavy lifting and his consort Lampie, the Goddess of Heavenly Lighting. The sacred text of Wantoo is called “The Folio of Spirits”.

Wantoo’s is always depicted wearing a distinctive net skirt, known as the Wantoo Tutu, which is also worn by his priesthood. Wantoo’s priests learn to master the art of sound engineering to try to achieve divine perfect sound for lesser mortal musicians. Despite this noble intent, the relationship between Wantoo and musicians is sometimes strained. They say that difference between a Priest of Wantoo and a toilet is that a toilet only has to take crap from one arsehole at once. Divas should beware though. Wantoo watches over his priests and if provoked too far he will use “Strongbow” his mighty weapon of divine smiting. He often uses Strongbow to reduce musicians with egos to piles of salt.

The Commandments of Wantoo

-Thou shalt change thy battery before each gig.
-Thou shalt bring thine own instrument cable.
-Thou shalt learn what all thy knobs and pedals do.
-Thou shalt wrap cables properly.
– Thou shalt not use thine own vocal effects.
– Thou shalt play thy drum kit appropriately for the room.
– Thou shalt not keep asking to be turned up in the monitors.
– Though shalt have a tuner and use it.
– Thou shalt not play whilst other artists are sound checking.
– Thou shalt not over run thy set time.

Those who break these commandments will be banished to the monitor desk.

Temples of Wantoo are often found in pub back rooms and cellar venues. The floor inside is printed with the traditional “sticky glaze” to encourage visitors to stay as long as possible. Worshippers will try to cluster as close as possible to the altar, situated in the centre-rear of the knave, to experience the best sound. A typical service will comprise a two hour sound check and a half hour of homily. Worship always ends with a call and response between the priest and congregation such as,

Priest: Go in peace. We gather again next Wednesday.
Congregation: Yes, it is very windy.
Priest: Wendy will be holding a bake sale on Thursday.
Congregation: Me too, let’s go for a pint.

Wantoo also appears in the Roman pantheon as Tinnatus and was Christianised as St Alan du Heath.

Thank you to Carrie-May Mealor for suggesting Wantoo.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Elvish – God of Tribute Acts

April 12, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Whenever a legend dies and leaves a musical legacy, Elvish will send one of his followers to keep their memory alive. His followers believe that, if they devote their lives to honouring their chosen bard, after their own death they will go to heaven, known to them as Graceland. They try to pursue their spiritual journey whilst defending their faith against suspicious minds. Neophytes begin their journey as members of the “Tribute Audience” for the higher ranking acolytes.

Followers are welcomed from all walks of life. Perhaps remembering that Elvish himself had unusually humble beginnings. His parents were lowly Hearth Gods of Baking, and he was born in the gateaux.

The Temples of Elvish have brightly lit, attention grabbing, frontages with neon signboards. His largest and chief Temple is located in Las Vegas. This temple houses many sacred relics such as the original “Jailhouse Rock”, the holy Teddy Bear and a huge collection of Good Luck Charms. The Temple is actually built around an ancient tree which forms the wooden heart of the structure.

If you visit his Temple you may get to hear a rendition of one of Elvish’s most well known hymns, it goes “Sing Hosanna to the King, Baby.” On your visit you may also get the honour of meeting current High Priest of Elvish, Mr Amaal Shoukup. If you need guidance you can consult the Pelvic Oracle who also resides in the temple. You won’t find Elvish himself there though. Elvish has left the building.

The Priesthood can be recognised by their distinctive white vestments adorned with precious gems of Rhine Zirconia. They move softly around the compound in their blue suede shoes. Every day they devote many hours to vocal training, dressmaking and pelvic exercises.

The priesthood run a wide range of eateries to raise funds for their church and costumes. These range from the humble “Ain’t Nothin’ but a Hotdog”* and “The Wonder of Stew” to the Michelin Starred “Art Steak Hotel**”. All provide excellent quality fare, and are recommended to those who love meat tender. All these eateries celebrate an annual festival of Elvish where they give away free fruit. So be sure to visit one on “Unchained Melon Day”. Not all catering ventures are run by the priesthood though, some chefs fraudulently claim membership. There’s a guy works down our chip shop who swears he’s Elvish, but he’s a liar.

Be sure to welcome Elvish into your life. Thanks to his followers he is available for Birthdays, Weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. Oh yeah. Uh huh huh. Thankyouverymuch.

Thank you to Jerome Perks for suggesting Elvish (and to STP who also made that joke, but in another way***).

*If you want to be cryin’ all the time, onions are extra.
** Why yes! It IS down at the end of a lonely street.
*** And in tribute I am cramming in as many footnotes as I can.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.