Cancelle – Goddess of Public Transport

April 6, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Cancelle watches over all those who chose to take their spiritual journey in close communion with others from all walks of life. She is appealed to by those who wait in the rain or stand in the aisles. Some say that worship of Cancelle is the preserve of the less financially fortunate. However, she also has affluent devotees who believe following her way has benefits for the whole planet. The way of Cancelle is considered by many to be the most environmentally friendly method of getting to the afterlife. Devotees of Cancelle believe that, when they die, they will travel to the next world on a brand new, clean Omnichariot. (The Omnichariot is a high occupancy vehicle which will always move twice as fast when you are trying to catch it as when you are in it). The scriptures say that (for the righteous) it will arrive on time and will be of the correct operating company to accept the Day-Mega-Soul-Saver ticket you purchased earlier. If one has lived an especially devout life, one will travel to the afterlife without having to share a seat or hold a conversation with a fruitcake.

In antiquity her temples used to be known as “Stations”. However, in the 21st Century they have been trendily rebranded as “Interchanges”. They are cavernous halls filled with the aromas of the traditional diesel fume and urine scented incense. The readings and sermon are delivered in an ethereal echoic voice through a crackly P.A. system. Although delivered at great volume and in Received Pronunciation, it is impossible to decipher any useful information. As a back-up, the key points of the homily and scriptures are displayed on electronic screens (when they are working). The service will begin with a cry of “Hold tight please” and will end with the ringing of a small bell. There is almost always inadequate seating in the temples, to ease this issue one should move to the back of the temple on entering. In getting to the back of the temple one can fall over 50 feet with only minor injuries. You should not attempt to sit in one of the “priority seats” at the front unless you have genuine need of them. They are reserved for the elderly and infirm of the congregation. Transgressors of this rule will be condemned to die the “Death of a Thousand Walking Sticks”.

There are some strict rules you must abide by if you wish to visit one of Cancelle’s houses of worship. Unlike many other faiths, consumption of alcohol is forbidden within the temple. Also loud music, skateboarding and keep your feet off the seats. Worshippers are constantly reminded not to leave baggage unattended and are advised to report suspicious packages. So it’s advised not to wear budgie smugglers when visiting. The largest and most famous of Cancelle’s temples is located in Hull. It is considered to be the Paragon of temples. In order to visit one will need to purchase a ticket to Hull and back. If you are in need of refreshment during your visit, most of her temples feature a café serving tea and coffee, the price of which is inversely proportional to the quality. They also serve the customary holy trinity of foods; the Pious Pasty, the Sacred Sausage Roll and the Transcendental Teacake. They do try to keep the temples maintained. If a statue of Cancelle gets broken, they have a replacement bust service.

The High Priest of each temple is known as the “Driver”, and they are assisted by their deputy, known the “Conductor”. (In the higher Maglev Temples, this post is called the “Superconductor”.) As one leaves the temple after your visit, one must express one’s thanks to the priest or be considered a mannerless oaf by all other worshippers. In the south-west the traditional expression of gratitude is “Cheers Drive!” but this varies from region to region. Smaller shrines and chapels are known as “Stops” or “Halts” and may consist of little more than a holy sign on a chewing gum encrusted pole. These are often situated in bleak and isolated places, serving the homesteads of a few remote faithful.

The scriptures of Cancelle are revised at least once annually, changing the number and timings of services, in order to maintain the mystery of the faith. However, the tradition of having a long period of inactivity at some point in the day followed by three services back to back, is always preserved. The days on which the new scriptures are adopted are invariably days of chaos. Cancelle appears in numerous pantheons around the world and is also sometimes known as Schedula, Tramantha and in Wales as Bend-Y-Bus. She is also the Goddess of Monorails, but I couldn’t think of any one-liners about that.

Cancelle was suggested by Nigel Harper whilst on the 135 to Sheffield.

