Anaglypta & Artex – Gods of Failed DIY Projects

April 19, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 2 Comments

The patron deities of “structural decor”. These gods have been around a long time, and it is likely to be many more centuries until the last traces of them are removed. They were first appealed to by terrified Roman plebeians cowering in their ramshackle insulae.

The Temple of Anaglypta and Artex is a potential death trap, despite initially appearing neat and sound, though dated. Don’t let this fool you. Chunks of masonry or plaster may fall on you like blessings from above. The pews are held together with matchsticks rather than dowels, and will collapse conveniently beneath your weight to help you assume the correct prostrate position for prayer.

In mythology Artex and Anaglypta are husband and wife. Theirs is a passionate and stormy relationship, often fought in the aisles of B&Q. In the end Artex won dominion over the ceilings and Anaglypta won control of the walls below the picture rail. Now, in unison, they cover their realms to hide the cracks in the universe and hold up the lath of the heavens. Before marrying Anaglypta, Artex was linked with Asbestos, until Asbestos was banished from the realm by the COSHH.

Artex is a spiky, prickly character. A brush with him is likely to leave you raw and bleeding. Anaglypta always looks slightly tired, old and dusty. She sometimes flocks to hang out in Indian restaurants.

At the festival of Artex it is traditional for worshippers to get plastered. Sometimes things can get a bit rough between followers who favour Artex the most, and those who love Anaglypta. In the resultant fight, the followers of Anaglypta usually get pasted. Their most memorable hymn is “What Goes Up” by Gordon & Brown.

Thank you to Adam Broadhust and Rebecca Stothard for coming up with Anaglypta and Artex separately. I hope you don’t mind that I married them off.

Idol Scribblings Volume Two
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Thank you for reading. If you have enjoyed this deity, please feel free to share it with your friends. New deities are published weekly. You can get alerted to new deities via Facebook through the Idol Scribbling Page or on Twitter by following @IdolScribblings . Catch up on the Pantheon so far here.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Euros – God of Money One Does Not Have

April 18, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

In his origin story Euros was created by Karma-Ron, who abandoned him shortly after his birth. He was picked up and raised by the mythical beast Mai-Botte, who tried to help him overcome his psychological issues of abandonment to grow up to be both strong and stable. However, despite her intentions, his guardian failed to take any real action to guide his development. In the end, hopelessly unprepared to face the world, Euros put off leaving home again and again.

Euros became a prodigal son who spurned his supportive wider family. He ambivalently rejected them when he was deceived into believing that the relationship cost him more than he gained from it by the demons Borriz and Gové. The argument over the terms of this separation continued for years, until the patience of his kin was exhausted and they threw him out with nothing. He was cast into isolation in the wilderness where he was taunted by the ignorant opinions of the three “Ghosts of Dreams that Never Were”. These three malevolent spirits are individually named “Pierced Organ”, “Hatie Cockpins” and “Jerkoff Greased-Hog”.

The temples of Euros ring with raised voices. They are of somewhat variable construction quality, and some wings are held together with strained red tape. Every time they try to conduct repairs, someone breaks it. On the altar sit 22 sealed and numbered red boxes which contain a deal of mystery.

During rituals at Euros’ temples, a libation of tea is poured in offering and then the remainder shared amongst the congregation. Tea is considered sacred to Euros because tea leaves. The liturgy will then be read out. This may seem to be nonsense at first, but don’t worry. The officiating priest will repeat it more and more slowly and increasingly loudly UNTIL YOU UNDERSTAND. At the end of the rite the priest will bid farewell to his flock with the words “See EU later”. His sacred texts were displayed on the sides of political campaign busses, until people realised they were bollocks.

You can only join the priesthood of Euros if you have a protruding navel. You must also have a stoic philosophy and be capable of cussedly sticking with a course of action, even when everyone else can see that it is a path to destruction. Priests can be recognised by their head wear. They will sport either a fried egg or a pineapple ring on their heads. Vestments are very important to the priests, and each will have a changing cabinet to facilitate the necessary sartorial standard. Debating is a key skill for a priest of Euros to have. They are capable of arguing for years with nothing resolved. When not on duty, they do enjoy kicking back with a game of chequers.

