Madhur – Goddess of the Great British Curry

April 30, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 1 Comment

Gentle Goddess of British Curries, Writers, Travellers and Actresses, Madhur is a Jack of all trades and a Master of Naan.

She originated when the people of 20th century Britain realised that their food was monotonous bland crap and they desperately needed “Some of that foreign muck” to stave off the culinary ennui. Madhur was their saviour from the east, from the silver screen to the soup tureen. Now she is truly taken into their hearts.

You will almost certainly be first drawn to Madhur’s temple (or Dawat) by the delicious cooking aromas. Any visitor knocking at her temple door is warmly invited to cumin. (You may want to wear an extra layer of clove-ing, it can be a little chilli inside.) It is traditional for visitors to her temple to leave an offering of Biryani, known as the “Sacrifrice”.

Madhur is served by both priests and priestesses, known as “Madhur’s Dhalings”. The priesthood usually live in the temple where they each have a madras to sleep on with a pilau to rest their head. Priests traditionally wear tiny tight swimming trunks beneath their vestments, known as “Bhaji Smugglers”. This is why they always sit down gingerly. When the High Priestess is feeling a little down, the other priestesses will play some of the music of Karnataka to pep her up.

This is a religion characterised by a positive attitude to life amongst its devotees. In fact, they see positivity the ghee to success. They also believe in the balance of energy in the universe, or “Korma”. Followers of Madhur will cheerfully greet each other with a warm “Aloo!”. When something needs doing, they do it raita way, it is frowned upon to just sit around on your anise. When under stress they do their best to keep calm and karahi on.

(All jokes and puns above are homage and intended indiabsolute nicest possible way.)

Thank you to Adam Broadhurst for suggesting Madhur.

Idol Scribblings Volume Two
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If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Teflonata – Goddess of Dangerous Ignorance

April 29, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 1 Comment

In the early days of the universe, the God Oafish imposed himself upon kindness of the Goddess Vacuous and to them the Goddess Teflonata was born. As a child Teflonata was shielded from any communal education that might contain dangerous ideas. Such as the notion that her parents might not have created the universe and everything in it, that there might be more than two genders or that the earth may be spherical. This careful upbringing left her powerfully impervious to reasoned argument.

The dogma of Teflonata is not so much a list of things you must believe, as a rule about whether or not you should believe any new information you encounter. This basically boils down to believing it if it comes from a man in the pub, a tabloid, Fox News, a click-bait article or alternative health website. If it comes from a reputable source then DON’T TRUST A WORD OF IT!

Followers of Teflonata are useful self-operating propaganda for the oligarchy. Say a miserly company owner does not wish to fork out for expensive safety precautions. All they need do is to inform the followers of Teflonata amongst the workforce that this would be “Health and Safety gone mad”. They will obediently repeat this mantra over and over until the entire workforce wants their role to have “MORE DANGER DAMMIT”! The sacred text of Teflonata is a dictionary with the word “Gullible” removed.

The church of Teflonata seeks to have a very loud say over how people live their lives, even those outside the faith. Especially if you are a woman. They know best what you should be doing with your body and how you should behave, not you! Perhaps the most notable sub-sect of Teflonata are the Antivaxxers. They follow and preach the writings of Andrew of Wakefield (which have been discredited by everyone else) slavishly and with blind devotion. Growing up in the Antivaxxer sect is perilous as they have parenting theories that would make a Spartan say, “Wow! That’s a bit harsh.” According to their beliefs it is better to have a child that can’t walk (or show vital signs) as long as they aren’t autistic*.

The clergy of Teflonata are known as “Trolles”. They are ranked in seniority based on how orange they are. The majority of their preaching work is carried out online. There is one branch of the priesthood solely engaged in incorrecting Wikipedia articles. The only branch which practice an active vocation are the “Homeopaths”. Their clinic advertises that cures for cancer which do not involve surgery, chemotherapy or radiotherapy. There the infirm can pay a fortune to relax in pleasant surroundings, sipping their “Memory Water” whilst gazing through the window at the large and picturesque cemetery outside.

If you wish to petition the Goddess Teflonata for something, it is said one should make a pilgrimage to the edge of the world and throw an offering of a packet of Orbit chewing gum into the void of space.

