Euros – God of Money One Does Not Have

April 18, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

In his origin story Euros was created by Karma-Ron, who abandoned him shortly after his birth. He was picked up and raised by the mythical beast Mai-Botte, who tried to help him overcome his psychological issues of abandonment to grow up to be both strong and stable. However, despite her intentions, his guardian failed to take any real action to guide his development. In the end, hopelessly unprepared to face the world, Euros put off leaving home again and again.

Euros became a prodigal son who spurned his supportive wider family. He ambivalently rejected them when he was deceived into believing that the relationship cost him more than he gained from it by the demons Borriz and Gové. The argument over the terms of this separation continued for years, until the patience of his kin was exhausted and they threw him out with nothing. He was cast into isolation in the wilderness where he was taunted by the ignorant opinions of the three “Ghosts of Dreams that Never Were”. These three malevolent spirits are individually named “Pierced Organ”, “Hatie Cockpins” and “Jerkoff Greased-Hog”.

The temples of Euros ring with raised voices. They are of somewhat variable construction quality, and some wings are held together with strained red tape. Every time they try to conduct repairs, someone breaks it. On the altar sit 22 sealed and numbered red boxes which contain a deal of mystery.

During rituals at Euros’ temples, a libation of tea is poured in offering and then the remainder shared amongst the congregation. Tea is considered sacred to Euros because tea leaves. The liturgy will then be read out. This may seem to be nonsense at first, but don’t worry. The officiating priest will repeat it more and more slowly and increasingly loudly UNTIL YOU UNDERSTAND. At the end of the rite the priest will bid farewell to his flock with the words “See EU later”. His sacred texts were displayed on the sides of political campaign busses, until people realised they were bollocks.

You can only join the priesthood of Euros if you have a protruding navel. You must also have a stoic philosophy and be capable of cussedly sticking with a course of action, even when everyone else can see that it is a path to destruction. Priests can be recognised by their head wear. They will sport either a fried egg or a pineapple ring on their heads. Vestments are very important to the priests, and each will have a changing cabinet to facilitate the necessary sartorial standard. Debating is a key skill for a priest of Euros to have. They are capable of arguing for years with nothing resolved. When not on duty, they do enjoy kicking back with a game of chequers.

Be very wary of incurring the wrath of Euros. When angered he is capable of raining a ferment of acidic bile down on his hapless target. These tempests are known as “Farages”. Sadly, Euros is rarely a wise or fare judge, and has often wrongly attacked the victim of the situation.

Thank you to Jen Titley for suggesting Euros.

Idol Scribblings Volume Two
Coming out 30th November 2020

Even more deities for every eventuality with a foreword by Gary Brannan of the Technical Difficulties ( TechDiff.co.uk )
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Idol Scribblings Volume One

A collection of 52 deities, ancient and modern, for all occations from Idol Scribblings. Produced in 2019-2020.

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Thank you for reading. If you have enjoyed this deity, please feel free to share it with your friends. New deities are published weekly. You can get alerted to new deities via Facebook through the Idol Scribbling Page or on Twitter by following @IdolScribblings . Catch up on the Pantheon so far here.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Wantoo – God of Sound Engineers

April 17, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Wantoo is the sound engineer of the Gods. He sits amongst the mass of mortals and controls the volume and quality of the music of the spheres. He is the master of the gate to heavenly music. Legends tell of the origin of his golden mixing desk, which was touched by King Midas. Safe in Wantoo’s capable hands, the other deities can speakon with confidence that they will be clearly heard. Wantoo is assisted by his faithful roadie Jack Plug, who does the heavy lifting and his consort Lampie, the Goddess of Heavenly Lighting. The sacred text of Wantoo is called “The Folio of Spirits”.

Wantoo’s is always depicted wearing a distinctive net skirt, known as the Wantoo Tutu, which is also worn by his priesthood. Wantoo’s priests learn to master the art of sound engineering to try to achieve divine perfect sound for lesser mortal musicians. Despite this noble intent, the relationship between Wantoo and musicians is sometimes strained. They say that difference between a Priest of Wantoo and a toilet is that a toilet only has to take crap from one arsehole at once. Divas should beware though. Wantoo watches over his priests and if provoked too far he will use “Strongbow” his mighty weapon of divine smiting. He often uses Strongbow to reduce musicians with egos to piles of salt.

