Quinoa – God of Faddy Diets

April 10, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 1 Comment

If you thought the dietary rules of Halal, Kashrut or the Bhagavad Gita were hard to follow, you haven’t tried following the way of Quinoa. He is an underground deity who goes against the grain. In the story of his origin, he was a mortal man who drowned in the mainstream but was resurrected and elevated to god-hood by…
…well, you’ve probably never heard of him.

The first person to follow the way of Quinoa did it, “About, like 100 years before anyone else did, man”. The rest say they are doing it ironically. Followers of Quinoa always have burnt tongues because they ate their food before it was cool. They can be distinguished by their excessively product laden, obsessively groomed facial hair, heavy framed glasses with plain glass in them and their red trousers. They often ride to the temple on Penny-farthing bicycles.

There are regular rites held in Quinoa’s temples. These are mainly long winded lectures on artisanal food production based on tenuous science. The cult of Quinoa encourages the use of microwaves. They don’t like conventional ovens. The section of the service that would be called the “sermon” in other churches, is known as the “Quinoa-Oat” address. There are occasionally live performances of sacred music on sackbut, glockenspiel and didgeridoo. However, more often, music is provided from recordings on VINYL, ALWAYS VINYL!

At Quinoa’s temple one can also purchase a cup of refreshing coffee that is made from locally sourced ingredients and is free from dairy, sugar, coffee and the dreaded dihydrogen monoxide. Though, it does come with vegan, organic sprinkles. When you hear how much it costs, you’ll say ” ‘kin wha’ ?!”

Quinoa can be a wrathful god. Referring to him as a “Hipster Deity” is the ultimate blasphemy and will incur an immediate smiting.

Thank you to Adam Broadhurst for suggesting Quinoa.

Idol Scribblings Volume Two
Coming out 30th November 2020

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Idol Scribblings Volume One

A collection of 52 deities, ancient and modern, for all occations from Idol Scribblings. Produced in 2019-2020.

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Thank you for reading. If you have enjoyed this deity, please feel free to share it with your friends. New deities are published weekly. You can get alerted to new deities via Facebook through the Idol Scribbling Page or on Twitter by following @IdolScribblings . Catch up on the Pantheon so far here.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Low Key – God of Bassists

April 9, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 1 Comment

In the beginning there were twin brothers born to the All-Father by the goddess Gittern, and named Ego and Low Key. On their coming of age they were each gifted with an exquisite stringed musical instrument by the artisan deity Warwick God of Thumbs. They were commanded by their parents to perform a duet for the amusement of the other divine beings. At the end of this first of all gigs, Low-Key became enraged that, of the two girls that came, his brother went home with both of them. In his jealous rage he tore one (some say two) strings from his instrument and with them bound Ego down in the underworld so tightly that he was flat-wound. His brother was later freed by one of his groupies, who discovered that the way to break the binding string was with a particularly forceful slap. The young Low-Key, now left with a depleted instrument, reconciled himself to the fact that he would grow up to become a bassist. Until his parents broke the news to him that he couldn’t do both. The brothers eventually re-united and now work together as gods of music under an uneasy truce. Sadly Low Key developed a touch of rickets because Ego kept stealing all the light.

As a method of teaching of the brother’s story from the mythos of Low-Key, the temple offers relationship mediation services. People whose relationship communication has broken down are subjected to a thumping Acid-Jazz-Funk Fusion bass solo until they are forced to start talking to each other. Married couples who can sustain icy silence through more than 30 minutes of this are instantly granted a divorce.

His consort is Caritas Goddess of Soft Touches. Low Key loves Caritas for her formidable divine strength. She can lift a bass amp onto a van with one hand. Caritas soon discovered that, you are sleeping with the bass player from one band, then you will be automatically sleeping with the bass players from at least two other bands. It turns out this does not mean you will be making whoopee three times as often*. All may not be well between the lovers. It is said that every time Low-Key touches Caritas intimately, she complains that Midi the God of Keyboard Players can do it better with his left hand.