Should you pass a temple of Teflonata, look upwards, and you will see the Union flag proudly flying upside down. (They do not have planning permission for this flagpole, nor are they aware that they need it.) Above the entrance the motto “In Volumen Veritas” is carved into the stonework. Do not visit her temple if you are actually knowledgeable on any subject. Teflonites have an abject terror of “Experts”. Should you accidentally let slip that you have an IQ to a Teflonite, they will probably throw salt at you. They believe this is the best way to ward off snowflakes. This is why I cannot tell you anything about the inside of the temple. I have never been allowed in.

*I asked once. They didn’t actually know what autism is.

Thank you to Ju Haynes for suggesting Teflonata and to Dave Redford, Nigel Harper for chipping in some top pun suggestions. Kudos to Dave for punning in Latin.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Brabantia – Goddess of Tidiness

April 27, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Brabantia has the most immaculate temples, which have a place for everything and everything in its place. The walls are lined floor to ceiling with shelves of storage caddies full of utensils. The grounds are gaily adorned with rotary prayer airers, which spin gently in the wind. Perhaps the most striking feature of the temple is the collection of 288 waste bins.

Followers of Brabantia believe that carrying out mundane household chores induces a transcendental meditative state through which wisdom and insight may be gained. Sacred music is used to accompany these tasks, and help achieve the desired state of mind. Her most famous hymns are “Another One Fights the Dust” and “Killer Clean”.

Upon death followers of Brabantia have their cremated remains neatly stored within the temple. Families can choose between a Roll Top or Fall Front “Dead Bin” in Metallic Mint, Passion Red, Clay Pink or Daisy Yellow.

The vestments of the clergy are always immaculately laundered and pressed. Their cleanliness is inspected before each ritual by a group of 3 senior priests known as “The Ironing Board”. They’d better wear them right, a priest who fails to meet the standards will do penance on the “Dish Rack”. Despite the threat of this, many youngsters aspire to be priests of Brabantia. One key duty of a priest is to clean the temple mirrors, and this is something a lot of young people can see themselves doing.

There are various sub-sects of Brabantia. One notable order is a desert dwelling group who practice abstinence from alcohol. They are known as “The Dry Cleaners”. All the various groups are overseen by the current High Priest, the Most Hygienic Bruce Springclean. He has absolute authority amongst his flock, everyone knows he’s the boss.

Should you transgress in the faith of Brabantia, you may be put on trial. In these trials, the priest or priestess will hold up the accused for the assembled congregation to see and say, “Does this still spark joy?”. Should you be found guilty the congregation will reply “NO!”, and you will be sold in a charity shop.

Brabantia resides in the mythical citadel of King’s Laundering where she sits on the “Ironing Throne”. (When you play this game of thrones you spin or you dry).

The motto of Brabantia is “Don’t put it down, put it away.”

Thank you to Ken Page for suggesting Brabantia.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Chardonnay – Goddess of Awkward Work Socials

April 26, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Shortly after the concept of employment began, way back in human prehistory, the excruciating torture of the work social began. In answer to a million desperate glances at watches, Chardonnay rose fully formed from the ashes of a barbecue to watch over all those hiding in the shrubbery and sobbing into their fourth cocktail. Chardonnay is always dressed smart-casual but is constantly desperate to take off her bra and slip into her pyjamas.

Worship of Chardonnay tends to take place in hired venues or outdoors. Any service you attend will somehow always also be attended by the same people you’ve had to put up with all week. The rites typically commence with lighting a ritual charcoal fire an hour in advance and then burning some sacrificial sausages on it. There will then usually be either a set meal (where no one can remember what they ordered 2 months ago) or a dry and curly buffet. There will follow a lengthy address by the Priest(ess) or “Boss”, who will desperately try to be funny. Throughout wine and ale will flow freely and worshippers must attempt to consume enough to lubricate their tolerance for the rest of the congregation whilst avoiding vomiting, crying or paralysis. The service will conclude with a sacred dance, usually to music from about 10 years previous. No one knows the correct moves to this dance, so they just stand in cliquey circles and jig on the spot awkwardly.

At special festivals, worshippers will draw lots to make a small, anonymous gift to a fellow worshipper that they could not give the tiny furry crack of a dead rat’s behind about. There are a few permanent Temples of Chardonnay. Their interiors are decorated with thousands of photocopies of bare bottoms. As you leave the Temple of Chardonnay a drunken wasp will be waiting to challenge you to a fight.

There are a few strange people out there who are genuinely enthusiastic followers of Chardonnay. Most people attending her rites are merely doing so out of a sense of duty, in an attempt at career advancement or to try and get “better acquainted” with Mo from accounts. These endeavours rarely end well.