Be very wary of incurring the wrath of Euros. When angered he is capable of raining a ferment of acidic bile down on his hapless target. These tempests are known as “Farages”. Sadly, Euros is rarely a wise or fare judge, and has often wrongly attacked the victim of the situation.

Thank you to Jen Titley for suggesting Euros.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Wantoo – God of Sound Engineers

April 17, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Wantoo is the sound engineer of the Gods. He sits amongst the mass of mortals and controls the volume and quality of the music of the spheres. He is the master of the gate to heavenly music. Legends tell of the origin of his golden mixing desk, which was touched by King Midas. Safe in Wantoo’s capable hands, the other deities can speakon with confidence that they will be clearly heard. Wantoo is assisted by his faithful roadie Jack Plug, who does the heavy lifting and his consort Lampie, the Goddess of Heavenly Lighting. The sacred text of Wantoo is called “The Folio of Spirits”.

Wantoo’s is always depicted wearing a distinctive net skirt, known as the Wantoo Tutu, which is also worn by his priesthood. Wantoo’s priests learn to master the art of sound engineering to try to achieve divine perfect sound for lesser mortal musicians. Despite this noble intent, the relationship between Wantoo and musicians is sometimes strained. They say that difference between a Priest of Wantoo and a toilet is that a toilet only has to take crap from one arsehole at once. Divas should beware though. Wantoo watches over his priests and if provoked too far he will use “Strongbow” his mighty weapon of divine smiting. He often uses Strongbow to reduce musicians with egos to piles of salt.

The Commandments of Wantoo

-Thou shalt change thy battery before each gig.
-Thou shalt bring thine own instrument cable.
-Thou shalt learn what all thy knobs and pedals do.
-Thou shalt wrap cables properly.
– Thou shalt not use thine own vocal effects.
– Thou shalt play thy drum kit appropriately for the room.
– Thou shalt not keep asking to be turned up in the monitors.
– Though shalt have a tuner and use it.
– Thou shalt not play whilst other artists are sound checking.
– Thou shalt not over run thy set time.

Those who break these commandments will be banished to the monitor desk.

Temples of Wantoo are often found in pub back rooms and cellar venues. The floor inside is printed with the traditional “sticky glaze” to encourage visitors to stay as long as possible. Worshippers will try to cluster as close as possible to the altar, situated in the centre-rear of the knave, to experience the best sound. A typical service will comprise a two hour sound check and a half hour of homily. Worship always ends with a call and response between the priest and congregation such as,

Priest: Go in peace. We gather again next Wednesday.
Congregation: Yes, it is very windy.
Priest: Wendy will be holding a bake sale on Thursday.
Congregation: Me too, let’s go for a pint.

Wantoo also appears in the Roman pantheon as Tinnatus and was Christianised as St Alan du Heath.

Thank you to Carrie-May Mealor for suggesting Wantoo.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Floella – Goddess of Children’s Television

April 16, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

The epitome of vivacity and grace, Floella imparts the gifts of laughter, imagination and wisdom to children and the eternally young at heart. She assisted in this by her friends; The Holy Humpty, Theodore Maximus, Theodore Minimus, Jemima the Ragged Angel and Katoo the Carnivorous Cockatoo. Her scriptures tell of their travails and triumphs in overcoming the evil infant-demon “Hamble the Terrifier”, who is eventually defeated by “Poppy the Less Scary”. With a knitting needle. Up the bum.

Here’s her temple, here’s the door. 1, 2, 3, 4. There’s a round window, a square window and an arched window*. Which window will we look through today?

Her temple opens every day at 11am for 23 minutes. Inside her temple her worshippers play dress up, sing, dance, hear stories, draw pictures with big fat crayons or run around and around going, “neenaw neenaw neenaw neenaw” whilst pretending to be a fire engine. There are many large empty cardboard boxes lying around. It is important to know that they are not cardboard boxes. They are castles, and spaceships, and racing cars and submarines, and houses, and bob sleighs. The walls are adorned with thousands of proudly hung children’s paintings of Floella and her friends (usually depicting her with six fingers, an ear on her forehead and LOTS of love.) The floor is adorned with glitter and cockatoo poo.

More recently she has ascended to overseeing the “Playschool of Lords”.