Idol Scribblings Volume Two
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If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Ku-Klux-Nan – Goddess of Racist Biddies

April 5, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Ku-Klux-Nan is a truly ancient goddess. She’s 5987 you know, and she can remember a time before we had any of this nonsense. Much of what we know of the origin of this goddess come down to us through the surviving writings of the 4th BCE writer Xenophobe. In the days when there was but one pantheon known in the world, Ku-Klux-Nan was the Goddess of Quiet Lives. The first time she encountered a deity from another land, she was overcome by fear and jealousy. “How dare they come over here stealing our worshippers!”. This vitriol was so powerful that it warped her very form into that of a wizened hag with a mouth like a cat’s arse. It is said by some that she was rendered so hideous that she henceforth covered her fearsome visage with a white hood. Others say that she is wearing it because she just had a wash and set done and it’s drizzling. Ku-Klux-Nan has numerous Children and Grandchildren. They are all hideously embarrassed by her when she gets on about politics.

The religion of Ku-Klux-Nan, presided over by High Priestess Hatie Cockpins, is an isolationist one. They associate very rarely with those outside the faith, and then only for the purposes of trade. A highly judgemental sect, their disapproval is usually expressed through glares, snide comments, boycotting, marching and funding right wing politics. Occasionally they are driven to smite people with a flaming, rolled up copy of the Daily Fail. The clergy live on a strict diet of gammon and each other’s opinions. Followers of Ku-Klux-Nan believe that when the righteous die, they will go to a Utopian afterlife, which is just like what England wasn’t really like in the 1950s (See: Isle of White).

Surprisingly, amongst Ku-Klux-Nan’s followers you will sometimes find elderly members of the long-standing immigrant community. They are there to complain about the latest lot to arrive and how they are ruining everything. They may even win the grudging acceptance of the other church members, provided they can whip up a satisfactory Victoria Sponge for the Garden Fete and don’t have too strong an accent. Having them around proves that the other members of the faith are not racist but…

The Temple of Ku-Klux-Nan is essentially massive echo chamber. Amongst other things it houses a protest placard production workshop, but not a single dictionary. It can be found nestled in England’s green and pleasant land for 8 months of the year. Every November the Temple fully relocates to Benidorm for 4 months. They go well prepared with proper British provisions so that no foreign muck has to be consumed, and a proper cup of tea is assured. Whilst there they will entertain themselves by continually complaining about the locals. Every March they migrate back to the UK in a ritual pilgrimage known as “Taking Our Country Back”. (Outside observers often comment that it was a bit daft for them to leave it lying around unattended in the first place.)

(Shout out to Sarah Shepton, from whom I have shamelessly borrowed the “Hatie Cockpins” shtick.)

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Tequila – Goddess of Regret

April 4, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

When life gives you lemons, then you need to find Tequila… …and salt. Originating amongst the ancient Mayan civilisation, Tequila may be the only holy spirit you can bottle. It is a very friendly religion. Every other follower is your besht mate in the whole damn world and you love them man.

Tequila (or Mescal in the ancient Mayan religion), was appropriated by the Catholics as Santa Margarita, her feast coinciding with Shrove Tuesday, (as in don’t forget the Jiff Lemon on Santa Margarita Day). Her sacred animal is the Tequila Mockingbird.

Her temple houses a large distillery surrounded by picturesque gardens of spiky agave plants. The air is filled with the sound of the faithful chanting the mantra “Lick, Swallow, Suck”. Visitors can obtain (in return for an offering) a bottle of Tequila’s sacred libation. The floor is pocked with innumerable dents from where thousands of pilgrims have passed out over the centuries. As the saying goes, “One Tequila, two Tequila, three Tequila, FLOOR!”.

It is said that the spirit of Tequila has many mystical powers. These include the ability to turn a dog into a fox and to make you believe that you are an Adonis when naked. Each bottle contains what appears to be a dead worm. However, it is said that after three shots of sacrament the worm will speak to you, but it will only speak utter bollocks.

The Tequilan’s have an ancient calendar but it is incomplete. Her scholars figured it wouldn’t be the end of the world if they never finished it.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Grindr – God of Online Dating

April 2, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Let’s get one thing straight. He’s not. Grindr was a hugely popular deity amongst the seafaring Vikings during those long voyages.

