Piccaeolus – God of Flautists

June 13, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Piccaeolus is a musical deity with equivalent avatars in the pantheons of many cultures. He is also known as Kazooka, Flautulus, Djethro and Flautingale. He watches over all wind musicians, particularly the little baby piccolo players. The story of his origin states that he was a mortal war child (yes, he was living, in the past) from Rock Island. He shot to fame with his musical performance in a benefit Passion Play. Whilst out one night on storm watch, he was wearing the crest of a knave and a broadsword. This attracted a lightning strike which scorched him and the tree he was stood under from roots to branches. He was resurrected by a remorseful thunder god and elevated to the godhood to serve as minstrel to the gods. Initially the thunder god wanted to keep this under wraps, but Piccaeolus couldn’t wait to stand up and was soon bursting out.

The Temple of Piccaeolus is located in Galway. It is a tall, narrow, cylindrical stone tower with nine ovoid windows. It is carved from silvery andesite and features elegant fluted columns. It, perhaps sensibly, does not have any glass in the windows. At all times within the temple there will be two flutes being played by a minstrel in the gallery. They play the sacred music of Piccaeolus in unison with a minor second interval. There are no temple cats. If there were any they fled long ago. The temple has never ever been cleaned inside, although the outside is very shiny. Hidden to the rear is a constantly dripping outflow tap from which a clear, slimy substance drips constantly.

At the Temple flautists can partake in lessons from the priests. The priesthood are renowned experts in tonging and you will marvel at their fingering technique. You cannot help but improve under their tutelage. They can even teach you the techniques of “Survival Musicianship”. For example making emergency flutes carved from cucumbers. These makeshift instruments are known as Pickle-os. The sacred text of Piccaeolus “Songs from the Wood” will form the core of your syllabus. Be sure to be attentive and keep up in lessons. You don’t want them to think you’re thick as a brick. (Sadly Piccaeolus himself is illiterate. He doesn’t reed at all.)

The priests and priestesses of Piccaeolus also often act as trusted, secure couriers of valuable and sensitive items. They place the items in their care into flute cases, as this means they will never, ever get stolen. However, should you attempt to intercept them, beware! They practice a deadly martial art which involves firing darts from transverse blow-pipes whist standing on one leg to confuse the enemy. The priesthood and more devout followers of Piccaeolus can be recognised by the wearing of the traditional “Soul Stice” prayer bells around the feet. The most devout sect of all go everywhere riding heavy horses and wearing aqualungs.

The followers of Piccaeolus are renowned for all being a little eccentric. In truth every one’s a fruit and nut case. Within the faith of Piccaeolus it is possible to marry one’s musical instrument. In fact, many senior priests do this as an act of devotion. This unusual wedding ritual is very beautiful and moving. Guests will often tear up when the High Priest says “I now pronounce you Man and Fife”. The faith of Piccaeolus is for life. You are still welcome in their community when you’re too old to rock and roll.

Piccaeolus is a joint effort between Wendy Barrows, Pascal Harper, John Kennard, Carey Anne Boyce and Ju Haynes. Thank you for your puntastic assistance. We would jointly like to send our humble apologies to Mr Ian Anderson for the liberties we have taken.

Idol Scribblings Volume Two
Coming out 30th November 2020

Even more deities for every eventuality with a foreword by Gary Brannan of the Technical Difficulties ( TechDiff.co.uk )
Pre order before November 14th 2020 for a special early-bird discount and to get your name included in the book as a patron.

Pre order here https://idolscribblings.blog/the-book

Idol Scribblings Volume One

A collection of 52 deities, ancient and modern, for all occations from Idol Scribblings. Produced in 2019-2020.

