Teflonata – Goddess of Dangerous Ignorance

April 29, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 1 Comment

In the early days of the universe, the God Oafish imposed himself upon kindness of the Goddess Vacuous and to them the Goddess Teflonata was born. As a child Teflonata was shielded from any communal education that might contain dangerous ideas. Such as the notion that her parents might not have created the universe and everything in it, that there might be more than two genders or that the earth may be spherical. This careful upbringing left her powerfully impervious to reasoned argument.

The dogma of Teflonata is not so much a list of things you must believe, as a rule about whether or not you should believe any new information you encounter. This basically boils down to believing it if it comes from a man in the pub, a tabloid, Fox News, a click-bait article or alternative health website. If it comes from a reputable source then DON’T TRUST A WORD OF IT!

Followers of Teflonata are useful self-operating propaganda for the oligarchy. Say a miserly company owner does not wish to fork out for expensive safety precautions. All they need do is to inform the followers of Teflonata amongst the workforce that this would be “Health and Safety gone mad”. They will obediently repeat this mantra over and over until the entire workforce wants their role to have “MORE DANGER DAMMIT”! The sacred text of Teflonata is a dictionary with the word “Gullible” removed.

The church of Teflonata seeks to have a very loud say over how people live their lives, even those outside the faith. Especially if you are a woman. They know best what you should be doing with your body and how you should behave, not you! Perhaps the most notable sub-sect of Teflonata are the Antivaxxers. They follow and preach the writings of Andrew of Wakefield (which have been discredited by everyone else) slavishly and with blind devotion. Growing up in the Antivaxxer sect is perilous as they have parenting theories that would make a Spartan say, “Wow! That’s a bit harsh.” According to their beliefs it is better to have a child that can’t walk (or show vital signs) as long as they aren’t autistic*.

The clergy of Teflonata are known as “Trolles”. They are ranked in seniority based on how orange they are. The majority of their preaching work is carried out online. There is one branch of the priesthood solely engaged in incorrecting Wikipedia articles. The only branch which practice an active vocation are the “Homeopaths”. Their clinic advertises that cures for cancer which do not involve surgery, chemotherapy or radiotherapy. There the infirm can pay a fortune to relax in pleasant surroundings, sipping their “Memory Water” whilst gazing through the window at the large and picturesque cemetery outside.

If you wish to petition the Goddess Teflonata for something, it is said one should make a pilgrimage to the edge of the world and throw an offering of a packet of Orbit chewing gum into the void of space.

Should you pass a temple of Teflonata, look upwards, and you will see the Union flag proudly flying upside down. (They do not have planning permission for this flagpole, nor are they aware that they need it.) Above the entrance the motto “In Volumen Veritas” is carved into the stonework. Do not visit her temple if you are actually knowledgeable on any subject. Teflonites have an abject terror of “Experts”. Should you accidentally let slip that you have an IQ to a Teflonite, they will probably throw salt at you. They believe this is the best way to ward off snowflakes. This is why I cannot tell you anything about the inside of the temple. I have never been allowed in.

*I asked once. They didn’t actually know what autism is.

Thank you to Ju Haynes for suggesting Teflonata and to Dave Redford, Nigel Harper for chipping in some top pun suggestions. Kudos to Dave for punning in Latin.

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Brabantia – Goddess of Tidiness

April 27, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Brabantia has the most immaculate temples, which have a place for everything and everything in its place. The walls are lined floor to ceiling with shelves of storage caddies full of utensils. The grounds are gaily adorned with rotary prayer airers, which spin gently in the wind. Perhaps the most striking feature of the temple is the collection of 288 waste bins.

Followers of Brabantia believe that carrying out mundane household chores induces a transcendental meditative state through which wisdom and insight may be gained. Sacred music is used to accompany these tasks, and help achieve the desired state of mind. Her most famous hymns are “Another One Fights the Dust” and “Killer Clean”.

Upon death followers of Brabantia have their cremated remains neatly stored within the temple. Families can choose between a Roll Top or Fall Front “Dead Bin” in Metallic Mint, Passion Red, Clay Pink or Daisy Yellow.

