Anaglypta & Artex – Gods of Failed DIY Projects

April 19, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 2 Comments

The patron deities of “structural decor”. These gods have been around a long time, and it is likely to be many more centuries until the last traces of them are removed. They were first appealed to by terrified Roman plebeians cowering in their ramshackle insulae.

The Temple of Anaglypta and Artex is a potential death trap, despite initially appearing neat and sound, though dated. Don’t let this fool you. Chunks of masonry or plaster may fall on you like blessings from above. The pews are held together with matchsticks rather than dowels, and will collapse conveniently beneath your weight to help you assume the correct prostrate position for prayer.

In mythology Artex and Anaglypta are husband and wife. Theirs is a passionate and stormy relationship, often fought in the aisles of B&Q. In the end Artex won dominion over the ceilings and Anaglypta won control of the walls below the picture rail. Now, in unison, they cover their realms to hide the cracks in the universe and hold up the lath of the heavens. Before marrying Anaglypta, Artex was linked with Asbestos, until Asbestos was banished from the realm by the COSHH.

Artex is a spiky, prickly character. A brush with him is likely to leave you raw and bleeding. Anaglypta always looks slightly tired, old and dusty. She sometimes flocks to hang out in Indian restaurants.

At the festival of Artex it is traditional for worshippers to get plastered. Sometimes things can get a bit rough between followers who favour Artex the most, and those who love Anaglypta. In the resultant fight, the followers of Anaglypta usually get pasted. Their most memorable hymn is “What Goes Up” by Gordon & Brown.

Thank you to Adam Broadhust and Rebecca Stothard for coming up with Anaglypta and Artex separately. I hope you don’t mind that I married them off.

Idol Scribblings Volume Two
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Gourdius – God of Pumpkins

April 15, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Gourdius was thought to have originally been a deeply unpopular mortal tyrant. Myths tell us that he had a very high opinion of himself and was something of a big-head. Upon his death he was “accidentally” embalmed with Sunny Delight, which brought about his apocolocyntosis. Despite having been an unpopular human and ruler, Gourdius somehow became a very popular deity. At the peak of his prominence, millions of people around the world followed the Lord Gourd Almighty.

Temples of Gourdius are often located in the seedy part of their town. A new temple is made every year on the site. First the priests will plant the seeds of the sacred cultivar Cucurbita ingenti. This plant will be carefully tended until it has grown to its impressive full size. The flesh of the fruit will then be hollowed out and the remaining rind is consecrated (hallowed out). Typically the doors and windows will be carved out in such a way that, when the temple is illuminated inside with candles on a dark night, when viewed from the outside it has the appearance of Gourdius’ face. The removed flesh is not wasted. It has its diameter divided by its circumference to make Pumpkin Pi for the inaugural festivities. If they have a poor year for rain, the resultant temple may be quite small. It will still be used until a new one can be grown next year. Even though it may be a bit of a squash. The congregation can usually contort themselves to fit in, as they all practice pie-lates.

The Priests rarely leave the temple and will spend much of their time in meditative skulking in its darker corners. Their motto is, “If you’ve got it, haunt it”. Do be careful to mind your language at the temple and generally around his followers. Exclaiming “Gourdon Bennet!”, even in a moment of great pain, is considered to be a terrible blasphemy. You are likely to be arrested, given a summary trial in their Squash Court, and turned into a fairy-tale carriage at midnight if found guilty. The current High Priest is Benedict Cucumberpatch VI. He was chosen for office because of his extreme pie-ty.

Every year, Gourdius’ main festival is held at the end of October. This festival celebrates Gourdius’ aspect of annual death and rebirth. The key ethos of the festival is to enjoy life while you have it. During these days his followers will eat, drink and be scary. It is also customary for them to “Trick or treat yo’ self” at this time.

The second coming of Gourdius has been predicted many times, but he has never materialised. His Prophets have now come to the conclusion that The Great Pumpkin is just fashionably latte.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Cholesterolia – Goddess of Fry-Ups

April 13, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

The saviour of the manual worker and the hung-over. She is usually considered to be a Goddess of the morning, but is actually welcome at any time of day. Cholesterolia is particularly popular in Scotland, Ireland and Gibraltar.

In the early days of her church, two distinct orders emerged. The “Red Saucers” and the “Brown Saucers”. The “Brown Saucers” then schismed further into the “HPs” and the “Daddies”. In South Yorkshire there is a heretical break away sect called the “Hendos”.

Her temples are known as “Dicula Pinguia”. Inside worshippers can partake of the service and shared meal sat on plastic chairs at Formica tables. The Priests and Priestesses are typically surly and robed in symbolically stained vestments. Religious literature is freely available, in tabloid format. On her altar stands a display of condiments, crisps, chocolate and cans. Adjacent to this is the offertory jar hopefully labelled “Tips”. The walls are adorned with scriptures listing the permitted foods, with no regard to the correct usage of any known human language. If you pass the door you might hear the sound of a meditation chant drifting out on the breeze “Ooooooooommmmmlette”.