The Shrine of Low-Key is housed within the spare bedroom of the Temple of Caritas. The Shrine is stacked high with amps, flight cases, racks and cables. There is no space to hold large rites of worship here. There is only just enough room to house the sacred artefacts and for four members of the clergy to squeeze in-between to rehearse the holy beats. The sacred artefacts include an impressive collection of legendary instruments. Such as the “Manual Analogue Pitch Approximater” or “Fretless”. Perhaps the most dangerous of these is an instrument made entirely from Sodium Hydroxide. This Base Guitar will literally melt your face. All these instruments are brought out at least once a year for the annual festival of “Tuning”.

Priests of Low Key are called Bassists. Which is confusing, because those prejudiced against the lower frequencies are also known as Bassists. Each Bassist is assisted by a young neophyte technician or “Squier”. In order to graduate to full priesthood, each Squier must perform a gig at the Lee Offender’s Institute. In order to be successful, the performance must be so tremendous that the audience break their handcuffs clapping. Some brave and foolish neophytes will attempt their first gig after just two lessons.

Their current High Priest and leader is Ernie Ball. (High priesthood is level 42 of their hierarchy.) He took office when the previous High Priest, Hofner, was said to have perished when he fell over the Rickenbacker Falls. If you commit a serious offence, the High Priest will personally excommunicate and cast you out from the faith by declaring the words, “I banez you”. Bassists believe that the way the blessed get into heaven when they die is around the back, up 2 floors of fire escape, through the kitchen and across the dancefloor.

Incidentally, Latin name of the genus of fish commonly known as Bass is “Morone”. That is not a joke, but it is funny.

Thank you to Bryony Nightingale and Adam Broadhurst for each suggesting Low Key separately (Obviously two great minds that think alike). Thank you to Kris Hudson-Lee for modelling.

*Or that they are three different people

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Dodocanese – God of Ornithologists

April 8, 2019May 11, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Dodocanese is a winged deity who watches over those who love all things avian. Like all gods, his blood is ichor-ous. When he was born, his father Crownus feared one day being usurped by him. He had the infant god exposed on a mountainside to be eaten by his crows. However, only a single corvid came. Therefore it was only an attempted murder. The crow pecked him free, and he was adopted and nursed to adulthood by a nice pair of Tits. Dodocanese now battles against the demons of habitat destruction. In this he uses his mythic weapon, a pair of mighty fat balls in a net which he swings at his enemies.

Dodocanese was said to be the divine father of the half mortal hero Oddiepus. The most notable event in the tales of the labours of Oddiepus was when he met the Sphinx at the top of a cliff and tossed it off. Due to the unfortunate events in his later life, Oddiepus is perceived by some as a villain. In truth he was originally one of the goodies.

The Shrines of Dodocanese are humble wooden huts nestled within extensive grounds of stunning protected, wild countryside. Each has a row of wooden pews in front of narrow horizontal shuttered windows. These allow worshippers to meditate upon nature without disturbing the creatures around them. There may be numerous shrines on any one site, supported by a more substantial Temple building housing workspace for the priesthood, a gift shop and tea room. (It is customary to end a visit to a Temple of Dodocanese with a slice of seed cake.) Silence must be observed at all times whist in the shrines. The temple has a more convivial atmosphere, but even so the conversation volume is rarely above a murmuration. The principle Temple of Dodocanese (in Swansea) houses an amazing water clock. This timepiece is driven by the flow of water from a natural artesian well, and is known as the “Spring Watch”.

Anyone may visit a Shrine of Dodocanese for a small fee, and full members of the faith have unlimited access. The faith is hugely popular and at services they regularly Packham in. You can also claim sanctuary from persecution in a Shrine of Dodocanese. If you ever find yourself in trouble, they are a good place to hide. Should you ever receive a special invitation to an event at a Temple of Dodocanese, don’t forget to RSPB.

