Tequila – Goddess of Regret

April 4, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

When life gives you lemons, then you need to find Tequila… …and salt. Originating amongst the ancient Mayan civilisation, Tequila may be the only holy spirit you can bottle. It is a very friendly religion. Every other follower is your besht mate in the whole damn world and you love them man.

Tequila (or Mescal in the ancient Mayan religion), was appropriated by the Catholics as Santa Margarita, her feast coinciding with Shrove Tuesday, (as in don’t forget the Jiff Lemon on Santa Margarita Day). Her sacred animal is the Tequila Mockingbird.

Her temple houses a large distillery surrounded by picturesque gardens of spiky agave plants. The air is filled with the sound of the faithful chanting the mantra “Lick, Swallow, Suck”. Visitors can obtain (in return for an offering) a bottle of Tequila’s sacred libation. The floor is pocked with innumerable dents from where thousands of pilgrims have passed out over the centuries. As the saying goes, “One Tequila, two Tequila, three Tequila, FLOOR!”.

It is said that the spirit of Tequila has many mystical powers. These include the ability to turn a dog into a fox and to make you believe that you are an Adonis when naked. Each bottle contains what appears to be a dead worm. However, it is said that after three shots of sacrament the worm will speak to you, but it will only speak utter bollocks.

The Tequilan’s have an ancient calendar but it is incomplete. Her scholars figured it wouldn’t be the end of the world if they never finished it.

Idol Scribblings Volume Two
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Thank you for reading. If you have enjoyed this deity, please feel free to share it with your friends. New deities are published weekly. You can get alerted to new deities via Facebook through the Idol Scribbling Page or on Twitter by following @IdolScribblings . Catch up on the Pantheon so far here.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Perineum – God of the Middle World

April 3, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Stuck Between Heaven and a Very Dark Place.

Neither one thing nor the other in all aspects. His followers believe that the path to true happiness is indecision. If you never resolve anything, no one will ask you to do anything ever again and inner peace will be achieved. Pain and suffering occur when others force you to choose. His most famous hymn is “Meh, meh, meh, meh, s’alright I ‘s’pose”.

Each temple of Perineum is of a similar and unassuming design. They each have two doors. One pink, one brown. The most profound act of worship in this faith is to hover around the two doors to the temple nervously for an hour but never go in. Once inside, there are no pews to sit on. Instead there are rows and rows of Theological Fences upon which one must perch. Perineum’s sacred animal is the common domestic cat. His temples always have a resident sanctified clowder. They display the epitome of indecisiveness as they stand at the temple door asking to go out, and come in, and go out, and come in, and go out and come in. The primary temple of Perineum is located by the bridge over the river Biffin, in the quaint town of Tinter, (Tinter can be found in Barseshire).

One of the roles of the Priesthood of Perineum is to dispense justice. Unfortunately, no trials are ever resolved. Every single one ends in a hung jury. Never go out for a restaurant meal with a group of Perineum worshippers. Firstly, your fellow diners may never make it to the restaurant, many casualties may be trapped in their dressing rooms trying to select the perfect outfit for infinity. Even if you do manage to arrive before 6pm, you still wont have ordered by midnight. (This is probably where the dark rumours about cannibalism in the distant history of the faith stem from.) Followers of Perineum never plan their lives, they just lurch from indecision to indecision.

The most famous ancient Perineal philosopher, Maybemonides, once said, “Indecision is preferable to the terror of a wrong decision.”

In mythology Perineum is a somewhat sensitive deity, that feels like they never get enough attention. Traditionally one has to be careful not to offend Perineum. One slip and you will be in the deep brown.

Thank you to Adam Tomlinson for suggesting Perineum.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Grindr – God of Online Dating

April 2, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Let’s get one thing straight. He’s not. Grindr was a hugely popular deity amongst the seafaring Vikings during those long voyages.

It can be lonely on the fjords in winter, and the nearest booty call might be across 5 miles of sheer icy mountain. Grindr is the deity who brings lovers together to keep out the cold. Followers of Grindr carry his talisman, which will vibrate when another eligible follower comes within navigable distance. The pattern of vibration delivers important information about the potential hook up by Norse Code.

Grindr is the son of Blue Tooth. His origin story states that his mother, Nokia, gave birth to him in the closet to hide him from the evil Ice Giant Homophobe. Once fully grown he began to search for his sworn enemy, protecting his anonymity by appearing only as a disembodied torso. Once Homophobe was bound and rendered powerless, Grindr proudly left the closet and the rest of the pantheon had to get used to it. Grindr’s has a twin sister called Tinder.

Following the path of Grindr can be arduous. The standards of lifestyle, diet and dress are high. Many devotees pray assiduously and will check in with Grindr every few minutes. Even though there is nothing new. If Grindr blesses you with finding the perfect partner, it is traditional to celebrate that union until you are both Thor. In his temple, his priests or “Nerdics” tirelessly refine his holy algorithms to ensure appropriate matches. Once a year all followers of Grindr meet up and celebrate their Pride in their faith with parties and parades.