Thank you to Gareth Wilden for suggesting Chardonnay.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Candida – Goddess of Itchy Privates and Plain Speaking

April 25, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Candida is a goddess with a very pale complexion and a constant expression of torment. If you are visited by Candida, unlike other deities, she will deliver her directions in no uncertain terms. She can sometimes be a little rash. You won’t get vague portents or metaphors from this goddess!

In her origin mythology she is said to have originally have been simply the Goddess of Blunt Truths. She was laid low by an attack from the furious Demon Bacterium (because the truth hurts). She was saved by the Goddess Penicillin, but was left with a sense of constant irritation and pH imbalance.

Her principle temple is located near Scratchy Bottom on the South Coast. Possibly due to the proximity to the sea, there is a distinct piscine aroma to the place. Her clergy move around the compound using the ceremonial walk, short steps with knees held together and fingers clenched. Any priest or priestess caught walking normally will be given a dishonourable discharge.

Throughout her services her devotees will sit on their hands with their legs crossed as they listen to a forthright sermon. The temple houses a particularly ornate mighty organ, which is decorated with an intricate relief depicting cavorting crabs. It is played at every service and the congregation must loudly applaud. The organist tends to get upset if they don’t get the clap every week. For some reason, peas are usually served at temple meals. One should never attempt to steal peas from a priestess’s plate. Those are her peas. Yogurt is also regularly served. Just not at meal times.

Candida is also known as “Throssel”, “The Beast from the Yeast” and “Lady Chalk of Billingsgate”. She was assimilated by the early Celtic church and Christianised as Saint Albicans. Thrushes are her sacred animals.

Thank you to Sarah Shepton @Afishoutofwtf for suggesting Candida.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Drax – God of Power Stations

April 24, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Drax is a huge, grey and imposing deity from Yorkshire. His most striking feature is that his skin is laced with and intricate web of blue-black coal dust tattoos. He is said to be one of the most powerful and efficient of all the gods. You might pray to him for the energy to cook your lunch, or for light to see your way in the dark. Initially he was not a very benevolent deity, raining his corrosive emissions on the just and the unjust alike. Then it was discovered that he could be somewhat pacified if they gave him plenty of scrubbers to help keep his flue nice and clean.

Drax was one of the later born deities and there was much speculation amongst the other gods about his paternity. They were all talking about his generation. Drax often thought of his unknown father and cried out to the heavens “Who are you? Who? Who? Who? Who?”.

The church of Drax is divided into two sects who work cooperatively. The Sect of Generation work to gain power for the organisation and the Sect of Transmission evangelise and spread the word. There are six levels of the hierarchy in the clergy of Drax, a structure that was established in the early days by the Viscount Weir-Wolfe. There is a single supreme head of the church “The 400kV” who ultimately joins all Draxians together. (The current 400kV is Daniel Ratcliffe, who succeeded Richard West-Burton.) The next step down are the 275kV High Voltage Priests or “Pylones”. They each serve a wide area and support and supply the lower grid of 132kV Priests who are responsible for serving smaller regions.

The lowest and largest order of the church are the faithful mass of domestic subscribers known as the 230V. Should you get the calling to serve Drax you have to complete three phases of training* as an AC-olyte and achieve harmonisation to become an 410V priest. If you are a powerful preacher, you might be “transformed” to become one of the 11kV priests who preach on an industrial scale. Recently, the Church of Drax was shocked by a scandal, when it was discovered that the AC-olytes from the Washington DC branch had been performing unsanitary acts for low remuneration.

There were many temples of Drax, but their numbers have dwindled to just seven in the UK. The principle, and largest of these temples is a mighty citadel called Khuling Towers, located conveniently just off the M62. Should you visit the temple to ask for a blessing, one must bring a sacrifice to burn. Skinflints might bring a sack of cheap lignite, but they should beware. Drax is likely to be displeased with this offering and make acidic emissions to show his chagrin. Should you be asking for something big, it is advised to not stint and bring a bag of finest anthracite (please don’t bring any coke, we don’t want him to develop a habit). For most everyday sacrifices, Drax is said to be happy with a nice bit of nutty slack. There have been recent moves towards sacrificing vegetable rather than fossil based offerings at rituals. These “Bio Masses” are increasingly taking over from the more traditional votives. During the rites one can enjoy the sacred music of Drax, much of which is composed by Brian Ferrybridge.

Temples of Drax are often surrounded by acres of Under-Glass horticultural industry. They use the second hand heat from the temple to ensure bumper crops. This agricultural anomaly is known as “The Greenhouse Effect”.