The vestments of the clergy are always immaculately laundered and pressed. Their cleanliness is inspected before each ritual by a group of 3 senior priests known as “The Ironing Board”. They’d better wear them right, a priest who fails to meet the standards will do penance on the “Dish Rack”. Despite the threat of this, many youngsters aspire to be priests of Brabantia. One key duty of a priest is to clean the temple mirrors, and this is something a lot of young people can see themselves doing.

There are various sub-sects of Brabantia. One notable order is a desert dwelling group who practice abstinence from alcohol. They are known as “The Dry Cleaners”. All the various groups are overseen by the current High Priest, the Most Hygienic Bruce Springclean. He has absolute authority amongst his flock, everyone knows he’s the boss.

Should you transgress in the faith of Brabantia, you may be put on trial. In these trials, the priest or priestess will hold up the accused for the assembled congregation to see and say, “Does this still spark joy?”. Should you be found guilty the congregation will reply “NO!”, and you will be sold in a charity shop.

Brabantia resides in the mythical citadel of King’s Laundering where she sits on the “Ironing Throne”. (When you play this game of thrones you spin or you dry).

The motto of Brabantia is “Don’t put it down, put it away.”

Thank you to Ken Page for suggesting Brabantia.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Chardonnay – Goddess of Awkward Work Socials

April 26, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Shortly after the concept of employment began, way back in human prehistory, the excruciating torture of the work social began. In answer to a million desperate glances at watches, Chardonnay rose fully formed from the ashes of a barbecue to watch over all those hiding in the shrubbery and sobbing into their fourth cocktail. Chardonnay is always dressed smart-casual but is constantly desperate to take off her bra and slip into her pyjamas.

Worship of Chardonnay tends to take place in hired venues or outdoors. Any service you attend will somehow always also be attended by the same people you’ve had to put up with all week. The rites typically commence with lighting a ritual charcoal fire an hour in advance and then burning some sacrificial sausages on it. There will then usually be either a set meal (where no one can remember what they ordered 2 months ago) or a dry and curly buffet. There will follow a lengthy address by the Priest(ess) or “Boss”, who will desperately try to be funny. Throughout wine and ale will flow freely and worshippers must attempt to consume enough to lubricate their tolerance for the rest of the congregation whilst avoiding vomiting, crying or paralysis. The service will conclude with a sacred dance, usually to music from about 10 years previous. No one knows the correct moves to this dance, so they just stand in cliquey circles and jig on the spot awkwardly.

At special festivals, worshippers will draw lots to make a small, anonymous gift to a fellow worshipper that they could not give the tiny furry crack of a dead rat’s behind about. There are a few permanent Temples of Chardonnay. Their interiors are decorated with thousands of photocopies of bare bottoms. As you leave the Temple of Chardonnay a drunken wasp will be waiting to challenge you to a fight.

There are a few strange people out there who are genuinely enthusiastic followers of Chardonnay. Most people attending her rites are merely doing so out of a sense of duty, in an attempt at career advancement or to try and get “better acquainted” with Mo from accounts. These endeavours rarely end well.

Thank you to Gareth Wilden for suggesting Chardonnay.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Candida – Goddess of Itchy Privates and Plain Speaking

April 25, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Candida is a goddess with a very pale complexion and a constant expression of torment. If you are visited by Candida, unlike other deities, she will deliver her directions in no uncertain terms. She can sometimes be a little rash. You won’t get vague portents or metaphors from this goddess!

In her origin mythology she is said to have originally have been simply the Goddess of Blunt Truths. She was laid low by an attack from the furious Demon Bacterium (because the truth hurts). She was saved by the Goddess Penicillin, but was left with a sense of constant irritation and pH imbalance.

Her principle temple is located near Scratchy Bottom on the South Coast. Possibly due to the proximity to the sea, there is a distinct piscine aroma to the place. Her clergy move around the compound using the ceremonial walk, short steps with knees held together and fingers clenched. Any priest or priestess caught walking normally will be given a dishonourable discharge.