The Commandments of Wantoo

-Thou shalt change thy battery before each gig.
-Thou shalt bring thine own instrument cable.
-Thou shalt learn what all thy knobs and pedals do.
-Thou shalt wrap cables properly.
– Thou shalt not use thine own vocal effects.
– Thou shalt play thy drum kit appropriately for the room.
– Thou shalt not keep asking to be turned up in the monitors.
– Though shalt have a tuner and use it.
– Thou shalt not play whilst other artists are sound checking.
– Thou shalt not over run thy set time.

Those who break these commandments will be banished to the monitor desk.

Temples of Wantoo are often found in pub back rooms and cellar venues. The floor inside is printed with the traditional “sticky glaze” to encourage visitors to stay as long as possible. Worshippers will try to cluster as close as possible to the altar, situated in the centre-rear of the knave, to experience the best sound. A typical service will comprise a two hour sound check and a half hour of homily. Worship always ends with a call and response between the priest and congregation such as,

Priest: Go in peace. We gather again next Wednesday.
Congregation: Yes, it is very windy.
Priest: Wendy will be holding a bake sale on Thursday.
Congregation: Me too, let’s go for a pint.

Wantoo also appears in the Roman pantheon as Tinnatus and was Christianised as St Alan du Heath.

Thank you to Carrie-May Mealor for suggesting Wantoo.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Floella – Goddess of Children’s Television

April 16, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

The epitome of vivacity and grace, Floella imparts the gifts of laughter, imagination and wisdom to children and the eternally young at heart. She assisted in this by her friends; The Holy Humpty, Theodore Maximus, Theodore Minimus, Jemima the Ragged Angel and Katoo the Carnivorous Cockatoo. Her scriptures tell of their travails and triumphs in overcoming the evil infant-demon “Hamble the Terrifier”, who is eventually defeated by “Poppy the Less Scary”. With a knitting needle. Up the bum.

Here’s her temple, here’s the door. 1, 2, 3, 4. There’s a round window, a square window and an arched window*. Which window will we look through today?

Her temple opens every day at 11am for 23 minutes. Inside her temple her worshippers play dress up, sing, dance, hear stories, draw pictures with big fat crayons or run around and around going, “neenaw neenaw neenaw neenaw” whilst pretending to be a fire engine. There are many large empty cardboard boxes lying around. It is important to know that they are not cardboard boxes. They are castles, and spaceships, and racing cars and submarines, and houses, and bob sleighs. The walls are adorned with thousands of proudly hung children’s paintings of Floella and her friends (usually depicting her with six fingers, an ear on her forehead and LOTS of love.) The floor is adorned with glitter and cockatoo poo.

More recently she has ascended to overseeing the “Playschool of Lords”.

*More recently constructed temples also have a triangular window.

Thank you to Rebecca Stothard for suggesting Floella.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Gourdius – God of Pumpkins

April 15, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Gourdius was thought to have originally been a deeply unpopular mortal tyrant. Myths tell us that he had a very high opinion of himself and was something of a big-head. Upon his death he was “accidentally” embalmed with Sunny Delight, which brought about his apocolocyntosis. Despite having been an unpopular human and ruler, Gourdius somehow became a very popular deity. At the peak of his prominence, millions of people around the world followed the Lord Gourd Almighty.

Temples of Gourdius are often located in the seedy part of their town. A new temple is made every year on the site. First the priests will plant the seeds of the sacred cultivar Cucurbita ingenti. This plant will be carefully tended until it has grown to its impressive full size. The flesh of the fruit will then be hollowed out and the remaining rind is consecrated (hallowed out). Typically the doors and windows will be carved out in such a way that, when the temple is illuminated inside with candles on a dark night, when viewed from the outside it has the appearance of Gourdius’ face. The removed flesh is not wasted. It has its diameter divided by its circumference to make Pumpkin Pi for the inaugural festivities. If they have a poor year for rain, the resultant temple may be quite small. It will still be used until a new one can be grown next year. Even though it may be a bit of a squash. The congregation can usually contort themselves to fit in, as they all practice pie-lates.