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https://idolscribblings.blog/the-book/

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Thank you for reading. If you have enjoyed this deity, please feel free to share it with your friends. New deities are published weekly. You can get alerted to new deities via Facebook through the Idol Scribbling Page or on Twitter by following @IdolScribblings . Catch up on the Pantheon so far here.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Latrine – Goddess of Music Festivals

June 9, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Latrine is principally a summer Goddess. Many think she originated in the 1960s, but in fact she is much, much older. It is said she was formed from the wet earth churned by the feet and spilled beer of the first humans to gather and entertain each other with turns around the campfire. She has no permanent temple, all music festivals are her sacred spaces. Latrine has the power to maintain good spirits in any weather. No matter how much it rains, she’s never a stick in the mud.

Attending a ritual of worship for Latrine can be a full on and taxing (at 20%), though worthwhile experience. Whilst there are many small and family friendly services around the country every year, the most famous are bewilderingly huge. She is such a widely loved deity that, in order to attend the most popular gatherings, one must first engage in either a multi million pound auction, have a top notch internet connection and the fastest “refresh key finger” in the west or be prepared to throw down in a vegan street-fight. Following this one must muster one’s survival equipment and journey to try and find a patch of field big enough for your tent within a miles walk of the main stage.

Latrine has been said to apparate at honoured music festivals. There is even a photograph of the crowd watching R.E.M. play “Losing My Religion” at Glastonbury 1999 which is said to have captured one of her visitations. If you look carefully, that’s her in the corner. She seems to be divinely illuminated by a heavenly spotlight. Latrine has been known to work miracles for the musicians, performers and crew who strive to stage her rites. One legendary tale, told in revered tones in green rooms around the world, is of how she came to the rescue of The Who. Their minibus ran out of petrol on the way to the Reading Festival in 1966 on a remote country road where they could see for miles and miles with no sign of civilization. The band were just thinking “We won’t get fuelled again!” when Latrine appeared to them with a full Gerry can. They asked “Who are you?” but she just smiled and kept her secrets behind blue eyes. Henceforth this blessed vehicle has become known as The Magic Bus.

The most holy sanctuary within the festival site is the Port-a-Loo. Visiting one is an essential necessity of the proper order of worship. Inside one will receive enlightenment into the full spectrum of the human condition. If Latrine is smiling upon you, your visit will be timed just after her angels in biohazard suits with the sludge-gulper have refreshed the cubicle. For the 0.0956 nanoseconds following their visit, there will be toilet paper and a slightly less pungent odour.

The priests and priestesses of Latrine can be identified by their “Crew” wristbands and AAA laminates. Each festival their role begins as one of organisation, transitions into damage limitation, and ends as a disaster area clean up operation. Worshippers who leave a mess are not considered to be the true faithful by the inner circle. Blessed are those who use a bin. Some clergy are trained specifically as healers to man the first aid tent. They are said to be highly skilled medics as they know the difference between Placebo and The Cure. The security priests have health and safety as their paramount concern. This is why they insist that everybody looks at their hands whilst dancing. Latrine’s greatest powers are her ability to open your mind to new experiences, to create happy memories and the feeling that it was all worth it. She is also known to the Romans as “Domum Stercore”.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Heinie – The Moon(ing) Goddess

June 5, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Heinie is a Goddess you can really get behind. She is an exuberant and cheeky deity who knows good Craic. She’s too high, going too far, too soon. And that’s why there is every chance that you may see the hole of the Moon. Should Heinie appear to you, you will be able to really see her tranquillity. Should you capture a photo of her apparition, it’ll be one for the al-bum. Heinie always appears as the same avatar. She never apollo guises.

The Temple of Heinie is located on cul de sac in a deep ravine between the rolling hills near Nether Wallop. The many reviews by tourists will tell you that the architecture of the temple is best admired from the backside. Be sure to take in the roof, which is supported by graceful moon-beams, and travel up the main staircase to the renowned “Moon Landing”.