It can be lonely on the fjords in winter, and the nearest booty call might be across 5 miles of sheer icy mountain. Grindr is the deity who brings lovers together to keep out the cold. Followers of Grindr carry his talisman, which will vibrate when another eligible follower comes within navigable distance. The pattern of vibration delivers important information about the potential hook up by Norse Code.

Grindr is the son of Blue Tooth. His origin story states that his mother, Nokia, gave birth to him in the closet to hide him from the evil Ice Giant Homophobe. Once fully grown he began to search for his sworn enemy, protecting his anonymity by appearing only as a disembodied torso. Once Homophobe was bound and rendered powerless, Grindr proudly left the closet and the rest of the pantheon had to get used to it. Grindr’s has a twin sister called Tinder.

Following the path of Grindr can be arduous. The standards of lifestyle, diet and dress are high. Many devotees pray assiduously and will check in with Grindr every few minutes. Even though there is nothing new. If Grindr blesses you with finding the perfect partner, it is traditional to celebrate that union until you are both Thor. In his temple, his priests or “Nerdics” tirelessly refine his holy algorithms to ensure appropriate matches. Once a year all followers of Grindr meet up and celebrate their Pride in their faith with parties and parades.

The Temple of Grindr are places where one can be one’s true self. The interiors are decorated with impeccable style taste. The sacred music played there is an ancient, traditional style, because there’s nowt so queer as folk. On the wall of the shady side of the temple, worshippers will often post saucy pictures of themselves in as offering to Grindr in hopes he will favour them with a match with Mr Right (or at least Mr Right Now). Parking is to the rear.

Grindr is, perhaps surprisingly, the only vegetarian Norse God. In fact he’s Norvegan. He is famous for his impressively large chopper and smooth shiny helmet. His sacred animals are a handsome bear with a powerful right swipe and a white swallow.

Thank you to Pascal Harper for suggesting Grindr.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Cannula – Goddess of Blood Donors

April 1, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Cannula is the goddess of blood donors, anaesthetists and re-hydration therapy. In mythology she was the consort of the God Apheresis until they were separated. Sadly, their love was in vein.

Whilst there are a few permanent temples to Cannula, most of her places of worship are temporary pop up affairs. They will often set up in schools, village halls and community centres. There are even a few mobile “Bus Temples” touring the country.

The temples of Cannula have a distinctive “green couch and screen” theme to the décor. Inside, the faithful will exchange donations of blood for a cuppa and a fig roll. As they enter the temple, worshippers will deposit a small drop of blood in a mysterious measuring cylinder. This test ascertains whether they will act with the level of specific gravity required whilst inside. If you are found to have “blod” in your veins, then it is because you are type-o.

Offerings of tea and biscuits are left at her temple by grateful benefactors to supply the donors.

Services of worship often continue all day with visitors coming and going, very much “going with the flow”. A typical call and response chant from one of Cannula’s rites goes,
Priest 1: Oh! Negative!
Priest 2: Oh! Positive
Priest 1: Hey, negative!
Priest 2: Hey, positive!
Priest 1: Be negative!
Priest 2: Be positive!
Congregation: ‘Eeey, be positive!

Following this there will usually be a short rhesus.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Senna – Goddess of Regular Occurrences

March 31, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Consistency is the watchword of this goddess. Her followers will visit her temple daily without fail, sometimes more often.

Her temple is divided into individual stalls or “Meditation Pods” where worshippers will cogitate in companionable solitude. Each pod is equipped with it’s own throne of contemplation, sacred scroll and library of faith reading such as “Oh Wally, Where Art Thou?” and “The Garfield Philosophy”. Her sacred scrolls are soft, strong and very, very long (and perforated).

The rows of Meditation Pods open out onto a space equipped with basins for ritual cleansing. Unlike other faiths where one ablutes before attending a shrine, worshippers of Senna will wash as they leave.

