Gelatine – Goddess of Wobbly Desserts

A Goddess set in a perfect mould. One is always certain when one has seen a vision of Gelatine – because Jam don’t shake like that. In her mythology she seduces allsorts of unsuspecting mortals to bear an army of children, known as the Geli Babies. She raises and trains these demi-god warriors to fight the demons Aspic and Vegan. She is not a goddess to be trifled with. When not procreating and waging war she resides on a remote dessert aisle.

Her temples are delicate architectural shells that are sometimes made of plastic, ceramic or glass. However, the highest of her churches are always made of brilliant burnished copper. The shapes vary, but interconnected ascending domes and sweeping arches are common themes. The altar is always laden with a display of delectable dessert offerings. The altar constantly gently oscillates by means of a cunning concealed mechanism. During a typical rite at one of Gelatine’s temples, one will partake of a communion of bread and wine gums.

Gelatine has a somewhat rubenesque priesthood. They will daily engage in at least an hour of meditative jiggling. This is said to be quite a sight to see. The High Priestess or Priest is known as “The Great Haribo”. The high priest has exclusive access to air travel in the church’s Jellycopter which can often be seen wobbling through the sky as The Great Haribo goes about the Goddess’ work. The current Great Haribo is called Mr Gerry Bean.

Gelatine the kind of deity one often finds where one least expects her to be. She is also a guardian of medicines and washing detergent. However, she not an all powerful deity. She is vulnerable to water, high temperatures and pineapples.

In pre-congregation times she was Christianised and later appropriated by the Roman Catholic Church as St Blancmange.

Thank you to Pascal Harper for suggesting Gelatine.

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