The Priesthood of Dodocanese can be identified by the symbolic binocular medallions which they wear around their necks, their buffalo check shirts and green wellies. They train rigorously until they can sit in absolute stillness for hours on end so that no one will ever call them twitchers. The rest of their time is spent watching over and caring for their flock. Some priests practice falconry. It is a little known fact that eating meat caught by hunting birds can make you extremely flatulant. The resultant emissions are known as “Hawkwind”. (If it causes you to follow through, this occurrence is known as a “Turdus”.)

The High Priestess of Dodocanese is Jennifer Wren. She was recently implicated in the “Waterfowlgate Scandal” when she was found en flagrante delicto with a pair of Gallinula Chloropus. In her defence she said “That moorhenage a trois was the best night of my life. Je ne egret rein.” She is now derided by the rest of the faith as a dirty old coot. This is a little unfair as, in truth, she is dedicated to sea bird conservation. She adores Boobies and will do anything for a Shag.

Thank you to Alex Smith for collaborating with me on Dodocanese.

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Ganache – God of Chocolate, Cream, Cakes and Words that Sound Rude but Aren’t.

April 7, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Ganache is a kindly deity who watches over bakers and confectioners. He may have a rotund figure, but he still has amazing buns. Offering a prayer to Ganache as you add the cocoa to your cake recipe is said to prevent soggy bottoms, provided you also give the batter a good ritual forking. He is the remover of bits of stray egg shell.

Delicious cooking smells waft from his temple, luring in new devotees. Every year at his festival, the priests make a giant cream horn (said to represent his tusk) which is shared amongst his followers as a fertility rite. Followers of Ganache define a “balanced diet” as a cupcake in each hand.

Ganache has a mischievous side and a prehensile trunk for snatching delicious treats. When a Ganachite baker places 12 cakes on the cooling rack and returns to find only 11, instead of shouting at his apprentices he will shrug and say, “I see Ganache has taken his own offering.” It is considered a divine endorsement of your skill and a blessing if Ganache just could not resist.

Ganache is also the God of words that sound a bit rude, but actually aren’t. Like “masticate” and “kumquat”.

Ganache is said to be quite an emotionally sensitive deity. When something goes wrong, he takes a while to gateauxverit. He is often in tiers.

Followers of Ganache believe that you only get out what you pudding. They also value the pursuit of independence, it is frowned upon to sponge off anyone. Ganache is a very popular deity and is followed by hundreds and thousands.

If you believe in Ganache you are encouraged to d’éclair it loudly and proudly.

Thank you to Sarah Shepton for suggesting Ganache.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Cancelle – Goddess of Public Transport

April 6, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Cancelle watches over all those who chose to take their spiritual journey in close communion with others from all walks of life. She is appealed to by those who wait in the rain or stand in the aisles. Some say that worship of Cancelle is the preserve of the less financially fortunate. However, she also has affluent devotees who believe following her way has benefits for the whole planet. The way of Cancelle is considered by many to be the most environmentally friendly method of getting to the afterlife. Devotees of Cancelle believe that, when they die, they will travel to the next world on a brand new, clean Omnichariot. (The Omnichariot is a high occupancy vehicle which will always move twice as fast when you are trying to catch it as when you are in it). The scriptures say that (for the righteous) it will arrive on time and will be of the correct operating company to accept the Day-Mega-Soul-Saver ticket you purchased earlier. If one has lived an especially devout life, one will travel to the afterlife without having to share a seat or hold a conversation with a fruitcake.

In antiquity her temples used to be known as “Stations”. However, in the 21st Century they have been trendily rebranded as “Interchanges”. They are cavernous halls filled with the aromas of the traditional diesel fume and urine scented incense. The readings and sermon are delivered in an ethereal echoic voice through a crackly P.A. system. Although delivered at great volume and in Received Pronunciation, it is impossible to decipher any useful information. As a back-up, the key points of the homily and scriptures are displayed on electronic screens (when they are working). The service will begin with a cry of “Hold tight please” and will end with the ringing of a small bell. There is almost always inadequate seating in the temples, to ease this issue one should move to the back of the temple on entering. In getting to the back of the temple one can fall over 50 feet with only minor injuries. You should not attempt to sit in one of the “priority seats” at the front unless you have genuine need of them. They are reserved for the elderly and infirm of the congregation. Transgressors of this rule will be condemned to die the “Death of a Thousand Walking Sticks”.