The first recorded High Priestess was Lady Culo. She is reputed to have been a highly intelligent and well educated woman. A statue of her still bends over in the temple of Heinie to this day. There is a superstition that if one rubs the left buttock of the statue, three wishes will be granted. Her genie-arse is much revered. The other statue of note in the temple is a life sized bronze of Buzz Aldrin, who is regarded as a prophet. It’s plinth is inscribed with the words “Neil before me”.

If a young lady desires to enter the priesthood of Heinie she will prepare for several years. In addition to meditation, exercise and prayer, she will prepare a collection of skimpy thongs. These are laid away in her bottom draw ready for the day of her initiation. Once she graduates to full priestess-hood, she will wear them for the daily rite where the clergy bare their behinds and raise them to the heavens in prayer. This takes place every day as the dark cleft of the night turns to the crack of dawn. Sometimes the priestesses will moon competitively. They each try to win several victories in a row. Every priestess wants to have a winning streak. On rare and special occasions they will decorate their derrieres with wode, but this only happens once in a blue moon.

The French greet their friends by kissing each other on both cheeks. When the faithful of Heinie greet one another they kiss each other on all four cheeks. Followers of Heinie will find that their wealth waxes and wanes wildly throughout the month. One week their coffers can be full, and a couple if weeks later they’re down to their last quarter. They often have a philosophical and reflective attitude towards these strange tides of fortune.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Pathos – God of Internet Hugs

June 1, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Pathos is the God of remote love and good wishes sent when the going gets tough. He is the God of cute animal gifs, motivational quotes across photos of the sea and that cat that is “hanging in there baby”. The walls of the temple of Pathos are decorated with inspirational words superimposed on atmospheric images. The building of Pathos’ temples are funded entirely through online emotional blackmail campaigns. Pathos’ power is strengthened by his celestial familiar “Likeus”, who takes the form of an insatiable wolf.

Priests of Pathos are skilled cryptographers. They create elaborate, abstruse coded messages designed to generate masses of attention and sympathy. Some of the greatest examples (which have been recorded in Pathos’ sacred text “The Book of Faces) include;

“Can’t trust no one can you,”
“That’s it! Had enough!”
“At the hospital,”
“Sick of fake friends. It’s just me and the kids from now on,”
and the brief but poignant,
“FML”

Sadly, the “Book of Faces” can be hard to read for a neophyte, as the fluid approach to spelling and grammar can make things a little hard to follow. When they are not engaged in ciphering or leading worship, the Priests of Pathos generally like to go fishing. This provides both recreation and emotional sustenance. Whenever a catastrophe occurs somewhere in the world they will leave their recreation and leap to their keyboards to send thoughts and prayers.

Once a year a great festival of Pathos is held where epic theatrical productions are staged. The great writers compete to stage the best tragedy play. The performers comprise a few principal actors, who will deliver lines loaded with mysterious snippets of information from behind masks with frozen expressions. Behind them stands a chorus who beg for detail from the background. The plays are judged by a committee chosen by lot from the audience. The winning playwright is awarded a ceremonial stirring spoon carved from ivy wood. Perhaps the most famous playwright to honour Pathos with his work was S’upocles, best known for his play “Antagonize”.

(Most people won’t read this entry. However,
if you share the word of Pathos, I’ll know who really reads my blog. Please post an eggplant emoji as your status for the next hour to raise awareness of Pathos. When I see who does this I’ll know who really cares.)

P.S. You okay Hun? PM me.

Thank you to Sarah Shepton for suggesting Pathos. (Sarah, please note that the above does not apply to the pictures of cute otters I occasionally send you. Pictures of cute otters have been shown to be therapeutically effective in peer reviewed double blind studies and therefore are totes’ legit’.)

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Beroccas – God of Vitamins

May 29, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Beroccas is always depicted as the buffed epitome of health and vitality, and he’s really, really proud of it. He is the twin brother of Dioralyte – God of Minerals and Electrolytes.