Occasionally Drax may do battle with the raging winds of the Sun God. The light from these battles sometimes illuminates the northern skies. Whilst he is engaged in battle, Drax may temporarily withdraw his power from our world. When these outages occur, worshippers of Drax will spontaneously light candles and engage in the impromptu fertility ritual called “Wellwehaventgotanythingbettertodo”.

The Sun God’s main weapon against Drax is Hydro the Renewable Dragon. Simultaneously a Water, Earth, Fire, Air dragon, it has multiple heads to accommodate this. It is said that the heads will regenerate if severed, making Hydro pretty much invincible. However, Hydro is not always around when you need them. Followers of Drax pessimistically believe that their God will eventually be defeated by Hydro, as his power will eventually run out before that of the Sun God. The previously mentioned Bio Mass experiments are an attempt to circumvent this prophecy and ensure Drax is there for years to come.

*you can complete these in any rotation.

Thank you to Pascal Harper for suggesting Drax and to Kate Karnage and John Kennard for further character development.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Phararaoh Rocher – God of Petit Fours

April 21, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Phararoah is the god of tiny confectioneries served after classy dinners. He was one of the rulers of the Rocher Dynasty. His tomb, a pyramid of golden balls, is an architectural marvel of the ancient world. After his death and apotheosis he became the ambassador of the gods. He is attended by a harem of affluent, elegant and accomplished goddesses to ensure he always comes in a posh box.

The Temple of Phararoah is located beyond the dessert. The temple itself is made of clear Perspex so that the sacred golden balls within can be seen from outside. Their “Hall of Petit Fours” is a place of wondermint. As you enter the temple, a sentient confectionery by the door will greet you and say something flattering. This surprising entity is known as the “Complimentary Chocolate”. Whilst usually benevolent, if incited he has been known to scream “Do you want a piece of me!” at the luckless fool who has upset him. Services rites and rituals in the temple of Phararoah are always held in the evening and begin after eight at twilight.

Surprisingly, a small shrine to Phararoah can be found in almost every petrol station and convenience store. These are provided for your convenience so that you can pray frantically for help in over 32,000 easily accessible locations when you realise you’ve forgotten Grandma’s birthday.

The priesthood of Phararoah dress in instantly recognisable, crinkly, golden, metallic robes. They wear brown pleated cup shaped shoes on their feet, and a small oval sticker on their heads. They are often comely, and are considered eye candy by some. The priests run a dating service for their followers. They are reputed to be excellent matchmakers. Their most recent success being the marriage between Elizabeth Shaw and Mr Bendick of Mayfair. The prospective groom will give the object of his affection a wafer thin chocolate mint in a tiny black paper envelope. If his suit is successful, she will return this envelope containing a secret note of her affection. The most renowned member of Phararoah’s priesthood from history was Mahatma Candhi, who was known for speaking powerfully and with confection.

Followers of Phararoah have their own lexicon. They will usually favourably describe things as “Mint” and one of their favourite sayings is “A waist is a terrible thing to mind”. If you have been a superlative host to your Phararoahian friend they will say “You are really spoiling us!”.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Garnish – God of Superfluous Vegetables

April 20, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Garnish is a purely decorative deity. He is particularly associated with any fruit or vegetable one would never normally eat on its own, such as parsley, lemons and radishes carved into the shape of roses. He crops up in slight variations in many pantheons, but is thought to have originally been a Romaine God.

In all traditions his consort is the Goddess Dirti Martini. She is a little salty. However, he is said to not always be faithful, and to have pursued mortal lovers. You will know if Garnish has amorous intentions towards you as he will send you a dick pickle.

Garnish’s temple is instantly recognisable by the paper parasol, pineapple wedge and sparkler sticking out of the chimney. It is always artfully presented and kept in mint condition. Adjacent to the Temple is a cemetery where the distinguished followers of Garnish are berried. Inside the temple, tiny offerings of artfully arranged foodstuffs are placed on the altar daily. They joke that one should never eat an offering to Garnish oneself, and it may be that many a true word spoken is ingest. Or maybe Garnish actually doesn’t grately carrot all.

Followers of Garnish will acknowledge one another with the greeting “Olive you!”. Every rite in his temple begins with the line, “Lettuce pray”. A common meditative aid used by followers of Garnish is to draw intricate Mandalas on oversized white plates using “jus” or “coulis”.