There are some strict rules you must abide by if you wish to visit one of Cancelle’s houses of worship. Unlike many other faiths, consumption of alcohol is forbidden within the temple. Also loud music, skateboarding and keep your feet off the seats. Worshippers are constantly reminded not to leave baggage unattended and are advised to report suspicious packages. So it’s advised not to wear budgie smugglers when visiting. The largest and most famous of Cancelle’s temples is located in Hull. It is considered to be the Paragon of temples. In order to visit one will need to purchase a ticket to Hull and back. If you are in need of refreshment during your visit, most of her temples feature a café serving tea and coffee, the price of which is inversely proportional to the quality. They also serve the customary holy trinity of foods; the Pious Pasty, the Sacred Sausage Roll and the Transcendental Teacake. They do try to keep the temples maintained. If a statue of Cancelle gets broken, they have a replacement bust service.

The High Priest of each temple is known as the “Driver”, and they are assisted by their deputy, known the “Conductor”. (In the higher Maglev Temples, this post is called the “Superconductor”.) As one leaves the temple after your visit, one must express one’s thanks to the priest or be considered a mannerless oaf by all other worshippers. In the south-west the traditional expression of gratitude is “Cheers Drive!” but this varies from region to region. Smaller shrines and chapels are known as “Stops” or “Halts” and may consist of little more than a holy sign on a chewing gum encrusted pole. These are often situated in bleak and isolated places, serving the homesteads of a few remote faithful.

The scriptures of Cancelle are revised at least once annually, changing the number and timings of services, in order to maintain the mystery of the faith. However, the tradition of having a long period of inactivity at some point in the day followed by three services back to back, is always preserved. The days on which the new scriptures are adopted are invariably days of chaos. Cancelle appears in numerous pantheons around the world and is also sometimes known as Schedula, Tramantha and in Wales as Bend-Y-Bus. She is also the Goddess of Monorails, but I couldn’t think of any one-liners about that.

Cancelle was suggested by Nigel Harper whilst on the 135 to Sheffield.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Ku-Klux-Nan – Goddess of Racist Biddies

April 5, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Ku-Klux-Nan is a truly ancient goddess. She’s 5987 you know, and she can remember a time before we had any of this nonsense. Much of what we know of the origin of this goddess come down to us through the surviving writings of the 4th BCE writer Xenophobe. In the days when there was but one pantheon known in the world, Ku-Klux-Nan was the Goddess of Quiet Lives. The first time she encountered a deity from another land, she was overcome by fear and jealousy. “How dare they come over here stealing our worshippers!”. This vitriol was so powerful that it warped her very form into that of a wizened hag with a mouth like a cat’s arse. It is said by some that she was rendered so hideous that she henceforth covered her fearsome visage with a white hood. Others say that she is wearing it because she just had a wash and set done and it’s drizzling. Ku-Klux-Nan has numerous Children and Grandchildren. They are all hideously embarrassed by her when she gets on about politics.

The religion of Ku-Klux-Nan, presided over by High Priestess Hatie Cockpins, is an isolationist one. They associate very rarely with those outside the faith, and then only for the purposes of trade. A highly judgemental sect, their disapproval is usually expressed through glares, snide comments, boycotting, marching and funding right wing politics. Occasionally they are driven to smite people with a flaming, rolled up copy of the Daily Fail. The clergy live on a strict diet of gammon and each other’s opinions. Followers of Ku-Klux-Nan believe that when the righteous die, they will go to a Utopian afterlife, which is just like what England wasn’t really like in the 1950s (See: Isle of White).