Throughout her services her devotees will sit on their hands with their legs crossed as they listen to a forthright sermon. The temple houses a particularly ornate mighty organ, which is decorated with an intricate relief depicting cavorting crabs. It is played at every service and the congregation must loudly applaud. The organist tends to get upset if they don’t get the clap every week. For some reason, peas are usually served at temple meals. One should never attempt to steal peas from a priestess’s plate. Those are her peas. Yogurt is also regularly served. Just not at meal times.

Candida is also known as “Throssel”, “The Beast from the Yeast” and “Lady Chalk of Billingsgate”. She was assimilated by the early Celtic church and Christianised as Saint Albicans. Thrushes are her sacred animals.

Thank you to Sarah Shepton @Afishoutofwtf for suggesting Candida.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Gelatine – Goddess of Wobbly Desserts

April 23, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

A Goddess set in a perfect mould. One is always certain when one has seen a vision of Gelatine – because Jam don’t shake like that. In her mythology she seduces allsorts of unsuspecting mortals to bear an army of children, known as the Geli Babies. She raises and trains these demi-god warriors to fight the demons Aspic and Vegan. She is not a goddess to be trifled with. When not procreating and waging war she resides on a remote dessert aisle.

Her temples are delicate architectural shells that are sometimes made of plastic, ceramic or glass. However, the highest of her churches are always made of brilliant burnished copper. The shapes vary, but interconnected ascending domes and sweeping arches are common themes. The altar is always laden with a display of delectable dessert offerings. The altar constantly gently oscillates by means of a cunning concealed mechanism. During a typical rite at one of Gelatine’s temples, one will partake of a communion of bread and wine gums.

Gelatine has a somewhat rubenesque priesthood. They will daily engage in at least an hour of meditative jiggling. This is said to be quite a sight to see. The High Priestess or Priest is known as “The Great Haribo”. The high priest has exclusive access to air travel in the church’s Jellycopter which can often be seen wobbling through the sky as The Great Haribo goes about the Goddess’ work. The current Great Haribo is called Mr Gerry Bean.

Gelatine the kind of deity one often finds where one least expects her to be. She is also a guardian of medicines and washing detergent. However, she not an all powerful deity. She is vulnerable to water, high temperatures and pineapples.

In pre-congregation times she was Christianised and later appropriated by the Roman Catholic Church as St Blancmange.

Thank you to Pascal Harper for suggesting Gelatine.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Anaglypta & Artex – Gods of Failed DIY Projects

April 19, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 2 Comments

The patron deities of “structural decor”. These gods have been around a long time, and it is likely to be many more centuries until the last traces of them are removed. They were first appealed to by terrified Roman plebeians cowering in their ramshackle insulae.

The Temple of Anaglypta and Artex is a potential death trap, despite initially appearing neat and sound, though dated. Don’t let this fool you. Chunks of masonry or plaster may fall on you like blessings from above. The pews are held together with matchsticks rather than dowels, and will collapse conveniently beneath your weight to help you assume the correct prostrate position for prayer.

In mythology Artex and Anaglypta are husband and wife. Theirs is a passionate and stormy relationship, often fought in the aisles of B&Q. In the end Artex won dominion over the ceilings and Anaglypta won control of the walls below the picture rail. Now, in unison, they cover their realms to hide the cracks in the universe and hold up the lath of the heavens. Before marrying Anaglypta, Artex was linked with Asbestos, until Asbestos was banished from the realm by the COSHH.

Artex is a spiky, prickly character. A brush with him is likely to leave you raw and bleeding. Anaglypta always looks slightly tired, old and dusty. She sometimes flocks to hang out in Indian restaurants.

At the festival of Artex it is traditional for worshippers to get plastered. Sometimes things can get a bit rough between followers who favour Artex the most, and those who love Anaglypta. In the resultant fight, the followers of Anaglypta usually get pasted. Their most memorable hymn is “What Goes Up” by Gordon & Brown.