The current High Priest is called Elvis Parsley, his consort Rosemary serves as High Priestess. Together they are responsible for spreading good chives and delivering sage advice. They always make thyme for their congregation and love grows where Rosemary goes. Sadly, despite serving him with relish, all the clergy of Garnish have their wages deducted slightly each month.

One specialist sect of Garnish’s priesthood are researchers in Molecular Biology. They have succeeded in engineering several new species. The most popular of these may be the “Pimento Olive”. The genes of a pepper were spliced into a green olive tree so that a tiny piquant pepper grows inside each olive in place of the stone.

The first commandment of Garnish is: Avacadon’t.

Thank you to Kris Hudson-Lee @nomenloony for suggesting Garnish.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Anaglypta & Artex – Gods of Failed DIY Projects

April 19, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ 2 Comments

The patron deities of “structural decor”. These gods have been around a long time, and it is likely to be many more centuries until the last traces of them are removed. They were first appealed to by terrified Roman plebeians cowering in their ramshackle insulae.

The Temple of Anaglypta and Artex is a potential death trap, despite initially appearing neat and sound, though dated. Don’t let this fool you. Chunks of masonry or plaster may fall on you like blessings from above. The pews are held together with matchsticks rather than dowels, and will collapse conveniently beneath your weight to help you assume the correct prostrate position for prayer.

In mythology Artex and Anaglypta are husband and wife. Theirs is a passionate and stormy relationship, often fought in the aisles of B&Q. In the end Artex won dominion over the ceilings and Anaglypta won control of the walls below the picture rail. Now, in unison, they cover their realms to hide the cracks in the universe and hold up the lath of the heavens. Before marrying Anaglypta, Artex was linked with Asbestos, until Asbestos was banished from the realm by the COSHH.

Artex is a spiky, prickly character. A brush with him is likely to leave you raw and bleeding. Anaglypta always looks slightly tired, old and dusty. She sometimes flocks to hang out in Indian restaurants.

At the festival of Artex it is traditional for worshippers to get plastered. Sometimes things can get a bit rough between followers who favour Artex the most, and those who love Anaglypta. In the resultant fight, the followers of Anaglypta usually get pasted. Their most memorable hymn is “What Goes Up” by Gordon & Brown.

Thank you to Adam Broadhust and Rebecca Stothard for coming up with Anaglypta and Artex separately. I hope you don’t mind that I married them off.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Gourdius – God of Pumpkins

April 15, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Gourdius was thought to have originally been a deeply unpopular mortal tyrant. Myths tell us that he had a very high opinion of himself and was something of a big-head. Upon his death he was “accidentally” embalmed with Sunny Delight, which brought about his apocolocyntosis. Despite having been an unpopular human and ruler, Gourdius somehow became a very popular deity. At the peak of his prominence, millions of people around the world followed the Lord Gourd Almighty.

Temples of Gourdius are often located in the seedy part of their town. A new temple is made every year on the site. First the priests will plant the seeds of the sacred cultivar Cucurbita ingenti. This plant will be carefully tended until it has grown to its impressive full size. The flesh of the fruit will then be hollowed out and the remaining rind is consecrated (hallowed out). Typically the doors and windows will be carved out in such a way that, when the temple is illuminated inside with candles on a dark night, when viewed from the outside it has the appearance of Gourdius’ face. The removed flesh is not wasted. It has its diameter divided by its circumference to make Pumpkin Pi for the inaugural festivities. If they have a poor year for rain, the resultant temple may be quite small. It will still be used until a new one can be grown next year. Even though it may be a bit of a squash. The congregation can usually contort themselves to fit in, as they all practice pie-lates.

The Priests rarely leave the temple and will spend much of their time in meditative skulking in its darker corners. Their motto is, “If you’ve got it, haunt it”. Do be careful to mind your language at the temple and generally around his followers. Exclaiming “Gourdon Bennet!”, even in a moment of great pain, is considered to be a terrible blasphemy. You are likely to be arrested, given a summary trial in their Squash Court, and turned into a fairy-tale carriage at midnight if found guilty. The current High Priest is Benedict Cucumberpatch VI. He was chosen for office because of his extreme pie-ty.

Every year, Gourdius’ main festival is held at the end of October. This festival celebrates Gourdius’ aspect of annual death and rebirth. The key ethos of the festival is to enjoy life while you have it. During these days his followers will eat, drink and be scary. It is also customary for them to “Trick or treat yo’ self” at this time.

The second coming of Gourdius has been predicted many times, but he has never materialised. His Prophets have now come to the conclusion that The Great Pumpkin is just fashionably latte.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.