*More recently constructed temples also have a triangular window.

Thank you to Rebecca Stothard for suggesting Floella.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Gourdius – God of Pumpkins

April 15, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Gourdius was thought to have originally been a deeply unpopular mortal tyrant. Myths tell us that he had a very high opinion of himself and was something of a big-head. Upon his death he was “accidentally” embalmed with Sunny Delight, which brought about his apocolocyntosis. Despite having been an unpopular human and ruler, Gourdius somehow became a very popular deity. At the peak of his prominence, millions of people around the world followed the Lord Gourd Almighty.

Temples of Gourdius are often located in the seedy part of their town. A new temple is made every year on the site. First the priests will plant the seeds of the sacred cultivar Cucurbita ingenti. This plant will be carefully tended until it has grown to its impressive full size. The flesh of the fruit will then be hollowed out and the remaining rind is consecrated (hallowed out). Typically the doors and windows will be carved out in such a way that, when the temple is illuminated inside with candles on a dark night, when viewed from the outside it has the appearance of Gourdius’ face. The removed flesh is not wasted. It has its diameter divided by its circumference to make Pumpkin Pi for the inaugural festivities. If they have a poor year for rain, the resultant temple may be quite small. It will still be used until a new one can be grown next year. Even though it may be a bit of a squash. The congregation can usually contort themselves to fit in, as they all practice pie-lates.

The Priests rarely leave the temple and will spend much of their time in meditative skulking in its darker corners. Their motto is, “If you’ve got it, haunt it”. Do be careful to mind your language at the temple and generally around his followers. Exclaiming “Gourdon Bennet!”, even in a moment of great pain, is considered to be a terrible blasphemy. You are likely to be arrested, given a summary trial in their Squash Court, and turned into a fairy-tale carriage at midnight if found guilty. The current High Priest is Benedict Cucumberpatch VI. He was chosen for office because of his extreme pie-ty.

Every year, Gourdius’ main festival is held at the end of October. This festival celebrates Gourdius’ aspect of annual death and rebirth. The key ethos of the festival is to enjoy life while you have it. During these days his followers will eat, drink and be scary. It is also customary for them to “Trick or treat yo’ self” at this time.

The second coming of Gourdius has been predicted many times, but he has never materialised. His Prophets have now come to the conclusion that The Great Pumpkin is just fashionably latte.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Gorgonzola – Goddess of Cheese Dreams

April 11, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

A terrifying ancient deity of the realm of nightmares, worshipped across five counties and beyond. Her popularity is inter-Comte-nental. One look at Gorgonzola is said to drive you crackers. Completely Emmental. Her snarling visage is webbed with blue veins and she carries a vicious hooked knife and cheese wire. Gorgonzola has spawned many lactic phantasm offspring known as “The Little Baby Cheeses”. She rides a mythical steed called the “Care-Filly” Her sacred animals are the Welsh Rabbit and the Laughing Cow, and the Primula is her holy flower.

Her cult is a shamanistic one. Her followers will ritualistically gorge on dairy products to induce a transcendental nightmare state. There are special preparation rites for making the “dark cheeses” where Edam is made backwards.

Every morning her followers must perform a ritual whereby they stand directly in front of a mirror, look into their own eyes, raise their right hand in a gesture of greeting and chant “Hallou me”. When on a ship, her followers partake in a ritual where they gather on one side and raise their hands to their heads in reverence. This is known as the Port Salut. Following Gorgonzola is a whey of life. The motto of Gorgonzola’s followers is, “Stilton is for life, not just for Christmas.”

The senior priest can be recognised by his great height. He is not, in fact, tall. He just always has his sacred stilt on. The priesthood wear muslin robes. They did experiment with making vestments from cheese slices, but it didn’t work. They discovered that fromage frays. The clergy call the faithful to prayer by ringing baby bells.

Her shrine is located near Wensleydale in a complex system of well-guarded natural caves. Meaning worshippers must pick their way past a rock fort and across a lot of de-brie to get to it. Then they must cross a lake of stringy molten cheese, known as the “Moatzarella”. Deep within the shrine is a statue of Gorgonzola. In order to make the statue survive the damp cave conditions the priests painted it. (In fact they double glossed her.)