There are certain sins which are considered deadly to followers of Cholesterolia. Chief amongst these are; letting smashed avocado anywhere near your fry up, garnishing with anything green, asking for hippy teas, and serving said fry up on anything other than a proper plate. Transgressors will be beaten until they are scrambled. (White pudding, Lorne sausage, lava bread, potato cakes, oat cakes and soda bread are all accepted regional variations.)

Her holy day is Fry-day.

Cholesterolia was inspired by the photos of gargantuan weekend fry ups that Jake Cosford, Martin Thiselton and Keith Schofield kept posting. Cholesterolia must watch over them, for they are all still slim!

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Elvish – God of Tribute Acts

April 12, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Whenever a legend dies and leaves a musical legacy, Elvish will send one of his followers to keep their memory alive. His followers believe that, if they devote their lives to honouring their chosen bard, after their own death they will go to heaven, known to them as Graceland. They try to pursue their spiritual journey whilst defending their faith against suspicious minds. Neophytes begin their journey as members of the “Tribute Audience” for the higher ranking acolytes.

Followers are welcomed from all walks of life. Perhaps remembering that Elvish himself had unusually humble beginnings. His parents were lowly Hearth Gods of Baking, and he was born in the gateaux.

The Temples of Elvish have brightly lit, attention grabbing, frontages with neon signboards. His largest and chief Temple is located in Las Vegas. This temple houses many sacred relics such as the original “Jailhouse Rock”, the holy Teddy Bear and a huge collection of Good Luck Charms. The Temple is actually built around an ancient tree which forms the wooden heart of the structure.

If you visit his Temple you may get to hear a rendition of one of Elvish’s most well known hymns, it goes “Sing Hosanna to the King, Baby.” On your visit you may also get the honour of meeting current High Priest of Elvish, Mr Amaal Shoukup. If you need guidance you can consult the Pelvic Oracle who also resides in the temple. You won’t find Elvish himself there though. Elvish has left the building.

The Priesthood can be recognised by their distinctive white vestments adorned with precious gems of Rhine Zirconia. They move softly around the compound in their blue suede shoes. Every day they devote many hours to vocal training, dressmaking and pelvic exercises.

The priesthood run a wide range of eateries to raise funds for their church and costumes. These range from the humble “Ain’t Nothin’ but a Hotdog”* and “The Wonder of Stew” to the Michelin Starred “Art Steak Hotel**”. All provide excellent quality fare, and are recommended to those who love meat tender. All these eateries celebrate an annual festival of Elvish where they give away free fruit. So be sure to visit one on “Unchained Melon Day”. Not all catering ventures are run by the priesthood though, some chefs fraudulently claim membership. There’s a guy works down our chip shop who swears he’s Elvish, but he’s a liar.

Be sure to welcome Elvish into your life. Thanks to his followers he is available for Birthdays, Weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. Oh yeah. Uh huh huh. Thankyouverymuch.

Thank you to Jerome Perks for suggesting Elvish (and to STP who also made that joke, but in another way***).

*If you want to be cryin’ all the time, onions are extra.
** Why yes! It IS down at the end of a lonely street.
*** And in tribute I am cramming in as many footnotes as I can.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Quinoa – God of Faddy Diets

April 10, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 1 Comment

If you thought the dietary rules of Halal, Kashrut or the Bhagavad Gita were hard to follow, you haven’t tried following the way of Quinoa. He is an underground deity who goes against the grain. In the story of his origin, he was a mortal man who drowned in the mainstream but was resurrected and elevated to god-hood by…
…well, you’ve probably never heard of him.

The first person to follow the way of Quinoa did it, “About, like 100 years before anyone else did, man”. The rest say they are doing it ironically. Followers of Quinoa always have burnt tongues because they ate their food before it was cool. They can be distinguished by their excessively product laden, obsessively groomed facial hair, heavy framed glasses with plain glass in them and their red trousers. They often ride to the temple on Penny-farthing bicycles.

There are regular rites held in Quinoa’s temples. These are mainly long winded lectures on artisanal food production based on tenuous science. The cult of Quinoa encourages the use of microwaves. They don’t like conventional ovens. The section of the service that would be called the “sermon” in other churches, is known as the “Quinoa-Oat” address. There are occasionally live performances of sacred music on sackbut, glockenspiel and didgeridoo. However, more often, music is provided from recordings on VINYL, ALWAYS VINYL!

At Quinoa’s temple one can also purchase a cup of refreshing coffee that is made from locally sourced ingredients and is free from dairy, sugar, coffee and the dreaded dihydrogen monoxide. Though, it does come with vegan, organic sprinkles. When you hear how much it costs, you’ll say ” ‘kin wha’ ?!”

Quinoa can be a wrathful god. Referring to him as a “Hipster Deity” is the ultimate blasphemy and will incur an immediate smiting.

Thank you to Adam Broadhurst for suggesting Quinoa.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.