Surprisingly, amongst Ku-Klux-Nan’s followers you will sometimes find elderly members of the long-standing immigrant community. They are there to complain about the latest lot to arrive and how they are ruining everything. They may even win the grudging acceptance of the other church members, provided they can whip up a satisfactory Victoria Sponge for the Garden Fete and don’t have too strong an accent. Having them around proves that the other members of the faith are not racist but…

The Temple of Ku-Klux-Nan is essentially massive echo chamber. Amongst other things it houses a protest placard production workshop, but not a single dictionary. It can be found nestled in England’s green and pleasant land for 8 months of the year. Every November the Temple fully relocates to Benidorm for 4 months. They go well prepared with proper British provisions so that no foreign muck has to be consumed, and a proper cup of tea is assured. Whilst there they will entertain themselves by continually complaining about the locals. Every March they migrate back to the UK in a ritual pilgrimage known as “Taking Our Country Back”. (Outside observers often comment that it was a bit daft for them to leave it lying around unattended in the first place.)

(Shout out to Sarah Shepton, from whom I have shamelessly borrowed the “Hatie Cockpins” shtick.)

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Tequila – Goddess of Regret

April 4, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

When life gives you lemons, then you need to find Tequila… …and salt. Originating amongst the ancient Mayan civilisation, Tequila may be the only holy spirit you can bottle. It is a very friendly religion. Every other follower is your besht mate in the whole damn world and you love them man.

Tequila (or Mescal in the ancient Mayan religion), was appropriated by the Catholics as Santa Margarita, her feast coinciding with Shrove Tuesday, (as in don’t forget the Jiff Lemon on Santa Margarita Day). Her sacred animal is the Tequila Mockingbird.

Her temple houses a large distillery surrounded by picturesque gardens of spiky agave plants. The air is filled with the sound of the faithful chanting the mantra “Lick, Swallow, Suck”. Visitors can obtain (in return for an offering) a bottle of Tequila’s sacred libation. The floor is pocked with innumerable dents from where thousands of pilgrims have passed out over the centuries. As the saying goes, “One Tequila, two Tequila, three Tequila, FLOOR!”.

It is said that the spirit of Tequila has many mystical powers. These include the ability to turn a dog into a fox and to make you believe that you are an Adonis when naked. Each bottle contains what appears to be a dead worm. However, it is said that after three shots of sacrament the worm will speak to you, but it will only speak utter bollocks.

The Tequilan’s have an ancient calendar but it is incomplete. Her scholars figured it wouldn’t be the end of the world if they never finished it.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Perineum – God of the Middle World

April 3, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Stuck Between Heaven and a Very Dark Place.

Neither one thing nor the other in all aspects. His followers believe that the path to true happiness is indecision. If you never resolve anything, no one will ask you to do anything ever again and inner peace will be achieved. Pain and suffering occur when others force you to choose. His most famous hymn is “Meh, meh, meh, meh, s’alright I ‘s’pose”.

Each temple of Perineum is of a similar and unassuming design. They each have two doors. One pink, one brown. The most profound act of worship in this faith is to hover around the two doors to the temple nervously for an hour but never go in. Once inside, there are no pews to sit on. Instead there are rows and rows of Theological Fences upon which one must perch. Perineum’s sacred animal is the common domestic cat. His temples always have a resident sanctified clowder. They display the epitome of indecisiveness as they stand at the temple door asking to go out, and come in, and go out, and come in, and go out and come in. The primary temple of Perineum is located by the bridge over the river Biffin, in the quaint town of Tinter, (Tinter can be found in Barseshire).

One of the roles of the Priesthood of Perineum is to dispense justice. Unfortunately, no trials are ever resolved. Every single one ends in a hung jury. Never go out for a restaurant meal with a group of Perineum worshippers. Firstly, your fellow diners may never make it to the restaurant, many casualties may be trapped in their dressing rooms trying to select the perfect outfit for infinity. Even if you do manage to arrive before 6pm, you still wont have ordered by midnight. (This is probably where the dark rumours about cannibalism in the distant history of the faith stem from.) Followers of Perineum never plan their lives, they just lurch from indecision to indecision.