Gorgonzola was later Christianised as St. Agur.

Thank you to Pascal Harper for suggesting Gorgonzola (Sorry if all these cheese jokes are nacho cup of tea.)

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Grindr – God of Online Dating

April 2, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Let’s get one thing straight. He’s not. Grindr was a hugely popular deity amongst the seafaring Vikings during those long voyages.

It can be lonely on the fjords in winter, and the nearest booty call might be across 5 miles of sheer icy mountain. Grindr is the deity who brings lovers together to keep out the cold. Followers of Grindr carry his talisman, which will vibrate when another eligible follower comes within navigable distance. The pattern of vibration delivers important information about the potential hook up by Norse Code.

Grindr is the son of Blue Tooth. His origin story states that his mother, Nokia, gave birth to him in the closet to hide him from the evil Ice Giant Homophobe. Once fully grown he began to search for his sworn enemy, protecting his anonymity by appearing only as a disembodied torso. Once Homophobe was bound and rendered powerless, Grindr proudly left the closet and the rest of the pantheon had to get used to it. Grindr’s has a twin sister called Tinder.

Following the path of Grindr can be arduous. The standards of lifestyle, diet and dress are high. Many devotees pray assiduously and will check in with Grindr every few minutes. Even though there is nothing new. If Grindr blesses you with finding the perfect partner, it is traditional to celebrate that union until you are both Thor. In his temple, his priests or “Nerdics” tirelessly refine his holy algorithms to ensure appropriate matches. Once a year all followers of Grindr meet up and celebrate their Pride in their faith with parties and parades.

The Temple of Grindr are places where one can be one’s true self. The interiors are decorated with impeccable style taste. The sacred music played there is an ancient, traditional style, because there’s nowt so queer as folk. On the wall of the shady side of the temple, worshippers will often post saucy pictures of themselves in as offering to Grindr in hopes he will favour them with a match with Mr Right (or at least Mr Right Now). Parking is to the rear.

Grindr is, perhaps surprisingly, the only vegetarian Norse God. In fact he’s Norvegan. He is famous for his impressively large chopper and smooth shiny helmet. His sacred animals are a handsome bear with a powerful right swipe and a white swallow.

Thank you to Pascal Harper for suggesting Grindr.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Flatula – Goddess of Girl Farts

March 10, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Not the most popular deity, and rarely worshipped in confined spaces. The ethos of Flatula is “Wherever you be, let your wind blow free”. She is considered uncouth by approximately 50% of people, the rest find her hilarious. The Flatula mythology contains a devil figure called “Yakult” who continually seeks to destroy Flatula’s divine wind. Her consort is “Throu” God of Digestion. It is generally considered to be better to follow Flatula than to follow Throu.

Followers of Flatula traditionally greet each other with their index finger outstretched and the words “Digitus meus trahere”. They adhere to a strict diet of only beans, mushy peas, cauliflower and eggs in order to ensure a constant production of poius maft.

The vestments of her clergy are designed to lift and waft humorously at the slightest zephyr. At their initiation into the priesthood they will be given a tattoo of a stylised gust of wind on their arms. This is known as “wearing your fart on your sleeve”. The priestesses of Flatula are renowned as skilled physicians. Should you consult them, they will perform a thorough diagnosis which will include taking your fart rate.

The temples of Flatua have elegant, sculpted frontage supported by shapely columns, topped by a fringed pelmet. There are many unglazed windows, to ensure adequate ventilation. Inside the walls are decorated with aesthetic airbrushed murals. These are created by the artist blowing paint the onto the wall using their bottom breath. This distinctive style is known as Pop Fart. There is no limit to the time one may remain in her temple and admire the paintings, you can stay to your fart’s content.

The temple musicians play throughout the day in her honour. Her best known pieces of sacred music include “Fanfare for the Common Woman”, “There Goes the Elephant” and “Shoot that Duck”. The only instruments permitted to be played in her temple are the Kazoo, the rattle and the sackbutt.

Flatula is closely associated with the Viking Goddess Queef. She has many variants in pantheons across the world, she seems to be a deity who resonates with many people. Ironically, should Flatula appear to you, you should not break wind before her. It’s her turn.

Flatula was suggested by Kris Hudson-Lee

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.