A typical rite at Beroccas’ temple begins with the chanting of the RDAs, followed by a 30 minute sermon about Beroccas gym and running regime. There will be singing of sacred songs such as the well known favourites “Amazin’ Riboflavin” or “Thiamin be the Glory”. At the climax of the ritual, the officiating priest will drop the fizzy tablet into the water to make it holy, and then it is shared by his followers as libation.

The air of the temple hangs thick with a mist of perspiration. Three of the walls are lined with wall to ceiling mirrors, the fourth is a plate glass window which onto the street. This way, any unbelievers walking past will be awed by the majesty of physiques of the faithful at prayer. The aisles are filled with rows of exercise bikes which spin prayer wheels. Each worshipper carries a small prayer towel, which must be used to wipe the seat clean of their pious perspiration.

Members of the cult of Beroccas are required to attend a form of confessional every week where they must download their fitbit data for scrutiny by the High Priest. Those who have earned an insufficient number of badges are punished by being picked last for all team games for the next week.

The Beroccan Games are held every four years in a different city around the world. At these games believers compete in athletic events to win a place in the Priesthood. Only the finest specimens of health and prowess are admitted. They compete naked. Even though no one asked them to.

Beroccas is sometimes prayed to by the hungover, desperately promising lifestyle reform in exchange for relief. It is said by his true acolytes that these prayers will fall on deaf ears and they would do better praying to Cholesterolia – Goddess of Fry-Ups.

Followers of Beroccas believe that when they die, they’ll be over 100 and still look HOT.

Beroccas was suggested by James R Turner. (This was actually a very early cartoon from the Idol Scribblings series, sorry that I hadn’t posted it until now).

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

From the Idol Scribbler – Meet the Hive Mind

May 27, 2019May 27, 2019 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

I would very much like to introduce you to some of the original Idol Scribblings Hive Mind who helped come up with the names of some of the first comedy deities.

They are, truly the loveliest bunch of odd-balls anyone was lucky enough to call “friend”. Their wit and unconventional wisdom has saved me from crushing ennui more times than I can count. Today I am going to introduce you to four of the crew. (I will introduce you to some more of them in future). As you will see, they are all extremely interesting people.

Should I be worried by the fact that everyone’s answers to the bread question included an exclamation mark?

Wendy Barrows

Wendy Barrows is one third of the team behind the music and video gaming channel “The Pickle Jar”. You can follow them on Facebook here.

She is also a keen amateur musical theatre performer, and strives to keep Yorkshire cultured with the help of the Maltby Musical Theatre Group. If ever Wendy appears to be unhappy, please give her a cat to cuddle. If this does not work immediately, just keep adding more cats. Wendy has an impressive property portfolio, in Minecraft. She manages to tear herself away from the consoles now and then to do her “proper job” in education. If she can find enough coffee to achieve lift-off that is.

Wendy’s contributions to Idol Scribblings include coming up with the name Idol Scribblings. This suggestion won a poll of the original Hive Mind Members to become our title.

If you were a deity, what would you be the God of?
The God of Sarcasm. Obviously.

What should your worshippers leave as an offering on your altar?
Large bars of Mint Aero and fluffy pajamas.

What would your sacred animal be?
The domestic house cat.

What is the correct name for a hand sized, spheroid, bread product?
A bread roll, or just a roll, as that is the correct term!

A biopic film of your life is being made. Who should play you?
Joan Cusack.

Adam Broadhurst

Adam Broadhurst is the lead singer of the truly excellent folk-metal band Under a Banner *. When not rocking hard he can usually be found up a mountain, in the rain, with his dog. He can probably be best described as a traditional dark, brooding, English romantic poet, in a camper van. When forced to perform penurious servitude for material gain, he teaches English in the West Midlands (and therefore I blame him entirely for the accent).

Adam is one of the most prolific contributors to Idol Scribblings, of the Deities shared so far he has contributed:
Futon – God of Temporary Sleeping Arrangements,
Madhur – Goddess of the Great British Curry,
Quinoa – God of Faddy Diets,
Anaglypta and Artex – Gods of Failed DIY Projects (jointly),
Low Key – God of Bassists (jointly).
There are a few more genius ideas still to come from him. He has also been a fantastic cheerleader and advocate for Idol Scribblings, and I cannot thank him enough for all the encouragement, proof reading, shares and likes.