The most famous ancient Perineal philosopher, Maybemonides, once said, “Indecision is preferable to the terror of a wrong decision.”

In mythology Perineum is a somewhat sensitive deity, that feels like they never get enough attention. Traditionally one has to be careful not to offend Perineum. One slip and you will be in the deep brown.

Thank you to Adam Tomlinson for suggesting Perineum.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Grindr – God of Online Dating

April 2, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Let’s get one thing straight. He’s not. Grindr was a hugely popular deity amongst the seafaring Vikings during those long voyages.

It can be lonely on the fjords in winter, and the nearest booty call might be across 5 miles of sheer icy mountain. Grindr is the deity who brings lovers together to keep out the cold. Followers of Grindr carry his talisman, which will vibrate when another eligible follower comes within navigable distance. The pattern of vibration delivers important information about the potential hook up by Norse Code.

Grindr is the son of Blue Tooth. His origin story states that his mother, Nokia, gave birth to him in the closet to hide him from the evil Ice Giant Homophobe. Once fully grown he began to search for his sworn enemy, protecting his anonymity by appearing only as a disembodied torso. Once Homophobe was bound and rendered powerless, Grindr proudly left the closet and the rest of the pantheon had to get used to it. Grindr’s has a twin sister called Tinder.

Following the path of Grindr can be arduous. The standards of lifestyle, diet and dress are high. Many devotees pray assiduously and will check in with Grindr every few minutes. Even though there is nothing new. If Grindr blesses you with finding the perfect partner, it is traditional to celebrate that union until you are both Thor. In his temple, his priests or “Nerdics” tirelessly refine his holy algorithms to ensure appropriate matches. Once a year all followers of Grindr meet up and celebrate their Pride in their faith with parties and parades.

The Temple of Grindr are places where one can be one’s true self. The interiors are decorated with impeccable style taste. The sacred music played there is an ancient, traditional style, because there’s nowt so queer as folk. On the wall of the shady side of the temple, worshippers will often post saucy pictures of themselves in as offering to Grindr in hopes he will favour them with a match with Mr Right (or at least Mr Right Now). Parking is to the rear.

Grindr is, perhaps surprisingly, the only vegetarian Norse God. In fact he’s Norvegan. He is famous for his impressively large chopper and smooth shiny helmet. His sacred animals are a handsome bear with a powerful right swipe and a white swallow.

Thank you to Pascal Harper for suggesting Grindr.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Cannula – Goddess of Blood Donors

April 1, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Cannula is the goddess of blood donors, anaesthetists and re-hydration therapy. In mythology she was the consort of the God Apheresis until they were separated. Sadly, their love was in vein.

Whilst there are a few permanent temples to Cannula, most of her places of worship are temporary pop up affairs. They will often set up in schools, village halls and community centres. There are even a few mobile “Bus Temples” touring the country.

The temples of Cannula have a distinctive “green couch and screen” theme to the décor. Inside, the faithful will exchange donations of blood for a cuppa and a fig roll. As they enter the temple, worshippers will deposit a small drop of blood in a mysterious measuring cylinder. This test ascertains whether they will act with the level of specific gravity required whilst inside. If you are found to have “blod” in your veins, then it is because you are type-o.

Offerings of tea and biscuits are left at her temple by grateful benefactors to supply the donors.

Services of worship often continue all day with visitors coming and going, very much “going with the flow”. A typical call and response chant from one of Cannula’s rites goes,
Priest 1: Oh! Negative!
Priest 2: Oh! Positive
Priest 1: Hey, negative!
Priest 2: Hey, positive!
Priest 1: Be negative!
Priest 2: Be positive!
Congregation: ‘Eeey, be positive!

Following this there will usually be a short rhesus.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.