The Temple of Grindr are places where one can be one’s true self. The interiors are decorated with impeccable style taste. The sacred music played there is an ancient, traditional style, because there’s nowt so queer as folk. On the wall of the shady side of the temple, worshippers will often post saucy pictures of themselves in as offering to Grindr in hopes he will favour them with a match with Mr Right (or at least Mr Right Now). Parking is to the rear.

Grindr is, perhaps surprisingly, the only vegetarian Norse God. In fact he’s Norvegan. He is famous for his impressively large chopper and smooth shiny helmet. His sacred animals are a handsome bear with a powerful right swipe and a white swallow.

Thank you to Pascal Harper for suggesting Grindr.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Cannula – Goddess of Blood Donors

April 1, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Cannula is the goddess of blood donors, anaesthetists and re-hydration therapy. In mythology she was the consort of the God Apheresis until they were separated. Sadly, their love was in vein.

Whilst there are a few permanent temples to Cannula, most of her places of worship are temporary pop up affairs. They will often set up in schools, village halls and community centres. There are even a few mobile “Bus Temples” touring the country.

The temples of Cannula have a distinctive “green couch and screen” theme to the décor. Inside, the faithful will exchange donations of blood for a cuppa and a fig roll. As they enter the temple, worshippers will deposit a small drop of blood in a mysterious measuring cylinder. This test ascertains whether they will act with the level of specific gravity required whilst inside. If you are found to have “blod” in your veins, then it is because you are type-o.

Offerings of tea and biscuits are left at her temple by grateful benefactors to supply the donors.

Services of worship often continue all day with visitors coming and going, very much “going with the flow”. A typical call and response chant from one of Cannula’s rites goes,
Priest 1: Oh! Negative!
Priest 2: Oh! Positive
Priest 1: Hey, negative!
Priest 2: Hey, positive!
Priest 1: Be negative!
Priest 2: Be positive!
Congregation: ‘Eeey, be positive!

Following this there will usually be a short rhesus.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Miiiiiiiss – Goddess of Teachers

March 29, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 1 Comment

Shortly after the dawn of time, the earliest two primordial deities were delivered of their first progeny. Being a divine child, it was a matter of minutes before the precocious babe opened it’s lips and asked it’s parents “Why?”. By the end of the day they had been asked this 3,045,867 times. In frustration these first parents took white chalk from the earth, formed it, and poured into it all the knowledge and withering sarcasm they could muster. Then finally they imbued it with a cursed immortal life. Her unique powers are being able to work for 80 hours a week whilst surviving on just coffee and biscuits, and the ability to freeze a miscreant 14 year old at 90 paces with the one word.

Miiiiiiis has three avatars, and sometimes appears as a three headed conjoined deity. She has a Head, a Deputy Head and an Assistant Head. The youngest of these is the comely “Miiiiiiiss Tottey”. She is the embodiment of enthusiasm and idealism, and the favourite of all the boys. She carries the torch of the sacred flame of education and always has traces of glitter somewhere on her. The eldest “Miiiiiiiss Didactia” has been thoroughly desiccated over said flame of education. She carries an expression like a gamma knife and a stick which (you hope) she only uses to point things out on the board. This avatar is a guardian of “the old ways” of golden silence and copying it out again neatly. In the middle there is “Miss Miss Miss Miiiiiiiss” who watches over those with additional responsibility with a kindly professional eye.

Miiiiiiiss does not live on Olympus, Asgard or any of the usual homes of the gods. She is believed to live in a store cupboard in her temple from 3.30pm to 8.30am. For one month a year, in summer, Miiiiiiiss vanishes from this realm entirely. No one knows where she goes. On the rare occasions that she appears to the faithful outside of her temple, they will be overcome with a feeling of excruciating awkwardness and not know what to say to her.

The Temple of Miiiiiiiss is a large institution which smells faintly of fried spam. Be warned, mobile phones are banned here, and if you chew gum be sure to bring enough for everyone. There is a large, ornate clock hanging in each room. Around the bezel of each clock the words “Time shall pass, but will you?” are engraved. One should never actually gaze directly at the face of the Clock of Miiiiiiiss, it is there for her not for you. The Primary Temple of Miiiiiiiss houses a wise Oracle. An offering of chocolate for the staff room is required in order to ask them a question. Then one must raise one’s hand and wait patiently. Unlike every other oracle ever, the Oracle of Miiiiiiiss will ensure you fully and clearly understand their answer. They may even draw diagrams.

Miiiiiiiss is omnipresent and watches the actions of her faithful with interest. The faith of Miiiiiiiss is one of the few that rigorously still records attendance, and may fine a recalcitrant worshipper for their unauthorised absence. If you are using graph paper, the goddess will keep an especially close watch over you. Just in case you are plotting something. It is said that Miiiiiiiss is almost all powerful. She was once, however, overcome by the miasma of 15 teenage boys who had been playing football on a hot day, got rained on and then applied 15 cans of Lynx Africa. Fortunately she was revived by Matronia Goddess of School Nurses with an ice pack.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.