The Priests rarely leave the temple and will spend much of their time in meditative skulking in its darker corners. Their motto is, “If you’ve got it, haunt it”. Do be careful to mind your language at the temple and generally around his followers. Exclaiming “Gourdon Bennet!”, even in a moment of great pain, is considered to be a terrible blasphemy. You are likely to be arrested, given a summary trial in their Squash Court, and turned into a fairy-tale carriage at midnight if found guilty. The current High Priest is Benedict Cucumberpatch VI. He was chosen for office because of his extreme pie-ty.

Every year, Gourdius’ main festival is held at the end of October. This festival celebrates Gourdius’ aspect of annual death and rebirth. The key ethos of the festival is to enjoy life while you have it. During these days his followers will eat, drink and be scary. It is also customary for them to “Trick or treat yo’ self” at this time.

The second coming of Gourdius has been predicted many times, but he has never materialised. His Prophets have now come to the conclusion that The Great Pumpkin is just fashionably latte.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Cholesterolia – Goddess of Fry-Ups

April 13, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

The saviour of the manual worker and the hung-over. She is usually considered to be a Goddess of the morning, but is actually welcome at any time of day. Cholesterolia is particularly popular in Scotland, Ireland and Gibraltar.

In the early days of her church, two distinct orders emerged. The “Red Saucers” and the “Brown Saucers”. The “Brown Saucers” then schismed further into the “HPs” and the “Daddies”. In South Yorkshire there is a heretical break away sect called the “Hendos”.

Her temples are known as “Dicula Pinguia”. Inside worshippers can partake of the service and shared meal sat on plastic chairs at Formica tables. The Priests and Priestesses are typically surly and robed in symbolically stained vestments. Religious literature is freely available, in tabloid format. On her altar stands a display of condiments, crisps, chocolate and cans. Adjacent to this is the offertory jar hopefully labelled “Tips”. The walls are adorned with scriptures listing the permitted foods, with no regard to the correct usage of any known human language. If you pass the door you might hear the sound of a meditation chant drifting out on the breeze “Ooooooooommmmmlette”.

There are certain sins which are considered deadly to followers of Cholesterolia. Chief amongst these are; letting smashed avocado anywhere near your fry up, garnishing with anything green, asking for hippy teas, and serving said fry up on anything other than a proper plate. Transgressors will be beaten until they are scrambled. (White pudding, Lorne sausage, lava bread, potato cakes, oat cakes and soda bread are all accepted regional variations.)

Her holy day is Fry-day.

Cholesterolia was inspired by the photos of gargantuan weekend fry ups that Jake Cosford, Martin Thiselton and Keith Schofield kept posting. Cholesterolia must watch over them, for they are all still slim!

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Elvish – God of Tribute Acts

April 12, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Whenever a legend dies and leaves a musical legacy, Elvish will send one of his followers to keep their memory alive. His followers believe that, if they devote their lives to honouring their chosen bard, after their own death they will go to heaven, known to them as Graceland. They try to pursue their spiritual journey whilst defending their faith against suspicious minds. Neophytes begin their journey as members of the “Tribute Audience” for the higher ranking acolytes.

Followers are welcomed from all walks of life. Perhaps remembering that Elvish himself had unusually humble beginnings. His parents were lowly Hearth Gods of Baking, and he was born in the gateaux.

The Temples of Elvish have brightly lit, attention grabbing, frontages with neon signboards. His largest and chief Temple is located in Las Vegas. This temple houses many sacred relics such as the original “Jailhouse Rock”, the holy Teddy Bear and a huge collection of Good Luck Charms. The Temple is actually built around an ancient tree which forms the wooden heart of the structure.

If you visit his Temple you may get to hear a rendition of one of Elvish’s most well known hymns, it goes “Sing Hosanna to the King, Baby.” On your visit you may also get the honour of meeting current High Priest of Elvish, Mr Amaal Shoukup. If you need guidance you can consult the Pelvic Oracle who also resides in the temple. You won’t find Elvish himself there though. Elvish has left the building.

The Priesthood can be recognised by their distinctive white vestments adorned with precious gems of Rhine Zirconia. They move softly around the compound in their blue suede shoes. Every day they devote many hours to vocal training, dressmaking and pelvic exercises.