If you are in need and wrestling to achieve the desired ruminative state, the priests or priestess will give you a chalice of sanctified prune juice, to ease the passing of your spiritual suffering.

Her temple is gloriously decorated by the art, verse and musings of thousands of pilgrims. Such as the famous lines:

“There I sat, broken hearted,
I’d paid a penny and only farted,
My tightened lips in prayer a-quivered,
and Praise be to Senna! I was delivered.”

Thank you to Carrie-May Mealor for suggesting Senna.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Patella – Goddess of Dodgy Knees

March 30, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Some philosophers say that faith is a crutch, but the philosophy of the followers of Patella is to put their faith in a crutch.

Patella has numerous Temples around the world, including ones in; Stepney (UK), Krzywe Kolanois (Poland) and Stiffknee Knob (NC – USA). There are no stairs in Patella’s temples. Every comfortable pew is accompanied by it’s own soft pouffé for the elevation of aching limbs. Hot and cold compress hassocks are available to borrow for a small donation. All prayers are offered from a seated position. Repeated standing and kneeling for prayer is not required. Patella understands.

Patella’s Sabbath day is Saturday. The rites of Patella can induce a euphoria in her worshippers which makes them weak at the knees, known as “Saturday Night Femur”. Other faiths experience “the rapture”, followers of Patella experience “the rupture”. During services “Groaning Hymns” are sung by her choirs, accompanied by trom-bones, in perfect harmon-knee. (One of the most famous of her sacred works is Mike Oldfield’s “Tubular Bandages”.) A sacrament of rubbing alcohol and ibuprofen is shared by the congregation during the service. You are advised to partake sparingly, or you may get inkneebriated. At the close of a ritual, instead of applause, the gathered faithful will crack their joints as they rise to make a clickophony of appreciation.

They are a very benevolent religion. The faithful will always hop to it if they see an opportunity to help the kneedy. They often co-ordinate multi agency disaster relief aid, as they are really good at managing a joint effort. In addition they are big believers in justice and fairness and her church provides free legal representation to accused persons who cannot afford a legal counsel. Especially those hop less cases who don’t have a leg to stand on. Beneficiaries will confirm that they are highly skilled barristers, and have often described them as “the bee’s knees”.

Her clergy can be identified by their distinctive official headwear known as the “Knee Cap”. In countries where religions are suppressed and they must act in secret, her followers will identify themselves to one another via the secret “Limp Handshake”. The mystics of Patella, are said to be able to predict the weather via their aching joints. When a new member is inducted into the priesthood they are ceremonially anointed with Deep Heat.

Patella was Christianised as the Cornish Pre-congregation saints, the twin sisters St Fibula and St Tibia. In the Ancient Greek pantheon her equivalent is Dodgyknees, who lived in a barrel. (If you find the puns in this one too painful, just try to appreciate the iron knee.)

Thank you Rebecca Stothard for suggesting Patella

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Miiiiiiiss – Goddess of Teachers

March 29, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 1 Comment

Shortly after the dawn of time, the earliest two primordial deities were delivered of their first progeny. Being a divine child, it was a matter of minutes before the precocious babe opened it’s lips and asked it’s parents “Why?”. By the end of the day they had been asked this 3,045,867 times. In frustration these first parents took white chalk from the earth, formed it, and poured into it all the knowledge and withering sarcasm they could muster. Then finally they imbued it with a cursed immortal life. Her unique powers are being able to work for 80 hours a week whilst surviving on just coffee and biscuits, and the ability to freeze a miscreant 14 year old at 90 paces with the one word.

Miiiiiiis has three avatars, and sometimes appears as a three headed conjoined deity. She has a Head, a Deputy Head and an Assistant Head. The youngest of these is the comely “Miiiiiiiss Tottey”. She is the embodiment of enthusiasm and idealism, and the favourite of all the boys. She carries the torch of the sacred flame of education and always has traces of glitter somewhere on her. The eldest “Miiiiiiiss Didactia” has been thoroughly desiccated over said flame of education. She carries an expression like a gamma knife and a stick which (you hope) she only uses to point things out on the board. This avatar is a guardian of “the old ways” of golden silence and copying it out again neatly. In the middle there is “Miss Miss Miss Miiiiiiiss” who watches over those with additional responsibility with a kindly professional eye.