Thank you to Adam Broadhust and Rebecca Stothard for coming up with Anaglypta and Artex separately. I hope you don’t mind that I married them off.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Floella – Goddess of Children’s Television

April 16, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

The epitome of vivacity and grace, Floella imparts the gifts of laughter, imagination and wisdom to children and the eternally young at heart. She assisted in this by her friends; The Holy Humpty, Theodore Maximus, Theodore Minimus, Jemima the Ragged Angel and Katoo the Carnivorous Cockatoo. Her scriptures tell of their travails and triumphs in overcoming the evil infant-demon “Hamble the Terrifier”, who is eventually defeated by “Poppy the Less Scary”. With a knitting needle. Up the bum.

Here’s her temple, here’s the door. 1, 2, 3, 4. There’s a round window, a square window and an arched window*. Which window will we look through today?

Her temple opens every day at 11am for 23 minutes. Inside her temple her worshippers play dress up, sing, dance, hear stories, draw pictures with big fat crayons or run around and around going, “neenaw neenaw neenaw neenaw” whilst pretending to be a fire engine. There are many large empty cardboard boxes lying around. It is important to know that they are not cardboard boxes. They are castles, and spaceships, and racing cars and submarines, and houses, and bob sleighs. The walls are adorned with thousands of proudly hung children’s paintings of Floella and her friends (usually depicting her with six fingers, an ear on her forehead and LOTS of love.) The floor is adorned with glitter and cockatoo poo.

More recently she has ascended to overseeing the “Playschool of Lords”.

*More recently constructed temples also have a triangular window.

Thank you to Rebecca Stothard for suggesting Floella.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Trangia – Goddess of Outdoor Cookery

April 14, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Trangia is an ancient Norse deity, who ensures a hot meal for Vikings on the go. Trangia was the daughter of the primordial elemental deity “Sausage God of Fire”. She was readily adopted by the former followers of Sausage. Sausage, demands a whole item of meat product to be cast into the fire in sacrifice every time a meal is cooked. Indeed, Sausage will often take this whether it is freely offered or not. Trangia, on the other hand, only requires a thin layer of food to be burned to the bottom of the pan (and even then she only demands this of inexperienced alfresco chefs).

Trangia is often described as a majestic beauty with flaming blue hair and a light physique. She resides in Asgard where she drinks only the strange, violet, Spirit of Methyl and dines on tablets of Hexamine. (In some traditions she is said to be a blind deity.) Trangia does not have a consort. She has met many potential matches. Sadly, although they struck it off well, each time things burned out too quickly.

Temples of Trangia are fully portable. Their graceful silver domes can be packed down to nest tightly together so they can be easily carried to the location of the next ritual. They are transported by the Temple Guard, who are a tough bunch despite their camp demeanour. Rites are usually held atop mountains, by lakes and at other sites of outstanding natural beauty. Occasionally they may be held at an outdoor event, festival or during a power cut. The great annual festival of Trangia is “The Beanfeast”, when followers of Trangia assemble in a great tent city. The church of Trangia took a pole of their follower’s during the last festival, and 100% of worshippers where upset when their tent collapsed.

A Trangian rite of worship commences with the ignition of the sacred flame. The priest will then put the kettle on, and whilst they wait for it to boil, the congregation will raise their voices in singing hymns. Perhaps the most well known of these is the haunting sacred motet “Ging-gang-goolie”. The assembled will then pass around a communal white, blue rimmed, enamel chalice of tea made with Ultra Holy Trangia milk. Then they anoint their blistered lips with sanctified unguent. At the end of the service, the officiating priest will ceremonially drop the divine brass disc to extinguish the sacred flame until next time. If is considered a bad omen should the disc fall incorrectly, requiring nudging into the correct position with the pan grip. Due to the liquids consumed, worshippers often hurry out at the end, and nip around the back for an urgent tea-pee.

Trangia protects her faithful from of bits of wood or charcoal ash invading their food. If a follower of Trangia finds a black bit in their dinner, they can rest assured that it is the remains of a suicidal insect, and therefore full of protein.