If you were a deity, what would you be the God of?
The God of Rain.

What should your worshippers leave as an offering on your altar?
A soggy OS map.

What would your sacred animal be?
A soggy, oily Shag.

What is the correct name for a hand sized, spheroid, bread product?
That’s a cob if hard and a bap if soft!

You are going to star in a movie fight-scene. Choose your fight-scene soundtrack.
The Lark Ascending by Vaughan Williams (this would be a very non-violent fight)

* My band Ethryll will be supporting Under a Banner in Sheffield on the 28th September. Details here .

John Kennard

John Kennard is one of the few drummers I have known who can read a book without getting a blister on the end of his finger. He is also a tenor (ladies!) and chorister with Chandros Camber Choir. You may have seen him at one of the BBC Proms concerts performing as a penguin impersonator. This is especially impressive as in real life he is a Racing Hippo. Should you ever need to win John over as a friend, invite him round to play board games. John’s superpower is his ability to unknot giant nests of tangled cables. Seriously, this guy would make Gordias sweat.

When he needs to eat, John works as a Technical Architect. John is great at pointing out a genius joke or pun opportunity that I have missed for a deity. He has contributed to the writing of Semolina – Goddess of School Dinners, Piccaeolus – God of Wind Musicians and Houmous – God of Dips. All of which are coming soon.

If you were a deity, what would you be the God of?
The God of Atheists

What should your worshippers leave as an offering on your altar?
The blue pills, (they should be taking the red ones).

What would your sacred animal be?
The Babel Fish (cf Oolon Colluphid).

What is the correct name for a hand sized, spheroid, bread product?
A very large dough-ball!

You are being abducted by aliens and taken to their home planet. They will let you take one luxury from your home town (Worthing) to introduce to their world. What are you going to take?
A horde of creakily-rampaging geriatrics.

James R Turner

James is a music reviewer, critic and journalist who is very highly regarded on the Progressive Rock, Folk and Alternative Rock Music Scenes. He writes for Spirit of Progressive Rock website, and he also works in Public Relations for Bad Elephant Music. James R Turner is known to his friends as “The Big T” (well, that’s what we call him when Mr T is in the room). He was, allegedly, the inspiration for one half of Waldorf and Statler. Once, James and I brewed a cup of tea on a fire tornado made using white spirit and a Trangia (DTTAH).

James lives somewhere in the South West with a lot of animals. When not working at things that are actually interesting, James works in banking. James has been a great supporter of Idol Scribblings, he has contributed a hilarious deity which is to be published this week (No spoilers).

If you were a deity, what would you be the God of?
The God of Indecision

What should your worshippers leave as an offering on your altar?
CDs and Real Ale.

What would your sacred animal be?
The West Highland White Terrier.

What is the correct name for a hand sized, spheroid, bread product?
Bread cake!

If you had to pick one celebrity voice to narrate your inner monologue for the rest of your life, who are you going to choose?
Peter Capaldi as Malcolm Tucker.

Yahtzee – God of Rainy Caravan Holidays

May 27, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Yahtzee originated circa 1945 when the family caravan holiday began to grow in popularity. Picture the scene: you have driven 200 miles to spend a week living in a biscuit tin on wheels and peeing in a bucket. All because the surroundings are marginally prettier than the surroundings at home. However, said bucolic idyll is obscured from view by fog and you are made a prisoner by a maelstrom. In the mind-crushing desperation of boredom, you turn to the board games chest under the couch/bed. To your horror, you discover that Scrabble has no S’s, Monopoly only has £5 in the bank and Kerplunk has lost its marbles. But lo! Great joy! The divine salvation of Yahtzee came in answer to your prayers. From the depleted detritus of lesser games, five dice are salvaged and pen and paper found.