The priesthood run a wide range of eateries to raise funds for their church and costumes. These range from the humble “Ain’t Nothin’ but a Hotdog”* and “The Wonder of Stew” to the Michelin Starred “Art Steak Hotel**”. All provide excellent quality fare, and are recommended to those who love meat tender. All these eateries celebrate an annual festival of Elvish where they give away free fruit. So be sure to visit one on “Unchained Melon Day”. Not all catering ventures are run by the priesthood though, some chefs fraudulently claim membership. There’s a guy works down our chip shop who swears he’s Elvish, but he’s a liar.

Be sure to welcome Elvish into your life. Thanks to his followers he is available for Birthdays, Weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. Oh yeah. Uh huh huh. Thankyouverymuch.

Thank you to Jerome Perks for suggesting Elvish (and to STP who also made that joke, but in another way***).

*If you want to be cryin’ all the time, onions are extra.
** Why yes! It IS down at the end of a lonely street.
*** And in tribute I am cramming in as many footnotes as I can.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Gorgonzola – Goddess of Cheese Dreams

April 11, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

A terrifying ancient deity of the realm of nightmares, worshipped across five counties and beyond. Her popularity is inter-Comte-nental. One look at Gorgonzola is said to drive you crackers. Completely Emmental. Her snarling visage is webbed with blue veins and she carries a vicious hooked knife and cheese wire. Gorgonzola has spawned many lactic phantasm offspring known as “The Little Baby Cheeses”. She rides a mythical steed called the “Care-Filly” Her sacred animals are the Welsh Rabbit and the Laughing Cow, and the Primula is her holy flower.

Her cult is a shamanistic one. Her followers will ritualistically gorge on dairy products to induce a transcendental nightmare state. There are special preparation rites for making the “dark cheeses” where Edam is made backwards.

Every morning her followers must perform a ritual whereby they stand directly in front of a mirror, look into their own eyes, raise their right hand in a gesture of greeting and chant “Hallou me”. When on a ship, her followers partake in a ritual where they gather on one side and raise their hands to their heads in reverence. This is known as the Port Salut. Following Gorgonzola is a whey of life. The motto of Gorgonzola’s followers is, “Stilton is for life, not just for Christmas.”

The senior priest can be recognised by his great height. He is not, in fact, tall. He just always has his sacred stilt on. The priesthood wear muslin robes. They did experiment with making vestments from cheese slices, but it didn’t work. They discovered that fromage frays. The clergy call the faithful to prayer by ringing baby bells.

Her shrine is located near Wensleydale in a complex system of well-guarded natural caves. Meaning worshippers must pick their way past a rock fort and across a lot of de-brie to get to it. Then they must cross a lake of stringy molten cheese, known as the “Moatzarella”. Deep within the shrine is a statue of Gorgonzola. In order to make the statue survive the damp cave conditions the priests painted it. (In fact they double glossed her.)

Gorgonzola was later Christianised as St. Agur.

Thank you to Pascal Harper for suggesting Gorgonzola (Sorry if all these cheese jokes are nacho cup of tea.)

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Quinoa – God of Faddy Diets

April 10, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 1 Comment

If you thought the dietary rules of Halal, Kashrut or the Bhagavad Gita were hard to follow, you haven’t tried following the way of Quinoa. He is an underground deity who goes against the grain. In the story of his origin, he was a mortal man who drowned in the mainstream but was resurrected and elevated to god-hood by…
…well, you’ve probably never heard of him.

The first person to follow the way of Quinoa did it, “About, like 100 years before anyone else did, man”. The rest say they are doing it ironically. Followers of Quinoa always have burnt tongues because they ate their food before it was cool. They can be distinguished by their excessively product laden, obsessively groomed facial hair, heavy framed glasses with plain glass in them and their red trousers. They often ride to the temple on Penny-farthing bicycles.

There are regular rites held in Quinoa’s temples. These are mainly long winded lectures on artisanal food production based on tenuous science. The cult of Quinoa encourages the use of microwaves. They don’t like conventional ovens. The section of the service that would be called the “sermon” in other churches, is known as the “Quinoa-Oat” address. There are occasionally live performances of sacred music on sackbut, glockenspiel and didgeridoo. However, more often, music is provided from recordings on VINYL, ALWAYS VINYL!