Followers of Trangia practice transcendental sexual meditation, and are said to be intents lovers. It can be hard to pin down a firm date-night with them though, as they only ever make tentative arrangements.

Trangia was suggested by Wesley Perriman, Rebecca Stothard, Erica Madelin and Dave Redford whilst we waited for the kettle to boil in a field in Derbyshire.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Cholesterolia – Goddess of Fry-Ups

April 13, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

The saviour of the manual worker and the hung-over. She is usually considered to be a Goddess of the morning, but is actually welcome at any time of day. Cholesterolia is particularly popular in Scotland, Ireland and Gibraltar.

In the early days of her church, two distinct orders emerged. The “Red Saucers” and the “Brown Saucers”. The “Brown Saucers” then schismed further into the “HPs” and the “Daddies”. In South Yorkshire there is a heretical break away sect called the “Hendos”.

Her temples are known as “Dicula Pinguia”. Inside worshippers can partake of the service and shared meal sat on plastic chairs at Formica tables. The Priests and Priestesses are typically surly and robed in symbolically stained vestments. Religious literature is freely available, in tabloid format. On her altar stands a display of condiments, crisps, chocolate and cans. Adjacent to this is the offertory jar hopefully labelled “Tips”. The walls are adorned with scriptures listing the permitted foods, with no regard to the correct usage of any known human language. If you pass the door you might hear the sound of a meditation chant drifting out on the breeze “Ooooooooommmmmlette”.

There are certain sins which are considered deadly to followers of Cholesterolia. Chief amongst these are; letting smashed avocado anywhere near your fry up, garnishing with anything green, asking for hippy teas, and serving said fry up on anything other than a proper plate. Transgressors will be beaten until they are scrambled. (White pudding, Lorne sausage, lava bread, potato cakes, oat cakes and soda bread are all accepted regional variations.)

Her holy day is Fry-day.

Cholesterolia was inspired by the photos of gargantuan weekend fry ups that Jake Cosford, Martin Thiselton and Keith Schofield kept posting. Cholesterolia must watch over them, for they are all still slim!

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Gorgonzola – Goddess of Cheese Dreams

April 11, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

A terrifying ancient deity of the realm of nightmares, worshipped across five counties and beyond. Her popularity is inter-Comte-nental. One look at Gorgonzola is said to drive you crackers. Completely Emmental. Her snarling visage is webbed with blue veins and she carries a vicious hooked knife and cheese wire. Gorgonzola has spawned many lactic phantasm offspring known as “The Little Baby Cheeses”. She rides a mythical steed called the “Care-Filly” Her sacred animals are the Welsh Rabbit and the Laughing Cow, and the Primula is her holy flower.

Her cult is a shamanistic one. Her followers will ritualistically gorge on dairy products to induce a transcendental nightmare state. There are special preparation rites for making the “dark cheeses” where Edam is made backwards.

Every morning her followers must perform a ritual whereby they stand directly in front of a mirror, look into their own eyes, raise their right hand in a gesture of greeting and chant “Hallou me”. When on a ship, her followers partake in a ritual where they gather on one side and raise their hands to their heads in reverence. This is known as the Port Salut. Following Gorgonzola is a whey of life. The motto of Gorgonzola’s followers is, “Stilton is for life, not just for Christmas.”

The senior priest can be recognised by his great height. He is not, in fact, tall. He just always has his sacred stilt on. The priesthood wear muslin robes. They did experiment with making vestments from cheese slices, but it didn’t work. They discovered that fromage frays. The clergy call the faithful to prayer by ringing baby bells.

Her shrine is located near Wensleydale in a complex system of well-guarded natural caves. Meaning worshippers must pick their way past a rock fort and across a lot of de-brie to get to it. Then they must cross a lake of stringy molten cheese, known as the “Moatzarella”. Deep within the shrine is a statue of Gorgonzola. In order to make the statue survive the damp cave conditions the priests painted it. (In fact they double glossed her.)

Gorgonzola was later Christianised as St. Agur.

Thank you to Pascal Harper for suggesting Gorgonzola (Sorry if all these cheese jokes are nacho cup of tea.)

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.