Following the way of Yahtzee is traditionally a summer vocation. The temples of Yahtzee are tin tabernacles on wheels of varying sizes, scented with the burning of the sacred Calor Gas stove and smouldering toast incense. The faithful tow their own temple for many miles with underpowered cars on unsuitable roads to gather in groups in fields with a few basic facilities. Large gatherings of Yahtzeeites are often a cause of rage amongst locals and motorists, and have been known to be the victims of hate crime.

Worship takes place in small groups of 1-8 players. The rite is comprised of 13 symbolic rounds. Tea is traditionally drunk throughout to sustain the faithful. However, moderation is recommended as it is considered impolite to interrupt the proceedings for a tea-pee. The other sovereign rule that must be adhered to during worship is that the dice must remain in the holy chalice. Persons who transgress and drop the sacred dice will be sent on a guilt trip to refill the water reservoir.

Although worship usually takes place in family units, Yahtzeeites will often visit other groups for a session of prayer. This usually occurs when they can no longer bear the company of their own kin without murder occurring. Through this practice the children of the followers of Yahtzee form new lifetime friendships for a fortnight each year. Excursions for the worship of Yahtzee are usually a carefully planned annual event, but may also be a hasty retreat in times of spiritual crisis.

The priesthood of Yahtzee practice Astragalomancy, and one can obtain a reading in return for an offering of nibbles and snackies. What they invariably divine is that one will experience approximately an hour of being mildly entertained before one must again contemplate the bleakness of existence. Physical perfection and health is not required of the clergy. In fact the current High Priest, Roland Bones, is said to perform his out-of-offices despite suffering from a wet weak end.

Sadly, the popularity of Yahtzee began to wane slightly from the 80s onwards with the introduction of campsite games-rooms and arcades. The followers of Yahtzee abhor these, and the practice of having televisions in caravans, as they distract from the proper practice of regular worship.

Yahtzeeites believe that when they die they will go to the “Last Resort” where there is eternal sunshine…
…and a 5 star hotel.

Thank you to Adam Broadhurst for suggesting Yahtzee.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Thesaurus – God of Saying Things Another Way

May 25, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

A voluble, loquacious, articulate, effusive, garrulous, chatty, eloquent, gabby, verbose, vocal and multiloquent deity. Devotees of Thesaurus are never lost for words. Thesaurus used to be the lover of Apostrophe, the Goddess of Punctuation. However, this relationship ended when she became too possessive. In his mythos Thesaurus lives on Mount Weasel.

The cult of Thesaurus is very secretive. The first rule of the Order of Thesaurus is that you do not talk about, speak, mention, chat, discuss, shoot the breeze or chin-wag about the Order of Thesaurus. It is not known for sure who the current high priest of Thesaurus is, but rumour says it may be Susie Dent. The first High Priest in history was believed to be “Peter Roget”. They are a very peaceful, non-violent sect. When confronted, they will always use their words.

In the temple, the priests break their fast at dawn every day with a Synonym Roll. They are delicious, just like grammar used to make. They then spend the day in the sombre study of lexicography. They have made many great advances in this field, including inventing the word “Plagiarism”. They also discovered that the ancient version of our alphabet originally only had 25 letters, but no one knew why. If you see a priest of Thesaurus, dancing and flailing wildly, go to his aid and help him shake out his robes. He probably has an antonym. (They really go for the synonym roll crumbs).

Thesaurus was later Christianised as St Poecilonym.

Thesaurus was suggested, proposed, advocated, offered and submitted by Ken Page.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Glandula – Goddess of Electrical Connections

May 23, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Glandula is a highly charged and energetic deity with a short fuse who generates a huge following. Glandula’s temple is a well insulated building, securely bonded to the earth. The grounds are planted with lovingly grown power plants. Three bronze towers rise above the roof (one slightly taller than the other two).

