Dave is a legend and top quality banter merchant. He is a deity who will always stand his round. He is the god you can call on at 3 am. The god who you know would help you with anything from moving house to hiding the bodies. Dave works in IT and he WILL fix your laptop.
In his mythology Dave is the wing man of the gods. Happily married to “Beckki – Goddess of BFFs”, Dave will happily introduce his single friends to the disappointed deities who approach him. He can also be pursuaded to remove his shirt on hot days in the Olympic Park to entice passing gaggles of Goddesses into striking up an idle conversation.
Followers will greet each other warmly with bone-crushing hugs, where the groins remain a respectable distance apart, and the words “How are you, you old bastard!”.
What happens in the Temple of Dave stays in the Temple of Dave. When a true devotee of Dave enters his temple, their wi-fi connects automatically. The temple has many attractions including; a superb collection of games consoles, a big-screen TV (Dave gets all the sports and movie channels), Pool Table, Luxury Coffee Machine (Dave is Italian by descent) and a Darts Board. There are no hard wooden pews in Dave’s temple. It’s sofas and reclining massage chairs all the way.
The grounds of the temple house a comprehensively equipped workshop where Dave’s priests will happily help a devotee fix their car or lawnmower. Next to this is a soundproof band rehearsal and recording studio with a collection of vintage guitars for improptu jam sessions. There is also a basketball hoop and enough lawn for a kick about (the congregation are shirts, the priesthood are skins). On visiting his temple, you may be asked to donate a tenner. Don’t worry. Dave will always pay you back.
The priests of Dave are renowned for being larger than life and excellent home-brewers. During communion with Dave the beer flows freely and worshippers consume this with “Friend Chips”. You can even take a six-pack of “Dave” away with you. If you imbibe, the priests will let you sleep over or see you safely home. Dave does not let his followers drive drunk.
Sadly, Dave has been barred from “The Virgin’s Arms” over a bit of a disagreement over the tab. His sacred animal is a slightly wiffy mongrel dog that cadges crisps by doing tricks.
Inspiration for Dave came entirely from Michelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni. Cheers Mick! Yer a true mate!
Idol Scribblings Volume Two
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