At Quinoa’s temple one can also purchase a cup of refreshing coffee that is made from locally sourced ingredients and is free from dairy, sugar, coffee and the dreaded dihydrogen monoxide. Though, it does come with vegan, organic sprinkles. When you hear how much it costs, you’ll say ” ‘kin wha’ ?!”

Quinoa can be a wrathful god. Referring to him as a “Hipster Deity” is the ultimate blasphemy and will incur an immediate smiting.

Thank you to Adam Broadhurst for suggesting Quinoa.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Low Key – God of Bassists

April 9, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 1 Comment

In the beginning there were twin brothers born to the All-Father by the goddess Gittern, and named Ego and Low Key. On their coming of age they were each gifted with an exquisite stringed musical instrument by the artisan deity Warwick God of Thumbs. They were commanded by their parents to perform a duet for the amusement of the other divine beings. At the end of this first of all gigs, Low-Key became enraged that, of the two girls that came, his brother went home with both of them. In his jealous rage he tore one (some say two) strings from his instrument and with them bound Ego down in the underworld so tightly that he was flat-wound. His brother was later freed by one of his groupies, who discovered that the way to break the binding string was with a particularly forceful slap. The young Low-Key, now left with a depleted instrument, reconciled himself to the fact that he would grow up to become a bassist. Until his parents broke the news to him that he couldn’t do both. The brothers eventually re-united and now work together as gods of music under an uneasy truce. Sadly Low Key developed a touch of rickets because Ego kept stealing all the light.

As a method of teaching of the brother’s story from the mythos of Low-Key, the temple offers relationship mediation services. People whose relationship communication has broken down are subjected to a thumping Acid-Jazz-Funk Fusion bass solo until they are forced to start talking to each other. Married couples who can sustain icy silence through more than 30 minutes of this are instantly granted a divorce.

His consort is Caritas Goddess of Soft Touches. Low Key loves Caritas for her formidable divine strength. She can lift a bass amp onto a van with one hand. Caritas soon discovered that, you are sleeping with the bass player from one band, then you will be automatically sleeping with the bass players from at least two other bands. It turns out this does not mean you will be making whoopee three times as often*. All may not be well between the lovers. It is said that every time Low-Key touches Caritas intimately, she complains that Midi the God of Keyboard Players can do it better with his left hand.

The Shrine of Low-Key is housed within the spare bedroom of the Temple of Caritas. The Shrine is stacked high with amps, flight cases, racks and cables. There is no space to hold large rites of worship here. There is only just enough room to house the sacred artefacts and for four members of the clergy to squeeze in-between to rehearse the holy beats. The sacred artefacts include an impressive collection of legendary instruments. Such as the “Manual Analogue Pitch Approximater” or “Fretless”. Perhaps the most dangerous of these is an instrument made entirely from Sodium Hydroxide. This Base Guitar will literally melt your face. All these instruments are brought out at least once a year for the annual festival of “Tuning”.

Priests of Low Key are called Bassists. Which is confusing, because those prejudiced against the lower frequencies are also known as Bassists. Each Bassist is assisted by a young neophyte technician or “Squier”. In order to graduate to full priesthood, each Squier must perform a gig at the Lee Offender’s Institute. In order to be successful, the performance must be so tremendous that the audience break their handcuffs clapping. Some brave and foolish neophytes will attempt their first gig after just two lessons.

Their current High Priest and leader is Ernie Ball. (High priesthood is level 42 of their hierarchy.) He took office when the previous High Priest, Hofner, was said to have perished when he fell over the Rickenbacker Falls. If you commit a serious offence, the High Priest will personally excommunicate and cast you out from the faith by declaring the words, “I banez you”. Bassists believe that the way the blessed get into heaven when they die is around the back, up 2 floors of fire escape, through the kitchen and across the dancefloor.

Incidentally, Latin name of the genus of fish commonly known as Bass is “Morone”. That is not a joke, but it is funny.

Thank you to Bryony Nightingale and Adam Broadhurst for each suggesting Low Key separately (Obviously two great minds that think alike). Thank you to Kris Hudson-Lee for modelling.

*Or that they are three different people

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.