Following the way of Glandula will certainly change your life. She is something of a transformer and will help keep your spirit level. A key aspect of spiritual development is believed to be the mastering of certain physical exercises. These include Ladder Balancing, the SWArpent Dance and daily acrobatic volting. These exercises are accompanied by meditations on the question “Watt is Love”. Persons who severely err in following the way of Glandula sometimes punish themselves using a CAT5 O’Nine Tails until they are poe faced.

Sight-seers visiting the temple must have 10p for the meter to enter. On certain holy days they lose this charge and the tourists are ex-static. It surprises most visitors to discover that her temple contains a tavern known as “The Bus Bar”. In the bar the song “Can’t Touch This” plays on repeat, there are a pair of strippers and one can get a really good screwdriver. Sometimes there is even a three way.

It is a long road of practice, training and study spanning several years to become a priest or priestess of Glandula. Trainees will live at the temple, which becomes an ohm from home. In training they will pass through three phases. Phluorescentlytes (the starters), Incandescentlytes and Tracklytes. Tracklytes are the most senior, experienced and broad minded priests. Nothing shocks them anymore.

The Tracklytes then divide further into three “Cores”. The “Earth Core” are concerned with moral safety. They wear robes of green and yellow. The “Neutral Core” in their blue robes are mediators and negotiators. The “Live Core” wear brown and are concerned with preaching, teaching and sacred arts performance.

Her scripture is regularly revised and updated by the ten most senior priests (known as Glandula’s Upper Ten or the GU10). They are just about to release the 18th Edition of her holy book. This senior priesthood undergo constant moral scrutiny themselves, and have limited terms of office, as it is well known that power corrupts. They have to annually undergo a Priest Assessment Test (or PAT test) to ensure continued integrity.

Thank you to Pascal Harper for suggesting Glandula.

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.

Mandle – God of Unnecessarily Gender Specified Products

May 18, 2019October 15, 2020 ~ Hannah ~ Leave a comment

Mandle is the tealightful God of any and all products which are unnecessarily “gender customised” for men. There was once talk that simple products such as soap, pens and candles could be universally designed for all genders. However, such an ideas really get on Mandle’s wick. He won’ tallow such nonsense.

Following the path of Mandle is said to be spiritually illuminating. An advent-ture for the soul. Although the faith of some may taper off over the years, if you stick with it, you will eventually become enlightened. Actually, their literature says “lit”. One hopes this is metaphorical.

Every item in Mandle’s temple is specifically formulated “FOR MEN”. From the camo pattern sandpaper toilet roll in the bathroom to the He-lights on the altar. An impressive display of relics and sacred artefacts are lovingly displayed on the Mandlepiece. Perhaps the most revered of these are the Holy Packet of McCoys, the Blessed Yorkiebah and a box of giant tissues.

When visiting the temple, worshippers are encouraged to make a donation, light a small candle and pray to be more self assured. This is called the votive confidence. Whilst visiting, do take the time to try one of their “Bronuts”, a deep fried dough delicacy made and sold by the clergy.

His priests are called “Lu-menz” and the high priest is called “The Candelabro”. They are flambeauant in their worship, and attending one of their rituals is said to be guaranteed to brighten your day. Given the slightest invitation they will wax lyrical about Mandle for hours.

Followers of Mandle will look asconce at any man using a candle that is not scented with “Man Scents” such as Swarfega, guitars, gunpowder or the sweat of Chuck Norris. In fact if they see a bloke use a plain or girly scented candle they will be very put out, nae quite de-lighted.

Mandle’s divine consort is the deity Jillette, who is the best Mandle can get. (Jillette known for being a little unstable. They will reveal the goddess in you, but is also likely to cut you.)

Mandle was suggested by Sarah Shepton @afishoutofwtf

If you have a suggestion for a deity, you can suggest it by clicking this link. Alternatively, get in touch over on Facebook or Twitter. All due credit will be given.