Miiiiiiiss does not live on Olympus, Asgard or any of the usual homes of the gods. She is believed to live in a store cupboard in her temple from 3.30pm to 8.30am. For one month a year, in summer, Miiiiiiiss vanishes from this realm entirely. No one knows where she goes. On the rare occasions that she appears to the faithful outside of her temple, they will be overcome with a feeling of excruciating awkwardness and not know what to say to her.

The Temple of Miiiiiiiss is a large institution which smells faintly of fried spam. Be warned, mobile phones are banned here, and if you chew gum be sure to bring enough for everyone. There is a large, ornate clock hanging in each room. Around the bezel of each clock the words “Time shall pass, but will you?” are engraved. One should never actually gaze directly at the face of the Clock of Miiiiiiiss, it is there for her not for you. The Primary Temple of Miiiiiiiss houses a wise Oracle. An offering of chocolate for the staff room is required in order to ask them a question. Then one must raise one’s hand and wait patiently. Unlike every other oracle ever, the Oracle of Miiiiiiiss will ensure you fully and clearly understand their answer. They may even draw diagrams.

Miiiiiiiss is omnipresent and watches the actions of her faithful with interest. The faith of Miiiiiiiss is one of the few that rigorously still records attendance, and may fine a recalcitrant worshipper for their unauthorised absence. If you are using graph paper, the goddess will keep an especially close watch over you. Just in case you are plotting something. It is said that Miiiiiiiss is almost all powerful. She was once, however, overcome by the miasma of 15 teenage boys who had been playing football on a hot day, got rained on and then applied 15 cans of Lynx Africa. Fortunately she was revived by Matronia Goddess of School Nurses with an ice pack.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Flatula – Goddess of Girl Farts

March 10, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Not the most popular deity, and rarely worshipped in confined spaces. The ethos of Flatula is “Wherever you be, let your wind blow free”. She is considered uncouth by approximately 50% of people, the rest find her hilarious. The Flatula mythology contains a devil figure called “Yakult” who continually seeks to destroy Flatula’s divine wind. Her consort is “Throu” God of Digestion. It is generally considered to be better to follow Flatula than to follow Throu.

Followers of Flatula traditionally greet each other with their index finger outstretched and the words “Digitus meus trahere”. They adhere to a strict diet of only beans, mushy peas, cauliflower and eggs in order to ensure a constant production of poius maft.

The vestments of her clergy are designed to lift and waft humorously at the slightest zephyr. At their initiation into the priesthood they will be given a tattoo of a stylised gust of wind on their arms. This is known as “wearing your fart on your sleeve”. The priestesses of Flatula are renowned as skilled physicians. Should you consult them, they will perform a thorough diagnosis which will include taking your fart rate.

The temples of Flatua have elegant, sculpted frontage supported by shapely columns, topped by a fringed pelmet. There are many unglazed windows, to ensure adequate ventilation. Inside the walls are decorated with aesthetic airbrushed murals. These are created by the artist blowing paint the onto the wall using their bottom breath. This distinctive style is known as Pop Fart. There is no limit to the time one may remain in her temple and admire the paintings, you can stay to your fart’s content.

The temple musicians play throughout the day in her honour. Her best known pieces of sacred music include “Fanfare for the Common Woman”, “There Goes the Elephant” and “Shoot that Duck”. The only instruments permitted to be played in her temple are the Kazoo, the rattle and the sackbutt.

Flatula is closely associated with the Viking Goddess Queef. She has many variants in pantheons across the world, she seems to be a deity who resonates with many people. Ironically, should Flatula appear to you, you should not break wind before her. It’s her turn.

Flatula was suggested by Kris Hudson-Lee

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.